A/N: The challenge was to write a fic in which the author justifies his or her writing to their character(s) of choice.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Severus Snape, and all their associates are characters belonging to J.K. Rowling. I claim no rights to them, their surroundings, or their situations. Much to my sorrow.
In Which I Justify Myself to Snape
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Me: "Well, I'm hardly the first person who ever thought of pairing you with Hermione, you know. There are entire archives devoted to the idea. I just jumped on the bandwagon."
Snape: "Yes yes, and I enjoy a good piece of jailbait as much as the next dirty old Potions Master, I assure you. I do wish you'd give me more credit for common sense, however--standing in the freezing cold next to Lucius Malfoy's tomb? Hardly my idea of a good place for a prolonged snog."
Me: "Well, it wasn't as though I had you planning it that way..."
Snape: "Clearly. I'll let that one pass, seeing that you've never described my nose as 'aquiline' or tried to put me in bed with Potter." (Shudders) "I have a few choice words for that particular demented subset of this fandom when I'm through here, I can tell you. But honestly--reading Lupin to sleep? From The Silmarillion? What in blazes is a Silmarillion?"
Me: "Oh, come on, Severus. You know perfectly well Remus wasn't in on the Prank, and he didn't mean to forget his potion that one time either. Why do you hate him so much?"
Snape: (Petulantly) "Because it suits my purposes to do so, that's why. Quit trying to change the subject--you're the one who's supposed to be doing the justifying here. Though I can tell you right now, you may as well give it up as a bad job and go home. You've killed me at least twice, and that's only the beginning! Look at these, these...what is it you call them? Drabbles?"
Me: "What about the drabbles? What's wrong with them?"
Snape: "What's wrong with them? Salazar's knickers, where should I begin? Look here--you really think I'd behave so disgracefully just because Potter revealed that he'd almost been sorted into Slytherin?" (Pauses) "That part was your own invention, I hope?"
Me: "'Fraid not. The Hat really did almost put him there. It's right here in the book."
Snape: "Ah. I...see. Well. Obviously I shall have to have a very long talk with that hat. --But I can assure you I have no intention of trying to murder it. And look at this one--obsessing over lilies? I'll have you know I'm allergic to them. In fact, that same theme keeps popping up over and over again. You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I suffered from some sort of unrequited attachment to Lily Evans. Where on earth did you get that idea?"
Me: "I dunno, it just seemed like a lovely ironic tragedy sort of thing."
Snape: "Bollocks. She was a shrewish little Mudblood busybody, unhealthily fascinated with bullies and show-offs."
Me: "...and did her best to save your sorry ass when James had you wrong end up and spitting soap suds."
Snape: "...in front of half our class, including several of my dorm-mates, who would have been less than charitable if I'd accepted Evans' unsolicited assistance. She could have got me lynched by my own House."
Me: "Potter."
Snape: "What?"
Me: "Evans was her maiden name, Severus. She's been known as Lily Potter since shortly after you all left Hogwarts, remember?"
Snape: "... That's beside the point. Moving right along...ah, yes, let's discuss this little gem, shall we?"
Me: "That one? Dear, that one's supposed to be a joke."
Snape: "Kindly do not address me as 'dear.' And I see nothing remotely amusing in the prospect of having to explain to Minerva McGonagall how I allowed such a travesty to occur in my class!"
Me: "You don't think she'd see the humor?"
Snape: "Minerva's sense of humor is nearly as atrophied as my own. Be thankful you aren't prone to writing this sort of drivel about her. I'm given to understand she is flaying the skin from one of your fandom compatriots as we speak."
Me: "Duly noted." (Kicks disk containing unfinished Severus/Minerva fic further under the desk)
Snape: "Oh, and this one. I find this particularly offensive. Have you any idea how many sleepless nights I've spent contemplating the very situation you have the audacity to put forth here as entertainment?"
Me: "I didn't think it was that bad..."
Snape: "My dear deluded Muggle, I would much rather have been eaten alive than become another creature like Lupin. To say nothing of the fact that the whole premise of the story is fundamentally flawed. We'd never have been allowed to stay at Hogwarts, even if the school remained open after such an incident."
Me: "Hey, that was written on a 15-minute time limit. I was gonna expand on it and explain all that. I just haven't got around to it yet."
Snape: "Do us both a favor and brain your muse with a blunt object before it comes to that. Hmm. Here's a lovely little piece. The end of wizardkind, and you thoughtfully left me alive to see it! And the last living Slytherin, yet! Tell me, did I wrong you in another life, or am I merely the latest in a long string of unfortunates upon whom you've chosen to visit your sadistic impulses?"
Me: "Um...no comment."
Snape: "I pity whatever fandom you inhabited before you migrated to this one. Oh, and now we come to this. This has got to be the most revoltingly saccharine, sentimental, and blatantly hypocritical piece of rubbish I have ever had the misfortune to--"
Me: "Now hold on just a second! Give me some credit. I was trying to do something nice for you for a change."
Snape: "I should think my aversion to pity would be well-established by now. In any case, encouraging people to write fluff about long-stemmed roses, hot toddies, and snickerdoodles is scarcely adequate compensation for a few hundred gratuitous Unforgivables!"
Me: "So I suppose I shouldn't finish the one I'm working on where they figure out how to get the Dark Mark off your arm, then?"
Snape: "Too right you shou--beg pardon?"
Me: "Well, it's terribly presumptuous of me, isn't it. Please accept my apology, and rest assured I'll keep your name out of my fics as much as possible from now on. I've been meaning to write some more about the Weasley twins..."
Snape: "Ah...well, I didn't mean to suggest you should...that is to say, it's not presumptuous as such."
Me: "Oh, so then you're not offended?"
Snape: "..."
Me: "Need more time?"
Snape: "Ah, hell. Write whatever you want. It's not as though I can stop you."
Me: "Thanks, Severus. Tell you what, I'll see if I can't get you laid a little more often, okay?"
Snape: (Blushes) "Just...take it easy with the Crucio's, won't you?"