Telepathic Hub, Chapter 8

The five telepaths gathered at the Nekohanten the next morning with decidedly mixed emotions: on the one hand, if all went as planned, not only would they not have to worry about the specter of Amazon kill squads, but most of Ranma's fiancée problems would be taken care of (well, the ones they knew about, at least); on the other hand, however, the way in which those problems were about to be solved would likely create a whole new set of even more confusing problems to deal with. Admittedly, they had no idea how society as a whole would respond to their group marriage, but the chances that it would be openly accepted by all were rather microscopic.

At least Ukyo had gotten a better night's sleep, if only in the sense that she only woke up four times as opposed to five. Aside from that hiccup, the lucid dream had gone quite well—Shampoo and Kodachi spent much of it engrossed in conversation, and as a result, Akane didn't have to be bombarded with imagery of varying degrees of perversion. And since Ukyo's time in the dream was sporadic, that meant she could spend time talking to Ranma. Even more pleasantly, Ranma didn't seem to want to talk about the near future any more than she did, with the result that the two ended up having a conversation simply for the sake of conversation—that almost never happened before they'd gained their abilities.

But, alas, the cliché that all good things must come to an end proved to be quite true; the human biological clock was designed so that people would wake with the sunrise, and that wasn't about to change just because Akane was enjoying herself. She didn't like waking up that day, simply because she didn't want to contemplate what she was about to do. Still, after a quick breakfast (which was made notable by Kasumi's concerted efforts to avoid any sort of conversation with her youngest sister), she'd managed to drag herself to the Amazons' restaurant like her four fiancé(e)s. There was no point in stalling now, and Akane just wanted to get the whole sordid mess done so that she could start dealing with the myriad problems it would cause. Thus, the first words she spoke upon Cologne's entrance into the Nekohanten's back room weren't exactly joyful: "Let's get this over with."

The old woman chuckled softly to herself. "You're right—I do know it. I was just trying to introduce some levity into the situation."

"Levity?" Kodachi asked with a somewhat irritated tone. "We're about to risk our reputations and you expect us to be open to jocularity?"

Shampoo was not about to suffer her great-grandmother to such disrespect, especially when it came from a woman who would soon have to acknowledge Cologne as her Matriarch. "How can Flower Girl's reputation get worse?"

Here, Cologne stepped in before another skirmish could break out: "Shampoo, there is a difference between levity and hostility, and the latter has no place in any marriage ceremony."

"Speaking of which," Ranma said, "how is this ceremony gonna go? We gotta do some sort of ritual?"

"In a manner of speaking. As I've said before, for all practical purposes, there will be two parts to the ceremony, one to deal with Amazon customs and traditions, and one to address the complicated ins and outs of Japanese law. The good news is that the Amazon part of the ceremony is quite simple."

"Well, don't just keep us waiting, gaijin," Kodachi said. "Tell us what we need to do."

Cologne managed to resist the impulse to smack her great-granddaughter-in-law-to-be upside the head for her insolence and got down to business: "You all need to perform the Kiss of Marriage."

"So, we need to kiss Ranma?" Akane asked. That didn't seem too awkward. Sure, she didn't have much experience, but surely she wasn't the first bride to feel that way.

"Well, yes, but there's more. As you are all aware, Amazon group marriages are fully polygamous, not just polgynous."

Ukyo rubbed the bridge of her nose. "When you said 'awkward,' you weren't kidding."

"Not really—though there are several important traditions, these can wait until your first trip back to Joketsuzoku, as they're best done in a community of persons who will not consider your marriage a bizarre aberration from the norm."

What the hell is that s'posed ta mean?

I think it means that the Amazons won't think we're perverts, Ranchan.

Oh… I think I get it… maybe. But why didn't she just say that ta begin with?

Why didn't she just say what?

That the Amazons won't think we're perverts.

They… they won't?

It makes sense—I mean, why would they? It's their ceremony, after all. An' if they did, don't ya think Shampoo would be more concerned about it?

Ah, Airen…

Hmmm? What is it, Shampoo?

I hope you will pardon my rather blunt interruption of your conversation about societal mores, but you may wish to listen to what Great-Grandmother has to say.

Although she suspected that there was a hidden conversation going on from the look on her son-in-law's face, Cologne decided to continue: "Of course, there are a few things you should probably do in connection to your status as far as Japanese law goes."

