A good long weekend off. I'm sore, but this is a good thing. Saturday and Sunday were full-on days, with Monday being a half day off. Many yard items attended to: mulching, composting, herb planting, burying the dog's ashes. The past two weeks have been pretty tough. A new piece of information from my new manager tells me that to advance any further, I will need to move to Pittsburgh. Not an energizing thought, but an obvious turn, given the current corporate circumstances.

More coming at me today. Trying to schedule interviews for contractors, finding myself being too argumentative on a couple of topics in my team meeting today. Need to step back and see where this is coming from. A waste of energy, certainly. I know where part of it comes from: It.

Rise intentionally late (7:00), as I slept terribly last night. Some unusual dreams woke me a couple times. In to work, and pecking away at the necessary items: getting expense reports taken care of, scheduling project meetings, and chipping away at the backlog of support tickets.

Up at the normal time (6:30) and out of the door by 7:00, get to work for an 8:00 conference call. Budgets. Bleah.

Some moderate progress made today. Unfortunately, I also had to schedule a bunch of time-wasters, er, meetings to see where we are on some projects.

A struggle to get out of bed this morning, the lingering effects of the long weekend (and perhaps, the wine). In to work at a reasonable time, catching up.

When I got home Thursday, and pulled up the driveway, I started to cry, after realizing that Bryn wouldn't be coming down the stairs to greet me. Throughout this week, I've been noticing the places in my body where the tears come from.

Powerful rainstorm last night. This was much needed, as all the plants in the yard were looking wilted. The lupines needed it the most, and all the stems that were drooping and crooked, are now upright again.

Day off. Return home from Spa & Inn, via the Sharpe Hill Winery.

Day off. 5th anniversary, massage & dinner.

Day off. Gardening planned for the morning, then to a weekend getaway for our 5th anniversary.

Let me tell you about a friend.

His name was Bryn. Bryn was part Chow Chow, and part a few other things. He was a very cute, energetic, intelligent, stubborn and loving dog. He was smart, and attentive, and picked up things quickly enough to get bored with them immediately thereafter. He had the right mix of characteristics for us, and what we wanted in a dog, even if he was a bit smaller than what we had planned on.

Unfortunately (and partly due to his Chow heritage, and having been a rescue from the streets of Hartford), he could also be very skittish, defensive, protective of food, and occasionally aggressive.

We could deal with this for the most part. He couldn't be around kids, but we learned to deal with this. We had to be careful about his food, and how we aproached him while eating, but we learned to deal with this. We had episodes where toys that had parts that came off might appear to be food, and we learned to deal with this. We had occasional biting incidents, mostly with me, sought to determine the source, and we learned to deal with this.

A month ago, his behavior started to decline. More of the things that used to be toys to him, were becoming like food. When walking by him with a toy, he would flatten out, get defensive, waiting for something to happen. Finally, about a month ago, he was given an toy, and when my wife went by him, he went after her feet. My wife, who he was closest to, was now not safe. And if she wasn't safe, no one would be.

We talked with our trainer, who has helped us through most of this. We have been assured that we had done everything right. We have been assured that we had done everything we could. We have been assured that had he gone to a different home, he would not have lasted six months, let alone the three years he was with us. We have been assured that when Chow's are usually put down, it's for this behavior, at the age he is now (between 3 and 4 years).

It still hurts. We still wonder if there is anything else we could have done.

We went to the vets to have our pet put down. We had a 5:00 appointment. The doctor gave him a sedative, to keep him relaxed before the final shot would be administered. She said it would take 15 to 20 minutes for him to fall asleep. Stubborn to the end, it took him 35. At least he's consistent. At 5:46 PM, May 19th, 2004, Bryn left this world.

I hope he forgives us.

Necessary day off.

Later rise this morning, after getting sucked into a deceptively simple, Clue-like game (or Cluedo-like, for the English). Spent part of the evening yesterday with our frieds at their son's room in the hospital. He's likely to be there for a few more days, as he still hasn't been keeping food down. No sense in moving him home, if there's a chance they will just have to bring him back again. Addy slept for the whole time we were there, so we got to visit with John and Marie for a while, which is good. They were happy to have friends over, as the family can get a bit panicky and twitchy when they visit.

