Salvaged Yesterdayland Stuff!

I joined a little web community called "Yesterdayland" after reading about it in an Entertainment Weekly article sometime in the spring of 2000. It was back in the last gasp of the Pre-Registration days, when there was only the "Saturday Morning" Pop-O-Pedia section and maybe three or four forums. From then on, well into the Required Registration days, into the appearance of new Pop-O-Pedia sections and boards, and up until about a year ago, I was posting nearly every day. This was, hands down, one of the greatest websites on the Internet.
For me, at least, Yesterdayland never sucked. In my mind, it continues not to suck as I'm lucky enough to have so many good memories of the place and it's members as opposed to bad ones. I will admit that over the past year or so, it started to get a little old. Not bad, mind you just... well, there are only so many "what was the name of that show with the freaky robot girl?" posts you can take I guess. And then the site's creators just up and stopped caring about their site some time really late last year (evidently, Richard Crenner is still dead)*.
Even so, it was still an awful shock to learn that they decided to kill the site earlier this month. I can understand maybe shutting down the message boards, but why destroy the incredibly useful Pop-O-Pedia as well? Even non-members loved Yesterdayland as an encyclopedia. But what upsets me even more was that they didn't even care to warn us members. I'm very angry about that. As a matter of fact, if I didn't happen to join a mailing list set up by another member just for the heck of it, I'd have had no idea what was going on.
There is some good news. We Yesterdaylanders have made a new community, there are still some great nostalgia sites out there, and -we're just now getting to the point of this introduction- I managed to save some of my favorite old posts and memories. Here, for your enjoyment, are my picks for the best ever Gremlin Golden Moments.
on TELEVISION

"the ABC Afterschool Special" - Man, I remember watching some of these things. By the time I was old enough to pay attention, they had gotten very "disease of the week"-ish. The ones that stick out in my mind include:
"My Mom is Having a Baby!" Oh, my God, Becky. This was the first one I remember watching and I'd kill to be able to see it again. The first quarter or so was hilarious, all soft-focusy and 70's-like with cheesy music and the little girl dancing around in a field all happy cause she's going to be a big sister soon! Yay! The middle part is even more insane as the girl and her friends watch a totally whack cartoon with cute little sperm cells swimming towards a happy little egg cell. And then you have the Big Finale, where we get to watch an actual birth.
I believe that last part scarred me for life.
"Don't Touch!" This is probably the second one I ever saw; I never saw the ending and that p*ssed me off to no end. I do remember wondering if and, above all, WHY they'd ever sell "Special Body Paints", the implications being so sketchy.
"Little Miss Perfect" We had to watch this one in psychology class because *supposedly* it explained exactly why anyone would be so depressed to want to starve themselves. Instead, we ended up laughing our asses off at some poor chick pretending to puke.
"the Wave" Now this one, about cults, was actually pretty good. The ending was a killer.

"Denver: the Last Dinosaur" - I remember how this cartoon was always preceded by an "Approved by the NEA" title card. The actual show was educational in the same respect that Jerry Springer is a country singer. What are you gonna do with your pet dinosaur? Study his CAT scans or take his temperature? Nah, let's take him to the beach and the rodeo and have him sing in a rock band!
At least this show had a kicka** theme song.

"Monty Python's Flying Circus" - "This is an ex-parrot!" "Spam, spam, spam, spam..." "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!" "My hovercraft is full of eels!" "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" "Sam Peckinpah's Country Picnic!" "I'd rathuh... I'd rathuh... SING!!!" "Stoppit, that's silly!" "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!!!" "You know, I really wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK!!!"

