Dixon: Syd?
Sydney: Plant� plant go boom!
Dixon: Dude, what the hell�s wrong with you?
Sydney: Uhhh� Danny flashback?
Dixon: You know, that excuse is only going to work for so long.
Sydney: How much longer?
Dixon: I dunno. Haven�t you been pashing your reporter buddy on the rebound?
Sydney: He hardly knows you, and he told you about that?
Dixon: Man, he�s telling everyone about that!
Sydney: I know that your husband investigated people who were suspected of being KGB agents. Tell me, did he ever mention anyone by the name of Jack Bristow?
Mrs. Calder: Afraid not. He didn�t talk much about work. He wasn�t a very nice man. (pulls out photo) See? Look at him. He was a very ugly and smelly and nasty person.
Sydney: So why�d you marry him?
Mrs. Calder: (shrugs) He was also a demon in the sack.
Sydney: Ew! Wait a minute� (studies photograph) I know that man!
Mrs. Calder: You do? Then I suppose you know how good he was first hand?
Sydney: I didn�t know him like that!
Vaughn: Okay, slow down. What�s all this about your mother�s death?
Sydney: My father always told me that they were driving home from seeing a movie when some jerk rammed them off the road. They went over the side of the road, down a cliff, and into a lake. Dad managed to swim to safety, but Mum never made it. I always thought that he�d been rammed because someone didn�t like his driving, but then I found out that the guy who rammed him (pulls out a newspaper clipping which shows photos of the deceased � Laura Bristow and Calder) was Calder! It all leads me back to the same conclusion � Calder was chasing them, because he suspected Dad of working for the KGB! It�s because of Dad that my mother�s dead! (sobs)
Vaughn: �(yawns) I�m bored. You�re boring, Sydney.
Francie: So, are you going to confess that you�ve been boinking that Rachel woman?
Charlie: Francie, I want to be a singer.
Francie: �what �chu talkin� �bout, foo�?
Charlie: Ouch. I wince at your stereotypical bad grammar. I don�t like working at Wolfram & Hart. They seem evil. Eviller than most law firms. I�ve auditioned for American Idol. Rachel is my piano player � we�ve been rehearsing all this time.
Francie: �that I was not expecting.
Will: (into phone) You got the details of that numberplate I took down? (pauses) Great, you�re the best! Thanks, man! (hangs up and writes down the details)
Jenny: ztruK esiolE?
Will: You�re reading it upside down. The woman pretending to be Kate Jones is Eloise Kurtz.
Jenny: So what are you going to do now?
Will: I think it�s time for awkward confrontation #2!
Jack: Wazzup!!!
Sydney: Why are you here?
Sloane: Jack has finished his assignment out at Cover-Job Aerospace. He�s going to work in the office with us here so he can help coordinate missions under the cover as portfolio manager for Credit Dauphine.
Sydney: Wow, this is exciting. Watch as I try to contain my excitement.
Dixon: So far, so good.
Sloane: Here, this is for you.
Sydney: (opens a card that sings, �Happy Birthday.�) But my birthday was in April!
Sloane: It�s a code.
Sydney: Really? What does it say?
Marshall: We don�t know. We told you it�s a code, right?
Sydney: Oh.
Sloane: I want you and Dixon to go to London to get the code-reading device. It�s hidden in the most obvious place of all time � an art gallery!
Sydney: How is that obvious?
Sloane: Why are you always questioning my judgement?
Jack: I heard about Badenweiler. It�s terrible.
Sydney: I know that you were outrunning the FBI when Mum died.
Jack: �you do?
Sydney: Every time I think I know how horrible you really are, I find out even more!
Jack: (sighs) How do you ever expect us to have a happy father-daughter relationship if you keep on bringing up all my shameful past secrets?
Will: (knocks on door) Hello! Pizza delivery for I.C. Weiner!
Eloise Kurtz: (opens door) There�s no I.C. Weiner here� (gasps) you!
Will: Please, just give me five minutes!
Kurtz: No. (sprays pepper spray in his face and slams the door)
Will: Argh! But I hate peppers on my pizza!
Vaughn: Here, take this bug.
Sydney: Ew. I hate cockroaches. Do I have to?
Vaughn: We want to find out what the curator�s up to at the museum. That cockroach is wearing a hidden microphone. Leave it in his office somewhere. As for the code-reader, I�m too lazy to try another switch, so just give it to SD-6. We�ll get the data off the worm on the computer network.
Sydney: Okay. But what happens if the curator calls in an exterminator?
Vaughn: Then all hope is lost. I checked up on your father, by the way. He�s clean. No suspicion or anything.
Sydney: I told him that I knew about what happened.
Vaughn: Sydney, you�ve gotta keep your cool. What if you lose your temper with Sloane the way you did with your dad? That could be the end of you!
Sydney: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
Vaughn: It doesn�t look that shiny to me.
Sydney: Shinier than yours, meatbag. I grew up without a mother because of this stupid spy work. You can�t possibly know what it�s like!
Vaughn: Shows what you know. My dad was a CIA agent. He was killed in the field when I was 12.
Sydney: Oh. (awkward pause) How�d he die?
Vaughn: Buggered if I know. It�ll probably come out into the open in a few weeks though.
Sydney: Well that�s good.
Sydney: Ready to create a diversion?
Dixon: You got it. (lights up a cigar)
Museum Curator: Excuse me sir, but this is a non-smoking gallery.
Dixon: Not any more.
(Sprinkler system activates, soaking everyone and extinguishing Dixon�s cigar)
Curator: You were saying?
Dixon: I hate smug Englishmen.
