looking back on the work week it is alarming how efficient my mechanical state has made me. changes are happening, brewing, in the air, in the way the business is run. I have been arriving home later and have committed myself to never ending meetings. Communication has become the means by which I am reaching around and rearranging old working patterns in numerous lives; it is the ultimate sales pitch on all levels and all fronts, and I sell impeccably, without passion or emotion, nothing personal.. this is business and purely for fiscal reasons...times have changed and we must change with them. Change is a sign of life and growth...best abilities are availability and adaptability...anyone who does not think they can come along for the ride..PLEASE come and see me and we can discuss where else they may like to work...
I come home to a household at war with me. The younger supposedly adult group who feel I owe them, and myself who no longer can stand or bear to be used. I will not support or bolster anyone's addictions. There is no surcease. There is no lull. I have not heard from Mike since he broke the front door locks. I suspect he has been teetering on the brink of a breakout for some time and he has been waiting for a reason to use as an excuse for his running wild. His manipulation of the situation and trouble stirring all around; and come to think of it, he was the one behind Tess and Pandy landing back in my lap when it took so much to move them on. We all have choices and their choice of lifestyle IS their right, but in making that choice they also choose to not fit in here.
And Tess?? why on earth would I ever expect anything caring or thoughtful from her when she is so like my own sister; clutching, controlling...whining... It is interesting what moments drive home to one.
For two years you have been the rock my stability is grounded on. Without you I am adrift but noone knows this but me. It is a well hidden secret the fragile scared soul dwelling deep within the block of ice that is my veneer...
Amy was to attend a party that began at 7pm. Tess was to take her as it was not far from my place. The party started at 7pm. I was uncertain I would be back in time for when Dopey dropped of the little ones, but I made it.. and at 8.30 Tess was still dilly dallying.. As it turned out it was as well.. it appears one girl was passed out drunk on the front lawn when they got there...and the parental supervision that was supposedly there was absent.. This is one party I am glad my 14 year old missed.
Then I found sheets and sheets of note paper Pandy had written on..lists; people and what she saw they were good for.. It doesn't surprise me that beside my name she has dollar signs. It is so nice to know what my value is. Pandy was there, Tess and Pandy went out and lft this small place in such disarray I couldn;t relax until I had cleared the debris..how can two people effectively destroy all free space??
But that was last night. tess went to work today, pandy fell asleep, Amy the little ones and I went to the park and played on the equipment and then I made them walk two suburbs to MacDonalds for an ice cream. I took water bottles ( which were needed) and used and then I made everyone walk home.
Amy left and I had some friends drop over and then settled into reclaiming my living room. When Pandy awoke we had a blazing row about using people, responsibility and she flung things at me to goad and sting... are you having a bad time with YOU... I reminded her that I have no contact with you any more. And yes it does hurt. Still. Always. She went out after I had retired to my room and left every light in the place blazing and scattered her clothing every which way. I reminded her that I was moving and that she was NOT coming with me. The rules change now. She can visit when we agree but I am not open and available to be bled dry while she follows her own pleasure with no care or concern for others or anyone but her own self.
Some life I have here!
