Telepathic Hub, Chapter 9

Soun Tendo didn't wake up until half past ten, and even then it was only because he'd fallen out of his bed. His vision was blurred, his ears were ringing, and the sharp aftertaste of vomit was lingering in his mouth. Obviously, he and Genma had the time of their lives when they'd gone out drinking last night; too bad Soun could hardly remember any of it. He was fairly certain of the reason for their carousing: Ranma and Akane were finally taking care of those pesky Amazons, which in turn meant that they'd finally accepted the engagement that their fathers had bestowed upon them. At least, he was pretty sure that's what it meant. Genma had come to that conclusion last night, and at the time, his reasoning seemed sound. Of course, when one is working through the evening's third bottle of sake, it is quite easy for almost any idea to seem reasonable.

The Tendo patriarch managed to rise to his feet and exit his room. Someone was in the kitchen—presumably Kasumi, but his oldest daughter didn't usually clatter her utensils so loudly that they sounded like high-pitched gongs. Soun let out a grunt of frustration as he shuffled into his home's main room, where his middle daughter was apparently scribbling something-or-other into a notebook, presumably those lists of figures that she kept as part of that after-school hobby that she had yet to fully explain to him. Still, the entrance of her father was enough to pull her attention away from her ledger to give him an appropriate morning greeting: "Well, aren't we up bright and early?" Nabiki asked sarcastically.

"Nabiki, I am a little too hung over to tolerate your usual flippancy," her father chided her.

"Well, it isn't as though you had to go on a binge drinking session with Genma."

"Ranma and Akane have finally taken the first steps towards handling those other girls. Why shouldn't we celebrate? Their marriage is all but inevitable now."

"Well, you've got that part right, at least," Nabiki replied with an ever-so-subtle roll of her eyes.

"I'm glad you share my enthusiasm. In fact, hangover aside, this could very well be the best day I've had in a long time."

"That's assuming you don't flip out when find out what's really going on," Nabiki said under her breath.

Nabiki paused in thought for a few seconds. Naturally, she had no intention of telling either father about what was really going on (in fact, she was seriously considering hightailing it out of the house when Ranma and Akane eventually returned), but perhaps she could cushion the blow a bit with some well-placed hints. "Well… let me put it this way: what's the basic principle behind Anything Goes Martial Arts?"

Soun looked confused: why would his daughter need to ask him such a simple question? Surely it hadn't been that long since Nabiki stopped training in the Art. "To win by any means necessary."

"And when you say 'any means necessary,' you mean that you use every technique and strategy you know to come out victorious."

Another mind-numbingly easy question. "You come up with new ideas." It was the central tenet of both schools of Anything Goes. "Nabiki, is there a point to this?"

"Don't worry, I'm almost there," his daughter reassured him. "Basically, as heirs to the schools, Akane and Ranma have been taught to approach all of life's difficulties this way, right?"

"Well, that's what they're doing as far as the marriages go—they've tried every conventional solution they could think of, and it hasn't worked, so now they're thinking outside the box, if you'll pardon the cliché."

"Oh… I suppose that's good to know… in fact, now that I think about it it's very good to know. After all, it shows that they are listening to the sage advice of their elders."

Nabiki almost had her father right where she wanted him to be, but she still needed to move in for the kill. "So you approve of the way they're handling the situation, then?:

"I think Uncle Genma is still passed out in the dojo," rang Kasumi's voice from the kitchen.

"Thank you, Kasumi." Soun had quite a bit more spring in his step as he walked to his dojo. It seemed that everything was going to turn out alright after all.

Ranma and Akane walked down the street towards their destination, their gaits much slower than usual. It had been fairly easy to determine the first step the teenagers needed to take: they had to convince those who were close to them to accept their current relationship (the possibility that any of them would approve never even entered the discussion). Thus, the five had split up for the moment; they'd reconvene later, either in the real world or in their next dream, to figure out what to do after that.

The pair had a lot on their minds, but given the topic's sensitive nature, neither one wanted to risk talking out loud in public. Fortunately for them, this wasn't the obstacle it was for most.

I don't think she's nervous about herself—she's nervous for us, ya know? I mean, now that none of ya are, ya know, competin' over me, I think she's finally lettin' her real feelings show, I guess.

How? How am I supposed to help them deal with this? Polygamy isn't their way; how are we supposed to stand up to this culture's scrutiny? "The nail that sticks up is hammered down," indeed—my husband and wives are doing something that few here would even contemplate. I must help them, somehow. It's my duty as their wife. But how?

