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I have received a communication from Metatarsa (who does not have newsgroup access) suggesting a fun way to mark one's progress through peri and post menopause and into true Cronehood 

By way of explanation, Metatarsa is a thoroughly post menopausal woman who says she's proud and happy to be deemed a crone which she sees as a "powerful, untrammeled and self-directing" woman elder. She claims that despite their often "ordinary, nay homely" exteriors there usually lurks within not only power but a "twinkling mischief, childlike sense of fun and delight in secrets". She has chosen to make this manifest in her own life by secreting within her "practical though not exactly orthopedic" shoes a set of metallic golden toenails. She says that just as only a crone can truly know the inner rewards and golden joys of being one, only she knows about her secret golden toes. 

Being proud and protective of her status of Crone, she believes that it is a state not to be lightly claimed, but to be worked for and approached in stages. Accordingly, in the best tradition of the Brownies et al, the following ritual marking of such an approach is proposed for anybody who cares to participate: 

1st phase (silver)
NB Silver toes are earned automatically simply by the passing of a period of time

  • On the first realization of the perimenopausal state (or post to asm), automatic award of one *silver* toe. 
  • Each six full moons thereafter, one more silver toe.
 2nd phase (small gold)
NB Gold toes are earned at a specific moment in time when a significant event occurs 
  • If all toes are already silver, then a gold small toe may be substituted each six full moons
  • After any passing of six full moons without a period, a gold small toe may be claimed immediately (no need to wait for the regular interval)
  • a small gold toe may be added at the discretion of the Cronette whenever she notices a significant *lasting* change within herself, whether physical(e.g. no more hot flashes) or psychological (e.g. greatly increased tolerance/assertiveness)
 3rd phase (large gold) 
  • On the momentous occasion of 12 full moons without a period, 1 large gold toe may be claimed immediately (no need to wait for the regular interval)
  • After a further year, the second large gold toe may be added. 
  • Small gold toes may added as above whenever the footowner deems herself to have achieved a significant positive shift in physical or psychological fundtioning
Metatarsa actually *has* gold painted toenails but concedes that some "more uptight young things who still think they had better look normal" might want to just colour in the nails of diagrammatic feet. Personally I think a couple of gold toes set off by 6 silver ones might be rather fun and certainly the starting point for conversation leading to educating others about meno. 

(Metatarsa is old enough to be before the days of HRT so has no suggestions for how to adapt this to people who never stop having a bleed, or indeed for those with hysterectomies. She leaves that for others to propose (click here to send your proposal)



Later clarifications in response to queries: 
  • Toes which are neither silver nor gold may be left naked or painted blood red (where appropriate..) or done in a colour to match the footowner's outfit
  • All decision making is the responsibility of the footowner who may decide to reject the whole stupid idea, adopt it exactly, or adapt the award system to better serve her situation
 Pat (Crone)
The posting of the idea of the Order of Golden Toes evoked a convoluted thread of discussion of the concept of cronehood and of a ritual for menopause and I am reproducing some of it here. I have tried to format it to make sense despite the responses being so interwoven by using different text colours for different posters in each conversation.(Tishy)
To me it seems that when you get to crone you  have "conquered" both the physical and spiritual aspects of the 'change' / 'transition' whereby you have become one splendid woman, wise and unfettered by the physical requirements of being a 'reproductive' being.  I think some of the spiritual changes can even precede peri. 

I am not expressing this well.  But the idea of being able to display with pride (in sandals of course) the various stages that begin to unfold after the last of the children are born and that culminate in crone is a wonderful thing.  It replaces a big big void.  And if not the toenails, could always do designs on the fingernails. 

Instead of the cult of youth, "crone cult". 

Wendy 



In some parts of the world, unmarried girls wear flowers on a certain side of their hair, right?  It's a signal: they're available for courting.  What are some other signals for later?  Is that it?  Oh-- wedding bands, meaning: I am taken, and I was valuable to my mate. So all the purposeful symbols I can think of for indicating one's position have to do with mating. Actually, that is incorrect--teenagers have friendship bracelets, and apparently they collect these, to indicate popularity... 

The point of this rambling is that there isn't any symbolism which is respected and valued for older women!  (I can think of traditional black dresses--all the colors gone, to indicate the end to frivolity I suppose).  In fact, this passage has always been a quiet one, and uncelebrated. 

