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On this you will find stories of our past, present and even future. Some of them are true, some are false. Some are believable, some aren't so believable. Some make sense, some don't. Some are funny, some aren't so funny. Some are dumb, others are more stupid. Some are bleak and have no meaning or moral, others teach life long lessons, but mostly their just bullshit that we made up for a good laugh! Ha!

"The Test" NEW

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door . . .

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason was I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

"Old Ladies & Tequila" NEW

A man walks into a bar and pulls up a stool at the counter. He notices a big jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses that there must be thousands of dollars in it. He asks the bartender "hey, wuts with that jar?"
    The bartender replies "well, you put ten bucks in, then you have to do three challenges. If you do them all, you get the whole jar."
    "Well what are the challenges?"
    "I can't tell ya until you put your money in."   So the man puts the cash in, and the bartender tells him the three things he has to do. "First, you have to drink that whole gallon of jalapeno tequila, all at once, without making a face. Then, there is a pitbull in the back with a rotten tooth. You have to go back there, and pull the dogs tooth with your bare hands. Then, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs that has never reached orgasm during sex. You have to make it work for her."
    "Are you fuckin nuts?" asks the man. "There is no way anyone could drink that much tequila. And dont even try to get me to do those other two things." But, after a few beers, the man yells out "wheres that tequila?!" He chugs the whole gallon, tears streamin down his face, but never making a face. Then he goes outside. From the bar you can hear the dog growl, the man scream, the dog yelp, then silence... A couple of seconds later, the man comes back into the bar, bloody and battered, and says "hey, wheres that old lady with the toothache?"

"The Rectal Examinations"

Once upon a time, in Hapalap-pap, there was a little amish boy that no-one played with. He did enjoy the regular amish pastimes, such as barn raising and butter churning, but he wanted to try something new. He thought to himself "gee, i really don't wanna be amish anymore. But father will want to do another 'rectal inspection' if I don't follow the teachings."
     And he did not really care for fathers "rectal inspections". Pappy stuck this strange warm sticky pole up his anus, but he never told his son what it was, and he never let him see it. The boy also disliked not having a furnace in the house. One time it got so cold that father had give a "rectal inspection" to sister, and he used his finger to inspect the boy. But sister did not have the same "tools" as the boy. And the boy wondered "what happened to sisters swizzle stick?". So one time he asked her. He said "sister, don't mind me asking, but what happened to your penis? Did father have to eat it, like he sucks on mine?" And she responded "no, idiot. If you didn't already notice, I am a girl. And the way that babies are born are the man sticks his penis, or maybe you would better know it as fathers 'rectal examination pole', into mothers happy spot. I have the happy spot, like mother. Would you like to see it?" Brother was very curious about this, so he told sister "yes. Yes I would." So sister pulled down her pantaloons and started touching herself in the strangest way. She started to moan and groan, and eventually she let out a great cry and shot clear goo all over brothers face. "He He, that's sticky!" The boy did not know what the stuff was, but he did know that sister keep making the stuff come out. Finally, she passed out and fell to the ground, smashing her head on a table. "Oh well. She must be tired. Father was pretty noisy last night during my rectal examination."
    So he walked off into the forest and came across a sleeping old man. The man had his pants down and his head was backwards, so the boy thought "father must have given him a 'rectal examination'. Oh well, tee hee!" And he was off again. Then a tree asked him, "how would you like to be the queen of the forest?"
    "But I'm a boy, I think."
    "I said queen and I stick with that! Now pull down your pantaloons and bend over. It's time for a rectal examination!" And the tree gave him the most vicious, horrible, and pleasureful "rectal examination" he ever felt.

The End!!!

"The Vicious Eel"
(This one is kin of old and most people have heard it but here it is anyway)

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor is because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan
and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big eel
; had got inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes
got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave
and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started
hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

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