Sydney: I hope you�re ready to change your name.
R.AY.U.G.: Huh?
(Sydney tosses the core into the air, beats the living snot out of R.A.Y.U.G. and catches the core before it can hit the ground.)
Random, Living-Snot-Beaten-Out-Of Guard: �owwie.
Literature Teacher: Sydney, this is unacceptable. You know that I don�t accept late papers.
Sydney: I�m sorry. I dropped a ball of plutonium at my feet yesterday, and I think it did something to my brain. I completely forgot to email it to you.
L.T.: Tell it to someone who cares, kiddo. Best I can do is give you partial credit for the most original excuse I�ve ever heard. Way better than, �My plane got cancelled and there was a blackout.�
Sydney�s brain: (mental smirk) Who says I can�t tell the truth without giving away my secret double life?
Francie: I think Charlie�s having an affair!
Sydney: Toldja he was evil.
Sloane: Guess what, guess what? That funky-looking doo-dad you brought back from Taipei was designed by a dead white guy by the name of Milo Rambaldi.
Sydney: Rambaldi? Never heard of him.
Sloane: Well get used to hearing that name, because it looks like he�s going to be involved for however many seasons we can get out of this show. He lived in the 15th Century, blah blah blah, was the pope�s chief architect, blah blah blah, executed for his crazy ideas which include designs for things like transistor radios and cell phones.
Dixon: In the 15th Century?!?
Sloane: Seems Rambaldi was a prophet. I thought he was just full of it myself, but then I saw something that convinced me he was genuine.
Sydney: Which is?
Sloane: (turns his computer monitor around to show them) He created his own web site, which still exists today.
Marshall: Wow. Rambaldi.com. Neat!
Sydney: This is weirding me out.
Sloane: Check this out. He wrote binary code too.
Sydney: �1 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 1 1 1 0� 2?� So what does it say?
Marshall: Roughly translated? �All your base are belong to us.�
Sloane: It�s incomplete. The second half of the code is being held by this week�s random-guest-supplier. He was going to sell it to us nice and cheap, until someone tipped him off to its value � thank you very much Marshall!
Marshall: Eh he he� (weak grin)
Sloane: So now I�m sending you two in to his place in Madrid to steal it. It�s more fun that way anyhow.
Dixon: For you, maybe.
Sloane: Be careful. We�ve heard that K-Directorate is also onto Rambaldi, which means they�ll probably try to grab the code too. Chances are, they�ll send in your nemesis who we have yet to mention in the show, Sydney.
Sydney: Oh great, just who I didn�t want to see.
Marshall: I�ve got a remote modem here for you to use to bypass the security, and this little beauty you can use as a distraction by breaking a window with it.
Dixon: Sonic wave emitter?
Marshall: Nope, Sloane still won�t give me a raise. But this handy brick should do the job.
Sydney: (hangs up phone) Darn.
Will: What�s up?
Sydney: Oh, that was Danny�s landlord. She found a box of his stuff in the garage and I don�t have enough time to go pick it up before my flight to wherever it is I�m pretending to go this week!
Will: You want me to pick it up for you?
Sydney: Oh, would you really do that for me?
Will: I�d do anything for you!
Sydney: Well then while you�re at it, could you mop the floor, paint my room, clean out the attic, knit me a sweater� (phone rings) and answer the phone?
Will: Sure. (answers phone) Sydney and Francie�s apartment.
Vaughn: Oh, so you�re not Joey�s Pizza then?
Will: (hangs up) Mmm� pizza�
Sydney: About time. I have to take a walk. Stay out of my underwear drawer!
Will: Aww�
Vaughn: So what can you tell me about Anna Kournikova?
Sydney: She�s a Russian who works for K-Directorate, another evil agency like SD-6. They�re SD-6�s main rivals. Last year I met with a guy who had intelligence for me. Anna recorded the entire conversation, then killed the guy by stabbing him through the head with a tennis racket. She just wanted an excuse to point and laugh at me.
Vaughn: Rough.
Sydney: Meh. Well, I�ll see you when I get back, I guess.
Vaughn: Nope. Apparently Devlon agreed with you when you said I was too young for this handler gig. They�re assigning someone else in my place.
Sydney: Oh. So who�s the new guy?
Vaughn: A senior operative called Lambert. He sucks.
Sydney: I look forward to meeting him with great optimism.
Sydney: Okay, my hair colour has changed yet again, Anna Kournikova just stole the code I came here to get, and security guards are chasing me. Sucks to be me, huh?
Dixon: There she is, up there!
Sydney: Nice gun. Gimme!
Dixon: No! My gun!
