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| well, here we are i've finally decided to protest the crap that subprofile.com does to me and so i've moved the contents of my subprofile to my website. I hope you don't mind, it's the same stuff, and i intend to update it as often, but the popups were driving me nuts and when it stopped working i just couldn't deal with it anymore. so enjoy. |
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Or more accurately Bob, and the family I�m attempting to be polite to him based on the principle that mom needs someone to stick around after adam and I leave, but he sure makes it tough He spent the whole weekend insulting my grandparents � mostly just by using the longest words he can think of (I�m not certain that one was intentional, he just never learned the power of simplicity) it�s not that my grandparents can�t handle long words, it�s just that the way he does it just oozes arrogance � like he�s daring you to admit your ignorance or screw up so he can point out your idiocy�that�s not the way you treat anyone, least of all your de facto in-laws He also turned around and verbally abused them and everything about them to my mother Yes, my grandpa�s a sexist alcoholic Yes, he doesn�t blatantly acknowledge everything my grandma does for him But my mom has spent her entire life trying to escape that attitude and save me from that kind of shit � you CAN�T tell grandpa he�s wrong, and you can�t tell grandma her way of doing things, which involves catering to everyone, not just the males, is wrong He bashes them and the life that�s satisfied both of them for 50 years without offering a suitable solution I personally think that my mom�s efforts to prevent it from continuing in future generations are admirable, and that, instead of telling her she�s a horrible person for �accepting� their �immoral behavior�, he oughta give her some credit for what she has accomplished But no That�s not his style See, he�s exactly like my grandfather He wants what he wants when he wants it, and anyone who doesn�t jump-to is verbally abused That�s not an exaggeration It�s not my typical inflammatory language, designed to get my point across That�s exactly what it is Verbal abuse The only real differences between bob and my grandpa are 1. bob�s biases are infinitely more pc � you�re allowed to bash fat people for their irresponsible treatment of their bodies, but you can�t bash poor people or blacks or Hispanics for being, in your experience, perpetually involved in crime (don�t get me wrong, I�m not defending racism, I�m just pointing out that, statistically speaking, they have an almost equal probability of being correct in their snap judgments. Purely based on numbers, and certainly in the shithole that south bend is, minorities are more likely to be caught engaging in criminal activities. There�s a reason why there�s not more moral outrage against racial profiling. Anyhow, the bulk of crime in inner cities can be blamed on the hazards of social stratification, our historical oppression of racial groups and all that other liberal commie rhetoric. Those fat people who are fat b/c of laziness � since we live in iowa, our range of experience puts us in contact with many of them � could blame it on similar liberal commie rhetoric� �tv�s breakdown of the family unit�, �capitalism�s need for workers who can spend hours doing mundane and stupid things, which breeds inventions like video games that train children to sit still and spend hours doing boring and mundane things�, etc etc etc � liberal commie rhetoric frequently gives capitalism consciousness, btw�I�m not quite sure where the trend comes from, but it sure makes everything sound like a conspiracy�anyhow- what was I talking about? Oh, yes, given the circumstances in which each individual lives, their biases assume a similar level of validity, the only difference being how pc they are) 2. bob�s �I didn�t get what I wanted� tantrums are more subtle. My grandpa�s use of profanity is a long-standing joke in my family � he�s got a bad leg and, if it�s bothering him, he says �goddamnit, godfuckingdamnit� with every step. He swears at machines, at furniture, at the weather, and when he doesn�t get what he wants, his family. Bob doesn�t swear, he just goes off in a huff and says �fine, I�ll do it myself�. I�m sure you�ve heard that sort of thing before; it�s absolutely maddening. And it does qualify as a tantrum. Besides that, it has the exact same effect as grandpa�s swearing; it causes mom to jump or feel like shit 3. bob doesn�t realize that he�s a bastard. My grandpa KNOWS that he�s completely dependent on my grandma, and he does love her. He knows that the woman in his life is what makes his life worth living, and while he doesn�t actually say it, I think grandma understands his appreciation (ok, so maybe �appreciation� is too strong of a word � grandpa does seem a bit too embittered to really APPRECIATE anything�but there�s something there, and they both know it). besides that, grandpa is aware of some of his problems. Like alcoholism � I�m �just a kid� so I don�t get informed of things, but, from what I�ve picked up, grandpa used to be much worse about drinking than he is now, but he got himself