We talked and I asked the questions I needed to ask and you paid me the courtesy of simple honesty as you felt or thought it. I asked you what you wanted and you could not say. The truth that you did not say is that you no longer want to feel like you are failing everyone including yourself. You cannot bear the burden of guilt any more, and you are telling me that you are a coward in truth and cannot face the consequences of loving nor are you willing to meet what I have already given. When it came to the point where you needed to step forward, you did not.
You said we had to become LESS than us or stop. So you love your lifestyle and kingdom more than me. I mean so little. All I have lived and given and shown and opened to you; the prices I have paid and never counted, the gift of myself and my love and hours spent; ,m committment in the truest sense where I faced those who would seek me and I declined graciously out of/because I love you. The relationship became inequitable. I gave, you took and did not give in kind and you turned it into a shallow "real" thing and walked away from what we first began. You said we started out wanting to end in the same place but you had changed.
And when I asked you if you love me...you said you did but not the way I love you..
Here I told you that in the light of these I choose to go away. You will never hear from me nor see me again as long as I live for I cannot go back to half measures... I give my all and this grew from and was built with love, and nothing else can sustain it. You seek to keep the support and the comfort but do not offer what I need. I have handed in my notice where I now live and will move within the month... and I will not tell you where I am. You told me I could change my mind, but I cannot. The only person who can change my mind is you, and you cannot, nor are you willing to dare to even believe we could be. And you have let me walk away. You have not stopped me. You will not . So I know how little I mean to you. So I give you back to life. I trust life will give you what you need.
it seems I mean less to you than yourself, and far less than anything else, yet I have given far more than you knew was possible to be given and I gave freely and with great love. The friendship grew from intimacy and longing.. and the guilt has obscured what we could be.
You will be fine. You will build a wall of justifications and excuses as to why this cannot be.. but you and I know deep down that with me life offered you the only chance you will have to be the man you want to be; and that is because it is only with me that you CAN be. I believe there is one soul born as the missing part of each of us. You are that piece of me and I of you. I am the gift you have cast aside...something so wrapped in love the beauty of it hurts you.
We all reach a point where we must pay. You won't miss me ...you will replace me with momentary shallow thrills..of instant attraction, the chase...getting a rush from the adrenalin buzz of something, someone new - and missing the comfort of the love we should grow into. Something so right and warm and whole that it makes you glimpse eternity.. where you can safely let down your guard,and be yourself...I have been easily replacable. That saddens me inestimably. I feel physically ill at the thought of you trying to find with anyone else what we both know; have known in each other.
I can not move from here, just away from you. I am literally locked in this love I take with me, no matter where you go or do not go. You are love and light for me. Leaving you cuts me off from joy and banter, from play and from caring.. you are the one person who ever listened to ME..( the part that does not speak) now noone sees or hears me. There will be no other love for me. I am not willing to risk myself again. I have duty, and I have the life that is trying to eat me alive from the inside and all those who desire some piece of me can now have me..I settle into the darkness where I can lose myself.I noi longer care what happens...*s* let the darkness come....You have watched me fight alone some battles many never knew existed as they raged through my life in the last two years, and I have fought so hard and so insistently knowing I had you to grow towards. I now have no light_at_the_end of all things. I have only the memory of something that should have been. I feel less. I am diminished. I am lost.
Your voice rings in my ear and in my head as I lie here sleepless, as I rise and throw on the clothes I needs must don, as I walk out as is my daily habit.. your voice telling me you do not want me, but you do not wannat to lose me. I have lived through two broken marraiges and never once felt this hollow... the puzzle that was the picture that I was forming from the broken shards, is now shattered and splintered...and there is a huge empty space for where you are...you and the heart I once owned, but which is now gone.
Noone could love you as I do. You see I was born to only be complete in a union with you heart and mind and body and soul.. a fusion that remakes the broken bits and fits rightness about us. Without us, there is a dull pall that descends.. I retreat into gaunt silence, bury myself alive so the shell goes on and performs what is expected.
You said you did not appreciate the extent of my broken heart, maybe because you never appreciated or realised the extent I have give of myself; time, devotion, love, support... faith, forgiveness. You were that man for a time, and I know you could be if you choose. The simple truth is that you chose not to. One cannot force love..it is or it isn't. You don't love me, so I must go to save myself further humiliation, or embarassment and guilt to you. I loved you, I love you still and I will live out whatever time I have left loving you and unfulfilled.
I remove myself because Ihave nothing more to give, because I can no longer go on paying for us both..that I too need you to meet me in this gift.. You have what you said you want. There is a debt you incurred that swamped you. The simple truth is that in what I gave willingly, I deserved from you that you return in the same coin, to the same degree..not just small pieces you felt comfortable giving, but in your giving all as I was...equal measure both ways. There was no way you could feel honourable because you gave noone anywhere in your life what they deserved, but took, allowing everyone else to give and go on giving. You had it all. I accepted crumbs because I suppose some part me of me feared it was all I would ever have..*wry smile* and I was right in that! How could a love so right, change into something else in you? The answer to that is simple; YOU held back. YOU chose to transform it and in places and at times tarnish the beauty. You took knowing what I gave and walked away from giving the same back. How can love survive when one gives and the otehr measures and metes, and trickles a few drops only..enough to barely sustain hope but eventually starves and kills love?? Love takes the active giving of both, willingly and freely. I know I give, but even I have limits and the price for us both became and is far too much.
I live with the stolen moments that become my eternity now....when you thought briefly you might love me, when for the briefest moment you considered knowing the truth of the soul I am..and you can be..
There will not be one moment I do not think of you. the emptiness inside me reaches up to swallow me and I embrace the nothingness.. I walk into silence and a darkness so deep I am not sure I will ever even find my way out again...and that is fine. I do not care what happens. I no longer fight life.. I will not move on. i just pull back into the shadows away from life.