Sydney: I said gimme! (snatches and shoots the strap on the code box Anna is carrying up a ladder. It drops to the ground, right beside them. Anna, who�s three stories up and climbing, can�t reach it. She makes a tennis-player grunt and continues her escape.)
Dixon: Nice going Syd, you let her get away! If you�d killed her, she wouldn�t be a problem for us any more.
Sydney: Meh, she doesn�t scare me.
Dixon: Okay, but if she shoots me or anything, you owe me a beer.
Danny�s landlord: It�s so terrible how that young man was killed. I�ve been scrubbing for months, but I still can�t get the blood off the wall!
Will: (distracted my the flash of a red light camera at the intersection outside) Yeah, terrible� hey, how long�s that traffic camera been there?
D.L.: How should I know? Who pays attention to those kind of things?
Will: Me, apparently.
Sydney: Man, that trip was exhausting. Ooh, I know! Let�s act on that sexual tension between us by eating ice cream and sharing a tequila-inspired kiss!
Will: The kind followed by an awkward silence afterwards?
Sydney: You�d better believe it!
Will: I�m in!
Will: (into phone) Okay assistant, what have you got for me?
Jenny: I have a name, you know.
Will: Uh-huh, that�s great. Gimme info.
Jenny: (sighs) Fine. I couldn�t get any photos from that camera on the night of Danny�s death � there was a blackout for an exact mile radius of that place.
Will: Ooh, suspicious. Hah! Then it�s settled! I�ll do the exact opposite of what Sydney asked me to do, and investigate Danny�s murder! That�ll make her love me!
Jenny: Lame.
Lambert: Hi. I�m your new handler.
Sydney: You asked me to meet you just so you could introduce yourself?
Lambert: Well, I saw the picture in your file, and I wanted to drool over you in person.
Sydney: Vaughn was right. You do suck. Do you realise what SD-6�s security section will do to us if we�re caught?
Lambert: Ooh, naughty. Danger makes me hot.
Sydney: Yee gods.
Sloane: We couldn�t open the code-box. Apparently it�s rigged to explode unless opened with the correct key � which Anna Kournikova has.
Dixon: I told you. You should have killed her.
Sydney: Shut up!
Sloane: I was going to get you to infiltrate K-Directorate and steal the key, but your dad convinced me the idea was dumb.
Jack: There�s no telling how badly your hair could get messed up during such an operation. Instead, we�ve arranged for you and Anna to meet and open the box together. K-Directorate doesn�t know it�s only half a code inside, so we still win.
Sydney: But what if she stabs me in the head with a tennis racket?
Sloane: Then we�ll sue.
Sydney: Yeesh, I�m feeling the love in this room.
Sloane: We�re sending you to a stadium in Germany to meet.
Sydney: (whines) But that place is full of Germans!
Sydney: Dad, please. I need to know the truth about how Mum died.
Jack: Okay, okay, so she wasn�t taken away by the boogie man! Last time you asked me, you were eight years old! Would you believe a car accident?
Lambert: Here�s a two-way earpiece. Read the code aloud when you open the box, and we�ll get it as well as SD-6.
Sydney: Cool. But what�s this?
Lambert: It�s a time bomb. I want you to stick it to Kournikova and splatter her all over the place.
Sydney: Are you nuts?!? There�ll be snipers with tennis rackets there! You�re the worst handler ever! Tell the CIA that if they don�t make Vaughn my handler again, they can go screw themselves.
Lambert: Vaughn�s a junior officer! He still has acne, for christ�s sakes!
Sydney: Then promote him.
Lambert: But that would involve a whopping salary increase and a shiny new company car�
Sydney: (icy glare)
Lambert: Okay, okay! I�m going!
Francie: (into phone) Charlie is having an affair! I found some girl�s number written on his underpants!
Sydney: I already said this, but I told you so!
Sydney: (into comm) Please don�t be Lambert.
Vaughn: Gladly. Thanks for the whopping salary increase and a shiny new company car.
Sydney: That�s okay. You have to be my chauffeur from now on though, �kay?
Vaughn: Wha?
Sydney: C�mon, fair�s fair!
Vaughn: (sighs)
Anna: So, how come you still work for the people who killed your true love?
Vaughn: (listening in satellite surveillance station) Hey, I�m not dead! Tell her I�m not dead!
Sloane: (listening in his office) Hey yeah, why is she still working for us?
Jack: Stop being so suspicious.
Sloane: Did you tell her the truth about her mother�s death?
Jack: No.
Sloane: I don�t think lying to your daughter is going to help your relationship�
Jack: Leave me alone!
(Anna and Sydney open the box together, and gape at what�s inside.)
Sydney: �oh, doodlebugs.