Shoes On The Cat
Info, links, and laughs for the happily* childfree!
*That's redundant, right?
Phoena at Happilychildfree.com has posted these intrusive but common questions along with some witty rejoinders. Use them as you see fit.
When are you going to have kids?
--When I run out of better things to do.
--When are you going to stop being so nosy?
--Oh I'm too busy practicing. Maybe when I perfect my technique.
--When are you going to lose weight?
--When they come potty trained.
Why don't you have kids?
--I haven't run out of better things to do yet.
--Why aren't you in law school? Oh, you don't want to be a lawyer? Well, I don't want to be a parent.
--Because I'm still perfecting my technique.
It's different when they're your own!
--Yea, you can't give them back!
My/Your child might grow up to cure cancer!
--It's more likely it would end up in jail!
--Why don't you cure cancer instead of living vicariously through your own kid?
You were a kid once, too!
--So what's your point? (Keep repeating this no matter what excuse they make until they realize they have no point)
--And I grew out of that stage, too.
Who will take care of you when you are old?
--My pension plan that I've been investing in since I was 21.
--The same people who will take care of you -- nursing home attendants.
--Who says I plan to be old?
Why'd you get married if you didn't want kids?
--For the same reason people get divorced -- because they can!
--Because I love my spouse and see him/her as more than a reproductive organ.
Some day you'll grow up and change your mind.
--No, I'm perfectly happy with the one I have now.
--Yeah, that'll happen about the same time you grow up and change your mind, too!
--Sorry, I don't plan on growing up!
It's all worth it!
--Good! Then I'll never have to listen to you complain about your kids or parenting responsibilities again!
You sound like a sad and bitter person!
--Hey, you're the one criticizing other people's life choices!
--I'll take sad and bitter if it means sleeping in on the weekends and having some peace and quiet at home! Sign me up!
--So what's your point?
--If you were so happy with your choices, you wouldn't be trying to make me feel bad by telling me I'm sad and bitter.
--If I am, at least I'm not passing my anger and bitterness on to the next generation like you are!
If everyone thought the way you did, the population would die out?
--Do you have any idea how many people there are on the planet right now?
--You do realize that after you die, it doesn't really matter, so if there are no people left, it really doesn't affect you, right?
If your mom felt like you do, you wouldn't be here!
--No, but then you'd be arguing with her instead.
--Right now I'm kinda wishing YOUR mom had felt like I do.
It's the most important job in the world!
--Then why aren't you out doing it?
--What about the guy who makes your disposable diapers and gigantic strollers -- you couldn't survive a day without him!
My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.
--Wow, that's a sad commentary on your life.
--Gee, it's too bad you wasted all those years of your life being a child yourself since those years were just a waste of time until you got to your REAL purpose in life.
You're being selfish!
--Oh, because creating a human being to amuse yourself ISN'T selfish.
--Jealous?
--How is not creating a child who won't be neglected selfish?
--I don't know, you're the one neglecting your kids while you waste time arguing with me. Some might argue that any time away from your kids is "selfish".
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-Rita Rudner