The Beginning Poems
Growing Up Thoughts & Views
Grace Humorous Moments
Changes In My Journey Tributes
Friends Contact Me
Family Favorite Links
What's New
There were so many differences in between others and myself as I was growing up. It was hard to see anything common or feel anything like real love. I always knew I was different from others and often felt that the differences were because I did not have a �normal childhood�. Much of the time I wondered how long my stay would be anywhere after 12 years of age.
I tried to find commonality and many times, I did not realize just how much I was being judged because I had no family of my own until later about thirteen years old. So once, I learned about my biological mother and realized she was too sick to take care of me; my greatest wish was having a family and to be loved.
This may not have seemed like too big of a wish for anyone else or maybe even to some a fairy tale with a happy-ending all boxed up with a pretty bow on top. I can tell you and others from my family can tell you this could be nothing further from the truth. I just wanted things to be okay and to feel normal especially since all my life I felt everything was far from normal.
From eleven years old to fifteen years old, I had to make many adult decisions for myself. By the time I got to fifteen years of age my new family of which I had entered would spend years trying to get me to stop making the decisions I was not ready for in strides of great love, compassion (even when I saw it different), and hopes of seeing me successful all these failed at times.
I believe what made it harder was, they did not have all the information they needed in order to help me. It wasn�t their fault. I had become an alcoholic and an addict and they were blind to it as so was I. I could not reach out because I had made a place inside myself to nurse my wounds and one-day revolt against all. Because the hell I had lived in was not fair I didn�t ask for it and I just wanted to get past it all and make it okay, no matter what that meant.
The hardest thing for me to allow was anyone loving me. No one would have to accept me and no one could hurt me, or so I thought, if they could not love me and I didn�t love them. There was a couple of problems with this, my parents did and do love me and I did and do love them.
While I write this page I want it to be truthful, but it is not to place blame or embarrass my family in anyway. They love me. The difference is I know that today. Years ago, I could not have known what love was. I did want to be loved and I did want to be accepted. I had no clue how that could ever work though, and especially since everything in my life was far from love and acceptance.
Through many interesting and changing events, we went through the adoption process. All though once I had started back to school in my senior year we found out that the papers had not gone through until later in October 1984.
I had been through the system of the state and orphanages and group homes finding hell for a lot of others just like me. Only now, I had a family my greatest wish was granted, yet so neglected, once I got it. Growing up didn�t just consist of just my childhood it took adult years of learning to grow up to and finally being accountable and seeking help for myself to help myself.
The years of rage have been a mighty wind blowing in and out of people�s lives and leaving me somewhere trapped with in myself unable to call for help until I climbed out of the hole I had buried myself in. One minute wanting to be clean and sober and the next wanting nothing more than to be numb to all the pain and humiliation I have felt because of who, I am and what I had gone through.
I haven�t climbed out all the way yet, but it is me waving the white flag surrendering and trying to find some balance and healthy way of accepting and loving myself and wanting it to be known with in myself God loves me no matter what and that He hasn�t dropped me. He has been busy gluing some of the shattered pieces back together and making some dreams come back to life again.
I am gay and God loves me, and He accepts me. My family and I have experienced restoration and have bridges to reach one another again. I am on the mission of self-acceptance now and learning to love myself. This and more shall be revealed in the changes of my journey.