We are like a dnagling participle, and unfinished painting, an echo wihout something to bounce from, our love is unfullfilled. It sits and beckons, relentless in its pull...and now you are unreachable, surrounded by the silent moat of your rejection of me. How can I fulfill love alone? I am not prepared for us to end..there is still so much unexplored, so much unsaid. Sometimes even saying that I love you is difficult and yet it is the singular most important thing I must say. I have to say his. I will go on saying this., I love YOU.
What does it matter that at times you were so hard,and unyielding? What do your misgivings , defences, cowardice, fears, gilt mater now?? I have cherished you and love you.. have lived it. I thought I had so much time to show you. I adore you. I have found my weakness not my strength. In you I found again my humanity.. frailty...that I was dependant. ...a frail little thread hanging onto the shirt of life. I crave your cherishing.
I do know that what IS important is that I love you and I showed you that, show you still if you have thought to look for me here. The rest is trivial; the disagreements, the spats are nothing. You know I love you. Maybe you think of that soemtimes.
I find being gracious with otehrs is not possible any more. My false smile will not come, I can no longer bite my lip and swallow down my thoughts... I ahve ripped off the veils of my greiving. the loss of you changes my life. I see as never before ehat matters and what doesn't. I see thepeople who are a waste of time. I disobey. I cannot listen to platitudes any more. I sat and listen to two people mouthing well meaning platitudes and the glue that held the shards of myself togetehr melted and a monster came out of my mouth... they looked scared at the wicked laugh and the truths I flung at them... I know what I said hurt them. I know I was likely unfair. I know for certain I was rude. But it felt good.
Emptiness has a loud noise. This loud noice keeps me awake at night..and drives me ceaselessly doing day in day out... it is the posts that do not arrive, the phone that does not have your vocie at the end of it... I want to thrash around and get away from it but it follows me. Everywhere I go it follows me. And when there are the sounds of life around me, they grate against my wounds amplifying my emptiness...this aloneness I did not choose. So I am still. I am desperately trying to make this silence my friend.
te bed is very cold. I cannot sleep I lie there and wodner when i will sleep. I wait. Wait. For what? You. I am so cold even in the middle of summer. There are no dreams...only memories and sweats, heart pounding... My old feelings of inadequacy hit me..you are probably not even thinking of me now, only lost in yourself...did I ever matter? willI ever matter? I feel lost.. How dare I keep on with this longing I cannot stop?? I fantacise,.... longintot he night... Where are you?? Come back and help me....Tell me what to do....help mein these moments.. you have been my help... noone else ever has or seen the need in me for help.. only you... and now you are gone.