slightly more under control. He�s far from perfect, but at least he attempted to make some changes. Bob, on the other hand, doesn�t recognize his flaws. He had the audacity to refer to my �snotty behavior� in my early teen years. I have to admit that there was some bad stuff going on, but he was at fault. I know that sounds childish, but let�s put it this way; bob has no experience with good kids � as a lawyer, the only teens he talks to are those who are involved in activities that put them in need of a lawyer, he put up w/ my older brother�s shit (which was very bad), and he himself was a very bad kid. Consequently, every time he suggested course of action to my mom regarding me, he assumed I was a bad kid. And mom, her confidence shattered by the fact that my father had left her and jason�s fucked up behavior, went against her intuition and LISTENED to the bastard. It�s very hard to be a good kid when everyone assumes that you�re just waiting to be destructive or some such shit. He still thinks mom failed with me. Adam was her only success, and he demonstrates his successfulness by not standing up for my mom when the fucking bastard treats her like shit. Don�t get me wrong, I adore my little brother, but he�s too willing to accept anything from anyone � he doesn�t care when they�re setting themselves up for disaster or if they�re utterly immoral or anything. (am I a bad kid? people keep deciding that I�m not suitable � like claudia�s mom and I don�t think any of my teachers liked me and all that�is there something immoral abt me or something? I try to follow my conscience and I try to be the person I want to be and every time I think I�m succeeding some new person comes out with some sort of grudge against me and I can�t figure out why b/c they never tell me why, they just pretend it�s all ok or that we have mutually agreed to silently despise each other and I don�t understand b/c I never �silently� despise people b/c that�s fucking dishonest and fucking wrong and it creates too many fucking problems and I never realize it when people do it to me. How am I supposed to figure these things out? What�s wrong w/ people? I hate them all) picture this lovely scene from the lake this weekend � bob and grandpa drinking beer after beer chatting up, doing that whole male bonding thing even though they despise one another each waking up the next morning feeling like shit, and each denying that alcohol could possibly play any role in the shittyness each drinking beers all night again the next night, even after adam said in his adamish way �hey, bob, you sure you don�t want me to get you a diet pepsi or something from the fridge � we do have other stuff than beer� each feeling like shit again the next morning mom and grandma both bitching abt how �you just can�t TELL him to stop� and how their damn menfolks are such fucking babies when they�re ill but won�t fucking change their behavior in an effort to avoid it makes me want to never hook up w/ anyone or be a lesbian despite my intense hatred of the bizarre ways that women typically interact with one another, it sometimes makes more sense than how men interact w/ anyone I think the fundamental problem here is that, in my family at least, you show your affection by doing nice things for the people you adore You make them happy, and thus are happy yourself It really does work, at least for me Take making tea, for example I bottle iced tea for myself, but I forfeited my favorite bottle so that I can fill it only w/ sugarless iced tea for my mom A very MILD sacrifice on my part, but she seems to enjoy having a beverage she can drink other than various forms of water (she�s on one of those stupid diets again) It makes her happy, and I like thinking that I�ve made her apparently unbearably stressful life slightly better I don�t think adam has yet discovered this principle He tries to make mom happy so that she doesn�t irritate him with her noise, not so that she�s happy Anyway, this practice, while excellent in theory, really sets you up for being taken advantage of b/c mom wanted bob to be happy, she went out to breakfast with him every morning, spending 6 or 8 bucks that she doesn�t have on nasty greasy food that she doesn�t want, b/c he didn�t want to stick around the house or eat what my grandma went out of her way to get for him (since she likes to make sure she�s got every person�s favorite food�she wouldn�t�ve bothered bringing eggs out to the lakehouse, which gets visited every weekend at most and usually less often, if he hadn�t gone with) everyone hates everyone I think I finally understand rousseau�s argument that people are fundamentally good, but then get corrupted by existing in society Time to read Thoreau, maybe he�ll have some good tips for becoming a hermit i don't care what you say abt inanimate objects, my shoes DO get up and walk away [4/30/03 11:38 AM] seriously i was walking along just normally (actually, i was kinda hopping and jogging) and suddenly i realized that i had no left shoe so i turn around in the middle of the street, wondering where it went, (at this point i can't really see b/c it's flashflooding and anyone who wears glasses knows what rain does to your vision) and i don't see it then, there's this