"You see, the Japanese loophole is based on the notion that certain tribal groups, such as the Amazons, should be allowed to live according to their traditions, even if those traditions conflict with the law—provided that these traditions do not endanger any members of the native population, of course."

"Are you trying to say that sending Shampoo over here to kill Ranchan didn't put anyone at risk?" Ukyo asked, somewhat incredulously.

"That," Cologne responded, "is a complicated matter which I'd really rather not get into at the moment. Besides, that point is moot. What I was getting at was that as long as only Amazons are involved, Japanese law almost always defers to Amazon tradition."

"But technically, we aren't Amazons yet," Ukyo pointed out. "And if we were, we wouldn't need to worry about Japanese law, because we wouldn't be Japanese citizens."

"That, my dear, is where the loophole comes in—you see, there is a proviso that allows for a sort of 'dual citizenship' that will allow you to remain Japanese yet still come under the scope of Amazon law."

"So, what does that mean?" Ukyo asked. "We're going to have dual Chinese and Japanese citizenship?"

"No, it means that you'll keep your status as Japanese citizens, but Amazon law will be given primacy in any legal matters you may have to deal with."

"Does that mean we need to wait until the government representative gets here before going through with the marriage?"

"But if we aren't Amazons, doesn't that mean we still fall under Japanese marriage laws?"

"Oh, great," Akane interjected. "We aren't Amazons until we're married, but we can't get married until we're Amazons. This 'solution' of yours just keeps getting better and better—ouch!" The young Tendo found herself cut off as one of Shampoo's ubiquitous bonbori smacked her over the head.

Cologne withdrew her staff from where it had bonked Shampoo's skull before speaking to her progeny in her native Mandarin: "I shall keep my own counsel on which actions need to be castigated, Xian Pu. If you are to be Matriarch one day, you need to learn how to handle people who are obviously under extreme emotional stress. Akane's sarcastic derision may be disappointing, but it is also perfectly understandable given recent events. Besides, she is not yet an Amazon, and therefore should not be expected to accord me the same amount of respect as you would."

Shampoo bowed in contrition at her chastisement. "I apologize. It was wrong for me to presume your reaction to my fiancée's admittedly mild outburst. I shall be more careful in the future."

That done, Cologne returned her attention to Akane. "If you'll be patient, I shall explain further."

"It is true that the situation appears to have stalled in a rather obnoxious Catch-22," the wizened Matriarch admitted, "but you are forgetting one very important detail."

"The Amazons ultimately do not care about outside laws—we deal with them only insofar as they pose an inconvenience for us. If you all perform your required Kisses of Marriage, you'll be married into the tribe according to Amazon law, which will make you Amazons, which in turn will allow you to enter into a civil arrangement accepted by Japanese law."

"So, you'd best start soon—unless you all want to kiss in front of a stranger from the Japanese bureaucracy, that is."

Ranma's hasty response spoke for everyone present: "Uh, no, that won't be necessary. Why don't we, uh, get started?"

Awkward moments were never really all that uncommon in Nerima, and in the case of Ranma Saotome, they were so common that whenever the martial artist didn't have to deal with awkwardness, it was, well, awkward. Still, none of Ranma's previous experience with social uneasiness could have adequately prepared him for the next ten minutes of his life.

This was not just because Ranma would have to share a rather deep kiss with the three women whom he liked very much, though that was a big part of it. Nor was the fact that he would be sharing a kiss with a woman for whom he harbored a great deal of dislike the major contributor to the scenario's overall discomfiture, though this too, could not be overlooked. No, what made the situation truly awkward was the fact that these four women would be kissing each other—and only two of those women held any attraction to other girls.

This made for some rather interesting conversations among the telepaths both spoken and otherwise.

Ranma was blushing intensely as he realized that Shampoo wasn't willing to let him go with just a quick peck on the lips; they were about five seconds into their kiss, and Ranma knew that the others were getting rather antsy watching them.

Uh, Shampoo, is there a reason we even have ta do this at all? I mean, you already gave me the Kiss of Marriage, right?

Ranma couldn't exactly argue with that, so he changed the subject: Um, the others are waitin'….

I know; I just want to make sure my wives know how someone like you deserves to be kissed. That's why we went first, after all.

