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In our world, the only thing that stands between humanity and certain doom is a group of seven twenty-somethings called the Cool Chicks.  In a parallel universe, aliens freely roam the earth, pigs talk and people shoot lasers out of their hands.  What happens when worlds collide?
The Cool Chicks Meet the Saiyans*
(or "The End of the World as We Know It")
One day Spaz was torturing Matt.� This in itself was not so remarkable.� In fact, there was nothing remarkable at all going on in the Mericka Manor.� Empress was chasing her leprechauns, desperately trying to coax them into disarming a nasty potato bomb they'd built, Princess was going through the reports her shadow spies had gathered, Jack and Queenie were in the gym "training" and Figmeister was watching them from the control room.� That's how he  nearly missed the remarkable thing.
Something that resembled a rather large Pope-mobile suddenly appeared out of nowhere and landed roughly on the island.� Well, it certainly wasn't every day the Pope beamed down to visit, and so Figmeister activated the P.A. system.
"Hey," he said, "the Pope's outside."
"Oh no, Connor, you will NOT kill the Pope!" Empress cried, tearing off in a desperate attempt to spare His Holiness' life.�
~*~
When they got outside, however, His Holiness was nowhere to be seen.� Instead there were some rather odd-looking individuals looking around.
"Hey, is it just me, or does that guy have an extra eye?" Figmeister asked quietly.
"Holy shit, Fig, there's a big green guy over there and you're asking about a lousy third eye?" Queenie hissed.
"Even me leprechauns are scared," Empress whispered, "Connor actually ran away!"
"Curse you boy, you brought us to the wrong place!" the grumpy-looking, short man cried, rounding on the young man with purple hair.
"Oh no, the time machine malfunctioned," the purple-haired boy answered.
"Well, these don't look like androids to me!" the grumpy one answered.� His hair looked as though he'd stuck a fork in an outlet.
"Hey, ease up Vegeta," a little bald guy said.� A withering look from the grumpy one shut him up.
"What should we do?" Jack asked Queenie.� She shrugged slowly, then took a deep breath.
"Well," she sighed, "I guess we ought to try to establish what's going on here," she started forward.� "Hi, my name"s Queenie and-"
"That's far enough," the grumpy one said.� He had his arm extended, his palm toward her.� "One more step and I'll blast you."
"Vegeta, cut it out," a spiky-haired man said.� He stepped forward, waving.� "Hi, I'm Goku.� Sorry to trespass on your island, but I guess we got lost.� We were trying to jump ahead in time a little to see if we could help in Trunks' time, but I don't think we made it."
"No," the purple-haired young man said, "there's no way this is my time.� I wonder what went wrong..." he climbed back into the Pope-mobile.
"Hey," Figmeister said, "what is that thing anyway?" he started toward the Pope-mobile, but the grumpy Vegeta pointed his palm at him. "Hey, watch it buddy," Figmeister said, glaring down at Vegeta.� Vegeta smiled smugly.
"I think you ought to back off."
"Vegeta, chill out!" a woman with blue hair said, stepping out from behind the big green guy, "He wasn't doing anything, jeez!" She smiled at Figmeister.� "It's a time machine.� I built it... or I will build it... or something like that... in the future, but I had to do some repairs because we couldn't all fit."
"Well, I hardly think you helped at all, as it's broken," Vegeta sneered.
"Yeah, I'd like to see you do better!" she barked.� She turned back to Figmeister.� "Anyway, I'm a genius!"
"Me too," Figmeister said, "and I'm groovy too," he started to examine the time machine.� "Hey, let me show you guys something I built."
He loped off, and a few moments later the ground started to quake and a panel slid open.� Figmeister taxied the Hawk out of the underground hangar.�
"Oh, cool!" the blue-haired woman cried, moving toward the Hawk.� The little bald guy stopped her.
"Bulma, do you think that's a good idea?"
"Krillin, chill out!� I've never seen anything like that before and I want a look.� Besides, they seem ok to me," she pulled free and hurried over to the Hawk.�
"Well," Queenie said awkwardly.
"So, where exactly are we?" Goku asked.
"Chickago," Spaz answered, eyeing Vegeta curiously.
"Where's that?" the three-eyed guy asked.
"You know, Chickago?� America?� Land of the free, home of the Cool Chicks?" Matt asked sarcastically.
"Never heard of it," the big green guy said in a gravelly voice.
"Oh come on," Matt scoffed, "everyone knows about us, I'd bet you even know about it on Mars or wherever you come from."
The green guy made a fist and curled his lip, exposing what could only be described as fangs, but the little boy beside him spoke up.
"Piccolo's not from Mars, he's from Namek, and we haven't heard of you!"
"Forget about it Gohan," Piccolo said to the boy.
"Ha!� We're world famous crime-fighters!" Matt cried, refusing to back down.
