Each night I sit for a little while, with dear friends who fear for me, and with total strangers.. missing you terribly, you who have caried my soul and heart and mind for so long. I exist somewhere, but it is between any world I know, and I have lost my way. Shock has rearranged by insides and I do not know this world I find myself in. I feel foreign within myself and easily lost. I am a stranger in a strange world without any road map.
I find my way to work and back, I perform whatis expected of me, and I do not know how I get there and back. I get home somehow but inside I panic because I have lost control. I do not know is the way I am going is the right way, and I do not know if where I want to go is the right place. And all the time I talk to you. I have these conversations with you In the decompression chamber of my mind, I sob, I scream, I fight my way home. I look at familiar things and cannot remember what I should do. I have totally lost my way.
This change is lonely. daily, nightly I search for you within and without me.. I read every word we have ever written.. I walk into the chaos ofthe madness of this and us... I sit still and listen to what Is within me and seeand feel only confusion. the paradox is that I honestly know that I don;t know anything anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me anymore, and I can do very little before being consumed by the dervishes of my mind. I relate to nothing. All the lies of existence open upto me here in the most vivid way. Logic is ridiculous. My mind screams at orderly linar lives lived with labels and platitudes.. My laughter is black, hard,
I stand on the ledge between life and death. This awakening feels like deadening. The velocity of this black hole sucks me in. My body feels pain. Aches from too much work, too many hours stressing over inconsequential things that mean nothing, Sireness from having some essential part of me torn away. Physical soothing pains. There is no pleasure in them, just relief. The gnawing in my chest holds me together, and I feel my death in this loss.
And I find myself caught in this place, utterly empty. Right now I just do not move. Itis Sunday morning I have no reason to be awake, and yet here I am. I have always valued being productive and yet here I am doing nothing. I can't move. There seem to be good reasons to move. But I can't move. The grains of saidn inside me have been rearranged....and right now it makes no sense to do anything at all. I cannot bear to think of tomorrow - and today is so quiet. So devastatingly quiet.
So I sit here. Caught between what was and what may be. Icannot move. Isit here crossed legged on my bed as I have for two years.. an ache in my right side, waiting for you. I have waited many times over knowing you would "show up". Now I know you will not even though I know you are there somewhere. When I leave the safety of my bed with all my memories and feelings, I have to watch otehrs go on with their lives when I do not have one. You changed all that in a few instants. You threw me away. I am frozen in that moment. So I sit here frozen in our past, avoiding as much as possible the moments that march over me in slow motion.
Sleep will not come. How does one sleep when one is thunderstruck? So while otehrs sleep, I think about you, I think about me, Inert.
