The first couple of enteries are from my OBESITYHELP.COM page....
I am sooo sick of being heavy. It is an endless battle that consumes your entire life. I am the single parent of 2 children. Children who are getting bigger everyday without me being able to do things for and with them.
I am 40 and have been thinking of surgery for a long,long time. I am afraid, but death scares me also.
1-26-03
this has been a busy week, I have made appt.s with 2 surgeons....Dr. Noel Williams at University of Penn. Hosp...but that consult isn't until 11/5/03...so far away it seems....
so I called another surgeon that I found through this site...Dr. David Von Rueden and I am supposed to go to an information meeting on 2/1/03 with my consult scheduled for 4/30/03!! so I can check both out..if I really like and feel confident about Dr. Von Rueden I could possibly have my surgery before my initial consult with Dr. williams even comes up. I'll have to see. I'm excited and scared.....good note: I have been trying extra hard to lose weight during this period to try and get healthier for surgery and I am officially at 322lbs.
I also called my insurance, my primary is medicare, and they told me that they would cover the surgery if I am morbidly obese and have a comorbidity...which I have high blood pressure and stress on my joints and starting to have degeneration of my lower spine... I think I also have sleep apnea...so I think that they will cover me....so cool that I could call and find out ahead of time....I haven't found out about the hospital stay coverage but Idon't think that will be a problem.
2/8/03
Well I got freaked out about having the surgery and didn't go to my information meeting. I am now calling to see if they have another one so that I can keep my consult appt. on 4/30/03. I hope they do (I think they should, I will find out monday). I know I really need to do this for myself, it just scares me because I have a history of having a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) and this is one of the complications of having the surgery, so I am a little afraid of having a reaccurance...but i have decided to talk to the doctor first about maybe getting a greenfeld filter put in place so that I don't have to worry about getting an embolism. just keep me in your prayers guys, I really need the support. I started losing weight trying to prepare for the surgery and now I have gained it all back (12lbs) and I am so afraid I will just keep getting bigger and bigger. Okay, enough of the negative freaking stuff...I need to more positive and take control of my life and implement the tools that are being given to me to help save my life.
I will keep you posted. thanks everyone. Hopefully i will see you all on the other side.
2-18-03 (repost)
UUUGGHHHHH.....this is the third time I am writing this. I posted it twice and then it was gone...that darn internet wizard.....so I am from now on typing in word then cutting and pasting into my profile.
I just wanted to say how calm I am about my decision now. I think that the initial freakout that I experienced was because of the gravety of the situation. But the more that I have researched and the knowledge that I have gained online from numerous sites and webpages have more than calmed my fears. I thank God that we live in an age where we have access to this abundance of information and friendships. I think that even contemplating having surgery is a big step for anyone, and is a learning experience in and of itself. You have to do a lot of soul searching and taking a stark assessment of your life, I think that the knowledge you gain of yourself during this is invaluable whether you decide on surgery or not. I feel that we are all winners from this aspect and that the ones who are lucky enough to be able to cross to the losing side have that added bonus. I know that this surgery is not a cure, for there is no cure to this disease. However, it is a tool that can be used to help deal with the symptoms of this disease. It helps also to prolong your life (barring the small % who do not survive the procedure), giving another chance to live life and experience some healing rather to continue to just exist and wait for the end. I am so tired of crying on the sidelines and am ready to join the action of living.
I am blessed by the souls that have reached out and touched me through their stories and I hope to be joining them soon. This is only the beginning. But I am more than ready to make the sacrifices neccessary to improve my quality of life. I want to Live for me and my children.
Okay, enough of my self revelation. If anyone wants to email me or catch me in the chatroom I�d be more than happy to talk.
I just wanted to share some links to stories that have touched me....I know I will find more as I go along, but here are a few:
Carnie Wilson
http://www.spotlighthealth.com/morbid_obesity/mo/mo.htm
Jen�s weight loss story (3yrs out and 1 pregnancy)
http://hometown.aol.com/mommy4alex/journey.html
Andrea�s site....she has good links too
http://www.geocities.com/rottencatz/
Weightloss surgery webring
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Woods/4485/faces.html
more later
Lisa
2-21-03
I can�t believe that my entries are disappearing....I just had to repost my 2-18-03 post. Uugghh....
