I said so much in the heat and the flame of anger when we talked and I do not know how to take them back. I ache to know how you are, what yoiu think... I miss you so desperately that the hole in me swallows me and yet I do not know how to reach out. I ache for you to find a way to reach out and touch me, so I can find you again. Iw ant you to know where I am and how I am.. need you to know in fact.
I think of our time together on all levels; I walked for hours and miles until my feet and my legs felt like they were screaming at me...so the pain on the outside equalled the pain inside me. I saw again and again you touching me, kissing me, holding me... I think about all we have both lost and mostly how desperately lonely my world is without you.
You go on withoutme; your world, your family, but I am not there to see it. I am shaking just thinking about it. I want to throw myself into your arms and tell you how much I love you. I am no longer naive; we have both learned how the world can shatter in an instant cutting you so deep you bleed forever.
tThat last day when we circled each other saying none of the things that were collecting in the air between us...you holding me tightly, stroking the soft damp flesh that is me... the quietness that was us both...every so often I would look at you..and the sadness was there in both our eyes. It scares me this pain. I have long been afraid of what lay unsaid between us. Now I am left with the residue of this pain for a lifetime. You are a loving honourable man, in some ways. I suppose who iyou are is one of the things I love about you.
So we have no future now, no years that slide one into another around each other. I want to say soemthing that will magically transform the pain of this understanding for us both, to make a memory that won;lt hurt us both for the rest of our lives, but I can't. yet I cannot bear for our love song to end.
In those terrible days I tried to erect a shield that would soften my fall when you went, but it was impossible. I feel the silent insistentmarch of every hour, ticking away what I most wnat in this life. I look up soemtiems and se sunlight, one ray pierce the blinds and hit me, and I am stunned by some memory of you. I see your smile played out constantly....and it all coems crashing back. I hear the ticking in my head... You have changed me so much, my darling... you have given me back my family and made me believe that love is a heavy winter coat that would keep me warm all year. You showed me I could pull myself out of all the destructive patterns of my life.. you gave me everything I have ever dreamed of....
except a future.
tThis loving has broken me and yet I will not give up one moment of it even knowing the pain that lay waiting ... I know my every moment with you will be with me forever even after I desperately want to forget..
lI know how deep love runs...I once thought you could grieve and then get on... with otehrs I have. You are different. This is in my blood,not just my heart, and this same blood pumps through my veins all my life. Here you see plainly my love and my grief.
I remember those last hours, lying there holding, being held..memorised everything about you marking the real memory of you on my soul. Satring at you in those last moments gaze full of pent up longing and fear.. The look on your face made me love you more than you can know... I love you you know, I have loved you forever. I never knew it could be like this.. that love could catch me when I fell.. and I let you.
I know love isn;t everything it is cracked up to be. I know this love is brewaking both our hearts. I am going to be alone my love. As the months pass I will not forget how you pick around your fingers, the colour of your eyes.. the curl of the hair on your chest... I have to let you go to make you happy. I don;t wnat to because I love you, but I will do this because you want and need this. Out of love. Because of love. I am crazy in love with you. Now. Always. It matters. It is the only thing that matters.
Now I taste tearsa nd regret. Things happena nd I store them up to tell you. The thoughts come out of nowhere cutting me deeply. I can no longer turn to you and say whatever comes into my mind...