"Well," Vegeta said, "I'm a Saiyan Prince, known and feared across the universe!"
"A what-an Prince?� And nobody's ever gone farther than the moon, ass," Spaz said.� Vegeta started forward, but Goku intervened.
"Stop it Vegeta.� Quit picking fights."
"I will not be insulted like this!" Vegeta cried, turning his back and folding his arms crossly.
"Don't worry about him, Vegeta's always in a rotten mood," a guy with scars on his face said.�
"Yeah, we've got one of those too," Queenie said, nodding toward Matt.
"I'm Yamcha, by the way," the guy with the scars said, sidling up to Queenie.
"Yeah?� I'm married," Queenie said, stepping closer to Jack.� Goku laughed and Yamcha blushed.
"So, you fight crime?" Krillin asked Jack.
"Yeah.� Not something I ever expected to be doing, but never mind."
"I know what you mean," Krillin said, rubbing his bald head, "I sure never thought I'd be fighting androids and stuff.� If I'd known that, I probably wouldn't have ever started training under Master Roshi."
Jack blinked for a few moments.
"I'm sorry," Jack said, "but I think I got lost somewhere in that conversation."
"Don't worry bro," Krillin laughed, "happens to me all the time!� So, what's your attack?"
"My attack?"
"Yeah, when you fight crime."
"Well," Jack said, trying to find a way out of the conversation, "I punch and kick and when I have to, I shoot."
"What kind of energy blasts do you shoot?" the boy asked.
"Well, I like to call it a gun," Jack said, thoroughly confused, "Why?� What's your attack?" he asked Krillin.
"Destructodisk," Krillin said matter-of-factly.
Jack just blinked again.� "What, like a Frisbee?"
"Yes, a Frisbee of death," Vegeta answered sarcastically.� Jack frowned.
"Listen," Jack said, "I'm gonna go check on Figmeister," and he walked toward the Hawk, muttering about Frisbees.
The young man with purple hair climbed back out of the Pope-mobile.
"Well, what's going on Trunks?" Yamcha asked him.
"Bad news guys," Trunks said, visibly shaken, "We are seriously lost."
"How so?" Vegeta asked.
"Well, we're not in the future.� We're in a parallel universe."
"What?" Piccolo growled.
"From what the time machine's computer can tell me... well, let's just say we'll never have to worry about androids here.� It's that different."
"Why did I let you talk me into this, boy?" Vegeta said, raising his palm at Trunks.� Before anyone could make a move, Vegeta fired a blast of light out of his palm and hit Trunks square on the chest, throwing him a few feet.
"Holy shit," Spaz cried, "that was awesome!"
"That's impossible," Queenie breathed.
"It's terrible!" Princess cried.� She hurried over to Trunks.� "Are you ok?"
Trunks blushed a little, then glared at Vegeta.� "Fine, thanks."� He stood and faced Vegeta.
"Come on Vegeta," Krillin said, "Trunks didn't do it on purpose."
"Quiet baldy, or you're next," Vegeta glowered.
"Oh man, I wish I could shoot lasers out of my hands!" Spaz clapped, "You wouldn't have a chance then, Matt!"
"Shut up," Vegeta rounded on Spaz.� "I can't stand you going on like an idiot!"
"Oh, that was not smart," Matt shook his head.� Spaz's hand went to her pocket.
"What did you say?" she asked.
"I called you an idiot," Vegeta said, "worse yet, you're a woman."
"Oh, that's it!" Spaz cried, rushing forward.� Vegeta held his palm out.� "Oh, go ahead and shoot me with your little laser then," she laughed, "it's no match for my friend!" and with that she lobbed her tie-dyed, heat-seeking, reusable hand grenade at Vegeta.� It bounced off his skull, exploding quite beautifully and throwing Vegeta ten feet, where he lay in a stunned heap.
"Father!" Trunks cried, and suddenly he began to yell, and as if laser hand-beams weren't strange enough, the Cool Chicks stood transfixed as Trunks' purple hair turned platinum blond and stood straight on end.
"Well, that's different," Queenie said slowly.
"That's why you don't drag your feet on carpets," Matt said, nodding his head.
"You're going to pay for what you did to Vegeta!" Trunks cried.
"Yeah?� Come and get me, Blondie!" Spaz laughed.� She stopped laughing abruptly when Trunks shot into the air and dealt her a blow to the solar plexus.
"He flew!" Queenie cried in disbelief.
"Oh yeah, that's the first weird thing that's happened," Fig said, walking back from the Hawk.
"Oh my gosh, is Vegeta ok?" Bulma cried, rushing over to him.� He sat up slowly, pushing her away.
"I don't need your help," he said feebly.
"Fine then," she said, pushing him back down.� She stalked off and Queenie went to help Vegeta.
