A/N: Inspired by this drabble at the Snape 100 Part II was born when I mentioned Part I to my AD&D gaming buddies.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his associates are characters belonging to J.K. Rowling. I claim no rights to them, their surroundings, or their situations. Much to my sorrow.
You Might Be a Redneck Wizard, Part I
You might be a redneck wizard:
If your favorite robes are made of denim...
If you use your jar of Floo Powder as an ashtray...
If your wand has a glitter finish...
If you use House Elves as clay pigeons at a skeet shoot...
If your familiar gets more O.W.L.S. than you do...
If you've ever accidentally animated the ironing board...
If you watch Quidditch in your underwear...
If your crystal ball breaks and you just set a smaller crystal ball on top of it...
If your Tarot cards have pictures of Hooters girls on the backs...
If your evil plot to take over Slytherin House involves two M-80's and a bottle of Grandma's moonshine...
If you learned to be an Animagus so you could spend more quality time with your basset hound...
If you have the only Nimbus in school with a gun rack...
If you get slapped with a Muggle Secrecy fine because you pissed off your trailer and it ran away...
If you've got a crush on Snape because he's better-looking than any male in your family...
...and several of them have proposed to you...
If you address more than three Housemates as "Cousin"...
If you've ever rewritten the rules of Quidditch to incorporate monster trucks...
If your front yard is littered with busted wands, brooms, and an old flying carpet you bought for six Sickles off some fella who claimed it was a classic...
If you thought the Golden Snitch was the blonde who ratted you out in Alchemy class for making moonshine...
If your Muggle friends invite you over for a game of Dungeons & Dragons, and you bring a real dragon...
If you've ever been arrested for Flying While Intoxicated...
If your Patronus is a Remington 3006 with a laser scope and a hair trigger...
If you board the Hogwart's Express with your child because you're both in the same year...
If Draco Malfoy calls you a Mudblood and you are flattered...
If you think you should have Hagrid's job because he just doesn't think big enough...
If you've ever paid the Whomping Willow to beat up your sister's ex...
If you thought Sirius Black came out of Azkaban looking remarkably well-groomed...
If you've ever moved your trailer and found a Troll...
If your teacup has too few leaves to use in Divination because it was mostly firewhiskey..
If you were disappointed when Harry didn't get to chug the Goblet of Fire...
If the Minister of Magic has ever accused you of lying through your tooth...
If the Weasleys strike you as aristocratic and refined...
If you suspect that Mad-Eye Moody was modeled after an uncle of yours...
If you've ever used your wand as a TV remote...
If your broomstick is held together with duct tape and Bond-O...
...and regularly sees duty as a makeshift fishing pole...
If your final project for Care of Magical Creatures was teaching a Hippogriff how to point and retrieve...
If you gave Professor Dumbledore a pair of camouflage thermal hunting socks for Christmas...
If Professor Sprout busts you for growing marijuana in Greenhouse 7...
If you've ever lost more than a week's pay betting on a Chocolate Frog race...
If your plan to help out Nearly Headless Nick involves a vise, a tow chain, a Thestral and a taser...
If you've ever written Bernie Bott's to complain that there are no Spam-flavored beans...
If you thought Dumbledore should have sent Harry a .22 instead of a sword in CoS...
If you've ever tried to roast marshmallows over Fawkes...
If you never get mail anymore because you've bagged too many owls...
If you failed Transfiguration because you chased Professor McGonagall out of Gryffindor Tower with a shotgun...
If that tattoo you got of your ex-girlfriend never shuts up...
If you got in trouble for getting the House-Elves addicted to Skoal...
If you've ever gone hippogriff-tipping...
If you missed the Quidditch World Cup because there was a big NASCAR race the same day...
If Snape deducted fifty points because you set up a still in the Potions Lab (then gave them back when you offered him a cut of the profits)...
If you looked in the Mirror of Erised and saw a fire-engine red 4 X 4 extended-cab pickup truck (with 3-inch lift and muddin' tires)...
If James Potter stopped coming around after he saw your trophy wall...
If you joined the Death Eaters for the kick-ass free tattoo...
If you yell "Riddikulus!" and your Boggart turns into a Ugo...
If Arthur Weasley raided your house because you kept lending animated Playboy pinups to your Muggle pals...
And finally...
If you want to personally defeat Voldemort just so you can brag to your hunting buddies, you might be a redneck wizard.
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Part II:
You might be a redneck wizard:
...if Elvis ever refused to let you into your bedroom because you forgot the password.
...if you adjust the tin foil to get better reception on your crystal ball.
...if you think Hogwarts is the name of a pig disease.
...if you've ever tried to buy stink bait in Diagon Alley.
...if the Quidditch finals get rained out, and you propose to settle the matter with a spitting contest.
...if you've ever inquired into how much it costs to get a Basilisk stuffed and mounted.
...if you've ever received a Howler that said, "BRING MORE BEER!"
...if you've ever brought a banjo to a wizard's duel.
...if you think Defense Against the Dark Arts means taking Alka-Seltzer after dinner at Aunt Millie's.
...if you've ever used a Bludger to remove a bad tooth.
...if you sing the Hogwarts anthem to "The Dukes of Hazzard" theme.
...if your date with Tonks ended disastrously when you asked her to imitate your sister.
...if Snape calls you an imbecile, and you have to look it up.
...if you've ever tried to organize a centaur rodeo.
...if you refer to your ex-wife as "The Dementor."
...if you and Sirius made a bundle fixing dog races.
...if all you ever find when you walk into the Room of Requirement is a bathtub.
...if you used to suck up to Professor Hooch until you found out it wasn't a nickname.
...if you've ever used a net and a Stunning Spell to catch your limit.
...if Gringott's has ever threatened to repo your broom.
...if you think there's nothing wrong with Peter Pettigrew a tray of D-Con wouldn't cure.
...if you can describe the taste of Blast-Ended Skrewt.
...if the Hat couldn't find enough in your head to Sort you.
...if you thought the Chamber of Secrets was where Salazar kept his porn.
...if you've ever been tempted to say to Hagrid, "Here's your sign..."
...if you've ever been admitted to St. Mungo's after using your wand as a toothpick.
...if your first thought when you saw Fluffy was "Would those fit on my wall?"