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| Author | Topic: LMB--"5 Years Later" |
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LARDLAD Member |
posted April 08, 2000 03:25 AM
  
*****Excerpt from Lardlad's Diary***** April 8, 3007 Wow! It's been five years since I quit the LMB in the aftermath of "The Mundane Wars"! It only seems like yesterday. Who can forget the tragic death of one of our members near the climax? In any case that event was the beginning of the end of the LMB. I watched from my self-induced retirement as members left one by one as such events as "White Twilight" continued the downhill spiral 'til the LMB was formally disbanded about 2 and a half years ago. Five years I've lived on my little planetoid GusCrek with my wife Girl Girl and our twin boys. But something is stirring inside me as I see how the universe has gone sour. The LMB used to be the bright spot in the galaxy. In our absence petty bickering, mindless insults, and meanness have reigned supreme with no light to part the clouds. The time is nigh to resurrect the LMB. We need to be a shining light in the darkness. Moreso, I sense a malignant presence behind this darkness that must be exposed and vanquished! I've already told Helen what I intend to do, and she is behind me all the way. I'm ready to act. And I know just which one of my old LMB buds to contact first. Diary, this will be my last entry for the foreseeable future. I hope to once again help the galaxy soar to the words that used to inspire such hope: SWEET ASS SWEET!!!!! *****End of Diary Excerpt***** Lardlad suits up in his now way-too-small costume and prepares to 'port across the galaxy. He kisses his wife Helen and his twin boys goodbye, then accesses the Lardforce. In a squishy burst he appears in the home of his old LMB teammate... IP: Logged |
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Cobalt Kid Member |
posted April 08, 2000 01:50 PM
...Lash Lad. Lash, now the owner of a major company, "Bondage and Comics", quit the LMB to pursue business ventures, when he realized that he could do more good for the message boards this way. LardLad knocks on the door of his old pal, knowing that neither will be able to contain the emotions of seeing an old friend. After a brief reintroduction, the two sit down to discuss the fate of the universe... IP: Logged |
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SharkLad Member |
posted April 08, 2000 05:10 PM
Meanwhile, across the galaxy, SharkLad walks amongst the statues of fallen LMB members in the charred remains of LMB headquarters, a conspicuous smirk on his face. In the days following "White Twilight," LashLad had sought out the rebellious young hero to try to increase the LMB's dwindling ranks. "You'll bring us some needed 'bite,'" Lash had commented jokingly. Little did Lash realize how right he had been. As he walks through the Hall of Heroes, SharkLad recalls those early days, his struggles to see eye to eye with his teammates, and the day that everything went wrong. He stops in front of the last statue. "It's a shame I had to kill this one," he says. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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LARDLAD Member |
posted April 09, 2000 01:53 AM
<back to Lash and Lard> "...yeah, I can't believe Sharklad ate him," Lash said, "I know he was out of control, but Sharklad still should NOT have eaten Lumber Fox! There is a cure for rabbies in the 30th Century, you know!" "God, I miss old Lumber Fox! I remember when I thought he ate my arm!" The two laugh, but the tears follow. After a while, Lard said, "look, Lash, we agree that the LMB MUST be re-formed, so let's do it! We'll have to find the surviving members one-by-one! First, we need Shady, the other founder. Where is she?" Lash gets a faraway look and replies, "These days Shady hangs out... IP: Logged |
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LoserLad Member |
posted April 09, 2000 02:20 AM
...at the bar she opened up shortly before the LMB split up, the 'Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge'." The two agree the must go there and find her. "With the founders back together," Lard Lad says, the others will surely come back into the fold." He grabs Lash Lad by the arm, focuses, channeling the Lardforce, and 'ports the two out of the room. They arrive in downtown Metropolis, near the Shadowplay in Candlelight Lounge. They are shocked when they see the appearance of the bar. What was once a respectable wateringhole, frequented by the LMB, and the local social elite, was now a rough and tumble roadhouse in the middle of Metropolis' new red light district. Before either of the two could even begin to wonder what had happened to their favorite old hangout, they are approached by... IP: Logged |
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LARDLAD Member |
