Vaughn: (sings) Walkin� in Memphis� walkin� with my feet ten feet off of Beale�
Sydney: (sniffles)
Vaughn: What?
Sydney: My fianc�e used to sing that badly�
Sydney: Listen buster, the only way we�ll get this done is my way. I�m calling the shots here!
Vaughn: You?!? You only just joined the CIA � I�m your handler, you�ll do as I say!
Sydney: Aren�t you a junior officer?
Vaughn: I�m higher ranked than you are, Miss Poopy-head!
Sydney: Dum-dum!
Vaughn: Look at this map showing all known links to SD-6! Now do you get the picture?
Sydney: Wow. That�s a big list.
Vaughn: And it keeps growing. This is not about cutting off an arm of the monster, this is about killing the monster!
Sydney: �monster killing? I think you�re on the wrong show, buddy. Get transferred over to Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel.
Vaughn: (mopes) Way to ruin my big dramatic speech�
Vaughn: Okay, now to complete the illusion that you�re really donating blood in this van instead of plotting SD-6�s demise, we�ll need to drain some blood from you.
Sydney: Couldn�t you just slap a smiley-face band-aid on my arm and be done with it?
Vaughn: Yes. But your whining�s been annoying me all afternoon, so now I just have the urge to stab you with a needle.
Sydney: Meanie.
Sydney: Thanks for letting me move in with you.
Francie: No problem � just one question. Why�d you wait until three months after Danny�s death to decide to move?
Sydney: I dunno. Maybe J.J decided that he couldn�t fit it into the first episode, what with everything else that happened.
Francie: Hey yeah, maybe that�s what happened to my law-school-graduate boyfriend!
Sydney: Hmmm. Lawyer, eh? So I guess you�re an evil boyfriend, huh?
Charlie: Am not! But I just got offered a job at Wolfram & Hart!
Sydney: Definitely evil.
Sydney: Will! Why are you rummaging through my underwear drawer?
Will: Errr� I was� ooh, I know! I was looking for my sister�s passport.
Sydney: I gave that back to you yesterday.
Will: Oh yeah. Darn. Hey, are you ever going to tell me what that was all about, anyway?
Sydney: Maybe in about 20 weeks or so.
Will: (whines) But I wanna know nooooow!
Marshall: Err� Sydney� I�m not entirely sure how to say this�
Sydney: Marshall, you can tell me anything!
Marshall: In that case� (censored filthy fantasy involving Sydney, sex, ice cubes, and goats)
Sydney: Eww! I was expecting something more along the lines of, �Welcome back, sorry about your fianc�!�
Marshall: Me too. You kinda threw me with that whole, �You can tell me anything,� bit.
Sloane: I want you and Dixon to retrieve a stolen, twenty-year old file for me. This week�s guest villain is about to buy it from some dude.
Sydney: What�s in the file?
Sloane: If I knew that, I wouldn�t need the file, now would I? Idiot.
Marshall: Yes?
Sloane: No, not you Marshall. But whilst you�re here, tell these two lunkheads what you�ve got for them.
Marshall: Ooh, fun! Okay, I�ve got something here you can use to make your enemies fall asleep!
Dixon: Handy. Some kind of technical device you�ll implant in a convenient ring or something?
Marshall: Naah, I don�t have the budget for that. Just use this bottle of chloroform. Or if that doesn�t work, try this baseball bat.
Sydney: I do like to smack people around with a heavy piece of wood.
Marshall: Baseball bat it is then.
Sloane: Sydney, before you go, I want to show you something. It�s one of my most valuable tools for the work we do.
Jack: Hello Sydney.
Sydney: Well, you were right about the tool part, at any rate.
Sydney�s brain: Okay, like Vaughn said to do, I wrote down my SD-6 mission on a brown paper bag, then I rang the phone number and pushed the number corresponding to the garbage can I just dropped the bag in. Guess I�m done here. (leaves)
Vaughn: (pulls bag out of garbage can) Jackpot.
Old lady: (slaps Vaughn) You disgust me! Go buy your own pornography!
Vaughn: (meekly) Sorry ma�am�
(Phone rings)
Sydney: Hello, Joey�s pizza.
Vaughn: Ahh� Syd? I�m supposed to ask if you�re Joey�s Pizza. It�s a code for you to meet me so I can give you your counter-mission, remember?
Sydney: Crap. My bad habit of answering as a random place of business for my own amusement just backfired on me!
Vaughn: Whatever. Just make sure you have the files when you get back to the airport. I�ll do a brush-past, get the files, copy them, and then give them back to you when you get to the cab line.
Sydney: You�re just looking for an excuse to feel me up, aren�t you?
Vaughn: Am I that easy to see through?
Sydney: (through the com in Dixon�s ear) Dixon, is that this week�s guest villain you�re talking to?
Dixon: That�s him.
Sydney: Are the files in that envelope he just passed to you?
Dixon: Yes, on two floppy disks.
This Week�s Guest Villain: Why are you talking to yourself?