I ordered some real meal protein shakes today. I can�t wait for them to come so that I can try them. I have an appt. with my primary on Monday so that we can schedule to have a sleep study done for sleep apnea. I just know I have it. I am starting to set up some of the appts. For checkups and tests so that I will have some of the stuff done before my appt. with Dr. Von Rueden on 4-30-03. And My information meeting is coming up soon, 3-1-03. Can�t wait.
I am working on my web page on geocities, it is a work in progress so if you want to read alittle more about me just click the link above. I hope to have some pics up soon. I am so grateful for the support and understanding I get from all of you!! I think that it just makes thinks alittle easier.
Okay, hopefully this won�t get lost. When I talk to Esther, I will do an update. She�s 2days out from her surgery now.
Okay, love ya�s all.
Lisa
2-24-03
I had a dr.s appt. today with my pcp.....but when i went there, they said that it is the wrong day, I am not supposed to be there until 3/24/03, but one of the nurses said it was her fault that she told me 2/24 and so they fit me in. Isn�t that great. Well my pcp concurs that I may have sleep apnea, so they called the sleep center at Taylor Hospital and said that I had my thyroid test done in September, is that okay or do I need another one. They said no, its within 6mths so I�m good to go for a sleep study. I have to call and get an appt. If I would have had to wait until march it would have put me past 6mths and I would have needed another set of blood tests..so yeah!!
They also had a new PA training at my dr.s office, she took my vitals and we were talking, I told her that I am planning on having wls and that I am trying to eliminate as many risk factors for the surgery as I can. She said that she used to be very skeptical of the surgery but that she did a round with a surgeon in philly that did the surgery and she was so impressed and his complications with his patients was zero.....she gave me his name. This is so strange to have someone be supportive and to be able to provide you with information. So now I am checking out Dr. Schurict. She knows that my regular PA jessie is not real supportive of the surgery, so she said that she would keep it on the qt. I really, really liked her, she doesn�t know how good she made me feel. She didn�t treat me like some oversized slug...you know what I mean? Oh an I lost 2lbs....not that I�m out looking for them....lol.....
I�ll post again later. Everything seems to be falling into place....I hope that I can pick a dr. and have a date soon. (I know, as do we all).
Jill thank you for your letter...I am glad that I made another friend...I do not have enough of them.
It is okay if you don�t have time right now for a web page, take your time and take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.
Till later,
Love ya�s,
Lisa
February 27, 2003
I can�t believe that it is 2003 already. I know I am a little slow on the uptake...lol...its been 2003 for almost 3mths now...lol.....
I just can�t believe that time is flying by in my life, I just hope that it moves this fast when I get my surgery date and moves as quickly through recovery.
I want to thank everyone who has been so nice and supportive from this site and have taken the time to write me back with encouragement. I can not express to all of you how much this means to me. You are my new family of choice. (That just sounds so much like a �therapy� term, lol, but it fits).
I have an appt. to see a neurologist at the sleep center at Taylor hospital on April 17th at 10:00. I hope that I can have the sleep study done soon after. I�m just trying to get everything out of the way before surgery. I am going to get the name of the nutritionist and the name of the psychologist that my surgeon usually uses when I go for the info meeting on Saturday so I can try and get that set up.
I feel like the better aware I am of any risks that I may be more predispositioned towards the more I am able to �remove� or lessen the possibility of occurrence..
Like the whole blood clot thing, I had DVT�s before, so I think I am higher risk of developing one, so I am going to have the heparin shots before surgery and after and also I am going to have ted stockings on and the compression sleeves (if that�s what they are called), then of course walk as soon as I can after surgery and continue to walk. And if they feel the risk is high enough I may even get a greenfeld filter. So that is one risk that I feel better about.
I am going to start walking and increasing my protein intake prior to surgery to try and cut down on any complications and to help in the healing process. I am also trying to do deep breathing exercises to try and increase my lung capacity.
I can�t wait to get to talk to the doctor and ask different questions. Why is it taking so LONG....lol.....I know I am acting like a spoiled brat....but I have never really put myself first and done something just for me before. And I think that this surgery is the best thing I could do for myself and I want to start now.
