Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?
Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
25- Boldly going nowhere.
24- Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
23- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is
lost?
22- CATS -- The other white meat.
21- Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.
20- I'm an imbecile and I vote.
19- Money Isn't Everything... But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
18- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
17- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me, not
you!
16- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the
bodies.
15- Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!
14- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
13- Grow your own dope, plant a man.
12- All men are animals,some just make better pets.
11- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
10- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
9- I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
8- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7- All men are idiots... I married their King.
6- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
5- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
4- Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
3- Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
2- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
1- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
An elderly women wakes up one morning and finds her 16 year old dog laying on
the floor. 'Oh no,' she says 'there must be something wrong with Scruffy!' She
scoops the dog up and rushes him to the vet. Doctor doctor, please help, she
says as she puts him on the table. After a short examination the doctor says,
'I'm sorry madam but I believe your dog has died.' 'Oh but there must be
something you can do,' said the woman. 'Well there is one thing,' said the vet
as he pulled a sack from the closet near by. The vet opened the sack and placed
a scronny old cat on the table next to the dog. The cat looked at the dog and
hissed. It then preceeded to walk around the dog cautiosly, smelling and
hissing. The vet put the cat back in the bag and said, 'there is nothing more I
can do.' The old women said,'I guess you're right doctor, Scruffy hates cats and
if he wasn't dead he would surely have barked.' The vet said that he would take
care of the arrangements and the old women went home. Three weeks later the old
women recieved a bill from the vet for $338.00. The old women thought there must
be a mistake, so she called the vet for an explanation. When the vet answered
the phone he pulled out the bill and told the women that he had charged her
$38.00 for taking care of Scruffy's arrangements. The old women said,'that seems
fair but I don't understand what the $300.00 is for. 'Oh,' said the vet, 'that
was for the cat scan!'
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says,
"I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother,
"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says,
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says,
"Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says,
"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."
A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to
see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice,
'Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?' The man looked down and saw a snail
sitting on his porch. He said, 'What do you want?' The snail said, 'Could you
lend me 10 bucks?' The man yelled, 'Get out of here!' and then kicked him off
the porch. About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes
out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say,
'What did you do that for?'
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' .... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and
said," So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box
of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He
wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict
pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I
can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.
He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked,
"What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and
said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding,
swimming, roller-skating...."
A man walks into a bar and gives the bartender a proposition. He says, "I'll bet you $50 that I can put a shot glass on the floor over there and pee in it from 20 feet away without spilling a drop. But here's the catch. If I spill any, you have to clean it up."
The bartender accepts this bet and the man puts the shot glass on the floor. He then walks to the other end of the bar and pees all over the bar. He pees on the walls, the floor, people's drinks and the bartender.
The bartender cleans the bar up, all the while smiling at his newly earned $50. Then the man starts smiling.
The bartender asks, "Hey, you just lost $50. Why are you smiling?"
The man replies, "You see that guy just outside on the sidewalk. I just bet him $200 that I could come in here, pee all over your bar, and make you clean it up with a smile."
Two atoms were sitting in a bar, and the first atom says to the second atom, "I think I lost an electron."
The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golfs all day
One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day.
He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible.
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well...
except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it
didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and
asked for help. The doctor said 'Well, there's one easy solution. Before you
have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you'll last
longer when you're with her.' The next day the man gets a call from his wife
while he's at work. In a husky voice she tells him 'I'm going to ravish you when
you get home tonight. We're going to have a mammoth sex session.' The man can't
concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5:30 comes round and
he's the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife. While he's
driving he remembers his doctor's advice. So he pulls over onto a quiet road.
But he can't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he'll lie
under the car and pretend that he's fixing he car. He crawls under the car,
closes his eyes, imagines his wife naked and starts wanking. After a while he
feels something tugging at jeans and this voice says 'Sir, this is the Police,
would you mind telling us what you're doing?' Not wanting to lose this wonderful
image of his wife he kept his eyes closed and said to the Policeman, 'I'm just
fixing the axle of my car' To which the Policeman replied 'Well while you're
down there you'd better check the brakes as well, because your car has crashed
into a tree half a mile down the road!'
Two gay men were golfing one day. The first man stepped up to his ball and drove it straight down the fair-way. His partner stepped up but sliced his shot out into a deep grove of trees. The two men went to see if they could retrieve the man's ball.
While they were searching, two straight men stepped up to the same hole the other men had previously shot from. The first man hit his shot directly down the fairway and the second sliced his directly in the same place as the gay men were searching.
One gay man said to the other, when they come to look for their ball, lets tell them it hit me in the head and we are gonna sue. When the two straight guys came and asked the gay men if they had seen their ball, the one gay man said, "Your ball hit me in the head and we are gonna sue."
The straight guys said, "Screw you guys!"
The gay man then stated, "Ooohhh, they wanna settle outta court!"
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Little Tony wants a shotgun more than anything else for his
birthday. His
father promises that if he scores straight A's in school, he'll buy
him the
shotgun. So he works hard and studies every night. At the end of the
year, the
report card comes in and Little Tony got straight A's, so his father
makes good
on the promise and buys him the shotgun.
Thrilled with his new toy, Little Tony goes around town showing it
off to all
his friends until he runs into Slippery Carlo.
"Hey Slippery Carlo!" says Tony, "Check out my new
shotgun!"
