Firts there was this rending sound, like my insides being torn by a stiletto...time slowed to a series of balck and white grainy photos, went back, jumped forwards into undeveloped blackness.. memories. moments, and memories flashed in my head. the sound in your vocie when you said my name....the look when you thought you said soemthing funny.. the literal feel of you... your arms around me and you hauled me against you.... Nothing meaningful. All meaningful.
Like a windshield hit by a rick I shattered. Like the windshield I was in one peice, but useless. Separate byut intact....that was all in that split second when you told me we must end. hen there was that aweful gaping stun. No words. No gestures. Except I sometimes find myself staring mindlessly ahead, with tears that noone sees. I just feel.. People say stupid things and I look at them like they are laines. can they not hearthe scream in my head???
I have been overtaken by a tidal way which smashes down on me with unimaginable force, casting me into darkness, where I tumble and crash against unknown surfaces...I can't read mroe than two sentences at a time. I walk into a room and can't remember why...I put something down and JUST can't find it... I wake at 3am and just can';t get back to sleep after sleeping 20 minutes... It is every dreadful hour of every night when iw as with you...should be near you....
Iam utterly alone and it razes my rationalmind leaving room for emptiness....I get up and walk outin the middle of a meeting, without saying a word to anyone,...itis sitting staring out of a window not aware tears run one after anotehr down my cheeks...
The normal masks of life have been ripped away and I think brutal thoughts before I can stop myself thinking... I push away my friends, scares otehrs...and rewrites my address book for me... Every time the phone rings I jump.... hoping, I check the mail.... hoping... scane my email... turn on the PC and look for messages... Him??/ where is he?? I stopped trying to talk to my friends when they looked at me like I was lying on the pavement with my belly split open... Inertia has taken me over. I know there are things I should do, but I just have to sit for a while... JUST a while... and a while grows daily...
I see how totally and completely powerless I am over anything important... I invested in a person, my soul, my heart, my very body, my true self and he threw me away??? he erased any future I really wanted, breadsided my life, and I wonder if I should have seen it coming...
And still I wodner if I told you how much I love you??? I talk silently to the ground, to my pillow, to the air, the grass I weep the words.
