| It's been a rough weekend. |
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| Depression, after ringing the doorbell for months and not getting an answer, has broken the windows and moved in. It's not a very polite houseguest, either. It won't leave unless you bribe it with expensive drugs. And it steals your stuff too, like your self-worth, your ability to communicate, your energy, and (if you let it stay long enough) your will to live. |
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| I'm so angry that I couldn't fight this. I feel like an idiot, bursting in here like gangbusters proclaiming that I was going to take over because I could handle it better than Lysergia could. Well screw me sober, I guess I can't. I haven't been able to maintain a conversation with on- or off-line friends, because I know I'll just cry and not pay attention to what they're saying and if they say nice things I'll just cry harder. Phooey on me. |
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| I'm trying really hard to remember this is a disease like any other. That I can't help it, that we can't help it, any more than we could help having hyperthyroidism or myopia. It's a physical manifestation that's beyond the power of "will", in the sense that we can't "will" it away. I'm also trying really hard to remember that all the things I can't stop thinking about are being distorted and amplified by the depletion of serotonin in the synapses of this brain. That things hurt a LOT because there is no buffer of reason or positivity left between the action and the impact. (Can you tell that Dana is here with me today? *snort*). And that now that small-d-depression has become big-D-Depression, the only thing that's gonna help are those lovely little pills that give us nightmares and hot flashes and nausea and even more memory loss. Oh joy. But I guess it's better than the alternative, which is hiding in bed wishing the world away and thinking up ways to die and get away with it. |
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| Had it out a bit with R and also the kidlet's father this weekend too. I hate that when the depression comes, all our energy has to go into telling people to back off on the demands and try to fucking be a litte nicer than usual. When you're depressed, the hardest thing in the world is standing up for yourself (because your brain is full of you're-so-worthless-good-for-nothing-don't-deserve-anything-but-punishment). And it never fails that one of us gets put in the position to have to hit people over the head and say "excuse me!!!" just to remind people that we're not thinking very rationally and might not be able to carry on like a normal human being every day. It's annoying, because if we had cancer or arthritis or anything else, nobody would assume we were able to be as productive or social as usual. Fuck. People don't want to understand shit, they just want you to keep your dirty laundry out of their nice clean houses. |
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| My my, wasn't that bitchy? And I'm not even sorry. Phooey on the world. |
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| To make a long story short, I called the doc and made an appointment (the earliest is in a week, ugh) to see if he can give us some meds for free, at least enough to carry us until we can pay. I hope I hope I hope he does. I'm going to assume that he will, so that I can just get us to hang on for seven days without doing anything stupid. I'm gonna try to get some work done and if I'm still wiping my freakin eyes every twenty minutes I'm going to give up and go lay in the sun. This sucks royal deeeeeck, as our male friends would say. |
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| -Nikki |
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Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.
(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.
- This Woman's Work ,Kate Bush
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