flash of blue, running underneath a car at a rapid pace so i chase after it, underneath abt 5 cars (i didn't go underneath them, just ran along the side...though it would've been entertaining to do, except that the water was black...) finally i catch up to it and stomp on it, pinning it down and, when i had a good grip on it, dragging it out of the street it struggled madly for awhile, but i squelched it i got a few funny looks, but that's ok i was so wet at this point that no one i know would've recognized me i've also decided that people are silly some random chick (yes, she was a chick - she was wearing makeup and heels) said "i'd be having so much fun if i were just 10 years younger" now really, why should you have to be 8 or 9 to enjoy jumping in puddles? i was jumping in puddles and having a lot of fun w/ it granted, it wasn't entirely voluntary, but it was enjoyable nonetheless ppl watching is best when cicumstances are out of the ordinary - you get the freaks who seem to think that puddle-jumping is for children, then you get the people who are just having lots of fun - there were some, they were grinning like maniacs and hopping over the rivers (the streets, if you didn't get that already, turned into rapids) and then there were the poor people who looked like wet kittens - they were clustered in foyers or under other ppls unbrellas and mewling like they were being tortured they were amusing, in that "i'm so glad i'm not a freak like you" sort of way rain is fun horsies [4/28/03 2:59 PM] what's YOUR horse like? i know what santa does out of season [4/23/03 2:27 PM] he gives out the ad sheet seriously - this guy looked like a rather eccentric santa (or at least one who doesn't comb his hair when he has no place to be) and he was unbelievably friendly "hi ladies - how are you doing today?" to a guy on a bike: "want some air-mail?" and it worked i mean, usually i have no problems w/ avoiding them - i shake my head and look sullen just like everyone else. but this time i just felt so bad abt it - i had to take one. you can't be mean to santa you try it it doesn't work - even to avoid the ad sheet i have the wierdest dreams [4/16/03 9:02 AM] i was hiding in my room at home, trying to finish my paper (which was turning out to be, rather than just a freaky liberal position paper, more like a work of fiction) people kept coming into my room and asking me if i wanted to watch "the benders: the movie" only the benders weren't really benders, they were action figures for the little microsoft help people - they still looked like benders and all, but they lacked independence so finally mom gives up on asking and runs out to get it there was this random person wandering around my house, looking in cupboards (it might've been lydia's soul in another body - the person never actually talked) adam was sleeping on his head - this thing kinda like a dog, w/ his butt in the air... so mom comes in w/ the movie and goes off on him for needing to "come be social and watch the movie w/ us" (my mom would NEVER say watching a movie is social behavior) then, for some reason, she and the random person, who she obviously didn't know either, were chatting away about little children and how annoying they are and she informed the random person that she hates adam (which is also obviously not true) but anyhow, she does it in this whiny obnoxious sort of voice that i've never heard my mom use anyhow, to top it all off, i heard so distinctly the radio, on which some reporter was said, and i quote, "it's clear now that the administration is opperating under the assumption that whoever loses the war wins" what's really creepy abt this is that i woke up thinking that my paper was half done, but really crappy and i should fix it, and that bush was killing off our own troops now and worse yet, the really crappy paper, not the actions of bush, were what didn't make sense and therefore made me check my assumptions i don't think i've got any faith in the government oh, what's also wierd, is that there's a message in my inbox from my mom, and i keep expecting it to be one where she's yelling at me, since she was in such a bad mood in my dream pickles [4/15/03 1:08 PM] rather than studying for the test i'm going to bomb tonight, i'm thinking abt (you guessed it) pickles you see, last night i decided that it's become too hot to drink tea, so i made a bunch and poured it in my glass juice bottle and put the lid on and a little while later the safety button went back down now, this wasn't really an unexpected phenomenon i did pay enough attention in chemistry to know that molecules take up less space when they're cooler and i certainly learned the principles of vacuum in physics what distresses me, though, is the implications this has for what i eat i mean, think abt it if they seal bottles by heating them up and cooling them off, then that means that anything that comes out of a glass container has been cooked now, i know most things have, and the whole pasteurization thing and all that but what about pickles? not the cheap kinds that are all mushy and nasty but the expensive kinds - the ones that advertise "never cooked - always crisp" how do they get safety sealed? america strikes again [4/14/03 2:29 