I like the idea of having an outward and visible sign of passage!  But why a secret one?  I think we should have crone bracelets, made of copper, then silver, then gold, then platinum (!), and then, if my wishes were to come true, those bracelets would give us instant status-- 

There's the rub, isn't it? Merely achieving a moment in time is not worthy of anything.  It's the enriching inner life, the sense of arrival into wisdom, that is to be celebrated. 

In our current society, only the way we look is valued, all too often; we are still stuck at the young girl stage of life. 

After examining my own inner self, I figure I deserve--hmmm--a silver bracelet, but not gold yet: I still have some growing old to do in there!  Today, Pat, I am off on a 4-day holiday.  I will spend some time getting my feet looking lovely (!) and then go out and shop for silver toenail polish. 

JackieJ 


    I am philosophically opposed to any jewelry that confers any sort of status.
If you don't approve of jewelry, consider putting a streak in your hair or better yet, buy a gold Lexus. 
    I approve of jewelry--I wear jewelry. Just not for status purposes. My hair has enough streaks, TYVM, and if you want to buy me a Lexus, I'll take it.
The main point being, find a way to 'celebrate crone'. 
    I guess I don't feel a need for that.
An outward, visible way that sends a message.  It can be a subtle message that only other crones recognize.  But more importantly, it is a message to oneself that one is on the way to 'crone'.  A message that helps to push away the negative implications of 'you are getting old'. 
    If it's not on the inside, what does it matter what's on the outside?
Like wine we can either become more complex and subtle or turn to vinegar.  Personally I prefer the first. 
    Sure, no argument here. I just (don't) feel the need for a t-shirt that says "Hey! I'm complex and subtle!"
Wendy 


How about getting a tampon bronzed to hang from our rear-view mirrors ;) ? 

Verdant 


    In our current society, only the way we look is valued, all too often; we are still stuck at the young girl stage of life.

    After examining my own inner self, I figure I deserve--hmmm--a silver bracelet, but not gold yet: I still have some growing old to do in there!  Today, Pat, I am off on a 4-day holiday.  I will spend some time getting my feet looking lovely (!) and then go out and shop for silver toenail polish.
    JackieJ 

yes! yes! yes! 

It is time to create outward visible symbols that represent content, substance, value .... not the void of grey, black, empty nothingness. 

Time to define this as a time of life to be valued. 

We have redefined many things ... time to redefine and renegotiate the contract of growing older as a woman. 

What a wonderful project!  Something to do in the long wakeful hours when the rest of the world is sleeping. 

(Wendy ) 

      I like that: "..when the rest of the world is sleeping."  Because this shifting of self-definition must first take place in secret. Perhaps it is no coincidence that the silver- and gold-painted toenails are to be hidden from the world: this is inner work, the best work there is.  (JackieJ)


 Every cause under the sun, it seems, gets one of those ribbons -- like the pink one for breast cancer awareness. 

We could all wear purple ones, in tribute to the poem entitled "Warning!"  Or pick a purple flower (violets, perhaps) and get ourselves a piece of jewelry that replicates the violet. 

Or we could carry fans and use them. ([email protected]


     >> I am not expressing this well.  But the idea of being able to  display with pride (in sandals of course) the various stages that begin to unfold after the last of the children are born and that culminate in crone is a wonderful thing.  It replaces a big big void.
Oh! I understand now. This is one of those so-called meno things that I've never quite gotten:  I don't have children. I don't have a big big void that needs to be filled. 
     Who's talking about a 'personal' void?.
I thought you were; bearing children is a personal thing. 
     I certainly wasn't
Then what kind of void?? 

I'm not expressing myself very well at all here, I'm sure. I've never had children. When I wanted to have a child, it was clearly a sociocultural or hormonal imperative rather than something from deep inside of me. My menopause isn't much connected with the death of my childbearing capacity for me. 
 

    Let me begin my answer by asking a question.
      How would you describe the stages of a woman's life?
      How does the 'world' describe the stages of a woman's life?
Childhood, adulthood, cronehood, death. 
 
     How does the 'world' describe the stages of a woman's life? 
I don't know. If it's not personally relevant to me, I am not sure I care, either. 
    I think it is relevant to all women that 'cronehood' is not a universally accepted concept. 
    That is the void.  Beginning to identify and recognize what happens between adulthood and cronehood will fill a big, big void.(Wendy)
 Er, okay. (anon) 
    I think it is relevant to all women that 'cronehood' is not a universally accepted concept.
I think it may be more accurate to say that the world doesn't recognize it as something to be desired. After all what is cronehood? I know what I think it is - but so do the doom and gloom sayers and our definitions are incredibly different. Obviously the world has to accept that women stop being reproductive yet still keep on living - hey Lilly assures of that so it must be true! 