posted April 09, 2000 03:01 AM
...the prostitute formerly known as Hummer Lass, now an employee of the "Shady" establishment and still quite a hottie. Lardlad feels a stirring in his pants from the memories of past encounters with her. "Hey, Lardy-baby, been a long time! Lashy-poo, B.J. Boy's in the back if you're lookin' for him. Now, Lardy-baby, you need the kind of lovin' only I can give ya, sweety? Baby, when you say you're just big-boned, I know better than anybody!" "um, Hummer Lass...I'm married now..." said Lard blushing. "I won't tell if you won't, Lardy-baby!" "um, maybe some other time, Hummer Lass...listen, we heard that Shady owns this place. We're looking for her. Where is she?" "Shady? She's upstairs in room Z-28. I'm in room H-7 if you change your mind, baby. I miss you!" Lard forces himself to move away from her. Then he and Lash head upstairs. The door to Z-28 is ajar. They open the door fully to find... IP: Logged |
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LoserLad Member |
posted April 09, 2000 03:16 AM
...a room wallpapered with pictures and memorobilia of the old LMB. A LMB flag hangs on one wall, along with the various medals and awards for bravery and valor that Shady wonduring her tenure with the LMB. In the corner, a high backed leather chair face the wall. As Lard Lad and Lash Lad enter the room, the chair slowly begins to swivel towards them to reveal Shady, holding a ray gun. "I'd heard you two were thinking of reviving the LMB" she says a she stands. "Sorry boys, but I can't let you do that." She levels the blaster at Lard Lad's head and... IP: Logged |
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SharkLad Member |
posted April 09, 2000 09:02 AM
Meanwhile, in the remains of LMB headquarters, SharkLad busies himself at the barely-functional LMB mainframe. Personnel file after personnel file flashes before his eyes until finally he finds the one he needs. He gazes upon a holo of the LMB's most beautiful female member. Their affair had been brief, but productive if the rumors were true. But who was she loyal to now? He downloads the information he needs and is prepared to leave when his stomach begins to growl. He accesses LardLad's directory of all Dunkin' Donuts in the Tri-Planet area and sees one is fairly close-by in downtown Metropolis's new redlight district next to an old LMB hangout. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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bellbookcandle Member |
posted April 09, 2000 11:39 AM
Shady fired a zap just above Lard's head. "That's got the mosquito. Damn things." LardLad gulped and tried to stop his hands shaking. Shady said: "Yes, I can't let you revive the LMB...without me, my friends! I'm bored of running the Shady Lounge so I'll leave Hummer Lass in charge and help you." They decided to track down more of their former comrades until Shady suprised them by suggesting...Lumber Fox. "SharkLad ate his body but I managed to save his head and transplant it on to a robot body. He's called Lumborg Fox now, and he works in a garage down the road." IP: Logged |
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Cobalt Kid Member |
posted April 09, 2000 02:00 PM
As the three founders made their way to the garage to find their Lumborgish friend, they began discussing some of the events that led the to the downfall of the LMB. "White Twilight, lowering the age limit for dating, and the Anti-Moderator..." says Lash Lad in a depressed tone. Shady uses her morale boosting, as L.L. and Lash realize how much they missed her. Meanwhile, Shark Lad goes through some of the holos, trying to figure out where some of the old LMB members are. He finds out that Cobalt Kid is now a monk, and lives far away on the planet Gggrrgg, where he buries the fallen inhabitants, who died in the final battle with the Black Pentagon. Cobalt is now a spiritual being, abstanint of all bad thoughts, and waits for the return of Engine Joe Boy. Tsarin Kid, now a depressed, slightly insane scienctist is constantly looking for a cure to Loser Lad's fatal case of Cargitte Crabs. Bellbookcandle Kid, is now Bell Boy, with two of his bodies dying in a fatal battle with Salad-Tosser Lord. Shark Lad smiles, noting that these heroes couldn't ever possibly unite... IP: Logged |
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HardshellTheTurtleBoy Member |
posted April 09, 2000 04:08 PM
...not without a good reason, or at least a good party. Suddenly SharkBoy haers a voice behind him. "Stop right there, fish lips, You've done enough harm." Sharky turns to find Hardshell the Turtle Boy standing behind him, holding... IP: Logged |
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SharkLad Member |
posted April 09, 2000 05:39 PM
