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| Clever Girl... >> Myself >> Pearls of Wisdom >> Part 9 16 December 2001 - If I'm right, then we've come to the end of the line... But at the end of the day, I'm not his type of person. I never have been. None of his other friends are like me at all. None of his girlfriends have been like me at all. He threw away Carmen - and as Buffy said a few months ago, we were so alike we may as well have BEEN the same person to the majority of the populace. I was an abberation on the landscape of people **** knows. I wasn't like the others. I perhaps appealed a little to the person he thought he was, but eventually I could see that he wasn't the person he thought he was, I demanded for him to change back, but that person was never there in the first place. 17 December 2001 - Here we are with nothing but honesty... Continue being this person, this boy who sits around spouting off romantic notions about 'the one' and radiating this false sensitive charade because you want to been seen as a "nice" guy, when in reality that's not who you are, that's not what's inside. 20 December 2001 - The show is over, say goodbye... What was it I wrote in my PR book months ago? Early |
| September, it was. A couple of hours before I found out about the Sarah B debacle. "Don't you understand? I only wanted you to ask me not to go, to tell me I didn't have to, to say everything was okay. And I kept waiting for you to say it - I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for you to DO something... but you never did." Sometimes I think I may be prophetic. Either that, or I'm like Lex from Survivor and my paranoia creates self-fulfilling prophecies. A little of both, I suspect. I mean, what else can you put the Tweedle-Tay Saga down to? 28 December 2001 - I think there's something you should know... I guess you could say that I feel simultaneously dead and as though I've been given a brand new, exciting lease of life, one that I can't wait to test drive and see how it goes. 31 December 2001 - You'll never see me fall apart... Why did I feel I had to do that? I had to hurt him, to do blatantly disgusting things to get revenge for the pain I saw him inflicting on me every day. It only seemed fair. But it was mean. 05 January 2002 - I'm just sipping on camomile, watching boys and girls with their sex appeal... I don't want to read about politics. I don't want to borrow out media books and go into deep postfeminist analyses of songs, tv shows, and movies. Reading about Sweet Valley and the Unicorn Club suits me just fine, the familiar stories I read over and over 5 years ago flow through my mind effortlessly - the only difference being that I continually question the realism of the genre. I don't particularly want to hug people, I don't want to cry, and I... I just don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be deep, thoughtful, introspective Rachel. That side of me only tires me at the moment. 07 January 2002 - I want to meet in 2003... It's been two years since I felt that way. **** excites me, but it's something different. With ****, it's not BEING with him that excites me, but the idea that if we WERE together, it would be as good. Just as exciting. The same spark, the same connection... would all be there. And I'm not in any way saying that it WOULDN'T be there if I got to know him better... but while talking to him is a happy occasion, it doesn't bring that perfection with it. previous next back |