Food!

Ingredients:

6 red onions
2 white onions
7 spring onions
18 shallots
1 jar of onion chutney
3 pickled onions (previously electrocuted)
1 tube of onion puree
1 50ml bottle Absolut Mandarin Vodka
1 50ml bottle Icky Icelandic Vodka
1 50ml bottle Export Strength Smirnoff Vodka
1 50 litre bottle grain alcohol (Methylated spirits will do)
Crumble

Instructions:

Finely dice the Absolute and Icky Vodka's and leave to marinade in the onion chutney.

Bake the spring onions and shallots for 20 minutes in a traditional medieval hearth.

Liquify the red and white onions and then resolidify to form pink onion mash.

Chop the baked onions and sprinkle over the pink mash until maximum sprinklage has been achieved. Use a food processor to mix the pickled onions and Smirnoff and add onion puree as desired.

Combine the pickled onion mixture with the marinated vodkas and fry using the heat generated by an extremely angry Alsatian.

Combine all ingredients in a large baking dish and cover with crumble to a depth of 10cm.

Preheat the oven to 300 degree C, insert baking dish and allow mixture to cook for as long as you feel like (it's not going to make it taste any nicer).

Serve with a pint of grain alcohol being certain not to allow the crumble to be consumed before all recipients are comfortably horizontal.

With any luck, nobody will notice what they are eating and the ambulances will arrive before anyone is too badly injured. Alternatively, use the finished dish as a convincing substitute for imitation vomit (or mortar).