Finally, Shampoo let Ranma breathe once again, and the two sat down. "Akane, Ukyo—you're up."

As the two heterosexual women moved their heads closer together, their eyes closing in what almost looked like a wince, both of their thoughts came through very clearly:

It'll be okay—it's not like we're lesbians or anything perverted like that. Just pretend it's Ranma, and it'll be okay.

Keep calm, Ukyo. Akane's the last person who'd think there was something sexual about this. Just pretend she's Ranchan, and soon it will all be over.

What followed was a kiss that managed to have almost no romantic qualities, but Ranma couldn't help but notice a highly sexual charge behind it. If he didn't know better, he'd think Kodachi was trying to seduce him, rather than simply marry him.

Of course I'm trying to seduce you, Ranma-sama. Have you not been paying attention?

The Amazon smiled, and Akane was struck by the way it reminded her of her oldest sister's very warm and protective. Akane took a deep breath and nodded her head, signaling that she was ready to begin. Here we go again….

Ranma looked on as Akane and Shampoo kissed, almost smiling to himself as Akane bravely brought herself to the edge of her comfort zone while Shampoo's protectiveness of her new wife seemed to grow by the second, but his mind was distracted by what he was picking up from Kodachi: No wonder she told me to stay away from her—the gaijin wants to be the one to introduce Akane to the joys of Sapphism! I'll have to redouble my efforts if I want to—

And so it went as the five teenagers kissed a total of ten times, ending with the two whose interaction with a well-meaning but sadly mistaken genie had made this arrangement necessary to begin with. "Look's like it's just you an' me left, Ucchan."

Ain't no point in dwellin' on the past, Ucchan. Best we can do now is make the most of what we got.

I guess you're right. Enough stalling—let's get married. With that, the two best friends kissed, and united themselves in matrimony (albeit an unconventional one).

Cologne couldn'resist a smile as the two finished. "I now pronounce you husband and wives," she declared. "Welcome to the tribe."

"Um, excuse me?" The six persons in the room turned to see a short, bespectacled, nervous-looking man in a three-piece suit clutching a briefcase. "I– I'm sorry to intrude, but your door was unlocked. I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but is this the Nekohanten Restaurant?"

Cologne hopped down from her place on the table and walked over to greet the man. "Indeed it is," she said with a respectful bow. "I am Ku Lon, Matriarch of the Amazons at Joketsuzoku and proprietor of this establishment. Am I correct in assuming that you are here to help us deal with our predicament?"

The man's timid demeanor did not seem to decrease in any noticeable way. "P-Predicament? Ah, yes. Yes, I am. My name is Hideki Fushida, from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. I understand that several of our citizens have encountered some problems with your tribe's matrimonial traditions."

"Yes, that is the case. You see, due to circumstances beyond our control, these five young people, one of whom is my great-granddaughter, are in a position where, according to our tribe's traditions, they must either enter into a polygamous union, or—"

"Ah, there's no need to go into that," the government worker said with a nervous chuckle. "I heard enough about the alternative from my superiors. I assure that our government is more than willing to let the current loopholes in our law stand, though we do sincerely hope that these five are mature enough to understand the consequences of allowing their arrangement to become widely known."

"That won't be a problem, I assure you," Cologne replied. "However, I believe that several of them will have questions about their legal status."

"O– Of course. Ah, why don't we all have a seat, and I'll discuss their status."

Mr. Fushida seemed to grow much more at ease as he began to explain the situation to the five teenagers; perhaps it was his familiarity with the jargon of international law, or perhaps it was because four of the five teenagers were actually Japanese, which presumably meant that he could relate better to them. The conversation, if you could call it that, was rather one-sided, as the clerk detailed every imaginable aspect of the arrangement.

"…so essentially, our government will recognize that a sort of dual-citizenship applies for the five of you, which will allow you four ladies to be exempt from our standard marriage customs and each take Mr. Saotome as a husband of sorts," he finished explaining. "Any children which result will be considered legitimate for all legal purposes, and you should all be entitled to most spousal benefits as well."

In a minute, darling. "I mean that I'd like to know how I would be viewed in relation to these other women as well as Ranma."

"I don't understand," Mr. Fushida replied. "Why would you need to know something like that?"