PM] capitalism sucks it really does i mean, it can certainly help people and make their lives better, but here's one of the disturbing things it's done lately moscow state university, aka mgu, was founded 300 years ago by a peasant who wanted education to be available to everyone, not just the rich this charming fellow managed to not only create his university, but also to have his dream fulfilled - in its three hundred years mgu has managed to become the finest russian university and to be internationally known for the quality of its language instruction, w/o ever having charged tuition as you know, however, russia's currently in dire straights the transition from communism to capitalism has turned doctors into street sweepers and professors into taxi drivers, fields where they are more likely to earn a living wage the wise leadership of russia has decided to use the most successful example of capitalism in action (us) as its model for reform beginning in the fall (i believe) mgu will start charging tuition - 2000$ in-state and as much as 6000$ out of state before you scoff and compare it to your outrageous tuition costs, remember that, for many families, 2000$ is completely out of reach (in 1999 minimum pension was $9.75 PER MONTH, for a family) the only people who will be going to mgu now are the children of the novui russkiye - ppl too dumb to have gotten into the university (they had an abittuer-type thing) and who managed to get entreprenuerial positions by contrast, the median income of families in Iowa City is 57,568$ dirty feet [4/13/03 12:18 PM] take a good look at your feet is there a muddy shadow along the strap of your flipflops? is there a line of dirt that refuses to be completely removed from under your toenails? are the callouses of your feet discolored to a shade darker than your skin tone? are there mildly annoying cuts or scrapes? or maybe you're one of THOSE as you look at your feet, you don't see any of the signs of summer, you see instead white, shriveled raisins, crying out to be slathered in mud and to feel the cool grass underneath them or worse yet, you can't see them at all b/c you encase them in tennis shoes even when you're wandering around comfortably at home if that's the case, then i ask you WHY why haven't you played frisbee barefoot yet? why do you punish your toes? why do you cling to socially imposed restrictions? why do you deny the advent of summer? that's right summer is here and summer is the time that you enjoy life and sunshine and fresh air and trees and frisbee earth is your mother, and you insult her by refusing her touch - the wind is her breath, the sunlight her love, and the grass administers her caress so take your shoes off and run naked in a field b/c right now you're hurting her feelings, goddamnit vegetarians [4/8/03 8:45 AM] i know, i know - i either don't bother updating or i overdue it, but right now i'm trying to mark things off my list of things to do, and this one belongs here, since it's rather important i think it's time that we stop picking on the vegetarians {cowers in terror of the loud boos coming from my almost universally meat-eating friends} i've been on your side, too and still am, to some extent any freak who refuses the diet of their family b/c they think puppies are cute and think that, somehow, not eating meat will save them needs to be smacked if we look at it from a perspective of world hunger, though, it really makes sense just as our penchant to drive cars everywhere is unsustainable, so are our eating habits in the US to throw some stats at you (sorry, it's a pain in the ass, i know, but they're really interesting stats) 1. 80% of the grain produced in the US is fed to livestock 2. 2/3 of US grain exports is fed to livestock in other countries 3. the amount of water used to produce ten pounds of steak equals the household consumption of a family for an entire year ready to stop taking showers? 4. when a steer is ready for slaughter it has consumed 2,700 pounds of grain that could've gone to feed hungry children, but weighs only 1,050 pounds, not all of which can be eaten in sum our meat-eating habits are just one more way that we demonstrate our utter disregard for the world now, this doesn't mean that i'm off to become a vegetarian right now i think chicken's probably pretty reasonable but additionally i'll behave according to the principles of cultural relativism i mean, at home mom mostly cooks meat b/c adam doesn't eat anything else - she's much more willing to cook meatless or mostly non-meat entrees when i'm there and i'm most certainly not going to try to go w/o meat in russia that'd make me a royal pain in the ass but so long as i'm cooking my own food, i think i'll stick to vegetables to borrow a phrase from prof midgett "i'll finish this rant now" people are really strange [4/7/03 3:42 PM] this subject keeps coming up not the "ppl are strange" subject, but the subject of houses and what they're supposed to be like inside everything seems to lead to it - lydia thinking i'm nuts for being afraid of her house b/c i don't know what furniture is supposed to be used and what is supposed to be looked at (and why, exactly, it is supposed to be looked at b/c i sure can't tell the difference in terms