The issue is, what value is placed on the nonreproductive woman? To me, cronehood (defined simply as being postmenopausal) is a stage of greater development and as such is worthy of celebration. To many others it is a stage of decay and failure. With such a world view it is only to be expected that it would be denied and hidden. 

    But 'nonreproductive' does not equal 'crone'. I think this is very important. Cronehood is a lot more than just not being reproductive. I mean, I've been nonreproductive for 47 years already. 
Virtually all natural things are cyclical - and women certainly are. At the moment the "world" places the peak of their overall cycle at the reproductive stage then assumes that thereafter nothing happens. 
    > Because "the world" will keep placing its value on reproduction, it is up to one's own inner world to affirm value after reproduction is past.  That is why I like the idea you speak of here, that one self-assigns the next stage (and has one's own ritual, the painting of a gold toe!) Jackij
      >>Because the world will keep placing its value on reproduction, it is up to one's own inner world to affirm value without reproduction. anon
Being ten years post, I know this isn't true. I have made great developmental strides in the last fifteen years and like Lilly, I want the "world" to know that this is possible. I specially want perimenopausal women to know it so that the possibly difficult transition years can be viewed as the means to an end rather than the beginning of the end. 
    That is the void.  Beginning to identify and recognize what happens between adulthood and cronehood will fill a big, big void. 
More clarification would help here I think. It's a concept I can relate to but I have no idea if I mean what you do! In terms of silver and golden toe nails, Metatarsa believes that the possibility of the receipt of a reward, no matter how trivial or flimsy, puts a more positive spin on things. Simply living through it is progress in the physical sense, but in order to gain a golden toenail a real shift in perspective is needed. 
    But isn't the shift in perspective the reward?
In particular, the fact that golden nails are self-awarded and not automatic (on the whole) means that a woman has to examine her own motives, feelings, mind set or whatever and decide whether or not the change she senses is progress. Has she in fact changed? Is this a good thing and worthy of another dab of gold? 

Evidently the idea has caught on with a few people, though it is no doubt despised by an equal number. I have had several emails announcing that the writer has awarded herself another golden toenail for whatever reason, and some asking does such and such qualify?  To qualify, the occasion/act/event must be such that the footowner sees it as minor or major triumph, a definite moment in time when it is realised that a shift has taken place. Pure passage of time only merits silver, but it *does* merit because it *is* progress. 

Believe me, life is good this side of the so-called "divide" - more accurately at this place on the continuum! Pat (Crone)

    That's what I am trying to say--there is no void or divide, it's a continuum. What's the big deal?
      But a continuum is just so continuous. 
      It needs a little marker now and then to break up the monotony. Wendy
    But where's the void if it's a continuum? There are too many metaphors floating around for me to really understand what you're trying to say. My fault, I'm sure.
    My personal continuum is full of markers. If yours isn't, and you feel a need to break up the monotony of your life, that's fine by me. But just because you aren't doing it, don't assume that everyone isn't. anon


Hypothesis: 
If we would be magnificent crones, then we need to get started on this 'early'.  Just addressing it when we cease to be reproductive means we have lost many opportunities to prepare and practice, practice, practice. 

Magnificent crone needs to be an 'objective' so that we are aiming for something. 

Currently the most that many women aim for is the avoidance of looking old; that is not enough to become magnificent crone. 

Take Shelly's concepts of being involved, being active, discovering 'new things' and Grey's this is the time to begin to form an independent identity (roughly paraphrased) in a recent post, and you begin to have something that women can aim for. 

From the time that the decision is made to reproduce *no more* (God's or our personal decision), if we haven't done it sooner, we should begin to regard ourselves as something to be created, formed, refined ... made magnificent .. for content .. for substance.  We should begin defining our cronehood.  We should be sure that we will be regarded highly in our cronehood, and that we are worthy of being regarded highly.  We should be sure that our voices will be heard and that our voices will be respected.  We should be sure that we become the wise integration of what we have learned, and that we are able to focus that power and energy for the benefit of ourselves and others.  Examine the powerful crones of the past.  Isn't that what you see?  They did not become that way overnight.  Their power in cronehood was the fruit of their 'labors' - their post-productive labors - that probably began when either the last child was born, or when the decision to whelp no more was made. 

