Joined by the Gods: A Book of Pagan Marriage
This is a book I am writing on weddings and everything that composes this wonderful time in our lives. If you have any questions, or have something to add, please feel free to email me.
BEFORE THE CEREMONY
Some things to ponder.
Will this be a closed ceremony, a Pagan event, or mixed? How big or small is the guest list, and what kind of ritual space is needed? Who else is involved in the ceremony? How intricate will this ceremony be? Will you need special tools or props?
When the partners have chosen their scripts, the officiate needs to examine the props, features, and needs of the particular ceremony. One or two days before the ceremony, rehearse the ceremony and all the pertinent elements with all parties involved, reading through the script aloud and practising any motions so that changes or explanations can be made. The rehearsal will also show what may be missing or forgotten. Make a list of tools and props you're going to need in advance, and be sure to have them packed and ready early. The partners may wish to use their own ritual items or that of their Circle, your items, or a combination. I would advise keeping a "Handfasting set" of standard altar items just for this purpose.
I was amused to find myself packing a "ritual emergency kit" one day, a small wooden box of ritual gear for the car. It has everything I need -- an altar cloth, a bowl for water, a wooden bowl and a baggie of soil, salt, a candle and holder, incense and its holder, and the Ritual "Bic" lighter.
Once a list of necessary ceremonial items has been established, think also of the working area. An outdoor ceremony might require an enclosed container to protect candleflame from the wind; certain indoor facilities may not allow open flame at all. Herbal representations of the Elements, in small bowls or in cloth sachets of coordinating colour, are effective for the altar, and I would suggest consulting Scott Cunningham's Magical Aromatherapy or Magical Herbalism for suggestions of elemental herbs.
Here is a selection of alternative items to represent the four Elements either on the altar or at the Quarters around the Circle:
Air: Incense, feathers, a bell, windchimes, a flute, a yellow stone (citrine, apatite, amber) or cloth banner, an oriental fan, balloons, bubbles, birds, bees or dragonflies, athame or other blade.
Fire: Candles, a red stone (ruby, garnet, jasper) or cloth banner, a dragon or phoenix statue.
Water: A clear or white stone (quartz, moonstone, pearl) or blue stone (lapis, beryl, sodalite, blue lace agate), a chalice or bowl, a blue cloth banner, rainstick, fish, seashells.
Earth: A bowl of dirt, stones, bread or grain, fruit, a green stone (malachite, aventurine, jade, tourmaline, peridot, moss agate) or cloth banner, flowers or flower petals, a stag or bear statue, seeds and nuts, honeycomb, wood, eggs, salt.
Your standard Handfasting kit might contain a stable altar of appropriate working size, altar cloth, candles and sturdy holders, matches or a lighter, incense in a variety of scent and a holder, an extra handfasting cord, cups or bowls, ritual items (athame, wand, staff, sword), a container of earth, and a variety of stones. I use a portable and collapsable music stand to hold my scripts which are taped into a large, blank, hard-cover journal. Some useful non-altar items would include a pen, paper, scissors, a sage smudge or rattle for clearing the space. Small, portable tables can be purchased nearly anywhere, but be sure it will be sturdy enough for use.
I have performed many handfastings as officiating High Priestess, a secondary Priestess, Notary Public, and general clergy. Some of these ceremonies included the erecting of a Full Circle. Depending on your preference (and if you or the partners are involved with a Circle), casting a Full Circle is certainly an option; others may see it as a Catholic sort of wedding ("God, God, God, God, oh yeah, here, yer married, God, God, God..."). If it is chosen to erect a full Temple, be aware of the needs and education of the guests, some of whom may not be Pagan or Pagan savvy. (See the chapter on incorporating non-Pagans into the handfasting). A simple invocation of the Gods or recognition of the Elements is all that may be needed. Some partners prefer that a "stealth Circle" be raised, so as not to make their guests uncomfortable, and that can be accomplished simply with a moment of silence, or you can raise Temple in silence by walking the circle.
There are a few basic steps in creating sacred space, and one is to clear the area of previous energy (this need not apply if a regular ritual area is being used). Many methods can be utilized singly or in combination: sprinkling the area with salted water, sweeping away unwanted influences with a ritual broom, walking the Circle clockwise (deosil) with all four elements, smudging the area with sage or cedar, or using a tool such as an Australian bullroarer or shaking a rattle to disperse negative or disrutpive energy.