I only want to make sure that my marriages to Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo will be recognized by the government, Ranma-sama. Surely you see the importance of this. "Well, the five of us are in a situation where each of us is married to the same man."

Wait, that's what she's asking?!

Has that woman gone mad? — On second thought, don't answer that.

Ugh… it's already bad enough now… why does she have to make things worse?

Are you outta yer mind?! Ya can't ask the government ta consider ya married ta the other girls!

'Cuz he might decide ta call the whole thing off, that's why! I mean, come on, even I can tell this is a bad idea.

Mr. Fushida scratched his head for a while before finally appearing to understand what the gymnast was asking. "Oh, I see. You don't need to worry, Ms. Kuno. Nobody's going to think that you're actually married to any of these other girls. That would be a disgusting perversion of nature, after all. No one in the government would even think of subjecting our citizens such a dishonor."

Why does she have to do this? I only just started accepting this situation; why can't she just let things be?

Is that what this is about? The Flower Girl really has so much hubris that she thinks she can get sway this man's culturally entrenched notions of sexual propriety? How utterly foolish!

Kodachi, you don't understand. Ya might say that perversion don't really exist, but nobody's gonna believe it. Besides, why risk what we already got goin'? I mean, we all know that yer married ta all of us. What does it matter if yer only legally married ta me?

Kodachi, if we can't do this, we're pretty much outta solutions. I mean, come on. Akane's willin' ta accept this, an' ya know how conservative she is. Ain't that enough?

I… I suppose you're right, Ranma-sama. Society has yet to progress to the point where we will be fully accepted. "Ah, I see. Thank you very much, Fushida-san." As Kodachi said this, a wave of relief swept over Ranma, as well as the other three telepaths.

Thank goodness; Ranchan talked some sense into her. For someone so smart, Kodachi sure can be stupid sometimes.

"Well, I'm glad I could help," the government worker replied with a smile. "Are there any other questions?"

Shampoo raised her hand. "Yes. Shampoo want know why need to be Japanese. Amazons no have problem with Amazon marriage."

"It's mostly to make sure that you all have the same legal status. I assure you, it's necessary to make sure you receive equal treatment."

Shampoo glanced over at her great-grandmother, who nodded to let her know that she approved of the setup. "Okay," Shampoo said. "That fine."

"Excellent… then all that remains is for you to sign these forms." Mr. Fushida opened his briefcase and pulled out a stack of papers approximately five centimeters thick. "Let's begin, shall we?"

Mousse's day was only a few hours old, and already it was going sour. It had started that morning when the old mummy had awoken him from an extremely pleasant dream that prominently featured her great-granddaughter (as was the case with most of Mousse's pleasant dreams) and informed him that he needed to do some errands for her. Specifically, she wanted to restock the Nekohanten's supply of herbs and spices; apparently, Cologne had either run low on ingredients or snagged a major catering deal, because it had been a while since she'd sent him out for so many different things at once.

Of course, several of the ingredients were hard to come by, mostly because they didn't feature prominently in Asian cuisine, if at all—allspice, for example, was generally associated with Caribbean food, being one of the main ingredients in Jamaican jerk seasoning. (Not that Mousse was an expert on food from the other side of the world—the only thing that mattered to him was the fact that allspice was hard to find.) Apparently, the mummy was thinking of experimenting with some new dishes, because that was the only reason Mousse could think of for the dozen or so unusual herbs and spices on the list. But what really threw Mousse for a loop was Cologne's request for "genuine wasabi – no imitations!" as her handwritten list put it. Given how much the spice was associated with Japanese cuisine, the Amazon assumed that it would be relatively easy to come by.

This assumption turned out to be extremely naïve to say the least. While it was true that the flavor of wasabi was often used in Japanese cuisine, that was invariably imitation wasabi—the real stuff was so dang expensive that it was far beyond the price range of your average cook. It was so expensive, in fact, that many of the vendors Mousse went to didn't bother stocking it precisely because it was out of their consumer base's price range, and those that did have it didn't stock it in the quantity that Cologne was asking for.

