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The time in which I learned about grace and what it would mean for me was life changing. I had joined a group called Grace Online. For me at that time was exactly what I needed was some grace. As you have read about the beginning and my growing up you can see that I truly had to accept some hard things, yet no one really accepted me nor in some cases would I allow anyone to accept me.
For years, I had been taught and perceived grace as something you earned, which is totally opposite of even the meaning of the word. I had carried hatred and trusted no one. There was no saving me from the living hell inside me, or so I thought. I had never witness such grace and truth in action until I had joined this group. I was done with church and friendships for the most part. I really felt each were just childhood fables.
What I did not know was all these preconceived notions would change in one weekend.
I visited a church in Sherwood, Arkansas named Open Door Community Church. In that weekend I would go out side and think to myself no one can accept me here. They have no idea of what my past consists of or how sick I have been. It is all fine for anyone else and besides I was going to bust the gates of hell wide open, with all my anger and hatred. I even worried about if I was dressed right, and yet no one said anything or seemed to care about that.
Now, I had listened to some cd�s which featured Pastor Randy there and Sheryl, a mother of a gay son who's family are members of the church. I had done this ahead of time, as David my now spiritual Dad had wanted me to see Grace was real and he practiced Grace by his actions and pastors Open Door Community Church in Denver,Colorado. I resisted going at first but thought maybe this time could be different. Maybe this time I could meet people and not have to share anything. Maybe I could just experience love and joy and really have a clean slate with God.
I would find through out that weekend we probably sang the song, �It is well� five or six times. As we stood to sing that song each time something inside my heart and soul just made me jump and in my throat was a very hard lump as tears streamed down my face and I knew I had finally found home. Grace was real. The people were real, my past mattered not, for my sin not in part but the whole is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more! I cannot tell you in words what that meant for me as peace and joy and the forgiveness I received that weekend swept over me.
I had finally learned grace was not just a fable. It was not just a bible topic we studied, and then decided to do as we pleased the rest of the week. I felt grace for the first time with every fiber of my being. Now granted I would soon have to learn to practice grace to and I wish that I could tell you I give total grace for the abuse that happened to me and the abuser, but I cannot tell you that. I am still human and I make mistakes like anyone else.
I don�t dwell so much on the past that I am still in victim role but I am a survivor. God helped me through when I couldn�t help myself. Today he places people in my life for me to help, and those who can help me. It has been a long road and I am far from reaching the finish line or perfection.
Grace has given me the ability to trust and love some again. I have met some wonderful people and I have met some fantastic people I now consider part of my family. I do still have times of the old thinking pop up but, inside I know God loves me and accepts for whom and what he created me to be. In the course of learning grace and it actually being a part of my life I have learned to rebuild relationships with my own family and take responsibility for those things I have failed in.
Grace is healing, loving, and trusting me to live my life in full and to walk humbly with God. It has washed my soul and made me whole. Grace never judged me, for people judge people; and if we all could just see that grace is real for all, there would be no more judgment. Grace is built by bridges and seeing our commonality rather than the differences. May we never forget it is by Grace we walk and breathe and by Grace we believe and so shall we receive all that is promised to us by His great love.
For no greater love is than a man to lay down life for another and that�s what Christ did for each of us and rose again. May we never forget Him in all we do, say, or think.