Is it best to clear the space before anyone else arrives, after everyone is there, or somewhere inbetween? There is no set rule, so do what you feel needs to be done in each instance.
Make sure also that the area is clear of unnecessary items or debris for reasons of safety and focus.
The first thing to remember is that many about-to-be-joined couples are overwhelmed with details by the actual time of the wedding. Ceremonies which lead the couple in repeating lines quietly spoken by the officiate are much safer than those in which the couple memorize vows and small speeches (although a cheat-sheet is not forbidden). Leading the partners through their lines and motions in a quiet voice is the most effective assistance. You should never let the partners write and memorize their own vows without giving you a copy. Some very amusing (and embarassing to the partners in question) stories have resulted from people who wrote and memorized their own vows but whose minds went blank during the ceremony itself. If nothing else, if you have a copy of the vows, you can quietly and gently prompt them when they get that deer-in-the-headlights look on their faces. I would also recommend that the partners avoid taking an active role in casting a full Circle - their energies are focused elsewhere.
Writing or choosing vows is an important part of wedding planning. These vows are serious; they are made before our community and extended family, and in the presence of the Elements of Life and the Gods Themselves. You might consider providing the partners with guidelines and suggestions for vow selection.
I have yet to see a wedding go off without some little hitch, and I have never attended or performed one that did not have some round of joyous laughter in it. At one wedding site, lavishly decorated with helium baloons, the bride began giggling when she could not untie the knot of a balloon string, which held the wedding ring, until the groom whipped out his leatherman from inside his tux and cut it free. In rehearsal of a wedding I performed for some friends, the groom misspoke the word "best" as "breast" and while he did get it correct in the actual ceremony, there was a moment of amused glances and held-back snickering. Robert Fulgum, in his book and audio tape True Love cites some wonderful examples of wedding whimsy. Verbal slips on vows, spilling a shared drink, candles not lighting or not staying lit, animal intrusions.... all manner of "interesting" moments can get the laughter going. Marriage, though a solemn commitment, need not be solemn in ceremony, and these little incidents will likely be some of the most memorable. They call them the Laughing Gods for a reason, and laughter is indeed a sacred thing.
If rice is planned to be thrown as the newlyweds leave the site, reconsider and cousel otherwise. Birds, who will invariably try to eat the rice, cannot digest it which makes them ill or can cause death. Confetti made of biodegradable paper, birdseed, and flower petals are all good alternatives which won't harm our Earth or any of Her inhabitants. Seeds, too, are representative of hopes and dreams for the future, the seeds of life and change and prosperity. A friend found that small mesh bags of birdseed would fit into the barrel of a paintball gun and that, upon firing up into the air, the bags shredded as they left the barrel. The couple were not so much saluted as barraged. Though potentially amusing, this method is not recommended. And be sure any paper used for confetti is colour-fast - a bride could not understand why she was getting stares and gentle laughter until, upon consulting a mirror, she found her bosom and face had become brightly polka-dotted with multiple colours due to a bit of moisture and coloured confetti.
As mentioned earlier, the tying of a knot to symbolize union is ages old, but there are several different ways to represent such joining.
Knots have been used for varying purposes throughout the past few thousand years, from a type of language or code to games and challenges, forms of security, and of course knot magick. In fashioning a knot, you are binding a thought, emotion, or direction. Braiding or knotting in a few strands of hair makes the magick even more personal.
If you are literally tying the knot, a handfasting cord is what is needed. Handfasting cords can be as simple or ornate as is wished. Red and pink, the colours of love and passion, are commonly used, though certainly one can use colours which coordinate with the bridal theme. Also, a cord can be created by combing threads and strings from different magickal wokings throughout the time before the handfasting. At the local sewing shop, there can be found a variety of cotton or satin cord, along with bits to dangle or decorate the ends. If the thinner rat-tail or tiger-tail satin cord is chosen, consider braiding it, for braiding is very effective knot magick and quite appropriate for handfastings. The three strands represent the two separate lives of the partners, and the new life they are to weave together. You may wish to divide the three strands among the couple (one each) and the HP/S for keeping in a sacred spot to charge until the braiding is to be done. The braiding may be done by the couple, the priest/ess, Circle members or friends and family all adding a few twists. During the braiding, visualize the wishes and hopes for the union and imbue the cord with them. Charms and ornaments can also be strung on the cord or braided into it, but remember that the cord has to be tied around flesh, so use care in choosing the decorations, perhaps only attaching them to the ends.