"the Muppet Show" - Ah, Jim Henson. Gentle genius, we barely knew ye. Some great Muppet moments:
Fozzie Bear tries to outdo special guest Edgar Berman, "Who was that lady I saw with you last night? Mmmpht mmrs nmmo mmammmie, mmpht mmmzzz mmy mmmphch!"; Crazy Larry, "Did somebody say BOOM???"; Gonzo having a hard time finding volunteers for his stunts (which included hypnotizing himself, eating tires, and wrestling bricks; strangely prescient of "Fear Factor" come to think of it), "I don't UNDERSTAND you people!!!"; The mating habits and camouflage powers of the good residents of the planet Koozbane, "I never met a Foob I didn't like - especially with mushrooms and gravy"; the Viking pig take on "In the Navy"; "PIIIIIIIIGS IIIIIIIN SPAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!!"; "Veterinarian's Hospital"; "Time for a Muppet News Flash!"; Bunsen and Beaker; Electric Mayhem; and dear old Satler and Waldorf.
"Is this show cruel to animals?"
"Not as long as they don't watch it!"
"Oh-ho ho ho ho ho!!!"
Da-dant-da-dant-DANT! HONK!!!

"the New Kids on the Block Cartoon" - Oh, hell.
I'm an avid collector of New Kids memorabilia and the one place where my collection is a little thin (at the time I first wrote this; I've got most of the concerts and promotional videos but still only the one cartoon episode) is the New Kids' many videos. I used to have a whole tape of the cartoon episodes which I recorded over and it included (I am still kicking myself over this) the infamous Christmas Episode!
Actually, it wasn't that infamous but it was a tad... odd. As it happens, it was similar in story to the Christmas episode of -of all things- "Dumbo's Circus". The point was for everyone to get home in time for the holidays. Something or other happens and the New Kids end up at an orphanage ("Look, girls, we're so sensitive!") where this one little orphan kid follows them around like a puppy blabbering about miracles or something. Joey tells some kind of story about Santa Claus which leads into the cheesiest possible music video EVER for "Last Night, I Saw Santa Claus" (inarguably the cheesiest song ever to come out of a boy band ever). Biscuit, who for some reason is a more important and interesting character than any of the Kids, comes to the orphanage dressed like Santa! Everything eventually works out, we get to see some memorably awful caricatures of the New Kids' families, and in the finale the little "miracle" kid jumps into this car driven by some other guy and the car rises up and flies into the sky! Happy Holidays to all!

"the Noozles!" - I maintain that this is the most insane Animé ever to make it onto mainstream American television. EVER. No arguments.
Aside from "Winnie the Pooh: too Smart for Strangers" (see below), I'm sure this is the one show that caused the irreversible wholesale psychic damage that is the trademark of my generation. Ask an 80's kid and all they'll be able to recall outright are the cute little koalas and that annoying girl. Well, there's a lot more to this demented cartoon than that. Man, I wish this was still on the air so you could see what I mean firsthand. It really does have to be seen to be believed.
First off, you have Blinky coming to life and then going into some kind of catatonic stupor to "sleep". Sandy took this in stride after a while; I did not. Then you have Pinky, who has magical powers that allow her to disobey any law of physics you want to throw at her. She also carried around magic make-up, a strange precursor to "Sailor Moon"? And then you have Koala-wala-land.
It's innocuous name to the contrary, Koala-wala-land (or however you spell it) is the most evil, insane thing depicted in any cartoon I've ever seen. First off, Koala-wala-land is one of a few small planets suspended in this whacked out alternate dimension where there's no gravity and the different planets just sort of hover there. You have the "Immigration Patrol" or whatever it was called, and they were cute little koalas dressed something like the Gestapo who patrolled the alternate dimension in little spaceships, driving humans away. You have that weird planet or something guarded by cassowaries, who can fly cause there's no gravity and like to menace people with their huge claws. And then you have that deeply disturbing scene where Blinky takes Sandy to meet his mother... and it turns out that "mom" is this giant robot incubator thing (think of Mewtwo's cloning machine from the "Pokémon" movie and you have the idea). Poor Blinky was somebody's science project? And what was up with that final episode?