of attractiveness) my mom trying to tell me that my house, even when clean, doesn't qualify as elegant (in my definition elegant is simple and useful w/o being really damn ugly, and my house - the main room, at least, the bedrooms are a little wild - is definitely that) and finally, today, me being confused at what em was saying until i figured out that "living like a grad student" is somehow bad therefore i've decided to formulate rules for how my house will be, whenever i actually manage to get one 1. it will be clean, damn it no one will ever act like my little brother when he found out i cleaned the fridge this weekend - a combination of fascination and amazement, with just the right touch of delight, not to mention pure adam all the way while i certainly appreciated the fact that he noticed and enjoyed my hard work and effort, i'd rather it just stay clean 2. there will be no fragile furniture this may mean avoiding valuable antiques and certain sorts of attractive rugs, but really, there are perfectly delightful household items that manage to either wear well or maintain their attractiveness even when battered 3. all items will have a purpose this may seem self-explanatory, but some people, i've found, don't really understand the principle of reasonable consumption think king ludwig's "summer house" - that freaky castle that the germans actually find attractive. the exterior is great, i liked that, but the interior terrified me. granted, none of us can really afford to gild everything in our homes in gold, but let's put it this way - vases with dried flowers or other annoying unused things sitting on surfaces are bad. flat spaces are for putting books or papers or computers i would, of course, make exceptions for the occasional photograph or object with some personal attachment, but i can't imagine wasting money on something that i'm just going to break when i accidentally shove it off w/ a book 4. the towels will NOT match the decor of the guest room granted, i probably won't even have a guest room, but the point remains i have actually stayed in a home where that was the case it terrified me i mean, i guess there's really nothing wrong w/ having towels that don't clash with the wallpaper in your bathroom, but matching stuff is overrated. it doesn't have to clash, either, but you really shouldn't go out of your way to make it all look alike i'd much rather have a story behind each of my pieces of furniture (this is the futon i had as a grad student, this desk was made by my great grandfather, this couch was a wedding gift from my mom) than to have everything match (this bedroom set came from ethan allen and this dining room set came from that one place...) remind me to stay far, far away from roommates who idolize martha stewart oh, and lydia seems to think there's no content on my page granted, it was probably b/c i complained abt hers, but i think my complaint is justified she spends infinitely more time working on hers than i do on mine, and nothing about it ever changes i mean, she did change the format for the better, but there's not really any new words or even pics added then she went on to tell me that the "little" content that i have on this page sounds like the conversations that we have at 2am on the tramp in the summer what could possibly be better content? anyway, i'm really hyper right now i'm not sure if it's the tea or the peeps or the fact that i got 5 hrs of sleep last night, but i'm ready for spring so i can ride my bike and play frisbee and be done w/ class (only 36 days, including weekends, until i'm DONE) damn [4/2/03 2:57 PM] well, at least this time i got a courtesy rejection mom called me last night saying "dawn from breakthrough called about a job! leave her a message and she'll call you back" yeah anyhow, the message was simply that i hadn't gotten the job rejected again {digs out the classifieds and starts looking through the janitorial positions} there's gotta be SOMEone who wants to hire me sheesh almost a rant, but not quite [3/31/03 2:44 PM] i'm too lazy to actually write this up using any formal system, so i'm just gonna put it here i've been toying with this idea of what "nice" is for several days now. you see, whenever someone asks about a woman ("oh, you know her? what's she like?") the inevitable response is "oh, she's nice" or, if the speaker's in a good mood, "she's SOOOOO nice....." (the voice has to be really high-pitched, too). if you don't at least preface your opinion w/ the word nice (or a synonym) then you inadvertently make your listener believe there's something wrong w/ the woman in question you all know it's true - you've listened to women talk so what IS niceness? i've come to the conclusion that it's the ability to flawlessly abide by the rules of social interaction for women this means "ignore your own wishes, always say yes, have no strong opinions, etc" (and we wonder why interaction w/ one another inevitably degenerates into "what do you want to do? i don't know, what do you want to do?") for guys it's more laid back we really have very low standards for them, most of the time we express disapproval for their actions not by questioning what they've done, but instead by lamenting their social retardation. it's