"That's pretty nice," says Carlo. "But I got a new
gold watch
and it's worth a lot more money than that shotgun. But you're my
friend, so I
tell you what. I make you a trade... my watch for your shotgun."
Little
Tony thinks for a second and agrees to the trade. He takes his shiny
watch home
and shows it to his father, who shakes his head and says:
"Tony, Tony, Tony. One day you're gonna be a man. And
you're gonna come
home early from work. And you're gonna go upstairs. And you're bust
into your
bedroom and find your wife in bed with another man. Waddaya gonna do?
Say, 'Aye!
Time's up!'?"
A little boy was writing God a letter asking for a 10-speed bike. He started out, "God I've think I deserve...", He thought, God will never believe that, so he threw the paper away and started anew, "God I've been a good boy..." but quickly decided that God wouldn't buy that either. So he went to the bathroom and got a towel and laid it out on the living room floor. Reaching up to the mantel he carefully took down the statuette of Mary that he had been told never to touch. He wrapped the figure in the towel and secured the package with a rubber band. Then he sat down to start his letter for the third time, "Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
?"
Three guys were sailing, when a storm blew up, and capsized their boat. Luckily, they were right near an island, so they quickly swam towards it. On the shore, there was a giant throne with a giant man on top of it. He was surrounded by wolves.
"If you go into the forest, and find 10 of one kind of fruit, I will tell my wolves not to eat you." So the three guys ran in to the forest to find some fruit. The first guy came back with 10 apples.
"Now you must stuff all 10 up your but without wincing, or making a sound!" The guy started. He got 1,2,3 - but then started crying. The wolves ate him. The second guy came back with 10 berries. He was told to do the same thing. He got 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 - But then burst out laughing. The wolves ate him too. The 1st guy and the 2nd guy met up in heaven.
"Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" the first guy asked.
"I saw the third guy coming with an armload of watermelons!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to get lost and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
There was this pig farmer and he was a bit dumb, and he wanted to get his pigs breeding... trouble was they were all sows. He calls the vet and the vet tells him to use artificial insemenation. Well he isn't too sure about this but he doesn't want to appear stupid, so he figures it out that it means he should shag his pigs to get them pregnant.
The next day he piles them all up in the back of his truck and takes them into the bush a roots every one of them. He comes home exhausted and gets into bed.
The next morning he gets up and rings the vet to see how he can tell if the pigs are pregnant. The vet says that they will all be rolling aound on their backs. He looks out into the field and no, they're all standing around eating. Buggar!
So he packs them all into the back of his truck and takes them into the bush and shags them all again. He again returns home exhausted and goes straight to bed. When he awakens, he looks out into his field and they are all still standing around.
So again, he loads them all into his truck and takes them off and roots them. The next morning he is absolutely exhausted. He lies there, and says to his wife..."I'm exhausted, can you look out and tell me what the pigs are doing?"
So she looks out the window and exclaims "My goodness, this is the strangest thing I've ever seen. The pigs are all in the truck and there's one in the cab beeping the horn."
A young country girl gets married and moves in with her new husband. She is very naive and has never touched a man before. On the wedding night, her husband takes off his shirt, and she sees that his chest is hairy. She runs downstairs crying. She calls her mother and cries, "Mama, he has hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replies "Now, honey, he's a man. He's supposed to! Go back upstairs and have fun!" She goes back. He has taken his pants off now, and his legs are all hairy, too.
She calls her mother again. "Mama, he has hairy legs, too! It's disgusting!" she cries.
"Now, dear, men do have hairy legs. It's all right!" says her mother. She goes back upstairs. Her husband takes his socks off, and one of his feet is all mangled and deformed.
She runs down and calls her mother again, who is starting to become irate with her by now. "Mama!" she cries, "He has a foot and a half!"
"Wait right there, dear," her mother says, "I'm coming over there myself!"
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Okay, so a guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, 'If I show you
something really amazing will you give me a free beer?' The bartender says,
'Sure.' So the guy pulls out out a hamster and the hamster breaks out into a
song and starts dancing. The bartender says, 'Hey that's really amazing,' and
gives the guy a free beer. So the guy says again, 'You wanna see something even
more amazing?' And once again the bartender says 'sure.' The guy pulls out a
tiny piano, he also pulls out the hamster and a frog too. This time, and the
frog begins to sing and the hamster plays the blues, after they're done the
bartender says 'That IS amazing.' And the guy says 'Yeah I know,..' A man in a
suit, sitting in the corner was watching the whole time and says, 'That frog's
amazing, I'll buy him off you for a hundred bucks.' The guy says 'Sure,' and
sells the frog. The bartender is aghast and says to the guy,'Why'd you do that?
You could have made a fortune off that frog!' The guy says 'Can you keep a
secret?' 'The hamster is also a ventriloquist.'
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family,'Brains are
very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''Well, how much
does a brain cost?' asked the relatives.'For a male brain, $500,000. For a
female brain, $200,000,' replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives
tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they
understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked,'Why the
difference in price between male brains and female brains?''Standard pricing
practice,' said the doctor.'Women's brains have to be marked down because
they've actually been used.'
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either
physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she
put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and
there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man
alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then,
one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said
'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I
can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman
replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his
face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde.....
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde.......
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde.....
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
"Sagittarius."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde........
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she
turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde.......
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a t-shirt that said "TGIF" ...she thought it stood for "This Goes
In Front."