10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang statement: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. YUCK!
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I know some people like that!
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! I knew it !
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who discovered this??
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. WHAT???
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing. ????
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space....
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
25. Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the
surface.
24. On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.
23. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
22. The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
21. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
20. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
19. If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
18. Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
17. As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring
loyalty into
question.
16. He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
15. I have my doubts about disbelief.
14. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me
paranoid.
13. Profanity sucks.
12. I have a twin brother. he's identical, but I'm not.
11. I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not
sure if I
believe it.
10. Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
9. Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
8. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
7. I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
6. Rehab is for quitters!
5. The shortest distance between two points is how far apart
they are.
4. Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things
ever?
3. My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
2. I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough
nxiety in my
life.
1. Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend
to use more
words than necessary.
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large water bottle with coke. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
14. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
15. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
10. Cafeteria tablecloth looks suspiciously like your country's flag
9. Your country's sole U.N. responsibility is putting up streamers for the holiday dance
8. You're officially introduced as "What's-his-face from the hell hole"
7. You have to share a room with Saddam Hussein
6. Your wife has to share a room with President Clinton
5. At the big summit conference, Castro keeps asking you to get him a decaf latte
4. You're informed that your country was won by Sweden in a late-night poker game
3. As a salute to democracy, you donate your country's constitution; ten minutes later you see it in the free box
2. Under his breath, Kofi Annan calls you a "major-league asshole"
1. You receive invitation to the big September summit in October
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
3. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".
9. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people what sex they are.
12. Specify that your drive through order is "to eat in"
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
15. Call 000 and ask if 000 is for emergencies
16. Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, Scream, "I won! I won!" 3rd time this week!!!
18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"
10. When he "levitates" your furniture, you can clearly see the wires
9. Sometimes when you're not looking, he'll balance your checkbook
8. Awakens you in the middle of the night just to see if you want to play chess
7. Whenever you have someone over, jealously asks, "But you and I are still best friends, right?"
6. Spends all day on couch watching "Ricki", crying his eyes out
5. Doesn't moan, just laughs his ass off when you're naked
4. When he forgets his key, has to wait for you to let him in
3. Tries to convince you he's the ghost of Paul Keating, even though Paul Keating's still alive
2. Scares you by saying he's gonna vote for Howard
1. Your house is built on an ancient lame-person burial ground
10. "Wanna play Hide The Koala?"
9. "I put the 'laid' in 'Adelaide'"
8. "I'd like to take a safari in your outback"
7. "I'd love to didgeridoo you"
6. "G'd'ass, mate"
5. "I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout"
4. "Nice wiener schnitzel"
(Sorry, that's an Austrian pickup line)
3. "Hey Matilda, how about some horizontal waltzing?"
2. "Let me show you why Australia started out as a penal colony"
1. "Me shrimp, you barbie"
10. "I got the idea for this recipe from watching 'Survivor'"
9. "Which do you want first, kids, ice cream or the name of your real father?"
8. "I made the potato salad three weeks ago, so it's naturally red, white and blue"
7. "Somebody keep the cops busy while dad buries the knife"
6. "It's me, Aunt Susan -- you remember me from last year as Uncle Jeff"
5. "And now uncle Bob will show us slides of his quintuple bypass"
4. "If you don't wash your hands, it gives the burgers more flavor"
3. "By the way, your wife is an excellent kisser"
2. "Pick up your pants, grandpa -- that's not how you put out a barbecue"
1. "Dude, that firecracker really did a number on your eye"
10. Each year, they give a "World's Greatest Dad" mug to the mailman
9. Their Father's Day gift: for one day, they don't call you "lardass"
8. They keep leaving phone numbers of divorce lawyers in Mom's purse
7. When they need batteries, they always seem to take ones from the smoke detector over your bed
6. Instead of watching daddy's late night sports show, they watch 90210
5. Your oldest kid has bumper sticker: "I'd rather be at my parent's funeral"
4. Always asking their mother, "He's really the best you could do?"
3. When other kids say, "My dad can beat up your dad," they reply, "How much would that cost?"
2. They hold a tribal council, vote you out of the family
1. Their three goldfish are named "We," "Hate" and "oldies"
10. "If it's crowded you can sit on my lap."
9. "Maybe if the bus gets in a big accident we'll be on the news."
8. "Since we've been standing here, I've swallowed 19 dollors."
7. "I'm pretty sure this is the bus I left my monkey on."
6. "Lucky for me I don't have to go through a metal detector."
5. "I hope there's a dead guy on the bus."
4. "If there's no seats left on the bus, here's a tip--old people scare easy."
3. "Do I smell the bus"
2. "You can't spell 'bus' without 'us'."
1. (Puts his ear to the ground ) "The bus is coming."
"Places I'd Rather Not Live In..."
Paradox, New York....Crapo, Maryland....Boogertown, North Carolina....Spasticville, Kansas....Hellhole, Idaho....Purgatory, Maine
What would Freud say about...
Climax, Michigan....Spread Eagle, Wisconsin....Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?)....Hardup, Utah....Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi....Intercourse, Pennsylvania....Hornytown, North Carolina....Conception Junction, Missouri
It doesn't surprise me that there is a...
Rudeville, New Jersey....Boring, Oregon....Hell, Michigan....Hooker, California....Virgin, Utah....Dulls Corner, Maryland....Bowlegs, Oklahoma....Volcano, Hawaii....Beersville, Pennsylvania....Fleatown, Ohio....Burnt Corn, Alabama....Two Guns, Arizona....Toad Suck, Arkansas