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The changes in my journey were really on a downward spiral for a long time due to some poor choices when I decided I was an adult and could do as I pleased. Being an alcoholic and addict further diminished my capability as far as taking responsibility.
In the following years, I would know what it would mean to be homeless, no job accepting abuse and abusing myself by either choices or drinking into oblivion and to the point I was awakened choking on myself by a land lady thank God she was there.
Though it would take longer for me to realize I had to do something about my drinking; it was 1500 miles or so later and trucker picking me up from a town called Wellsville, MO.
Passing out by railroad tracks by the affects of weather and fire ants to where I was badly infected and I could not heal on my own. I had ended up in Fort Lauderdale by this time.
I had managed to stay a day or two sober realizing both my need for clothes, which at the time consisted of some skimpy swim trunks and a dress shirt and boots. I carried hate of my childhood, hate for any authority and yet I had a need and the only way to get that need met was to trust someone.
Ironically, the railroad track I was at was right across from a building where 12 step meetings are held. I had no clue until someone told me if I went in I could get help and they would help me get food and necessities. I could not stay sober very long at first and a biker named Roy talked with me in a back room I was scared I was in trouble. I was scared if I confided in him he might reject me. I didn�t want anyone to know me just help me until I could start my life over.
My life changed for a little while after that day; I wanted to learn how to drink. Roy said he wanted to as well and that there was no way that he knew an alcoholic to drink and remain sober.
I had easily said words from time to time that I was an alcoholic and I needed a drink. Obviously, this was my sarcasm. However, admitting finally that I had a problem was a whole other issue. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol and drugs? How could I? I was tired of being beaten by society and my view of it especially growing up �in the system�.
That night I got my first chance to say and admit to myself �I am Michael and I am an alcoholic.� I did something I had not done in a while after all they were mentioning a spiritual thing and I thought can�t Jesus just help me, through this? Moreover, said it aloud. Then of course came the second part I am an addict oh the room went silent but I had a coach like to help me with that part cuz I told him if there was a plant God had to have made it and after all God did use marijuana
(more of my rationalization).
I would get mad at some who had many days under their belt sober, as they said you are not done drinking. I spilled more on my tie than you drank, some would say. Don�t you know I was only 19? I was sick and powerless over many things and sick of tired of being sick and tired. I made it 6 months clean and sober, people were proud of me for what seemed the first time in a long time. I was finally doing something right.
I was finally put on a list for a half way house I had to call each day and say I am sober and still want to come in. At seven months sober, I got very scared when the call came in. I was called into the half way house to go through a processing. I had heard all kinds of stories, people who had been to prison were in there! This half way house was often referred to as the last house on the block. As it was literally, the last one and only one on this block and it meant the last place before jail, sanitarium, or death if you were lucky enough to live through the next drink or drug. That first night I was put on restriction as a probationary period.
This was the norm when you were first accepted. I could not go anywhere I could not call anyone for thirty days. However they did get me into seek medical attention as I was still badly infected from the ants. I was finally able to get relief.
I finally got a job and made good money; I still had a few problems to get uncovered. I started having some emotional problems and I really could not handle the stress of doing well.
I was put on medication and told I could no longer work at that point. I had experienced a break down only it was discovered this was something that was ongoing. I could not stop it then.
The big chief of the half way house told me to enjoy my break it was ok I just needed to take a pill.
It was then my life would start crumbling because of so much inside me.
I could not handle success. At nine months sober, I went and drank again and to a point of no real return until years later. I was eventually kicked out of the half way house and shortly returned to Missouri. I tried to make a fresh start to find myself drinking once more. Soon it was back to Florida and starting over there. Eventually I moved to California and someone had stolen all my writings. That literally killed me emotionally for months. I had written since I was 14 and that was my soul that was taken when those writings were taken.
I stayed bitter and tried to get sober once more. I made it two years finally and again headed back to Missouri. I eventually settled in to the city still sober and then finally my worst fear happened.
I had to stop pretending to be straight I could not keep up going in and out of the closet.
In the meantime I had started to stray away from God into black magic.
I stayed in that for what would be a couple of years and many unstable environments, as I truly detested my being, and the truth on the inside.
I finally got scared back to God I was literally running to church one day.
My two friends, of whom I will always be grateful to; helped me get close to God, opened their home to me and I called them my mamas. Carol and Rosie spent hour�s night after night day after day with me. They helped me find confidence to get employment again too as well as get my drivers license back. They helped me with so much I could never repay only pass on to others what I learned.
Later, I would meet a man named Mark through my friends Kathy and Cheryl.
Mark and I would have a relationship that lasted 6-7 years as in denial of what I had emotionally would destroy any romantic part of a relationship I had with him.
In 1998, I had my last drink but this would not fix the relationship or me. I had learned to blame others for what was wrong in my life. During this same time I had a physical ailments too which caused me to stop working. It took over three years fighting to get disability and accept I could no longer work.
By the year 2000, I was on a search for my biological mother and family.
In February 2000, almost a year to the day I found my biological family and learned my biological mother had passed. In truth each of us were searching for one another and had a big reunion among the five of many siblings. I was also trying to mend fences with my own family who I call my real family today as they had always been there even through my drinking and drugs which they had no clue of until one day I sat them down to explain the majority of my wreckage. Also during the months ahead, my disability for the first part came through.
By the year 2001, the relationship I had with Mark would cease and we would decide mutually to end it by my choice first. I thought I was in love with him yet, we both had been damaged beyond repair of saving this relationship. In the mean time, I chose to quit church over rumors and the fact I was not stable. I had been hurt by those because no one took the time to ask as often happens. However, that time had made my decision not to ever darken a church door again and it would be 2002 before I did attend with a halfway open heart as mentioned in my link to Grace.
Today I want to say I feel close to my parents and family. Mark and I are now best friends and both are on the tracks we need to be as individuals. I pray my story has blessed you somehow, and gives you more of a clue of exactly who Michael4Grace really is.