At least that explains why the crone gave me so much money, Mousse thought to himself. She knew this wasabi was going to take a bite out of her wallet. He'd ended up having to combine smaller orders by clearing out the wasabi supplies of four different vendors, all of whom took ten minutes to make sure that the gaijin customer understood that imitation wasabi was actually very good and could be substituted for real wasabi in many dishes with no noticeable reduction in flavor quality—apparently, they were all concerned that Mousse would feel ripped off when he discovered how cost-effective the fake stuff was, and as a result might take his obviously well-financed business elsewhere for his culinary needs.

But now, with all of his herbs and spices safely tucked away in one of his enormous pockets of ki, Mousse was finally on his way home, where he could once again gaze upon his lovely Xian Pu—well, when he was wearing his glasses, at least. Without his corrective lenses, he tended to gaze on other things that vaguely resembled the lavender-haired beauty. Like fire hydrants. Or support beams. Occasionally, he even mistook Ranma Saotome for his beloved, especially when the womanizing bastard was in his female form. And the son of a bitch has the nerve to complain about his curse. At least he gets to keep his opposable thumbs. Mousse did not particularly like turning into a duck whenever he was splashed with cold water, as it was much more difficult to pull stuff out of ki pockets when he didn't have hands.

It wouldn't be so bad if Shampoo was only pursuing him out of obedience to Amazon law. After all, in Mousse's experience, laws always had loopholes, and if Shampoo had been willing to cooperate, he was sure the two of them could have been rid of Saotome's specter ages ago. But it seemed that the warrior had completely fallen for the outsider'charm, though precisely what this alleged "charm" actually was continued to elude Mousse's understanding.

But that did't really matter at the moment; what was important was that he was finally home, and despite the delays in getting the mummy's wasabi, he was actually fifteen minutes early. That in turn meant that he'd have fifteen more minutes to spend with the love of his life. Sighing contentedly at this prospect, he walked up to the door of the Nekohanten, turned the knob, and entered the restaurant.

"…and that should just about do it. I'll get these down to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs right away, and they'll take care of the processing. We'll let you know if any problems occur, but that doesn't seem very likely at this point." The man in the suit gathered the piles of papers on the table, straightened them into a single neat stack, and put the forms into his briefcase. "So, if there are no further questions—"

This caught Mr. Fushida off guard, as he really hadn't been expecting any more questions. He turned to see a young man about the same age as the five persons at the table and drew what was as close to a logical conclusion as one could get, given the situation: "Ah… I'm sorry, I thought that only five people were involved in this…"

"That's correct," Cologne confirmed. "This is just one of my employees—he doesn't have any part in this arrangement."

"Arrangement? What the hell are you talking about, you old mummy? Is Saotome up to something again?"

Cologne chose to ignore the young man's ranting. "You'll have to forgive him for his outburst—it seems I've neglected to let him know what's going on."

This seemed to satisfy the government worker: "Oh, that's quite alright. I can't say I blame him for his confusion; after all it took me several minutes to figure out what was going on when I first heard about it, and it took my superiors nearly an hour to convince me that it was legitimate. I'm sure he'll be as happy as I am for these youngsters once everything's been explained to him. But I should really get these papers back to the office." He stood up to put on his sport coat, and then turned back to the five teenagers sitting at the table. "Congratulations. I wish you all the best of luck." He then picked up his briefcase and exited the building.

As soon as he left, Cologne sprang into action, locking every door and window in the Nekohanten and leaving the rest of its current occupants decidedly confused. Ranma was the first to respond when she was finished: "Uh, what the heck was all that for?"

"It's quite simple, Son-in-law," Cologne replied. "I am about to grant Mousse's request for information on the situation, and as you can probably guess, I don't expect him to take the news well. I've locked the doors as an extra precaution to make sure he doesn't try to stop Mr. Fushida from doing his job."

"Hey! Don't talk about me as though I'm not here! And why go to all that trouble? Saotome is trying to pull something, isn't he? You enemy of women! I'll—oof!" Mousse was cut off as Cologne delivered a sharp kick to his abdomen, knocking the wind out of the young Amazon.

"No. That wasn't about chastisement—there's a very good chance he'll try something dangerous."

Akane cautiously tried to get the boy's attention. "Um, Mousse? That isn't Cologne, that's an empty chair."

It was then that the nearsighted Amazon realized that his glasses had come off when he'd toppled to the ground. He pulled out a spare pair before addressing the Matriarch again. "What is going on?"

