Guard #1: What did she say?
Guard #2: I dunno. Pull her head out of the toilet bowl for a second.
Sydney: (gasps for breath)
Guard #1: What did you say just then?
Sydney: (still gasping) I said, �Can I please have a snorkel?�
Guards: (stare)
Sydney: �what? Why are you staring at my hair?
Guard #1: It�s pink!
Sydney: �yeah?
Guard #2: But it�s� pink!
Sydney: Are we done here?
Guard #1: �it�s still pink.
Sydney: Oh, for Christ�s sakes. Just handcuff me to the chair already!
Sydney: Stupid essay. How am I supposed to know how much wood a woodchuck can chuck?
Danny: �whoa, wait a second. Weren�t you just being tortured for information a second ago? And wasn�t your hair� pink?
Sydney: Geeze, don�t you start. This is where we start the seemingly-never-ending tradition of 75% of the episode being a flashback. The hair colour change helps you tell what�s past and what�s present, see?
Danny: �no.
Sydney: Wahh.
Danny: (incredibly off-key singing) Build me up, Buttercup, don�t break my heeeeeeeeart!
Sydney: Owww! My ear drums are bleeding!
Danny: So, will you marry me?
Sydney: All right, but only on the condition that you get professional help with your singing.
Danny: Something tells me I won�t have to worry about that for long�
Francie: Oh wow, your ring is so sparkly and stuff! Your mum would be so proud! You know, the dead one? The one who died 20 years ago�
Sydney: Yes, thank you Francie. I think we have established that my mother is dead.
Francie: Just helping. Did you tell your dad?
Sydney: Nope. Danny rang him to ask permission...
Jack: (answers phone) Hello, Jack Bristow, �legitimate airplane parts exporter� speaking.
Danny: �hang on! Hang on! Is this a flashback within a flashback?!?
Jack: �did you call me for a reason?
Danny: Oh, right. This is Danny. I wanted to get your permission to marry Sydney.
Jack: �whaaa?!? Who is this?
Danny: Danny. Danny Hecht. Sydney�s boyfriend?
Jack: I think my daughter�s a little young to be getting married, Mr. Hecht. Hell, I�m surprised she�s dating at her age!
Danny: �she�s 27!
Jack: �really? Wow, I am a bad father.
Danny: So can I marry her?
Jack: Why are you asking me? Sydney doesn�t want anything to do with me these days.
Danny: How come?
Jack: (sighs) Oh, she�s still holding it against me for all the little things. Not having time to give her piggy-back rides. Not letting her play any video-game that wasn�t a first-person shoot-em-up. Always busy spying� er� spying on rival aircraft sales when I should have been spending time with her. But I think it all went downhill when I wouldn�t let her get a puppy.
Danny: Well, she�s got Will now.
Jack: Yeah, good point. Okay, okay, you can marry her. I�ll sign the permission slip. But no loud parties on Saturday nights.
Danny: Spoilsport.
Will: My pink-haired sister keeps on setting me up on all these blind dates, but I don�t like any of them.
Sydney: That�s nice.
Will: Hey look! Watch me take off my shirt and show off my chest!
Sydney: Uh-huh. Hey, guess what? I�m getting married!
Will: Maybe I�m being too subtle.
Sloane: Sydney, I want you and Dixon to go to Taipei and see if their nasty government is building this. (holds up complicated looking diagrams)
Sydney: What is it?
Sloane: Damned if I know. But it looks funky. I want it.
Sydney: Okay then. Hmmm� Taipei� do I speak the language?
Sloane: You speak every language, dumbass.
Marshall: Here�s a whole bunch of high-tech garbage to help you accomplish your mission! Just don�t try eating any of it like last time.
Dixon: (whines) But I was hungry�
Danny: (to Sydney�s stomach) How is a baby going to fit in there?
Sydney: It�s the miracle of childbirth, honey.
Danny: Yes, but in your stomach?!? You�re a friggin� twig!
Sydney: I�m a secret agent.
Danny: Don�t change the subject!
Sydney: I have to go now. Business trip.
Danny: Okay, I�ll call you tonight.
Sydney: Can�t. I�ll have my phone off whilst I�m busy snooping.
Danny: Okay, I�ll just blab to your answering machine about my feelings regarding your being a spy.
Sydney: �Kay. Love you!
Sydney: How come you�ve never told your wife, Dianne, about being a spy for SD-6?
Dixon: You mean apart from the fact that Sloane would have her killed if I did?
Sydney: Oh sure, if you want to use logic�
Creepy Little Chinese Dude: You�d better have a good reason for snooping around the entrance to my top secret weapons lab!
Sydney: Umm� I�m looking for the bathroom?
C.L.C.D.: Let me check my reasons list� (pulls a notebook out of his pocket and checks) Okay, that�s fine then.