Another hand-binding method calls for tying a shorter cord or ribbon around their joined wrists for each vow or promise spoken, completing the knot with, "And so the bond is made" or something similar.
Water The joining of water is a lovely way to visually symbolize a union. Water is the element of emotion, and is magically perfect in that once two or more bodies of water join, they mix completely; it is impossible to distinguish one from another. Although maintaining individuality in any relationship is as important as the union itself, emotional blending and harmony smooth all troubled seas.
The partners might wish to purchase a special vessel in which the joining of waters would take place. Perhaps a hand-thrown piece of pottery, a crystal chalice, a silver basin, or wooden bowl would appeal. Whatever the choice, it is important that the partners agree fully.
What kind of water would one use? Holy water, rain water, water from a special spring or well, waters collected from sacred places - even plain old tap water with a pinch of salt is fine. Salt is considered to be pure, thus purifying what it touches. The holy water used in the Catholic church is salted water which has been blessed. The partners could also use the waters from the area where they first met, or where a significant event in their relationship occurred.
Water is a truly magickal element in and of itself. Water pervades everything on earth, cycles through to fall again somewhere else. Thus is all water connected, and a gift of water is holy indeed. The waters in our own body are equally sacred, and leaving the earth a gift of your own "water" is a blessing. The water in which you bathe carries with it the energies of the ages, of everything and everyone who has yet been present on our fair planet.
Using two colours of water (with food colouring) to create a blended third creates a lovely visual effect for party and guests alike. For example, mix blue from the bride and red from the groom to make purple, or yellow and blue for green. You will want to experiment with exact amounts before the actual ceremony, just in case the lovely purple that had intended actually turns out to be a gross brown. Green and yellow mixed do not create any appreciable difference in shade, and any mix of three or four colours creates brown or black.
These results came of using one drop of food colouring per half cup of water for each individual vessel:
red + blue = royal purple
yellow + blue = vivid green
green + blue = rich emerald
yellow + red = bright orange
green + red = deep olive with a touch of brown
You can also create a dramatic effect by placing a few drops of colouring into the receiving vessel ahead of time and letting them dry -- when the clear water from the two chalices join in the cup, the dye will be released as if by magic.
The water may be given back to the Earth once the ceremony is complete, or the pabtners may wish to keep some or all of the water. Some people give out the water in tiny vials to each guest, so that the love and happiness contained therein may be taken home. If it is choosen to share the waters, be prepared with extra containers.
Fire
Fire is another beautiful method to express unity. Like water, flame joining flame creates one Flame, completely unified. Create or purchase a special candle to use during the ceremony, and afterwards the partners can burn it once a year on the date of their handfasting anniversary.
A Unity candle is one that represents the joining of the partners and their lives. It is lit from separate flames, such as the altar candles, symbolizing the partners' individual lives merging into one. Rather than the altar candles, special candles in differing shapes or colours may be used to represent the partners. The partners could also use a simple lighting taper instead of tipping the larger candles to light the Unity candle, in which case I would suggest using small birthday-cake candles. For more suggestions on candles, see Decorations, Motifs and Themes.
Blood
The mingling of blood is an ancient manner of sealing a pact or a union. These days, few people, Pagan or otherwise, practise such a method of binding. But if the partners desire to share their blood in a symbolic tie to one another, be sure it is done sensibly - sterilized lancets are available from drug stores or any store which carries diabetic supplies. These tiny pins may be spring loaded, or may require pressure to enter the skin. Choose a spot on a finger or wrist to make the cut; lancets make just a pinhole, and enough blood for this rite will emerge. The blood may be joined by placing a drop from each person in wine or water, or by pressing the wounds together. Be sure that everyone is prepared for the slight pain of the cut, and that no one (partner or guest) is negatively affected by the sight of blood. If this method of binding is included in the ceremony, it is best to notify the non-Pagan attendants beforehand. In the interest of health and liability, keep alcohol swabs and small bandages ready to lessen the risk of infection.