a rhinestone purse that matched the perfectly tacky evening dress he was wearing. In the years since the end of the LMB, Hardshell had taken to be called "the Turtle Girl" on more than one occasion. Rumor had it he spent quite a bit of time at Shady's Candlelight lounge working the bar. "This will stop you," Hardshell says, reaching into his purse. He pulls out a hairdryer. "I'll dry you to death, Tuna Boy," Hardshell shouts. "Not with that pair of pantyhose stuck in the end of the hairdryer," SharkLad replies, "I've got what I need anyway, Softshell." Hardshell lunges for SharkLad but trips in his stiletto heals. Still hungry, SharkLad heads for the downtown Metropolis Dunkin' Donuts. He enjoys the last of a chocolate cruller as he comes face to face with ... IP: Logged |
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MLLASH Member |
posted April 09, 2000 11:10 PM
...the 3 LMB founders. "Shark Lad you WILL rejoin us and you WILL refrain from devouring any more of our ranks. The holos you have compiled will be helpful. I see that Newcru King and Beagle Boy went on to open an interplanetary bed and breakfast and Loser Lad went into AA." Hardshell finally catches up to his erstwhile partners, stilleto heels firmly in hand. The 5 of us stand united," Shady states, "And when we retrieve Lumborg Fox ---and stay AWAY from him Shark Boy---the game will TRULY commence!" IP: Logged |
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LARDLAD Member |
posted April 10, 2000 02:12 AM
Having picked up Lumborg Fox, all of the gathered former members of the LMB take off in an old LMB cruiser heading for Gggrrgg, present home of Cobalt Kid. Lardlad and Shady are talking in the cockpit: "So Shady," Lard asked, "how've you been?" "Oh, it's been an interesting few years running a bordello. It serves all sentients, so it kinda fulfilled my ongoing desire to make people happy." "Yeah, it really seemed quite respectable for that kind of place..." "Yes, I gave villains like Hummer Lass and B.J. Boy a purpose in life. But, it wasn't the LMB..." "By the way," Lard said changing the subject, "Sharklad and Lumborg Fox seem to be getting along fine. After what Sharklad did to him, I would have thought Fox would be furious with him!" Shady explained, "when I saved Fox's brain, the trauma of the whole experience gave Fox partial amnesia. He doesn't remember the things he did while diseased, nor does he remember being cannibalized. Shark feels very guilty about it but can't bring himself to tell Fox." "So Fox doesn't remember Bernardo Bay at all? Probably a good thing." "Yes, but eventually, it will come out." Then Shady noticed a light flash. "Buckle up, everyone. We're landing on Gggrrg!"
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Space Tart Member |
posted April 10, 2000 02:24 AM
And to the LMBers surprise, a second ship landed right beside theirs. The 6 former LMBers exited quickly, curious to see who else was searching for Cobalt Kid. The second ship's door slid open, and out stepped the hideously obese former LMBer Space Tart. "JJJJEEEEEEsus!!! You sure have gotten FAT, Tartsy" Lard Lad said. As Shady elbowed him in the stomach, she turned to the flabby former femme fatale and said.... IP: Logged |
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bellbookcandle Member |
posted April 10, 2000 04:30 AM
"You don't fool me. You got LardLad's powers in that blood transfusion after you were injured in White Twilight." Space Tart winked, and her body fat melted away into a soft rain of lard. "I never could fool you. I can trick the guys easily." The hooded figure of the former Cobalt Kid wandered towards them... IP: Logged |
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bellbookcandle Member |
posted April 10, 2000 07:47 AM
and said to Space Tart: "Well you fooled me...." IP: Logged |
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Lucien Member |
posted April 10, 2000 10:11 AM
Meanwhile, on a distant planet.... Lucien Lad (nee Disco Bunny Lad, nee QueenOfDiamonds Kid) relaxed in his palace surrounded by scantily clad hunks from across the galaxy. Although living a life of leisure now lucien Lad can't help but look back with misty eyes on that long ago day when the LMB spaceship had crashed into his home planet of WonderWomanWorld and he'd been sucked into a whirlwind of excitement and interesting men... um... people. So much had gone on since, The Mundane Wars, White Twilight, the horrible events after the road trip to Green Lantern World (the nightmares still haunt him) and the general dress sense of some of the LMB. I mean, you'd think in this day and age they'd have realised green and purple lycra is not a fashion statement (unless it's a statement to the fashion police, bwaahhaaaahhaaaa!!!!). But still those memories haunt him and he wonders what ever happened to the rest of the LMB..... Ok, you can carry on now IP: Logged |