Sloane: I have to kill Sydney�s fianc�e.
Jack: Good. The little bastard thought he could get around my rules by throwing a loud party on a Sunday, but we�ll show him! Muwahahaha!
Sloane: You scare me sometimes.
Guard #1: Your hair�s pink again.
Sydney: Then I guess we�re taking a break from the flashback for a moment.
C.L.C.D.: Hello. I�m here to torture you. ^_^
Sydney: Oh poo.
C.L.C.D.: Tell me who you work for, or else I get to start hurting you!
Sydney: Okay, get a pen. Write down� E-M-E-T-I-B.
C.L.C.D.: Aha! The Ethnic Masters of Economics, Tidiness, Inn-keeping and Business! Excellent! We shall launch a nuclear strike against them at dawn!
Sydney�s brain: Should I tell him to reverse the letters? �naah.
Assassin: Er, hi. I�m here to kill you.
Danny: Just answer me one question. Is this part of the flashback again?
*BANG*
Danny: Ow. (thuds)
Sydney: You killed the man I love!
Sloane: No Agent Bristow, you did.
Assassin: Ahh� sorry to be technical and all, but it was actually me. My bad!
Dixon: Syd, you have to come back to work. It�s been 3 months. Sloane doesn�t trust you any more. He�ll smack you up!
Sydney: Pfft. Sloane couldn�t smack up his dying-of-cancer wife.
Dixon: Hey sshhh! The audience isn�t supposed to know about that yet!
Sydney�s brain: (hiding in a car park from hired goons) Ha! I�ll trick those hired goons good! I�ve asked Francie to call me back, but I�m going to drop my phone here and make a run for it!
(She does so. The phone rings, and one of the hired goons comes over, gun drawn)
Hired Goon: Aww� (sighs and answers) Hello, Sydney�s phone?
Dixon: Hi, you can please tell Sydney, �I told you so,� for me?
Goon: No problem.
Sydney: Daddy! You saved me! With the killing and the shooting and the reckless driving and the�
Jack: Sydney, I work for SD-6.
Sydney: Couldn�t you have chosen a less dramatic time to tell me that?
Jack: Apparently not. Oh by the way, SD-6 are the bad guys. They�re part of the Alliance, not the CIA.
Sydney: Huh. You�d think I�d be smart enough to figure that out myself, wouldn�t you? So who are the Alliance?
Jack: They�re just the bad guys, okay? Geeze, why always with the questions? �Who are the Alliance? Is Santa Claus real? Did you really tell Danny he couldn�t throw loud parties?�
Sydney: I just want to know what you have against loud parties.
Jack: They bug me, okay? Now get out of the country before Sloane kills you.
Sydney: Can I borrow your sister�s credit card? And her passport? Oh, and maybe one of her radioactive pink wigs?
Will: Sure. Why not?
Sydney: Okay, so here I am in Taipei. Now what?
Random Bystander: Well whilst you�re here, why don�t you break into Creepy Little Chinese Dude�s lab and steal that funky looking doo-dad?
Sydney: Ooh, good idea� I mean, hey! Don�t blow my cover! I�m supposed to be incognito!
R.B.: Oh please. You really think you�ll blend into a crowd with that hair?
Sydney: Hmm. Good point.
Sydney: Owww!
C.L.C.D.: What�s your problem?
Sydney: You�ll pulled out one of my teeth!
C.L.C.D.: Yeah. I enjoyed it.
Sydney: Well, it did look like fun� (flips the chair over, landing on C.L.C.D. and pulling the handcuff keys from his pocket. She frees herself, then picks up the pointiest looking torture device.) Can I give it a try?
C.L.C.D.: Mummy!
Sydney: Okay, I�ve got Creepy Little Chinese Dude�s funky looking doo-dad. Now I should really blow up his top-secret weapons lab� but how?
Goon #1: Hold it right there!
Sydney: Ahh, hired goons. Always there when you need them. (turns on a gas stove)
Goon #1: (sniffs) You smell something?
Goon #2: Yeah, I do! We should shoot it!
Goon #1: Okay!
KER-BLAMMO!!!
Sydney: Here�s your stupid funky looking doo-dad. Now will you stop trying to kill me already?
Sloane: You didn�t say the magic word�
Sydney: Grrr�
Sydney: Can I be a double agent please?
Vaughn: Sure. Sign here, here and here, then write down your life story.
Weiss: Ah, I�ve finally made it into a scene! Now I get to show off the full range of my secret agent talents!
Vaughn: Weiss, get Sydney another pen, will ya?
Weiss: Wahh.
Jack: Guess what? I�m a double agent too!
Sydney: You�re just full of surprises, aren�t you?
Jack: Gas too. My doctor says I need to change my diet.
Sydney: That I did not need to know.