Okay, I am going to go, I feel like I am just rambling on and being redundant. I read this site almost constantly since I discovered it again in January, but I am not going to update again until after the information session on Saturday.
Love Ya�s,
Take care....and I am praying for all of us, no matter what step we are on in the process.
Lisa
3-5-03
Well I was going to wait until after I had my consult but I can't stand just sitting here twiddling my thumbs (the only activity that at this point doesnt' make me tired...lol)....
I did go to my information session then stayed for a support group afterward. It was wonderful....Dr. Von Reuden even came in on the session even though he was scheduled to go out of town. He was soooo informative.....my nerves are waaaay calmer...not that I have been that upset since I have made my decision...actually I've been kind of calm....weird for a needle fearing person like myself...lol...
I am so glad that I found Dr. Vonrueden through this site...thank you guys....I know that he will be more than competent to lead me into my journey. He was so kind,and he took as much time as we needed to ask questions....he even knew about different medical conditions that aren't that common...I was surprised at that...i mean how much information can a person's head hold?...lol...
then to get to meet Bethann his assistant(sorry if I get your title wrong beth)....and her beautiful children...then to meet actual patients....so thrilling....I wish I could have my surgery this week. Kind of like getting married, you can't wait for the right man to come and carry you across the threshold into the beginning of your new life. LOL...I know silly analogy. I'll probably experience the "cold feet" too...lol.
Well me and my boyfriend have been not talking about the surgery...he is frightened I might die and leave him, our son, and my daughter. (even though we don't live together, that's a loooong story in and of itself).....I don't accept bribary's (spelling?) from him and I am tired of his scare tactics...so I sent him a letter and some links so that he can become informed. I told him I will discuss it with him when we can have an informed intelligent conversation about it. We have lots of long talks and sometimes I feel like I don't understand everything he is talking about (I suck at geography and history..lol)....so I like to continue to read alot and learn everything I can (been doing that for as long as I can remember) so that we can have debates...lol....
So until he finishes doing his research we are not talking about it.
I bought a wedding dress (I'll have to post the picture of it) off of ebay a couple of months ago before christmas, it says that it is a size 12, but I think that it runs small...We have talked about getting married before, but I told him I wanted to wait till I could fit into that gown...looks like it may actually happen. Or not...lol....I am finished with waiting to live my life till I am the right weight for it. Do you know what I mean? I can't go there, or I can't wear that, or I can't do that because I am fat, when I lose weight I could do that...lol...how crazy is that mindset. So I am working on breaking that.
I dont't want to write too much at one time here, so I have been updating my web page (well mainly the background and font colors...lol)...I'll put my list up there of My Reasons to Lose a 100lbs (even though I want to lose 200, I'm about 322lbs and 5'4").
I do have a few reasons why I am afraid to lose weight, since it is not long, I will post it here:
1. to have to face people (mainly men) again.
2. because I might gain it all back.
3. because I will actually have to care about myself.
4. because I will have to find other ways to deal with my emotions: happy,sad, anger, surprise....etc....I had a food for every mood.
5. to not have an excuse not to participate.
I'll post more if more come up.
I will give you one reason besides being healthy that I want to lose this weight:
So that I can wear something that is fitted, besides my underwear and socks (sorry for the visual)....lol....
Okay so when you send up prayers, please pray that my time will pass quickly and that I won't have to wait until winter for the surgery. It would be wonderful if somehow I could have it this summer. Okay I'm gonna stop for now.
Love ya's all!!!! Praying for all of the pre and post- ops as well as anyone suffering with this horrid debilitating disease.
Lisa
3-10-03
WAITING WAITING WAITING....I just keep waiting...I feel like I could be doing so much, yet i have to wait....lol....as I know alot of you feel. I cant wait to be on the losing side.
I found out that a neighbor of my sister's....Becky, is having the same surgery and using the same surgeon. This is tooo cool...so we have been on the phone and I am so excited that we can go through this together...she says if we can get the same date, I wonder if they will but us in the same room.
well now I am more excited.
