| About Me: I am often seen splitting the atom, leaping moving vehicles in a single bound, and compressing air. I am a gold medalist dirt diver. In my spare time, I create small labyrinths in my backyard from toilet paper rolls. I sniff dryer lint. I was scouted by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I currently hold the record in seed spitting competitions, I can apply mascara with my mouth completely shut. I can hold my breath for 17 hours. I woo men with my sensuous and goddess-like baritone playing. My striking speed from 4 feet away is five hundredths of a second. Occasionally, I tread water for 3 days in a row. I catch grains of rice in mid-flight using chopsticks. I can lasso 12 chickens with great dexterity. During a trip to Moose Jaw, I successfully pulled a wagon and rolled several horses out of quicksand. I am a surreal artist, a psychoanalyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of paper mache evening wear. My hair is never out of place. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I play hopscotch on my hands. I pump my own gas. I own my children outright. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I balance, I weave, I shuffle, I prance, and my car is paid off. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact floral arrangement. I have played the role of Juliet, I have performed at the Grand Ole Opry, and I can drink my mother-in-law under the table. |