A download of a story in the car this morning, triggered by a conversation last night about clowns. Really. Think about it: clowns are fun AND scary.

Jotted down the notes from the morning download, and headed off into the day. Quick phone call with the boss, and on to other things. Afternoon and early evening doing changes (20 today, about double the normal amount).

Ready to leave, one errand to run and I will be home.

A hard decision made last night after dinner, but a necessary one. I'll elaborate more once the action is complete, but suffice to say, this is not something either of us wanted to do, but knew at some point might have to happen.

Day Off.

Rise at a reasonable time (7:30), sit, shower and pack for my return home. After finding out the transportation schedule to the airport, I have enough time to walk for about 45 minuted, out through the park across the street towards the section of Houston I haven't seen. Nice park, plenty of walking trails and some nice spaces. Again, much cleaner than I'd expect any city to be, but this is a different city. I have a feeling there's not as much garbage lying about this part of the city for two reasons: first, it appears to be a business center, and they have a tendency to keep the area around their corporate headquarters very clean, and second, there isn't much foot traffic, with the associated discarding of whatever a person can't be bothered to carry with them to their destination.

In the park, there was a Muslim festival of sorts being set up (it reminded me of the fair at the park in Atlanta that I went to at the Level 3). A shame I won't be there to see it, as it had me interested. I found myself thinking it was quite a thing, given the current political climate and pictures of abhorrent behavior, that this group of people was gathering, publicly, in Dubya's home state. For that reason alone I would have like to attend it.

After returning from the park, invigorated by the walk, I practice for about 30 minutes, B2A, Flying Home and Hammerhead.

Uneventful flight to Chicago, but the connector to Hartford is delayed by a faulty monitor in the electronics bay of the airliner. This takes about two hours to fix, so I'll be home late. In the meantime, completed reading Footprints of God. I've actually read four books this week, more than I have in the past year.

Last day of class. I was up late last night, for some reason getting sucked into a Stephen Segal movie (and not a partiularly good one). I can't remember the name, but it probably had three works in the title, as most of his movies do (On Deadly Ground, Above the Law, Ate my Agent). It had some amusing moments, with Segal doing far less martial arts than he used to. He does look like he ate a Baldwin brother. Also finished reading Liars, by Al Franken. I wonder about my politics sometimes, if I actually have any. Sometimes, the situation makes me want to look into a political career, feeling as if there might be something I can change for the better. Then I listen to NPR, and a wave of hopelessnes comes over me. Complete hopelessness after reading about Paul Wellstone in the Franken book. I wish Al Franken, Chuck D and all the others luck in their new radio venture. They've got a lot to overcome to compete with Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly.

Today was test day in class. Idiot me didn't bring a calculator to the class this week, and this test, of all the ESI courses, has the most math (all basic, but a pain in the ass to do long hand). Thus, it took me about 30 minutes longer to complete than it would have otherwise. Still, I got a 22/25 (needed 18 of 25 to pass). I get back to the room and work for a couple hours. Once things seem to have quieted down (after noon on Friday, things tend to settle out), I decide to give it a rest. I've been in class the whole week, plus working during luch, breaks and late into the night. I allow myself the afternoon off. So, the rest of the day free, I walk the Houston tunnels to the Arts district (I had done this above ground on Monday) and ate in a neo-Japanese restaurant by the opera house. Decent food, and not too expensive, considering the location. I managed to temper my urge to order everything on the menu, which did help a bit.

Got back to the hotel room, and found the sake from lunch had caught up with me so I took a nap. After I wake, some practice, then dinner at a place called Luther's. This was a bit disappointing, as it was more of a cafeteria style BBQ place that closes at 7:00, so they didn't have much to offer. Back at the room, a call from Lisa. We talk for a while about friends whose son had a sudden onset of kidney poroblems. They were very close to losing him, as the symptoms were not more serious than the normal childhood things, vomiting, diarrhea and the like. They are very fortunate, and he'll probably be in the hospital for a bit.

