In Rememberance of 9-11-01 and our Soldiers
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| Reasons to Lose 200lbs |
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I have been on this journey all of my life. Well actually when my life begain, I was a premature twin that weighed in under 4lbs. I was not suppossed to survive, however, a miracle happened in December of 1962. My twin died when we were 5 days old and me being baby b who was not supposed to survive did and after 2 months in the hospital I was able to come home. My mom and dad told me that I could have fit into a shoe box, I was so tiny. Believe it or not! So my mom kept filling me up making me gain weight so that I wouldn't lose and have to go back into the hospital. She was so afraid I was going to die. I survived and in fact her efforts were so successful that I was not able to walk until I was 3 because of how much I weighed. This led me into a chubby/fat childhood. I was always the biggest, fattest kid. I always got to test the rope swings and the ice (if it didn't break or I didn't fall through then it was safe for everyone else.) I hated myself. I started stealing candy when I was in kindergarten, who would have thought that you could find such comfort in sugary treats. I was ruining my teeth, but I thought I was content. I got in trouble at school for eating the candy I was supposed to be selling during recess (oh yeah, pick the fat kid to watch over all the sweets). I had no friends. By the time I was 12 my mom had already had me on numerous diets and I got my first taste of starvation dieting at fat camp. It was pure torture. They would feed you the most un appetizing things, in what small amounts they fed us in. And make us constantly move....doing all kinds of physical activities....I was STARVING....so me and a couple of other campers tried to steal food from the mess hall at night....we got caught....I did lose the most during that 4 week period, 36lbs....I won a plastic beach ball.....wahooo....not! I forgot the darn ball at camp when we left :-(. I also gained back that weight plus more in record time as soon as I was able to eat the good food again. So it was a flop, I had ended up even bigger for my next year at school, it was bad enough that I already had to have my uniforms specially made because I was so big. Well I went on diet after diet, trying to regain that elusive "willpower". I would lose then gain, lose then gain....it was horrible. Then I discovered when I was a teen that if I smoked and chewed gum and drank diet sodas I didn't need to eat. I lost over 45lbs in one month. I was on top of the world. And I met my first boyfriend. I continued to struggle with my weight, soon I discovered drugs to help me lose, thanks to my first "real boyfriend"....who i met hitchhiking by the way. I lost so much weight and had so much energy. I used amphetemines everyday for six years straight. I gained the weight back plus some even on the diet pills. So I was addicted to speed and fat. I almost hit 200lbs. By this time I was 22 and I was married (got married at 17). He was so abusive (won't even go there), but he threatened to divorce me if I hit 200lbs. I tried with all my might to get there. Who would have thought I would have trouble gaining weight. But by this time I was soooo crazy from the drugs and abuse I just wanted to die. So it was either leave him or I would die. I left. After that 7yrs of torture were over, I couldn't fit into life right away. I had no idea of who I was or where I belonged. I did know that I needed to lose the weight. Over the next couple of years, i crept back to sanity and also worked my butt off to get into shape. I took off and went to california, where I was homeless for a while, living in a shelter...at this point food meant nothing. I was lucky if I wanted to eat. I was 23 when I came back home, I thought I looked wonderful...I had a fat index of 14. I was soooo thin my mother paled when she looked at me. Then I met husband number 2.....he fell for the long brown hair, blue eyes and tiny waist...I was so small he could lift me up over his head with one hand. but again, i had poor judgement when it came to men. He only had to hit me a few times and I never gave him a reason to again. Then I got pregnant. I gained 100lbs with my daughter, I had preeclampsia....I almost had a stroke. But God was watching over me again. By the time I had my beautiful daughter I weighed 242lbs. Then I dropped down to 218 before I left the hospital. And then I stayed at that weight for more than 8mths (no matter what I did) I was devestated and I guess my husband was too, because he began cheating on me. My fat disgusted him. So in retaliation, I started eating less than 500cals per day and I walked during lunchtime at work and after work I walked couple of more miles. Then I started doing a workout tape in the morning before work too. The weight started dropping off. Within 4mths I had lost all the weight but 10lbs. So i joined weight watchers and lost the last 10. I was also separated by this time. I lived in Fla. at this time, and my husband would bring his little girlfriends to my work everyday. ( I worked with my mother in law, so he always had an excuse). When that final weight finally came off, I had met someone else and we started dating , after 6mths we moved in together, my husband would drop by when Mark was out of town. But he couldn't be faithful so I didn't want to be with him....he actually didn't want to be with me full time. Well I moved back to PA....and the weight started to come back on......Rob (my husband) came to visit and said this is not MY lisa Ray because I was back up to a size 12. We didn't end up getting back together. My best friend Jeannie and I used to workout together and go out dancing together...we did so much together...I was bambie and she was thumper my bodyguard (even though she was smaller than me). I didn't listen to my inner voice and ended up getting raped multiple times by this scum (and evidently while his brother watched at one point) and jeannie was passed out in the next room, that was in Sept.1991 and my boyfriend blamed me and dropped me like a hot potato. You cannot explain to anyone what it does to you to be violated then going to the hospital, the police, the court bull and so on. A year of my life lost in the court bull. He burnt my house down with my family home (even though I couldnt' prove it was him) and luckily noone was hurt. I was terrified and the weight came on so fast. I think I was trying to protect myself. He ended up pleading and getting 3yrs probation, my assistant district attorney and his attorney were friends and that is how that went. Then I met my current boyfriend. He was so compassionate and understanding. He was the only man I trusted. But the weight still climbed on. When I was up to 227 lbs and got pregnant with my son. I weighed 299lbs by the time I had my son. I weighed about 240 something after giving birth. Then over the next 5 months I got back down to 200lbs. that was in 94. Then I thought I had a pulled muscle trying to get in shape....here I had a DVT. I was in the hospital for a week on heparin IV then on coumadin for 7 or 8mths. I wasn't allowed to do anything because it could have caused internal bleeding. My pt times were always toooo long. So I've been on aspirin therapy ever since. But because I was inactive but still eating I gained weight. Then I pulled my hip and back out in 2000 and it took me a year to recouperate. More weight. Then I was finally starting to get my act together and I was rear ended in a car accident and pushed into a pickup truck.....I had a major concussion, and 2 bulging discs in my neck. I have had headaches ever since (1/14/02), now I am at about 322lbs. I think . Since I didn't have a scale that could weigh over 299, so I bought a little bathroom scale that is suppossed to go up to 330lbs. At first I outweighed it (that was in january 2003). Now it says I weigh 324lbs. So now we are here in the present.. |
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