"Out of this World" - Probably second only to "Small Wonder" in the "what the heck was this show called" category. This was the show with the girl with alien powers whose mother was the lady from "Saturday Night Fever" and whose father manifested himself on Earth as some kind of magical jewel thingy. Picture seriously cheesy special effects and the "Would you like to swing on a star?" theme song.

"Pinwheel" - This was Nickelodeon's equivalent to "Sesame Street", only it was a lot more random and trippy. Memorable moments include:
The Snail Song about the "trap door that's very tricky", making "Chappie Chapau" action figures out of paper plates, Simon in the land of Chalk Drawings, Plus and Ern... *ahem*, Plus and Minus, those two irritating bugs with Valentine heart shaped wings, that radical scary green dude who lives in the basement and collected weeds (hmmm...), the creepy mime lady, the episode where the mime asks the green guy to "make me a cocoa" so he uses his magic to turn her into hot chocolate, the Gypsy lady, Emily "and my li-ttle HEDGE-hog, Humphry!!!", Bod, Hattitown, and that segment where the little girl delivers flowers to her grandmother.

"Punky Brewster" (with special focus on "the Perils of Punky") - Well, since nobody here has brought it up yet, allow me to tell of (cue scary music) the Dark Side of Punky Power.
"Punky Brewster" was a cool show because it wasn't afraid to have some scary elements in it. And every so often, there'd be an episode that'd just nail you.
The peak of this trend came in the season (I forget what number season it was) where the commercial breaks were announced by this oddly dead-serious Hugo Weaving-sounding narrator. Episodes in this season include the one where Cherrie nearly dies after hiding in an old refrigerator, the one about the Challenger disaster, and the terrifying "Changes" storyline where Henry has a near-fatal ulcer and Punky is sent to live with some mean rich lady.
And then you have the infamous "Perils of Punky" two-part episode.
This thing scared the living sh*t out of me and practically everyone I know. You don't expect to see giant spiders, dancing skeletons, dismembered (but still living) bodies, and other totally screwed up stuff on a show like "Punky Brewster". That one caught us totally off guard. But on the other hand, "Perils" has still got to be the ballziest thing ever presented to an audience that was mostly under-twelve. I'd like to see them try to re-air it, in it's entirety, to today's kids without getting any well-meaning parents panties in a knot. Go Punky!

"Ren and Stimpy" - Log, "Happy Happy, Joy Joy", Bob Clampett finally gets a fitting tribute, Nose Goblins, that episode where they end up on some other planet and transform into random strange creatures, shaven yaks, "Untamed World", "Forty-Seven MEEEEELEEE-YUN DOLLARS!!!", socks full of glue, the young Kirk Douglas, Stinky Wizzleteats, Wiley Cobb, Mr. Horse, Emperor Baboon, "Who can skip through the mud with the greatest of ease?", My Little Brother, Ask Doctor Stupid, "At last I have control of your TV set!!!", "No sir, I don't like it", the creepy old man, George... AMERICAN!!!, the cheery vericose veins song, Crocostimpy, "THE BIG SLEEP!!!", "We gotta beat it, before they let loose the marmosets!", "STIMPY, I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!"...

"Seinfeld" - Time for some free-association:
Anti-"Friends", Entertainment Weekly, the Mansierre, "No zoop for YOU!!!", never being able to look at Glamour magazine the same way again, Superman, Tweety PEZ, Shrinkage, Deloris, Kramerica, "Shining Star", "HE-LOOOOOOOO!!! La la la!!!", Chocolate Cake, the carriage ride, Bizzaro-World, "That was one MAGIC loogie!", J.F.K.'s golf clubs.