Sucked into the movies again after this: Jackass, which is like watching a car wreck. I think that's the point. Disgusting and revolting on a number of levels, and utterly entertaining on others. Also, another Stephen Segal movie, Above The Law, which was of a younger, slimmer time, for both of us.

Rise twice today: once at 5:44, in response to the fire alarms in the building. I managed to get dressed and down 18 flights of stairs just in time to hear the all clear signal. The second rise was at 7:30, followed by a shower, sitting and some catch-up on e-mail from overnight.

A very good class today, dealing with precedence diagramming and other logical scheduling items. Case study went smoothly, as none of us were too invested in any one item on the plan. Actually fun doing forward and backward analysis to find critical paths. The closest to math I've done in a long time. Ironically, one of the women in the class has an exam on algebra and the like in the evening. She looks like death warmed up, due to: this class AND her regular work (which often intrudes on the class) AND her math class. If she doesn't have an ulcer, I'm very surprised.

More work after class getting caught up on things. Also feeling obligated to cover the ever-growing call queue, despite the fact that others should be able to. I'm stuck between wanting to force the person who wants to quit into doing the work (which he should be) or just talking to my boss and getting him out of here, which is his wont. In the end, it's cheaper to pay unemployment than to pay someone not to do the work.

Dinner (Mi Ga and spring rolls), then a walk back from the restaurant. It's quite a walk, about 35 minutes at a brisk pace. I remember the Concierge at the hotel telling me this restaurant is about 10 minutes away by car, and I can't walk it. On the way back I wonder: is it that I can't walk back, or that I shouldn't. Houston seems to close at 6:00 PM, so the streets (which are wider and cleaner than other cities I am used to) are fairly empty, with some car traffic, and essentially no pedestrian traffic. It's a shame, really, as the ciry os quite open, and has a good deal of planned park space, in addition to the pleaseant areas created by the buildings (gardens, sitting areas, and fountains). I'm sure there are parts of the city that aren't like this. So, relatively pleasant, but perhaps a bit sterile without the people.

Rise at the planned time (6:30), sit, shower. Post yesterday's journal and observations for AAD. Now, to practice.

A good day in class, with moments taken to bring awareness into my feet. This keeps me from drifting and falling asleep. The case study/exercise is much freer than in my past experience. None of the team is hanging on to a particular notion of what needs to be done, or that a particular answer is the only answer. The trick to these things, as I've come to realize, and the instructor clarified, is that there is no right answer. Often, this is a burden to those of us looking for one. It is simultaneously frightening and freeing to know this. Much the same could be said for everyday life.

A good dinner at a local seafood restaurant, a heck of a dessert with a port wine, then back to the room to work. A new project is in my hands, to be fully addressed after I return from my training. More things happening that are increasing my stress. I let these things pass, and focus on some clear tasks at hand. More practice on the guitar soon.

Travelling this week to Houston for project management training. A reasonable hotel, near the arts district of the city and a historical park. Arrived yesterday evening after good flight from Hartford, through Chicago. Upon arrival to the hotel, a call to the wife to let her know I'm here safely and see how her day was. Got in early enough to get dinner and do some work, then spent some time making the room my space: putting away clothes, setting up the toiletries in the bathroom, ironing and hanging shirts. A candle removes the unidentifiable smells, and brings a bit of home.

Today, I rose late, as I had set my alarm to the correct time the evening before, but didn't actually turn it on. Fortunately, as I get older, my internal clock gets me up when it knows I need to. I was awake at 6:55, 25 minutes after I had the alarm set to, and roughly the same amount of time I allow myself to lounge in the bed before actually getting up. I considered laying in until 7:00, but paused, and then made the choice to rise. Too easy to stay there.