Sydney�s brain: I got the code reader, but I accidentally tripped the alarm, and this passage is a dead-end! Wait, I know! I�ll hide in this steam vent!
(TEN MINUTES LATER)
Sydney: I got it. Let�s go.
Dixon: Wait, something�s different about you. Your chic green dress � it�s five sizes too small for you! It was only two sizes too small for you when we came in here!
Sydney: I don�t wanna talk about it.
Simon Cowell: You suck.
Random Auditionee #42: Awww�
Charlie: We�re next. Wish us luck guys.
Will, Sydney, Francie: Good luck Charlie!
Amy: Go get �em!
Charlie: �what are you and your radioactive hair doing here?
Amy: (shrugs) I guess J.J. decided this scene wasn�t bright enough.
Kurtz: (into phone) I�m sorry I sprayed you. They paid me to tell you I�d been having an affair with Danny, and I needed the money to get my car fixed.
Will: I know a really good mechanic, if it helps. He�s cheap too. I�ll give you his number.
Kurtz: Thanks, that�d be great.
Will: Wait a sec, why are we talking about your car? I want to talk about Danny!
Kurtz: Oh, for goodness sakes. Isn�t it obvious something terrible is about to happen to me? That car�s going to be your next clue, dumbass!
Charlie: So, whaddya think?
Cowell: TOUCHDOWN!!! (sirens wail and fireworks go off)
Paula Abdul: �touchdown?
Cowell: What? What�s wrong with touchdown?
Abdul: You�ve been hanging out with that idiot Idol judge from Australia, haven�t you?
Cowell: �maybe.
Sydney: Ow! What did that code reader just do to me?
Marshall: It took a sample of your DNA tissue.
Sydney: That hurt!
Sloane: This is how they apparently read the codes. It would only be accessible to someone who had the correct DNA.
Sydney: My finger�s bleeding now!
Sloane: Someone get her a band-aid.
Marshall: (sings) Feed the wooooorld! Let them know it�s Christmas time!
Sloane: Not that kind of band-aid. These codes were addressed to some dude named Parkishov, but he�s dead. That should make it easier to get his DNA, but unfortunately, we don�t know where he�s buried.
Jack: This guy is named Shepherd. He�s the assassin who killed Parkishov. He�ll be able to tell us where he left the corpse.
Sydney: And what if he cremated him?
Sloane: You and your what-ifs are beginning to get on my nerves.
Sydney: Sorry. So where�s Shepherd?
Jack: He checked himself into a mental bin in Romania.
Sydney: Oh great. Only the real hardcore villains come out of Romania.
Sloane: Like who?
Sydney: (counts off on her fingers) Dracula, the Antichrist � if you believe the teachings of Dr. Tim LaHaye, at any rate. I don�t think I need a third.
Jack: Shepherd was a sleeper agent. He was trained to kill, and then to forget what he did. He was programmed to remember and forget whenever he heard a specific phrase.
Sydney: Why didn�t they just train someone with Alzheimer�s?
Sloane: Shut up. We�re sending you in with Agent Fisher.
Sydney: Who?
Sloane: Look, you�re the one who wanted me to stop calling people random-expendable-this-and-that!
Jack: You have no idea what really happened!
Sydney: Then tell me!
Jack: I can�t! You don�t have clearance!
Sydney: I don�t have clearance to hear how my mother died?!?
Jack: That�s right. Look, maybe it�ll all be exposed in a week or two�
Sydney: That�s too long! I wanna know now!
Will: (knocks at the door) Hello, Miss Kurtz? (door swings open, and he walks in.) Huh.
Will�s brain: No-one here. Or anything, either. The whole place is empty.
Will: Did she paint recently? I don�t remember the walls being white� or white with red specks, either.
Will�s brain: You take your time.
Will: Huh? (embarrassingly long pause.) Ohh.
This Week�s Random Evil Doctor: So why are you admitting her to our facility?
Fisher: She�s a raving psychotic. She thinks that she�s some kind of secret government agent, and that her boss killed her fianc�!
Sydney: But he did!
Fisher: Total loon.
T.W.R.E.D.: Obviously. Okay, I�ll throw her in here with our other nutbags.
Marshall: Oh no! There�s a hacker on our network! They�re downloading all the files off the server!
Sloane: (stands up, makes a dramatic pose, as if hoping the wind would blow his hair dramatically, but the low level A.C. doesn�t stand a chance) Someone get me my shovel. I have a mole to find.
Shepherd: Who the hell are you?
Sydney�s brain: Okay, now what was the trigger phrase again? Oh yeah!
Sydney: I loved you in The Mummy Returns!
Shepherd: RRAAAAAARRRR!!! (leaps across the table and grabs at her throat) Why doesn�t anyone ever remember my roles in movies where I didn�t play a complete idiot?!?
Random CIA Flunkie: Hey, where�s Vaughn?
Weiss: Everyone always wants to know where Vaughn is! No-one ever asks about poor old Weiss! (mopes) I�m so unloved�
R.C.I.A.F.: Uh-huh. So where is he?
Weiss: He�s our representative at the funeral of those agents we sent to their fiery doom last week.
R.C.I.A.F.: Oh. Well when he gets back, you better tell him that the loony bin where you sent Bristow is run by K-Directorate.
Weiss: Well that�s just great. You don�t think you could have told us that before we sent her in?
Sydney: Fisher, why won�t you answer me?
Sydney�s brain: Could it possibly have something to do with that bloody gash across his throat?
Sydney: Maybe. I�m beginning to wonder if I�m dealing with another evil doctor who never went to medical school.