I'll keep you posted.
ttfn
Lisa
3-13-03
I'm still waiting, but yesterday something amazing happened, they found Elizabeth Smart....I can't believe they have found her, I have been praying for that teen since she disappeared 6-05-02. She is alive and at home with her family...I send prayers out to them that the adjustment time is not too difficult and that Elizabeth can try and become the teenager that she was and that she can continue on with her life not being totally damaged by this whole experience. I also want all of the family's still trying to find there missing children that I am praying for them. Well I know that that has nothing to do with my WLS experience, but I am so grateful I had to comment.
So I have been sick for the past couple of days and you know the whole feed a fever starve a cold....well I feed the cold and I am back up to 330. This really sucks,I had lost from over 330 down to 322 and I was actually starting to feel a little better and move around a little better, but know I feel like the blob and that any effort is too much. I am fearing heart attacks again....uugghhh...this process is taking so long, but i know that it will be more than worth it when I can run up to the bathroom, then down to the basement and do a load of laundry. I know it isn't something spectacular, but right now I can't do that so it makes it hard to keep up on the laundry and housework. Another reason for the surgery. I was also thinking about the fact that if you take my measurement at my widest point, I am almost as round as I am tall. How devastating. COME ON SURGERY! I can't wait until I can better care for myself and my children. Okay so I'm gonna go. Love all of you pre and post -ops.....praying for everyone going into surgery and recovering.
ttfn
Lisa
3-13-03 back again
Hey Everyone....I am so tired of being heavy....it really is making me feel so tired everyday and being sick hasn't helped.
I am going to try and go on a liquid diet...I want to lose some weight before surgery. I know I am back over 330lbs and I dont know when my surgery will be, but I would like to be around 300lbs before surgery to try and reduce the risk of nicking my liver or some other organ.
okay, I'll talk to you all later.
ttfn,
Lisa
3-18-2003
hello Everyone!
Well I have made a few changes to my pages here, let me know what you think. also, if you have any suggestions don't hesitate to send them on to me.
I am so grateful that there are so many people out there that I can relate to.
I received my protein shakes (real meals) and my WLS book. I can't wait to read and I can't wait to try the shakes. I am just trying to be as prepared as I can be.
I am waiting to here about my scholarship to the YMCA...I hope I get it, then me and my kids can go swimming and I can start working out. I want to be in better shape before the surgery.
I feel so sure and confident about this, I hope that when I go next month for my appt. that It will not be too long until I get a date. I am sooo ready.
Okay, well I've gotta run right now, but if anyone wants to talk or has any questions just give me an IM...or email. LOL.... talk to you all later.
Love ya's,
Lisa
3-19-03
Well I had an appt. with my psychiatrist, in fact I just got back and had to update. I asked him if he thought that I would be a good candidate for the wls. He discussed it a little with me to see if I am informed about the procedure and the life changes that are required after the surgery. And thanks to all of my online friends and these awesome sites, I am very informed. He thinks I would make a perfect candidate. He actually told me of another patient he had that had the surgery a year and a half ago who has lost 180lbs. He said he would back me and I asked if he would write me a letter for my insurance. He said it would not be a problem! YAHOO!! I thought it would be a problem because I have been seeing him for 2yrs and have suffered from depression and anxiety and was actually suicidal at more than one time. So I was very afraid that he would say i was a nutcase and shouldn't have the surgery. Isn't it funny how our minds can work against us. But YEAH! another hurdle overcome.
Love ya's....God bless all of the pre-ops and post-ops and also look over our troops and President.
Lisa
3-27-03
I am sooo ready for this surgery....have I said that already...lol....
I keep calling the doctors to see if they can move my appt up.
I sooo want to have this surgery during the summer. I have been think about something. I have two consults scheduled...one with dr. vonrueden and the other with dr. williams.....I am trying to decide between the two of them. I would like to go to both consults but I dont' think my insurance will pay for both appts. And I am leaning more towards Dr. Williams at HUP and his appt is the second consult, so if I go to Dr. Vonrueden's first and then decide that I want to use dr. williams and my insurance won't pay for his consult It will be messed up. uuuggghhhh. Okay I gotta run right now, work calls...lol....
