I am trying to find a way to fit my grief into this world that would prefer I feel insane to maintain a "safe" status quo. I am desperately reaching out from the darkness that covers me in the absence of hope. I am suspended in limbo, not the person I was just a short time ago, and each day I awaken over and over again to the fact that things are now different.
These pages here that I write are my companion through this terrible darkness. I have been forced into a state I hate. I no long feel I belong with you. I am lost because I no longer belong anywhere, to anyone. Little pocket calendars have marked out my day to day life...get yup, write a message to YOU, shower, dress, see if you left me anything.. write to you on the bus...think fo you all the time like every moment....examine the queues...attend meetings.. check the clock, leave on time... turn on the PC look for YOU, wait.. name lights up... heart beats... Ic an feel it, see it thudding... so loudly... anfd sit with you in here or ont he phone for vast expanses of my day.. YOU were the focal point.. the center..
My priorities were made by need today all I have is the rubble of disaster...shards of broken confidence and the dust of dreams litter a cracked soul. My priorities are forgotten; surviving is now forst on the list. What trivial thing was important yesterday is indisputably trivail today. he loss of you has plunged me into a realm where I have no control. The life I desperately needed will now never be planned, and the broken bits of my dreams and hoped loom like a mountain before me.. how can I move a mountain..how do I find all the shards I have splintered into to find a way to piece togetehr something like a life? I see before me hours and days and weeks and months..even years. Lonely yearswith blisters and bruises cuts and tears. Adn the only place I can begin is here beneath the pain itself.
When you threw away our love, the shock of it was beyond anything I can put into words, a big tumble into blackness of sounds and cold hands calwing at me.. and a scream silently eching eternally within me, unceasingly.... Minutes were and still are slow motion, and everything except merely surviving is editted out of my memory. I have been slammed at great speed head first against a brick wall. Every time I think of you, I feel that slam again and again. My breath is sucked out of me through some opening deep inside me into oblivion.
What happened?? I go over everything again and again and again. Questions, numerous questions...did you???? do you??? can you??? was I??? am I???? What happened??? why??? What went through your mind?? What did you feel?? Do you know how I feel?? Do you know what you threw aay?? Was I simply a chapter?? Did you want me to go?? Did ou know how much I love you?? Did you even notice??
I remember when I felt the pain right_through_my_heart, feeling theburn like a hot wind blasting me, I sat back. I tried to breathe. I couldn't. I couldn;t talk. I still can't talk. This is the only way I can communicate. I see your face now, clear in my mind...and I know this is too long to be away from you.
