Last Week�s Random Bodyguard: You again.
Sydney: Err� (acts high) Dude, let�s go hug trees and stuff!
L.W.R.B.G.: Not as convincing without the hippie costume.
Sydney: Oh. In that case� (jumps down a convenient sewage tunnel)
L.W.R.B.G.: Aww� who put that there?
Sydney: (into phone) It�s me.
Dixon: Jesus Christ Syd, where have you been?
Sydney: Lying unconscious in a puddle of sewage.
Dixon: Hmm. Either your hypersomnia kicked in again, or you went to one hell of a party. And you didn�t invite me! Wah!
Sydney: Dixon, has Patel arrived yet?
Dixon: He just showed up. Something in his chest just set off the metal detectors. Did he get a pacemaker as well as having his stomach pumped?
Sydney: Not quite. They put a bomb in his chest.
Dixon: That doesn�t sound like a very effective pacemaker. Hey, we should report them. Doctors in L.A. get sued over less than that.
Sydney: Dixon, work with me here. The bomb was small, so it�s probably remote. That means they can�t blow him up unless they�re close enough. Get him out of there through the back, I�ll have a vehicle waiting.
Dixon: But� but� medical ethics and standards�
Sydney: Would you shut the hell up about that already?!?
Dixon: Patel-san, I love your work. (smack!)
Patel: Oh, thank you sir. (thuds)
Dixon: I�m taking him to safety. Trust me on this.
Bodyguard: (looks up from magazine he�s reading) Huh? Oh yeah, whatever. (continues reading)
Sydney: Let�s see now� we�ll have to anaesthetise him before we pull the bomb out of his chest, so we�ll need a vehicle that has syringes handy. Hmmm. Taxi or ambulance?
Dixon: Don�t worry, as long I have a nice, quiet fifteen or twenty minutes to do this carefully, I can get the bomb out.
Sydney: The terrorists are chasing us!
Dixon: I brought that on myself.
Terrorist #1: (in car chasing ambulance, checking remote range) Get me clos-aire!
Terrorist #2: (giggles) Your French accent makes me laugh. ^_^
Dixon: I got it! (pulls bomb out and writes, �Return to Sender,� on it, then throws it out the back.)
Terrorist #1: Hey, we�re in range now! (pushes red button)
KER-BLAMMO!!!
Terrorist #2: Ow, ow! Fire hot!
Vaughn: You did a good job saving Patel, but I�m going to pick a fight with you anyway.
Sydney: Oh yeah? Well you�re a big ol� bed-wetting doodie-head!
Weiss: The sexual tension between those two is overwhelming.
Sydney, Vaughn: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
Weiss: Eep.
Vaughn: Here, I copied your dad�s file, since he won�t make time to answer your questions.
Sydney: Ooh, and I thought you were the goodie-goodie spy!
Vaughn: Hey, I rebel all the time! Today I�m wearing my undershirt inside-out!
Sydney: Whoa, you are a rebel!
Francie: Can we have a Halloween party?
Sydney: I dunno... will we have to decorate the entire house with pumpkins?
Francie: Oh hell yeah!
Sydney: Okay then!
Will: Do I have to wear a costume?
Francie: Yeah! �wait a minute, why are you here at the college?
Will: Err� I�m investigating! Yeah, for a story!
Francie: What story would that be?
Will: Umm� look behind you! A three-headed monkey!
Sydney, Francie: Where? Where? (turn around)
Will: (runs like hell)
Will: Man, I can�t believe how many Kate Jones� there are in the college� hey, are you Kate Jones?
Kate Jones #1: Yes.
Will: Did you know Danny Hecht?
Kate Jones #1: No.
Will: Dammit.
Sloane: This is a photo of this week�s random evil medical corporation. A dude named Shiller has contacted me, wanting extraction from it. He�s offered us the vaccine for laughing gas he�s been working on in return. This is the last known photo of him � unfortunately, it was taken in 1982.
Marshall: I�ve been working on our computerised aging program to try and get an idea of who you should look for, and according to this, he should look a little something like� this. (reveals computer monitor to show Shiller�s 1982 photo, with �20 Years Older,� stamped over the top of it in bold, red letters.)
Sydney: That�s helpful.
Marshall: Check this out � this business card I�ve made will do all your hacking for you. Stick it on the monitor and it�ll think you�re the security operator of the corporation. Then get Shiller to upload the vaccine information to our website.