For the ceremony, the couple may wish to proceed to the altar together, as they are already joined in the bond of marriage. It is a celebration of years together but not a re-enactment of their original handfasting which may seem false. They are no longer "new" to one another. They have had experiences and trials which have changed them. Their love has grown, and their personalities have grown to encompass that love. The vows they choose might reflect their growth of years, and their long commitment.
There may not be a need for as much pomp and circumstance as their original wedding, but more of a respectful celebration of their union. A sharing of anecdotes would be a joyous and lively addition to the vows. I promise to love you throughout our time together, even if you never can get your socks off the floor. And I cherish you, no matter how many times you experiment with the meatloaf.
Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgendered Handfastings
Ours is an ever-changing world of growing awareness and acceptance of alternative lifestyles. "Domestic Partners" or "Civil Union" are the current labels for anything beyond the traditional "husband-and-wife" team. Some people are drawn to Paganism because of Goddess worship, or the freedom and acceptance of their personal sexual preferences. Few religions condone, much less embrace, alternative sexuality and lifestyles as Paganism generally does. Many non-traditional partners may not be aware of the potential to have a wedding ceremony, and certainly their union should be celebrated. Indeed, a marriage of any kind should be a joyous celebration of a healthy partnership and love.
The first handfasting I ever performed was for my coven-brother and his beloved husband. I went wild, decorating my living room where the ceremony was to be held, buying all kinds of delicacies and interesting foods, and creating or purchasing gifts. When "non-traditional" marriage is legalized, I am going to be a busy priestess!
This touches a special spot in my own life... my son. When I marry again, I want to include him in the ceremony, for it is a family, not just a couple, being joined. It is a whole new world when you are joining with children. They are a large part of the handfasting, probably a greater part, as their young lives will be affected to a vast degree by the people entering into the bonds of matrimony. Vows are made not only to the partner, but to the child and the family as a whole.
Including children in the ceremony can be done in many ways -- one or both partners speak a vow to the child, the child speaking a vow (if old enough), the giving of a symbol of union, the giving of a new family name. If the child is not willing or able to take an active role, they can be present physically in the Circle, or symbolically on the altar in the form of pictures or small candles or a special item. They can also contribute writings for the Priest/ess to read during the ceremony.
Coming from different families, and thus separate surnames, the new family might decide to choose a new surname. A surname of one partner may be chosen to be used for all, they many combine names, use a Craft or Circle surname or family name, or choose a completely new surname. Legally changing a name does require paperwork at the appropriate court and will take time to process; laws concerning the name change of a minor child in joint custody differ from state to state and should be investigated long before the ceremony.
At times, three or more people will want to join in the bonds of handfasting as a family. While this is not allowed legally, it is certainly within the bounds of traditional handfasting. The challenge comes in setting up vows, affording all those rings, and just how do we tie all these hands together anyway? The ceremonies in this book can be used for groups as easily as for couples by addressing the group as a whole, having them all join their left hands together while vows are spoken, or the vows can be spoken in unison.
I once came across a word in a novel of fiction which meant someone who was not "with" anyone else, being that she or he was happy by him or her self. In this age of computer dating and busy lives, some people are indeed happier without partners or committed relationships, and a marriage or promise ceremony to one's self is not unusual. Sark, a popular women's writer and strong-in-herself woman, has suggested a self-marriage in one of her books. Certainly it can be fun and healthy to commit to being good to yourself and looking out for yourself.
A marriage with Deity is certainly not unknown, and can be a beautiful expression of honouring Divinity. Nuns devote themselves fully to Jesus, becoming "brides of Christ" and wearing a wedding band. I had done research and put much meditation time into considering a spiritual marriage with the God (in the form of Herne/the Green Man).
Would Handfasting to Deity preclude a more earthly marriage to another human? That would depend on the reasons and stipulations of those involved. It may remain strictly spiritual, or the Godforce may choose to manifest in the form of a new human lover.
A friend recently handfast himself to the Goddess Aphrodite, a goddess of love and sexuality - I have to wonder, tongue in cheek, what their wedding night was like.