How and When I Became a Christian
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. My friends have always called me Dave, but you can call me Mr. Perfect! What made me so perfect? Well, for starters, I was always the nice guy. I was friendly, yet shy; refined, yet spirited. I went to school to learn rather than to cause trouble or make friends, and I was always a nice church goer. Of course I didn't need to go to church, since in my mind, I knew it all! Besides, as far as I was concerned, I was a good enough person with good enough morals to make my own way into Heaven. I had good grades, good friends... yes, I had it all! However, despite all of this, there were many times when I would face deep depression. Many times I would contemplate what would happen after I died and what the meaning of life is. Even though I went to church, I was never totally sure of my eternal destination. Confused, I would make up my own philosophies on life and invent new ideas as to what would happen after I die. The spiritual confusion I felt depressed me further. This depression would eventually lead to a long time obsession with gratifying fleshly desires through pornography as well as a fascination into the occult. By the time I was an older teenager, I was highly fascinated in such things as runes, tarot cards, incantations, and luck charms. My obsession over fantasy role-playing games didn't help this fascination any. Maybe I wasn't so perfect after all.
When I first moved to Houston, I could
not get my mind away from the glory days of the past. I found a new
church and met a few friends, but that was never enough. After a
while, church was starting to lose its flair and my depression was setting
in again, only much worse this time. I soon spent much of my weekly income on pornography as a way to deal with my increasing depression. I was starting to realize that I needed something more... that something was missing. While attending college here in Houston, I encountered a student who was sharing the gospel of Christ. I heard it, but it didn't sound any different than it ever did at church, until my new found student friend and I sat down to really discuss my faith. It turns out that my faith, small as it was, wasn't in Christ, but in myself, my church, and my baptism. No matter how good and moral a person I could be, I started to realize the reality of my sin and its dangerous and deadly consequences. It took days of studying the Bible, but I started to see that Jesus Christ was the only one who could pay for my sins and get me into heaven since He was the one who specifically died on the cross to pay the penalty for sins. I then made the decision to put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Savior. At first, I grew very quickly in Him and attended Bible studies regularly. I even made the decision to live my life completely devoted to him as a full-time missionary. However, something dreadful happened.
At one point, I got hit hard with my depression while working full-time in His service. When this happened, somehow working for Him didn't seem as fulfilling. I then started feeling more and more depressed again, and finally, I quit. My justification for leaving full-time service to God was that I'd feel more fulfilled if I'd serve Him while doing my own thing in life. At that time, I didn't realize that this decision was a purely selfish pursuit. I had allowed my emotions and my flesh to control my decisions. I should have known that something was wrong when I started slipping back into my own sinful habits, including pornography. However, my "Mr. Perfect" attitude blinded me from seeing the gravity of my situation. Finally, with some encouragement from some godly friends, I decided to return to Bible studies. When I returned to fellowship with godly, spiritual Christians, my whole perspective on life changed again. I started seeking to do God's will again and for the first time in my life, I started fully trusting in the Lord for all aspects of my life, not just my salvation. I credit this change to God's grace along with the decision to put God first in my life again and to start fellowshipping with fellow Christians who were intent on one purpose.
Now that I've returned to fellowship with God, am trusting Him, and am learning to put Him first in my life, I am noticing some incredible changes in my life. My perspective on myself has changed, in that since I know that all that I am and all that I have is an undeserved gift from God, I no longer carry my "Mr. Perfect" attitude. Also, my main goal in life is not to make friends or to get good grades or a good job, but rather to live for Him and to grow in Christ-like character. Though I still occasionally experience depression, I have found a better perspective through God's word about it, and I am now learning to deal with it. Instead of selfishly dwelling on my depressed feelings, I count the blessings God has bestowed on me and actively seek ways to help and encourage others. Also, my perspective on women has changed, as I view them not as objects of my lustful fantasies, but as beautiful creations of God, each one reflective of His wonderful creativity.
Romans 8:28 says
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who have been called according to His purpose." I now thank God that I can apply that verse to my everyday life, and every time I do, suddenly life isn't so depressing or confusing anymore. Rather, as James 1:2-4 says, I "consider it all joy...when [I] encounter various trials."