Deciding that she'd beaten around the bush long enough, Cologne decided to answer that question directly. "Ranma has married Shampoo, and this time he was a willing participant."

It was difficult to see behind his Coke-bottle lenses, but Mousse's eyes went wide with shock. "Wh-What?! How… Why…" Mousse could barely process the information, and as a result couldn't seem to find an idea he could latch on to for his next question, and when one did come out, it was completely out of left field. "Then what are they doing here?" he asked, flailing his arm in the general direction of Ranma's other suitors. It actually sounded more like a plea for Cologne to reverse her previous statement than an a request for further information.

"They are here," the Matriarch answered, "because the three of them have joined Ranma and Shampoo in a polygamous union, in accordance with our tribe's customs and traditions."

"What?!" The fiancée squad had been so possessive of Ranma that the idea that they would even think of sharing him seemed utterly ridiculous. "Why?!"

"It doesn't matter why they did it, Mu Tsu. If they want you to know the details, they'll tell you themselves. All you need to know is that I will no longer tolerate your continued pursuit of Xian Pu. She has given her heart to her husband and wives and you have no right to take or even to seek that which does not belong to you."

By this point, however, Mousse was no longer listening to Cologne's words; his initial shock and disbelief was rapidly giving way to a seething fury. Even though he'd often used Ranma's close association with these other women as a pretext for combat, the nearsighted Amazon had also been perfectly aware that they were the best chance he had of wresting Ranma away from the object of his desires. But now, all of his hopes that one of the other girls would lure Ranma away from his beloved were dashed—the womanizer actually had the gall to exploit a rarely-used loophole in Amazon law to get every single one of them. He turned towards the bastard and shouted at the top of his lungs: "Saotome! I'll kill you!" Without a moment's hesitation he let loose his chains, only to have them snag on an ancient walking stick. "What the—"

Cologne didn't allow Mousse to finish what he was saying, as she launched into a series of punches and kicks, knocking the out of control Amazon about before launching into the Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken, landing a hundreds of blows in the space of three seconds. Not surprisingly, this was more than Mousse could take, and he slumped to ground, unconscious.

"Shampoo, get some cold water on him and put him in his cage before he wakes up," the Matriarch commanded her great-granddaughter, who quickly dragged Mousse off to comply.

"Yes, you could have," Cologne concurred, "but it wasn't for your sake that I stopped him. If Mousse went after you, he would be in violation of several serious Amazon codes, most notably the prohibition against unprovoked attacks upon fellow tribe members. I'd turned a blind eye to it before because you had not yet accepted your membership in the tribe, but now that behavior has to stop."

"When he wakes up you will do nothing," the Matriarch interrupted. "He has some hard choices to make, and for any of you to become directly involved would be nothing more than an unnecessary and quite possibly dangerous distraction. I will deal with him personally."

"No 'buts,' Ranma. While I generally don't like to pull rank on new inductees to the tribe, the fact remains that you are an Amazon, and I am your Matriarch. I am ordering you not to get involved, simply because Mousse's situation is far more complex than you realize. Besides, he is the least of your worries at the moment."

"The legality of your arrangement may have been taken care of, but you still need to deal with society as a whole. Public opinion cares very little for what is legal or illegal, and the vast majority of Japanese persons are going to consider your legal arrangement to be rather immoral, to say nothing of your actual status according to our traditions. You must be prepared to deal with the scrutiny of the public, and the sooner you come up with a workable plan, the better."

"I don't know," Cologne replied honestly. "That is for you to decide; we Amazons tend to avoid getting involved with the affairs of other members of the Tribe unless necessary. And since that the five of you always have the option of moving to Joketsuzoku open to you, such necessity is not present at the moment."

"Then I suggest you ask your wives for assistance. Each one of them is intelligent in their own way, and if you work together, I'm sure you'll manage to find a solution."

Ranma blushed intensely as he realized that he'd inadvertently discounted his spouses' ability to help. Um… sorry?

Sensing that his spouses had decided to forgive him (albeit somewhat reluctantly), Ranma latched on to Kodachi's idea as a way to calm the waters a bit. "Why don't we get outta here an' figure out what we're gonna do next?" This proposal seemed reasonable enough, so the five spouses exited the Nekohanten and entered a new phase of their lives.

Telepathic Hub

Chapter 8: Wedding March to the Scaffold