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kbern Member |
posted April 10, 2000 11:25 AM
another meanwhile............ A bright light shine across a golden marble floor. The crisp clean linen sheets rustle. A soft laughter fills the room. "Gary take a look at the holo-news, their at it again" kbern king says. " Well it is their right if they want to" Glamour gary declares. " I ...I just don't know. After the ordeal with the LGLFF assuming the royal command of the United Planets and the cat fighting that insued,I for one think they should just let it go. All those new outfits I made for them and the thanks I got. At least Turtle girl and Shady thanked me. By the way remind me to get my handbag back from Miss turtle." " That's my purse, you wouldn't let her have any of yours. Thank Dr. G'myll for curing my gonnorohea and making me glamourous instead. Come back to bed , your hair looks fine. " Gary moans " Gee LMB or hot spooning with gary? tough question. Oh well if they need me they now where to find me." kbern king giggles The thin satin drapes billow as the cool air breezes past them. The sun sets over planet LIZA. "It's good to be the king" Meanwhile Space Tart cries out in horror at............... IP: Logged |
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Lucien Member |
posted April 10, 2000 11:33 AM
the gold marble floor. I mean, gold marble? That's sooooo last year. Opaque glass tiles with multi-coloured fibre-optic lighting installed underneath are the new thing. You just have to make sure that the rest of the lighting in the room doesn't create shadows. You may be nearly as perfect as me but even so, bad lighting.... Sorry, that wasn't Space tart at all was it? it was me, lucien Lad, having a queeny moment. Again. Ho-hum... IP: Logged |
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bellbookcandle Member |
posted April 10, 2000 11:44 AM
"I think we'll leave Kbern King where he is for now," said Cobalt kid. "I'll use my new powers of spiritual awareness to check on the other members. I see Bell Boy...he's working in a hotel, carrying suitcases. I wonder which body survived - Happy, Grumpy or Dopey? Wait, he's put the suitcases in the lift and forgotten to get in himself. So it's Dopey then. Maybe we should leave him for the moment as well. Now, where's Tsarin Kid...." IP: Logged |
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HardshellTheTurtleBoy Member |
posted April 10, 2000 02:17 PM
Tsarin Boy was at that very moment, at the mercy of that villianous duo, StinkyFinger Pete and FishySmell Girl, who were torturing him unmercifully to force him to reveal the secret of......ummmmmm,....well darn it, they had all that S&M equipment they got second hand from Shady's place, and Tsarin is bound to know a secret or two. So, StinkyFinger Pete lifts the egg beater once more into position as FishySmell Girl laughed riotiously, and........ ------------------ IP: Logged |
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SharkLad Member |
posted April 10, 2000 08:08 PM
... she accidentally fell into the path of the egg beater. "Oh yeah, scramble me baby," she yelped. As the two smelly villians proceeded to bring each other to new lows of ecstacy, Tsarin managed to free himself and escape their sewer headquarters. Once he reached the surface, Tsarin let out a bellowing, "SWEET ASS SWEET!!!" which was heard by ... IP: Logged |
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LoserLad Member |
posted April 10, 2000 10:49 PM
...the hero formerly known as Arms Fall Off Boy. Hearing the echoing "SWEET ASS SWEET" from the sewers below, he recalls his own time with the LMB, a fond memory amidst the painful ones that followed. Having grown into his full power, he became Arms and Legs Fall Off Man, and later, after misplacing all of his wayward limbs in the battle of Monotonous Hill, he carried on bravely for a time as Doorstop Dan. After the war, times were tough for the former hero, who now sits on a busy Metropolis street with a sign that reads "Spare a limb for a Mundane Wars Vet?" Doorstop Dan drifts off to sleep on the steam grate he is forced to call home, thoughts of his former teammates racing through his mind, when, suddenly...
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Cobalt Kid Member |
posted April 11, 2000 12:06 PM
...someone began peeing down into the sewer. An angry Doorstop Dan looked up to pick a fight, to see that it was known other than Newcru King! Doorstop Dan couldn't believe it, remembering that Newcru King quit the LMB after the death of a close teammate, and seemed to be forever without hope. Dan could tell from Newcru's face that he had been sticking to his new take on life, of being dirty and scummy, and screw cleaning! Dan looked down sad for his teammate, as... IP: Logged |
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