Class today focused on review of some basic concepts of project management, and began late in the afternoon on the class subject. The instructor is interesting, and the class is a good group. Most are from one business, and while not necessarily in the same department, share the same corporate culture. This is interesting to watch in action. Another thing that is interesting to observe ismy reaction to the exercises. There is one in particular that I do not like: the case study. These usually involve an purposely outlandish business premise that we are to apply the project management principles to. The are some things I observe about the process:

- People are heavily invested in creating detail too early in the process - People are heavily invested in their ideas of what needs to be filled in on the forms - People feel the need to create detail where it's not needed - People have a personal stake in whatever they feel should be contributed, to the point where one item will be argued to death with little real end gain - This is the same in the classroom (the "ideal" world) as it is in the conference room (the "real" world) - I am sucked into this as much as anyone in the room

We end the class at the appointed time, and I return to my room. I take a few minutes to straighten some things in the room that were left undone at lunch, and then pause to make a choice: I can leave now and explore the city, or do some work and explore later. I opt to do some work, and consult with my former manager on a matter concerning and employee on my team who wishes to leave, and then my current manager regarding an employee that has taken another position. These are both fruitful. (Basically, in three days, I have been told that 2 of the 4 members of the team are either leaving or have already left.) I have asked that the employee planning to leave let our manager know, sooner rather than later, so that we can manage the transition. There are a number of projects going on, and at least one will have to be postponed to adequately staff one, and still leave us the resources to do the day-to-day work.

After this, to dinner at the Dowtown Aquarium, basically a restaurant within a large aquarium, with other features and attractions (shark tanks and the like). A good dinner, spent some time watching a large red snapper in the tank stop regularly and look out at the room. I have never doubted that animals are intelligent, percieve and feel. Times like this reinforce that sense. It didn't stop me from enjoying the sake marinated sea bass.

This section of Houston is very interesting. In the seven blocks from the hotel to the Aquarium, either side of the street and another block over, I didn't see a single shop or small stores, only a few little restaurants. It may be that this section of town isn't set up for that; there are a large number of corporate buildings and the like. This still surprises me, especially with my experience in cities where, even in these corporate buildings, there are many little stores, shops and restaurants in the ground floors (Boston, New York, San Francisco, Philadelphia). Perhaps it's the "youth" of this city. Perhaps it's just this 7 block area. I'll try to find out tomorrow.

Oh, and things seem to close early (I was told that Waldenbooks closed at 6:00 PM!)

Earlier rise today, since I'm a bit on edge for travelling this week. I leave this afternoon for Pittsburgh, then back on Saturday, out on Sunday to Houston. Hopefully, that's it for a while. To much to do at home to be out galavanting across the country.

Rise a bit early, as the cat, who was closed in the bathroom with my wife, decided after she got in the shower, that he was too terrified to stay there. Simon is an odd little beast sometimes. This comes after the previous night, when the other cat (Theo) exercised his mousing skills (he's quite adept). The problem is, he announced his triumph loudly around the entire house, and then proceeded to feast directly under our bed. Crunch, crunch!

Working to hold this week's AAD theme in front of me. This is difficult, especially if I am not in a good frame of mind: at this point, I dislike everything. Today is somewhat better.

Back in the saddle. A struggle last week with many things, mostly with myself. Physical state reveals much about my mental state: stressed, agitated and angry which translated into muscle pain in the shoulders and neck, headaches and a general feeling of being tired all the time. A moment of loss on Saturday with my wife. Slight regain in the YGP meeting on Saturday, though I wielded too much sarcasm like a club. Today, I am regaining balance, beginning things. Too much to do, but this is the way of the world now.

A conversation at lunch yesterday regarding outsourcing and the state of the I.T. industry. Fundamentally the outsourcing can be boiled down to this: cost. If it can be done cheaper somewhere else, that's what will happen. Lower cost doesn't necessarily mean lower quality, but that seems to be what happens. Also, observe the current market conditions: they are uniformly positive, yet the job situation is not. At some point, we won't keep up with the cost of living. What happens then? It's not pretty. And if you are given the "take-a-pay-cut-or-be-let-go" ulitmatum, what will you do?

At home, a quick and tasty Tex-Mex dinner from a fast-food style place. Is decent quality food, made with fresh ingredients, quickly an actual possibility? After dinner, take care of the dog, and head downstairs for some practice: SD and DiCF review (they're still available), cross picking work (a glimmer of something approached during this), and a good amount of time on Driving Force lead (72, 80, 92; clarity loss begins at 80, worsens dramatically at 92, though the transition from 16ths to 8ths seems more fluid at the higher speed). Happy hands by the end of it all.

To bed, and watching the Matrix: Revolutions special features.