Sydney: www.evil-agency-pretending-to-be-the-C.I.A.com?
Sloane: That�s the one!
Dixon: So, I�m invited to the party this time?
Sydney: Are you still on about that?
Jack: Sydney, sorry about dinner the other night.
Sydney: That�s okay. You already told me your lame excuse.
Jack: I�m going to play that same lame excuse card for the next few months, if you don�t mind.
Sydney: Fine. By the way, you owe me fifty bucks for dinner.
Jack: Fifty bucks?!?
Sydney: I ordered for two people.
Jack: Was this before or after I called?
Sydney: After.
Jack: Grrr�
Will: Hey, are you Kate Jones?
Kate Jones #5: Yes.
Will: Did you know Danny Hecht?
Kate Jones #5: No.
Will: (sighs)
Vaughn: How do you like this abandoned shed I�ve found for our secret meetings?
Sydney: Very romantic.
Vaughn: Really?
Sydney: No. What�s my countermission?
Vaughn: This is agent Fake Shiller.
Agent Fake Shiller: Hello.
Sydney: �sup?
Vaughn: We�re going to pull the ol� switcheroo. Take Fake Shiller to SD-6, and we�ll take the real Shiller to the CIA.
Sydney: Finally, we�re depriving SD-6 of info instead of just copying everything they get!
Vaughn: You bet. You�ll upload the data to our server instead. Here�s a disk of decoy files you�ll upload to SD-6. Any questions?
Sydney: Yes. How is it that we always know where to meet when you ring, when all you say is, �Joey�s Pizza?�
Vaughn: Shhh! Do you want to open up a plothole?!? Those things are like the Bermuda Triangle!
Will: Are you Kate Jones?
Kate Jones #37: Yes.
Will: Did you know Danny Hechte?
Kate Jones #37: Yes.
Will: Really?
Kate Jones #37: No.
Will: Sunnuva�!
Sydney: My itinerary really sucks lately! Taipei! Taipei again! Spain! Germany! Spain again! Sao Paulo! And now Germany again!
Shiller: Who are you, and why are you complaining to me?
Sydney: Shut up and put on this gas mask.
Shiller: Is your partner about to vent gas into the building?
Sydney: (rolls eyes) No, I want us to do Darth Vader impressions! Just do what I say, will you?
Sydney: (into com) Dixon, I think someone�s following us. I�ll try to lose them in the parking garage. Meet me around back.
Dixon: Okay.
Shiller: Oh no! Someone is following us!
Sydney: Relax, it�s just Fake Shiller.
Shiller: Oh. �wait a minute, what?
Shiller: I wanna talk to Sloane.
Vaughn: But he�s evil! And a liar! And smelly, too!
Shiller: You�re no aromatic fragrance yourself, Sonny-Jim. How do I know that it is not you pretending to be CIA?
Vaughn: Blind faith?
Shiller: Surely you can do better than that.
Weiss: Oh-ho, SD-6 took the bait!
Sydney: What bait is that?
Weiss: You uploaded more than just dummy files to their website. One of the programs they opened contains a worm. We now have access to everything on their servers.
Vaughn: It was my idea! Aren�t I great?
Sydney: You�re smarter than you look.
Vaughn: Thanks! �wait, what�s that supposed to mean?
Marshall: (accessing the fake vaccine files) This is very exciting!
Sloane: Go tell analysis.
Marshall: (bursts into the Analysis Department) This is very exciting!
Random Analysis Techie: Uhh� kay?
Sloane: You have selected Briefcase #24! Will it contain the $200,000 prize?
Agent Fake Shiller: I dunno. Will it?
Sloane: I�ll tell you, but only once you�ve told me where to find the plant.
A.F.S.: �the plant?
Sloane: Yes, the plant.
A.F.S.: Uhh� I don�t suppose you mean that cactus in the corner, do you?
Sloane: No. No, I don�t.
A.F.S.: Darn.
Sloane: Your report said that Sydney got you to meet out the back of the car park instead of the agreed rendezvous spot.
Dixon: She said she was being followed.
Sloane: Did you see anyone following her?
Dixon: No. But then, I wasn�t behind her.
Sloane: Good point.
Sydney: Hi! Welcome to our Halloween party!
Dixon: (singsong voice) You got in trouble! You got in trouble!
Will: (into phone) Are you Kate Jones?
Kate Jones #4247: Yes.
Will: Did you know Danny Hecht?