I believe there will be many things that we will want to qualify as making progress toward cronehood ...  magnificent cronehood.  Some will be overcoming of physical manifestations that occur in peri-menopause and menopause; others will be spiritual in nature; others will be indications of 'growth' of the mind and improvement of the body; whereas still others could be political in nature( eg. participating in the future as a magnificent, powerful crone ... read sitting on the board of a community college here). 

The void I see - we do not have models, recipes or road maps for becoming Golda Meir's.  And I don't think it is rocket science either.  I think it is a matter of focus.  And that focus should begin around the late 30's, early 40's. 

These are only my ideas / feelings, and hopefully it conveys why cronehood and the ritual marking of progress struck a cord in me. 

Wendy 


    : How does the 'world' describe the stages of a woman's life?
Kid, babe, broad, old broad ;) 

(anon) will of course have her own answer, but I'd let the woman do it, if she wanted to.  Each woman. 

Oh, and (anon), I thought the "big, big void" referred to the complete lack of any formal rite of passage for menopause. 

I personally dislike large formal society-wide passages like that, since they are rapidly taken over by advertising interests and never seem to have anything to do with my life.  Planning a wedding was interesting, in that regard.  But it's true that there is no wedding or even "sweet-sixteen" or coming-of-age equivalent for menopause, and I thought that was what the gold toenail stuff was trying to address. 
Pamela Dean Dyer-Bennet        [email protected] 

    Got it in one Pamela! Though "menopause" is more of a long drawn out thing of course so it was also trying to address the concept that this is not a single moment in time but an unfolding process extending probably over years. Pat (Crone)

So this is what you want? Purple and gold toe rings, another Sweetest Day? 

    What I want is for women in the 40+, 50+, 60+, 70+ age groups to feel that they are wonderful, valued, creative, appreciated, just-getting-better-all-the-time.  I think that is a very simple concept.  Sometimes having a little token can make it seem more real. Wendy 
Other personal rituals
I tend to create my own rituals, usually by trying to find a physical act  that can serve as a metaphor for whatever it is I'm trying to ritualize.  Often, that involves burning or throwing away a symbolic representation of  whatever it is I'm "done" with, and making-creating a symbolic  representation of whatever it is I'm trying to begin or embrace. 

 Throw in candles, incense, herbs, a little wine, a little food  and -- voila! ritual!

 Sometimes these things are private, and sometimes I share them with a few  carefully selected friends. They can be solemn or silly (I remember one  ritual I built with another woman to celebrate her divorce -- we almost  peed our pants laughing, especially when she produced a pair of her ex's  boxer shorts and a butcher knife and proceeded to cut them into ribbons  ...).

 My love of ritual is probably all mixed in with my love of theater and my  Roman Catholic girlhood -- I adored all that incense and candlelight; it  wasn't long after everything got "secularized" that I left the church.
  Anyone care to muse on what elements might go into a proper menoritual? 
Pat Kight



Re your question about possible elements for a proper menoritual: 

Hmmm: Jung says bowls are very symbolic of the feminine in dreams.  (I remember a dream in my first hot-flash days in which I set a hot bowl out on an icy porch and it shattered).  Anyway, if it were my very own ritual, I would want a beautiful bowl--the best bowl would be made by a woman potter, I think, in just the colors I wanted. 

I would ask my friends to come--just women.  We would wear beautiful flowing gowns (it's my party!), and stand in a circle, with flowers and green plants and cold clear water in jars and pots and vases. 

You are right: some incense (I like patchouli, from my hippie days!), and many candles...for me, music--something transitional.  What do you recommend, RuthJ?  I tend toward French music--how about the powerful Daphnis and Chloe? (Don't know the plot, just love its fluid intensity). 

Into this quiet, candlelit milieu I would read some stories from my journal about my past and then one by one put the scraps of paper into the bowl.  Then we would all burn them up, because the past is gone. 

Then I would read journal notes about who I have become out of that past and who I hope and dream to still become.  And I would place these into the bowl, and then we would all stand in our circle silently and listen to some hopeful and triumphant music... 

Then we would hug each other and each of us share our hopes and dreams, and have supper together!  And that would be my very own menoritual for myself (oh, and I would have gold toenails...) 

This is just a thought.  But thank you especially for your serene words: "I tend to create my own rituals...." Would that we all did!  We would be the better for it. 

JackieJ

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