"the Simpsons" - My favorite show of all time. All my friends can bear witness that I am totally obsessed (well, at least I was pre-Season Nine). Reruns of this show helped me survive college. There is a "Simpsons" quote or episode to go with any situation.
Best "Simpsons" moments:
* - The three guys from Germany tell Homer that they're from "the land of chocolate" and Homer imagines himself prancing around in Candyland;
* - Homer eats bad chili and trips his face off (kind of a lame episode, but it had GREAT animation);
* - The whole episode about the alien; ALIEN: "I bring you love!" LENNY: "He brings love, KILL HIM!!!";
* - Itchy and Scratchy meet Poochie the Rockin' Dog!
* - Lisa drinks the water in "the Little Land of Duff" ride and turns into the Lizard Queen;
* - ANYTHING involving Ralph Wiggums;

"Small Wonder" - This is it, the disturbing show about the little robot girl. I maintain that V.I.K.K.I. will forever be the most terrifying creature ever to be on a television series. That little homunculus in her French maid dress and her monotone. AAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!
I want to stop talking about her *now*!
(And a special warning for other people scared of V.I.K.K.I., there's a significant amount of time dedicated to her on the otherwise wonderful 1985 episode of "I Love the 80s!" Beware.)

"Welcome to Pooh Corner" (with digressions into "Dumbo's Circus", ect.) - Ah, "Welcome to Pooh Corner", and by association "Dumbo's Circus". These are two examples of show's I don't particularly remember actually liking but watched every day anyway. In hindsight, those costumes were memorably scary, especially their eyes! And remember how the poor little person stuffed inside the Roo costume shuffled around? And don't get me started on "Dumbo's" acid trip puppet audience...
To make matters far worse, I associate "Pooh Corner" with the most downright unintentionally disturbing Public Service films this side of "Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue". That would be "Winnie the Pooh: too Smart for Strangers". In it, each of Pooh's friends would sing an upbeat little song ("When you're home a-lone / with no-one else a-round...") explaining some way to deal with "strangers" and then they'd cut to a video clip of kids demonstrating whatever was in the song.
You will forgive me, I hope, for being a seriously messed-up Baby Gremlin because of this thing.
In case you can't see it, and I'm willing to bet that the creator of this program didn't, there's quite a ways to go between Pooh Bear and sick, sick f*cks who hurt kids; the two don't go together very well. This extreme dichotomy messed up my sad little mind right good, and the very next day I refused to speak to anyone I didn't know. I suppose extreme paranoia is better than the opposite case, though.
I am all better now.

on MUSIC

the Beatles - Sergeant Pepper, psychedelia, Mop Tops, "Yellow Submarine", the "Abby Road" album cover, the "Ed Sullivan" performance, kitchy collectibles, the "White Album", Ringo and Paul the Beanie Babies, "Imagine", "All You Need is Love", Mr. Conductor, the "Set on You" video, "Hard Day's Night", "Let it Be" and the "Sesame Street" parody of same, and the "Meet the B-Sharps" episode of "the Simpsons"...

Madonna - Material Girls, the SEX book, the banned videos, conical bras, really bad movies, netting, beauty marks, Excommunication...

Michael Jackson - Shiny gloves, the totally wrong-headed action figure and video game and stuffed animal line, the Unauthorized Biography with LOTS of mental images I never needed, living in an amusement park, the Oprah interview, Lisa Marie, the "Thriller" video, that red jacket, moonwalking, Bubbles, Muscles, Ben, surgical masks, the nose, hyperbaric chambers, the insane "HIStory" promotional stunts, "Captain EO", Dancing the Dream, and the "Stark Raving Dad" and "A Fish Called Selma" episodes of "the Simpsons" (among other references)...

Milli Vanilli - I remember reading a music magazine a while back that had a list of the most memorable concerts of all time. Not really the BEST concerts, but the most memorable ones. Several people had written in later to notify the magazine of a glaring oversight:
"Hey, what about that Milli Vanilli concert in Connecticut when their CD skipped?"

On to Part Deux!!!
* - No offense meant to Mr. Crenner and his family and friends, this is just a running joke amoung ex-Y-L-ers.