| Dammit, I don't know what's wrong with me today. |
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| You ever get the impression that none of us ever writes when we have anything good to say? I just re-read the last five entries and realized that none of us have really talked about "happy things". I guess that's because when we're happy, we're too busy enjoying it to sit down and write about it. Make sense? So what you're getting is some of the story, but not by any means an accurate representation of life in this house. |
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| And at the same time I think fuckit... we seem to have more unhappy days than happy days anyway, so why not just let this damned journal unfold in whatever way it happens. Maybe when the day comes that there are more happy days than fucked-up ones, then this journal will read more like a life story and less like a suicide note. |
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| I really got up on the wrong side of the bed today. I overslept, which always makes me feel like my head is full of cotton and slightly hung over. I decided to treat the body to breakfast (it hasn't seen the likes of food before noon for awhile now), so my first task was to slice a bagel. Apparently I wasn't awake enough for that, because I sliced my thumb, too. OW! Pain is NOT a nice way to start the day. It makes me wonder what Mallory and some of the kids find so satisfying in cutting the body, because to me it just hurts and makes me want to throw something. My next step was making a cup of darjeeling tea, which went equally well. As soon as the hot water hit the tea bag,it burst open and scattered all kinds of floaty things around the cup. Argh! |
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| And there is no need to tell me that these things are petty, because I already freakin know. I would blame it on PMS, except that's not it, the timing is wrong. Why am I so moody today??? |
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| Maybe it's because finishing this letter to the family-of-origin has been nagging at the back of my mind. We started it as sort of a group effort a few days ago, and it's not done yet. It's a letter that explains to them why we've chosen not to have contact at this point. It also explains a lot of things that were never said but need to be, like the fact that we suffered several sexual assaults when we still lived with them (and never told). The letter also throws some family secrets out of the closet too, like the time that our father fired his shotgun at our mother/sister/us when we were barely old enough to go to elememtary school, and the time that our mother tried to leave him but couldn't. Still left unsaid are a lot of things about our father's neglect and verbal abuse, as well as the physical and emotional abuse from our mother. And also, we still need to write about what the terms of a relationship with them would be if they so choose (like not covering up the facts anymore and making amends for past wrongs). |
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| This shit is hard, man. We've never really stood up to them this way before. This is the first year that we haven't called or sent cards on their birthdays and mothers day and easter. Holidays always were sort of a big deal in our family, and not calling family members is cause for major "tsk-tsk" noises, guilt trips, and gossip (what a bad daughter, she didn't even call.... I have heard them say these things about other family members who have stopped contact for very similar reasons). Lysergia told our mother on the phone last week that she did not want to talk and she would send a letter to explain why (which is what prompted this entry and her subsequent tumble into suicidal ideation). So the letter really does need to be finished, so that I can mail the fucker before somebody decides not to, or before our mother gets impatient and calls again. I have a feeling that after she gets the letter, she might not want to call anymore anyway. Fuckit. |
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| This is cool - I just realized that by writing here, I found the answer to the "what's wrong with me" question. I didn't know until I started writing that this was what was bugging me. Hmm, maybe there is something to this journalling after all (besides the obvious self-obsessed compulsiveness of it, that is!). |
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| Another thing I realized upon reading the last entries is that we don't talk much about our daily life. I think that's because mentally, Lysergia and I both have our heads in the clouds right now and don't pay much attention to daily living. All the little tasks it takes to make up a day are scattered between so many of us lately, that it's hard to keep track of what we've actually been "doing". I've been trying to get some work done on Lysergix Productions (trying being the operative word). Last night Anarchia took me out on a lovely date to the Diamond restaurant/caf�/bar (the smoked chicken and spinach salad was yummy), and we played some pool at Breakers afterwards. I always have such a good time with her, and I think I would die from lack of conversation without her. Wednesday, my friend from hellifax.com (i have to give him a cybername one of these days) took R and I out to a new entertainment center... lots of cool old-skool arcade games, pool tables, splatshot (yikes!), and the like. It was very cool to be someplace different. I think I'll take the kidlet there on the weekend... she'll have a blast! |
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| I've dressed myself up in my favorite gothwear (a black cobwebby fishnet dress) in honor of Friday, hoping it will put me in a "TGIF" kinda mood before R gets home. I hate it when I have nothing but a frown to greet him with, so I've got Trent Reznor on the stereo and lots of sugar in my kool-aid - think it'll work? I'll probably just look homicidal instead of suicidal by the time he gets here *snicker*. |
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| Ta for now! - Nikki |
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