I'll be back.
love ya's
Lisa
4-2-03
I have been trying to get on to journal in a few days....I went shopping with my kids last night and it was horrible. I felt so bad, my daughter and son needed some clothes, my daughter started picking stuff out to try on and the anxiety started to set in. i can't stand being near clothes..it just keeps reminding me of how disgustingly fat I am. I start crying because I know how bad i look and I feel even worse. I snap at my daughter because she isn't moving fast enough. She thinks I am just being mean and giving her a hard time. When we were in a different department, i tried to explain to her how I felt, i started crying as I told her that I feel like I look like a slob. She said no you don't mom, you look fine...She tried to make things better for me.
I can't wait for these days to be behind me, and just a bad memory.
I called the hospital again today, to see if maybe there was a cancellation sooner than my July 9th appt. So far there isn't. Time is dragging.
My mom came over today, and helped clean my house. This weight interfers with so much of my life. She's coming back tomorrow so we can finish ( yes it looked that bad). But now I feel alittle better, because my house looks better. I also got to talk to my mom alittle bit about the surgery...well I told her alittle about Dr. Williams at HUP, I think that she is getting more comfortable with the idea. I want this so badly. Okay till later.
I'll be keeping all post and pre ops in my prayers, as well as others who are suffering from this horrible disease.And lets not forget our Soldiers and our President.
Love Ya's,
Lisa
4-5-03
Hey Everyone,
Yesterday i went to the Phillies Season Opener...the last one they will ever have at Veteran's Stadium in Phila. It was a really fun day, even though we lost to the pirates 9-1. :-(
I thought I was going to die getting from the parking lot to the stadium, then up all of those ramps to the 600 level, I couldn't find our section so I asked someone where it was and they said up another set of ramps. I went up those (in sheer pain) and found out that it was the 700 level and I had to go back down that set of ramps.UUUUGGGHHH. Well we finally found our section and had to walk up these teeeny tiiiiny steps to our row and then cross over in front of people to get to our seats (which were in the middle of the row, in the middle of the section, of course). I told my 8 yr old son, when we were on our level but not to our section yet, that if he wanted anything to get it now, because once we found out seats I was not moving. Well, back to the seats, they were all real, real close together, and of course there was someone sitting on the one side of me and my son sitting on the other, I thought I needed some WD40 to get into my seat. But I did it.
After the game, as we were leaving, some jerk walked by with his friends and said, now that's a fat ass and snapped me in the back of my leg with either a towel or a t-shirt. Since there were alot of people drinking and a tremendous fight had already occurred, i didn't want to have any trouble with my son with me (plus being in tremendous pain from walking back down said steps and ramps), so I just kept walking like nothing happened. Gosh I can't wait for my surgery!!!
Last night I kept dreaming i couldn't breathe, I was suffocating...this happened like at least 3-4times that I remember, if not more times. Well here, I was laying flat on my back and I actually couldn't breathe. Wouldn't you know it, the day before yesterday the nurse from the sleep center called to reschedule my appt. because the dr. is taking a vacation day that day! I have already waited a couple of months for the darn appt. and now I have to wait until the middle of may. I just am soooo afraid that I am going to die before I get a chance to have this surgery. I am soooo afraid that either the breathing or my heart will go. Please Lord, bring me safely to that day of surgery and over onto the losing side.
So now it is Saturday and I was going to go to Dr. Von Rueden's information session with my sister, then stay for the support group, Guess what? It was rescheduled!!!! Uuuugghhh.....they rescheduled it for April 19th. I didn't find out until after the long walk from the parking lot to the information desk (after a walk up a flight of steps). They actually had to page the Doctor, and I got to speak to him personally and he asked me what my name was, I really like Dr. VonRueden. He gave me the new info and then the long walk back to the car (but not before we stopped and ate in the cafeteria...go figure).
So I feel totally RESCHEDULED...LOL...I am having this dilemma now, I don't know if I want to use Dr. Williams, or if I should use Dr. VonRueden. I have met VonReuden and really like him alot. I have not met Dr. Williams yet so I can't say about him. Dr. Williams is reknowned in the USA, England and Ireland.
He has numerous publishings and is the head of surgery at HUP in Phila.
