I curl up here on my bed. The phone rings. I don't answer it. I cannot chance the potential pain of some well-meaning comment. You wouldn't believe some of the stupid things some have said to me. "He never loved you, you know that?" "You don;t deserve to be happy!" These words kill me a little each day as they resound against my emptiness. I can't do anything about it. I am exposed You rejected me, as I am , and all I am; These feelings are ever present. I turn down offers of help. I don't want pity. I want you. I am sliced all to pieces and leeding all over the place, and I am ashamed of the gashes on my soul.
And then I realise this craziness is really a very sane reaction to an utterly insane event. I care nothing for how I look, I am exhausted. I can see but I cannot speak of this terrible pain to anyone. What is there I can say? That I contemplate suicide, not for the theatrics, not even to end this terrible pain even because even the pain is welcome after the empty numbness...?? I hear things well meaning people say and see right through them. What if they told the truth, that they JUST don't want to be aware of my suffering. I listen to insult meant to console me, just like a blind man has to put up with people screaming at him because he is blind.
Sanity is hot, searing and far too intense to tolerate. What may appear as crazy seems perfectly apt in reacting to the sheer powerlessness that I face right now. I want them to go away. I want them to stop calling. I don;t want them to try to talk to me. I can't hear them and I am sure that even if I talk they cannot hear what I will really say. I want them all to go away.
Sleep is elusive. There are too many thoughts. Every feelings I have ever felt eddies in on me, crushing me in the thrust of the waves.Everything inside of me, every part of me has been set loose and battles. My immune system is shutting down in the stress of all this. Rest is essential and yet impossible. Grief curdles here within, without me.
Nights are interminable. I KNOW you are there. I know you are not. No sleep. Can't sleep. Got to sleep. Toss, toss, toss. Dreams come in the half sleep, wet pillows, nightmares, Why bother with anything? Who for? What for? Don't care. Don't eat. Don't move. Need help. Noone can help me. I think all the times about times with you in any world. I stand on the ledge of sanity,, and what scares me most is that I am not at all afraid to jump.