just like w/ the outward manifestations of courtesy - when a guy opens the door for you or pulls out your chair you're flabbergasted, flattered yes, but you'd never dream of calling him on it if he didn't. guys can get away w/ all sorts of things women can't simply b/c we don't expect them to understand the rules maybe i'm not being clear here's an example: if, right now, someone came banging on my door wanting me to play frisbee w/ them (this assumes, of course, that i had ppl who wanted to play frisbee w/ me) and i told them i didn't feel like it, that i'd rather continue working on my website for an indefinite pd of time, then they'd go away damning me for being a royal bitch if i were a guy, they'd walk away (possibly sulking if they didn't have someone else to play w/) but not damning me, just damning circumstance you know it's true why did we come up w/ these rules? once more today [3/24/03 8:34 PM] "What you are about to witness on this tour is the beginning of a turning point in the great Cosmic Contest, the struggle of Life against the ominous forces of Entropy. For at Space Environment Ecovillage, our goal is clear: we are developing the technical and social skills necessary to begin the colonization of the Universe." given that i've been reading lots of entertaining sci-fi/fantasy stuff, this may seem like a perfectly normal comment. sadly, though, this phrase is not out of a work of fiction. it's out of a speech to persuade potential investors to give over their hard-earned money to some well-meaning, but obviously tasteless individuals. they really do want to colonize the universe and save the planet, and they probably have some reasonably good plan, too. their rhetoric sucks, but it amuses me at least. now, you may be wondering how i managed to come up with such a website - was i searching for a particular work of fiction? or was i maybe trying to find more anti-war save-the-world propaganda? no i was trying to run a search on dmitri donskoy - a 14th century (we're getting on in time - on to the mongols at least) russian prince apparently there are many dmitri donskoys out there now...i wonder if they all try to trace their liniage back to the first one anyhow, that's about all for today if you're bored, ask abt why my russian class got cancelled today - it's rather amusing, though more so in person than online i've discovered an interesting phenomenon [3/24/03 12:56 PM] i've had nearly a hundred hits in the last week, despite the fact that (or maybe b/c) i haven't been online. what i don't understand, though, is that no one visits the subprofile pages. is the link not noticible? is it not interesting? it really would be nice if you'd all let me know, since i'd like to use your input. well, not really. but i'd like to know what makes some pages worth reading and not others. if i think of this as an extension of my profile, which it is, then it tells me about how few ppl actually read my profile, which makes me sad. i mean really, how hard is it to click on a link? do you not find my classmates interesting? maybe i'll just actually attempt to turn this into a blog. update it more often, talk more myself after all, i'll have to do that next year anyhow, since i don't plan to have net access at home. anyhow back from spring break, during which i sat around and read a couple of books, played some frisbee, dug my bike out of the garage all of which was very satisfying (books were klaatsand chronicles, ursula k. leguin, and absolutely amazing book which all of you should read - it's almost a collection of short stories, so it's easy to read, too, jasmine by someone who thinks america is all abt ditching ppl who depend on you, and the innkeeper's song by peter s. beagle, which is excellent but not really in the same category as his other works. a charming fantasy, but there were no epiphanies there.) frisbee - i've learned to throw forehand, though my throws are still a bit irregular, and i now can catch one handed, though also not particularly well. i'll just have to find someone to play w/ here oh, and i saw the hot russian guy today(kind of redundant there...oh well). he smiled at me =D fuck [3/04/03 10:09 AM] i got hamm's rec i'm putting the app in the mail today i'm on crack FUCK Mood: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK (they need one of these faces to have big eyes - a panic face...guess i'll just leave it at default) russia [2/24/03 4:03 PM] i've got it on good authority that i'm not gonna be rejected from studying abroad i mean i'm over-qualified (having taken 4 yrs of college russian and having a b average, when all you need is 3 yrs and a c average) and they don't like rejecting iowa students, according to my study abroad advisor and, according to a guy who's actually been in an actr program, they never reject anyone who meets the basic requirements b/c they want as many ppl as possible so why, then, am i concerned that i won't get to go? particularly since (if class today, in which i performed horribly, is any omen of what's to come) i'm totally screwed and i'd probably be miserable might it be b/c hamm went and MOVED TO NEW YORK w/o giving me my recommendation??? Mood:agitated |
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