Columns by Mike Crowl, from the Dunedin Star Midweeker, Dunedin, New Zealand                               [Water Matters column]

Column Eight - 5th Oct, 1994

The Taxman Cometh Monthly

It is in the nature of things that columnists must write one out of
four columns for the taxman. Every four weeks this leaves the columnist
with the agonizing choice: which column belongs to the taxman, the good,
the bad, or the ugly? (I mean the good, bad and ugly columns, of
course.)

It also means that the columnist has an obvious problem: if he writes
a column intended merely to sate the surfeited coffers of the Infernal
Revenue, will the readers be able to detect such writing? Will the
readers come to each column wondering: Is This The One?

Worse, will the taxman begin to insist that the columns written for
him be better than usual, (if such were possible), and that he must have
a dedication at the top?

I suppose one way round this problem would be to cast a web of mystery
around the persona of the columnist. Columns have often been used as
places where fairly insignificant individuals fulfil their literary
aspirations. Dear Abby is one example, or The Weasel - sorry, I mean the
Ferret.

Does/did Dear Abby exist? More importantly, for our purpose, does
Mike Crowl exist? Or is he merely a figment of the editor's imagination?

Is Column 8 thrown together at the last minute by the reporter with
the least to do that week? Is the photograph at the top merely a
morphing of the faces of several different reporters?

Will you ever see Crowl in public, or will you only see a character
portrayed by an otherwise out-of-work actor? Would he always be played
by the same actor in fact? (The beard is a clue: it would help to
disguise the possibility that several different people could portray
Crowl.)

Is Crowl merely an urban myth, like the phantom hitchhiker - a
character always spoken about at second hand who turns up to haunt
gullible people for the next twenty or thirty years? And if Crowl is
only a myth, why should one fourth of his earnings be deducted for the
taxman?

If I harp on this point, it is because I suspect that Crowl is not
alone in his mythical status. I have long wondered, in fact, if there is
even such person as Miles Singe. In my opinion, Miles Singe is actually
the combined pseudonym of several anonymous writers.

There are various clues to the writers' personalities in the title of
the column, "Singe Marks."

Marks is plainly a pun on Marx, which means that one writer has
communist leanings, though we must say that he keeps these fairly close
to himself. This may also indicate his age - I guess he's a victim of
the 1950s reds-under-the-bed neurosis.

"Singe" is even more revealing. "Sin," the first part of this cryptic
word, indicates a writer from a Catholic background, and may even tell us
that he is a relative of the famous Phillipino Cardinal, (who invited
someone into his home by saying, "Welcome to the house of Sin.")

"Sing" shows that somewhere in one writer's past he (or she) has had a
musical career, while "Inge" gives us a clue as to the extent of
another's writing ambitions - compare Dean Inge.

The "ng" may indicate ing-digenous origins, although perhaps this is a
little far-fetched.

With both these personalities thus being of mythical status, they
cannot possibly be subject to tax. Would we attempt to tax Zeus or Pan?

Let me suggest to all readers who have friends in the tax dept, (and I
don't mean if you owe them money), that you encourage such friends to
read this column and consider whether the Infernal Revenue should really
be subjecting Crowl or Singe to tax.

I'll be interested to hear their thoughts on the matter.

Return to the New Index.

Some other columns...

Fourth Column and
                  What constitutes a Taxman'sColumn
On Artists' responsibilities
                  On Books or Graphology                   
On Beards or Clothes
On Dinosaurs
On Vicars and belief/doubt - and Nuns
On Exercise
On Being a Techno-Freak
Columns on Words and Word play:-
Bafflegab
Cant is my Wont!
Flabbergastation, Generation X (and a
few other generations)
Ickle-Uckle
Large Bird Mangled with a Weapon
Short course in new Maori

Return to the Main Page

The Ferret is/was the pseudonym of a columnist in the Auckland magazine, Metro [Back] 1