"Leave me alone!" Vegeta cried, punching Queenie.� He stood up and was promptly knocked down by Jack.
"All right!" Yamcha cried, joining in against Vegeta, "I've been just waiting to hit this guy ever since I met him!"
Unfortunately his aim was a little off, and his energy blast hit Jack.
"Oops," Yamcha said, but he was prevented from saying more by Queenie's fist in his face.
"Hey!" Goku cried, "Stop it everybody!" but no one was listening.� Queenie was desperately examining Jack for signs of life, Spaz and Trunks were engaged in a boxing match, Vegeta was shooting energy blasts at Matt's dancing feet, Yamcha was staggering around, trying to clear his head, Krillin was hiding behind a rock, and Piccolo was meditating, hovering a few feet in the air.
Unfortunately, Spaz, intending to brain Trunks with her friend, overthrew and knocked Piccolo's turban right off, not to mention his right arm.
Gohan was not pleased.� Sadly for him, in his attempt to attack Spaz, he kicked Empress in the face.� Her leprechauns took an immediate and passionate dislike to the boy, and Gohan found himself being attacked from all sides with no foe in sight.
"Oh man, this is bad!" Goku cried, looking around him in shock.� He hurried over to Queenie, who was cradling Jack in her arms.� He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small green bean.� "Here, give him this."
"No," Queenie wailed, "Jack hates lima beans!� I don't want the last thing I do for him be to give him a lima bean!"
"It's a Senzu bean," Goku cried, shoving it into Jack's mouth, "It'll help!"
It might have too, if Goku hadn't gotten the bean lodged in Jack's throat, choking him to death.
"Oh, ah, sorry, I guess I don't know my own strength," Goku said sheepishly.� Queenie stood slowly, positively growling, a murderous look in her eyes.� "Just ask my wife.� This one time I accidentally knocked her through a wall, and... Hey, uh, don't worry, I can fix it.� I'll wish him back with the dragonballs, hey Bulma!" Goku cried, backing away from the advancing Queenie.
"What?" Bulma cried from her perch on top of the time capsule.
"Get the scouter out, we need to find the dragonballs.� I kinda killed somebody!"
Bulma pulled some sort of stopwatch out of her pocket. She began pressing buttons left and right.� "I don't believe it," she cried, "This Earth doesn't have dragonballs!" she cried.
"Uh-oh," Goku managed before Queenie was upon him.� She grabbed Jack's gun from his holster and raised it at Goku.� Her aim was good, but somehow Goku deflected the bullet.
And sent it careening into Princess' back.
"Oh man, I did it again," Goku said, looking quite surprised.
Figmeister's rage knew no bounds, but he was glad to say his brain was still in control, and he ran into the Hawk and prepped her weapons.
No matter what he thought of his current mental state, no one else thought he was particularly with it, because he set the torpedo's sights on Goku and fired.� It failed miserably, as Goku simply winked out.� Figmeister saw him reappear 20 feet in the air, just as the torpedo blasted half the island, killing Queenie, the little boy Gohan, Empress and probably her leprechauns, the little bald Krillin (whose rock had proved insufficient cover), Yamcha and the three-eyed guy, Matt, Spaz, and Vegeta.� Trunks, whose hair was now distinctly purple again, didn't look like he was going to pull through either.
Figmeister wondered if maybe he'd gone a little overboard.
The green guy, Piccolo, struggled to his feet, and Figmeister wondered why he wasn't bleeding, as he'd lost an arm.� Then, to Fig's astonishment, Piccolo began to yell, and another arm shot through the charred stump.� Goku flew down and he and Piccolo began to survey the wreckage.� Once the dust cleared, it was clear that there were only three living beings on the island.
And two of them were extremely pissed off at Figmeister.
"Krillin!" Goku cried, "Why does it always have to be you?"
"And Gohan!" Piccolo bellowed, "I couldn't die for him this time!"

"No! My only son!" Goku was shaking with rage and the vein in Piccolo's temple was pulsing madly. They both whirled on Figmeister, who quickly began arming all the weapons in the Hawk.  He needn't have bothered.
"Ka.... me," Goku cried, cupping his hands behind him, "Ha.... me," he brought his hands forward, "Ha!" he cried, and Fig let out a little squeak as a blinding beam of light tore through the Hawk, breaking him to pieces with it.�
~*~
"Well, we're stuck here," Piccolo said.� To Figmeister he sounded like he was talking out of the bottom of a toilet.� "The time machine's slag. I don't think Bulma could fix it... even if she was still alive."
"Yeah," Fig heard Goku answer, "I wonder if this planet has good food."
Dragonball Z... The Musical!
And Figmeister knew no more.
Now they can fistfight in Heaven too :)
(C) Charlotte May, 2000
*Dragonball Z, all characters and likenesses thereof belong to FUNimation/TOEI Animation, NOT me.
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