Kate Jones #4247: Yes.
Will: You better be on the level, missy! If you�re lying, I�ll be so pissed!
Kate Jones #4247�s brain: Does he suspect me already?
Sydney: I have to talk to Shiller. Sloane�s asking Fake Shiller where some plant is!
Vaughn: Hmm. Makes sense.
Sydney: Why? He thinks he�s already got the vaccine info!
Vaughn: It took Shiller 5 years to go from vaccine code to the final product. Sloane must want to skip that step.
Sydney: Lazy bastard.
Sydney: Arvin Sloane is evil, he has nothing to do with SD-6! He killed my fianc�, and unless you tell me where to find your inhaler plant, he�ll kill Agent Fake Shiller too!
Shiller: Good! I didn�t like that man! He was too fat to be me!
Sydney: We�re doomed�
Sydney: You know what�s going on with SD-6, right?
Jack: Yes, Agent Fake Shiller is a friend of mine. How can I help?
Sydney: The real Shiller told me where the plant is. You have to make it look like the info came from Fake Shiller.
Jack: I have the perfect opportunity! Sloane�s asked me to come in and torture the information out of him!
Sydney: (gapes) You torture people?!?
Jack You shitting me? It�s one of the perks of the job!
A.F.S.: Oh thank God you�ve come to rescue me, Jack!
Jack: Shut up! (punches him in the stomach)
A.F.S.: Owww!
Jack: (grabs and twists his arm) Pretend to give me the location! It�s Badenweiler! (snaps his arm)
A.F.S.: AAARGH!!! But I can�t pronounce that word!
Jack: Oh, for the love of all things good and sticky�
Sloane: The plant Shiller located for us must be destroyed.
Dixon: Why?
Sloane: Well� it�s run by Nazis!
Dixon: Ooh, they are so going to go boom!
Sloane: Oh, and while you�re there, would you pick me up the inhaler prototypes please?
Sydney: Aha!
Vaughn: We�re going to send in some random expendable CIA agents. Whilst Dixon prepares the explosives, you�ll grab the inhalers, rendezvous with the team and exchange the inhalers for duplicates they�ll have ready. Then you can disarm the bomb so the team can investigate the plant more without going ka-blooie.
Sydney: So when Dixon tries to blow the place he fails, and by then security�s coming, so we can�t go back in.
Vaughn: You got it.
Sydney: By the way, you suck. There�s a page missing from my dad�s file.
Vaughn: Yeah, I noticed that too. A reference to some dude named Calder. Did you know he was FBI?
Sydney: Dad worked for FBI?
Vaughn: Nope. Could be they were investigating him for selling secrets though.
Sydney: Ooh, the plot thickens.
Kate Jones #4247: Oh yeah. Danny and I were having an affair. We did it in every position, in all sorts of locations. Let me give you all the filthy, filthy details�
Will: (sneezes)
K.J.: Bless you.
Will: Hmm? Oh no, it�s just that I�m allergic to bullshit.
K.J.: Excuse me?
Will: You caught a flight to Sao Paulo last week. I got your credit card number, and from that, your Social Security number. So if you died in 1973, then what the hell�s going on here?
K.J.: I have to go. (flees)
Will: Wait, I just wanted to ask you out for coffee! You�re a very attractive corpse!
Sydney: Here�s the inhalers.
Random Expendable CIA Team Leader: Cool, here�s the fakes. So you�re Bristow, huh? Vaughn mentioned you. He likes you.
Sydney: Oh yeah?
R.E.C.I.A.T.L.: Oh yeah, he totally wants to bone you. I can see why.
Sydney: I�d advise you to shut the hell up if you want me to disarm that bomb.
R.E.C.I.A.T.L.: Whew, touch-ey! Me-ow!
Dixon: What took you so long?
Sydney: Eh, girl stuff. You wouldn�t understand. Blow the plant up already!
Dixon: Right-o. (pushes red button. Then pushes it again. Then pushes it a couple more times, then repetitively mashes it with his fist)
Sydney: Ahh, the wonders of modern technology. Did you check the batteries?
Dixon: No biggee. I brought a secondary detonator.
Sydney: Why?!?
Dixon: It seemed silly to have nothing else in my backpack. I wanted to add some weight. (pushes red button #2)
KA-BLOOOOIEEE!!!
Sydney: (gapes in horror)
R.E.C.I.A.T.L.: Wheeeee, look at me! I�m flying! Temporarily flying!