Dr. VonRueden has over 10yrs experience with laprascopic surgery and is affiliated with both Lankenau Hosp. and Jefferson Hosp.
I don't know how to decide.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I have an appt. with Dr. VonRueden on April 30th, and I have an appt. with Dr. Williams on July 9th.
Okay, I guess enough rambling. Oh, my sister has decided to definitly have the surgery. She wants to use Dr. VonRueden, so I am going to see if she can come with me on my appt.
Wish us luck.
Love ya's, and I am praying for all pre-ops and post-ops and all people suffering with this horrible disease of obesity.
Also I am praying for the President and our soldiers. My brother in law is a 1st leutenant in the Army, special forces, he redeploys tommorrow to Iraq. Please keep him in your prayers.
Lisa
4-9-03
Hello Everyone,
I was really busy yesterday....making phone calls setting up appts. and typing letters and printing information offline.
I think that my packet will be very well prepared when they are ready to submit it to the insurance company, that is after I have my consult on 4-30-03. I can't wait!! It's almost here.
So I have been researching both Dr. VonRueden and Dr. Williams, and found out that Dr. VonRueden received his medical license in 1977 and Dr. Noel Williams is listed as 2000, even though he has 22yrs experience.hmmmm. I think he may have been licensed in another country....I don't know. Anyhow, I found this site that you can research physicians and find out their complete med history including any sanctions that they may have had and if you choose more than one, they will do a comparison for you. So I ordered the reports, well when I try and access for each individual Doctor, it gives me an error...that they are notifying their tech staff and hopefully will have it fixed soon. UUUUUgggghhhh....But I think I have finally made a decision and I am going to go with Dr. VonRueden. My sister, who also wants to have WLS wants to use VonRueden also, so I called VonRueden's office yesterday to see if it was okay for her to come with me on my appt. and guess what, they squeezed an appt. in for her on the same day.
I know that I would be upset if I was not already scheduled that she could get an appt. so fast...lol...even though I am the one who made it for her.LOL.....But I called for my appt. months ago. Oh well, at least we can go through this together.LOL....Her name is Denise Murphy, I got her to make a page here on obesityhelp.com, but she hasn't written anything on it yet. So I am doing all the research I can, if anyone has anything they can let me know regarding these docs, please do not hesitate to email me.
I just want to say that I give Dr. Vonrueden's office staff a HIGH FIVE.lol. or to use a rating scale of 1 to 10, I think they get a 10. They are always so nice and always take the time to talk to you. They don't even really know who I am yet and they are always willing to help me. I think that goes along way, especially when you combine it with a surgeon who has at least 10yrs lap. surgery experience (not all WLS), and is just as nice. Okay,just one last thing, I switched where I am having my sleep apnea study done...my consult is next week I think...lol...don't have my calendar in front of me. but it will be at Riddle Memorial Hosp. in their new sleep center.
okay, now I will stop rambling and get going, I have a meeting at my daughter's school. I will post my letters that I am writing soon, so that anyone else may use them if they'd like. you can check out my diet history and soon my family history on my website at www.geocities.com/lisar62
I'll try and get some pics up on it too.
Love ya's, and I am praying for all of you pre'ops and post-ops and sufferers of this disease.
Lisa (please keep praying for our President and soldiers)
Just wanted to add, my friend Becky got her date today, December 5, 2003, with Dr. VonRueden at Lankenau hosp. CONGRATS! BECKY! Me and Denise will be joining you soon.
4-14-03
Its been a few days since I've updated. I really didn't have alot to say. But I do have an update....I found a Nutritionist...well actually my brother in law found them. It is a program that is beginning at Riddle Memorial Hospital.
They have you come in and do an hour initial consult, then they monitor your nutritional needs, before and after surgery and they also have their own liquid protein supplement. They are also talking about starting a support group. I can't believe that there is a place sooo close to me. I have an appt. with them for May 9th. They are the Riddle Nutrition and Weight Center. Riddle Memorial Hosp. Media, PA 610-891-3490.
If you call tell them you are interested in their wls program and that you heard about it from me. Gotta go.
LOVE YA"S and I will keep you's all in my prayers, pre- and post-ops as well as people thinking about surgery.
later, lisa