Dixon: Huh?
Sydney�s brain: I have to cause a distraction so that this week�s guest villain doesn�t notice me stealing the disks. I could go over and spill my drink on him� or�
T.W.G.V.: My god, woman! I love that blue rubber dress you�re wearing!
Sydney: You do? (stealthily replaces the disks with coasters) Thank you!
T.W.G.V.: It�s so incredibly tight! How can you breathe in that?
Sydney: �good question! (passes out)
Vaughn: I�ve got the disks! Hurry! We have to copy them before Sydney gets to her cab!
Technician: (reading off computer screen) �Error #404��
Vaughn: You�re using Windows 95 at a time like this?!?
Sydney�s brain: Here comes Vaughn with the disks� how do I distract Dixon so he doesn�t see him give them back to me?
Sydney: Look behind you, a three-headed monkey!
Dixon: (turns around) Where? Where?
(Vaughn gives Sydney the disks)
Sydney: He must have run away.
Dixon: Are you trying to distract me?
Sydney: Noooooo�
Sydney: Well, that�s a day�s work well done. Now I think I�ll race home, put my engagement ring back on, have a bubble bath, and just generally feel sorry for myself.
Sydney�s brain: But weren�t you supposed to go out with your ignorant friends tonight to celebrate Charlie�s new job?
Sydney: Curses, foiled again!
Will: I�ve been researching Danny�s death for you, even though you told me to not ask questions or try to find out anything about the mysterious circumstances. Did you know he was going to catch a flight to Singapore that night?
Sydney: Whaa?!? Err� I mean yes, of course I knew that! I mean� waaaaaaah� Danny�
Will: Geeze, all right! I won�t bring it up again!
Sydney: Thank you.
Will: (under his breath) Crybaby.
Sydney: What?
Will: Nothing.
Sloane: The files told us that some guy in the U.S. named Milovich Ivanov has a nuclear bomb. I want you to go get it. Now.
Sydney: Do I have enough time before my plane leaves to write on a used porno bag, make a phonecall, and throw it away?
Sloane: No.
Sydney: Damn. What about just a phonecall?
Sloane: 10 seconds.
Sydney: (into phone) I�m going to see Ivanov.
Vaughn: Who?
Sydney: Read the files, dumbass!
Vaughn: Oh, that Ivanov. Hey wait� wow. That�s a really good imitation of a dial tone you�re doing there. Sydney? Hello? Hello?
Sydney�s brain: Okay, this is Ivanov�s address� but why would he live in a cemetery? (sees Ivanov�s tombstone) Ohhh. There it is. They really should have written down his apartment number for me as well.
Sydney: (opens Ivanov�s coffin) Excuse me Mr. Ivanov, but I have to talk to you about� say, has anyone ever told you that you like just like a nuclear bomb? One that�s just been activated, and has two minutes left on the timer? �oh crap.
Sydney: (into phone) Blue wire! Red wire! Green and white wire! Purple wire! Cyan wire!
Marshall: Why are you telling me a bunch of different coloured wires?
Sydney: Because I�m sitting on a ticking nuclear bomb! You�re supposed to tell me which wire to cut to stop it!
Marshall: Oh, right. What was that last one?
Sydney: Cyan!
Marshall: What the hell�s cyan?
Sydney: It�s a kind of light bluey-green! WHICH WIRE DO I CUT?!?!
Marshall: Stop yelling at me! (bursts into tears)
Vaughn: Hey Syd, I just wanted to tell you that you did a good job disarming that bomb.
Sydney: Thanks Vaughn.
Vaughn: I also wanted to congratulate you on handing it over to SD-6, who then passed it on to Anini Hassan.
Sydney: No problem! �wait, that was sarcasm, wasn�t it?
Sydney: I have to go get back that bomb I lost. Make something up so Sloane doesn�t find out.
Jack: I still can�t believe you did that. I thought I taught you to take responsibility for your bombs!
Sydney: Say what?
Jack: Damn, I�m blabbing secrets no-one�s supposed to find out about yet. I�m so bad at this.
Sydney: Riiiight� anyways, did you buy a ticket to Singapore for Danny the night he died?
Jack: Yes. I tried to get him out of there before they killed him, but I was just too late.
Sydney: Whaddya mean too late?!?
Jack: Do you have any idea what the traffic is like in L.A. at that time of night? Cut your old man some slack, would ya?
Jack: Sydney�s taking a few days off.
Sloane: Why?
Jack: Beats me. It�s a girl thing. How should I know?
Sydney: (into phone) Okay, I just arrived in Memphis� wait a minute. Why is there no desert here?
Vaughn: Aww geeze. You didn�t mean Memphis in Egypt, did you?
Sydney: Duh! Does Hassan sound like a name any American would use?
Sydney: (into com) Okay, in the right Memphis this time, and I just opened the bomb up. I�m holding the core in my hand.
Random, As-Yet-Unbeaten Guard: And I�m holding a revolver in mine.
Sydney: Goshdarnit.