Ugh, why am I getting so melodramatic about this? It isn't going to help anything, and it just makes me sound like the Flower Girl—no, Shampoo, she's not the Flower Girl anymore: Kodachi is your wife, and you owe her just as much love as you do the others (not that that will be easy). But that doesn't absolve me from dwelling on the apparent impossibility of the task before is. We can succeed. Somehow. We just have to take things one at a time, after all. That's why I've come here, after all.

"So, how powerful is Ninja Girl? Shampoo never see in action, except at Ranma and Akane wedding."

"Sorry. He very good at cross-dressing," the Amazon added in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"You didn't need to come with me," Ukyo told Shampoo as they walked towards Ucchan's. "I'm sure I can handle Konatsu myself." Of course, Konatsu's one of the few people Ranchan has never actually defeated, but I'm sure he'll listen to me—he's supposed to be my kunoichi, right?

Shampoo tried to resist a sigh; it wouldn't be fair to expect her wife to jump right into a traditional spousal role, especially when there was little about it that her culture would call "traditional." Patience, Xian Pu, she admonished herself. You can't expect this transition to be smooth. She is too accustomed to the Xian Pu with whom she competed for Ranma's affections. Give it time. "Shampoo know this," the Amazon tried to explain, "but think good idea for Amazon nearby when explaining Amazon practice, yes?"

"I guess…" the chef replied reluctantly. She still wasn't all that certain that the Amazon could provide anything more than a potential target for Konatsu's frustrations; however, by that point, the subject was more or less moot. "Well, here we are."

The pair opened the door to see the kunoichi—who, Shampoo now realized, was not merely androgynous but flat-out feminine—preparing the restaurant for its first round of customers. "Ukyo-sama!" he said with a smile in his melodious countertenor. "You've returned! Did everything go well?"

"As well as could be expected," Ukyo replied somewhat nervously. "Um, you've met Shampoo before, right?"

"Of course—she was there when we all tried to sabotage Ranma's wedding. I am glad, however, to have the opportunity to meet you under more agreeable circumstances, Shampoo-dono." Konatsu finished his greeting with a respectful bow.

So polite… though I fear he will not find this occasion quite so auspicious when he learns more of its details. "Thank you. Is pleasure to meet you, too."

"So, Ukyo-sama, what brings Shampoo here today? We aren't… we aren't planning a follow-up to our previous activities, are we?" The kunoichi looked distinctly uncomfortable by that possibility.

Ukyo was quick to derail that train of thought: "No, no. We won't be doing anything like that anytime soon. Um, Konatsu…" Ukyo trailed off, trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject. "You… do you really love me?"

Konatsu, however, was a bit more perceptive than Ukyo had given him credit for. "What happened, Ukyo-sama?"

"You saved me from my stepfamily, Ukyo. You've given me a place to live. I will always be devoted to you—even if you join the Amazon tribe."

"It was just an educated guess. If Ukyo-sama is talking about love, that means Ranma has something to do with it, and if you're here, it means the Amazons are involved. I'm guessing there's some part of Amazon law that will allow her to get Ranma without you interfering if she becomes an Amazon."

Ukyo took a deep breath and started to explain her marriage to Ranma and all his suitors in all of its sordid details. "I joined the tribe to marry Ranma, which I've done. But to do that, I also had to marry Shampoo, and Akane, and Kodachi."

The kunoichi looked stunned—though not nearly as much as Ukyo had originally expected, to be honest. "What?"

"It's not as perverted as it sounds, really—it's an Amazon thing, you see," Ukyo tried to explain.

"Amazon?" Konatsu's eyes immediately steeled in way that Ukyo had seen only once before, when his stepfamily had kidnapped her and attempted to use her as a bargaining chip to press him back into their service. He looked at Shampoo, not quite glaring, but still showing a rapidly growing hostility. "Is that so?"

This, however, caused Shampoo to feel a sense of relief. Thank the Goddess; at least he's willing to hear an explanation. "Yes. Shampoo never want things to turn out this way, but things happen two day ago—"

"Somewhat. I haven't really asked Ukyo-sama about them. I figured that if I really needed to know, she'd tell me."

"Naturally, I have concerns about it—this could tarnish your image and hurt your business if handled improperly."

Konatsu sighed, as if relinquishing a pleasant dream that had little chance of becoming a reality. "Ukyo-sama, I never really thought I could have you as a spouse, or a lover, or anything like that. I'm truly content to assist you as your servant for as long as you'll have me. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be safe. And if you truly believe that this arrangement will give you that, then I'll do whatever I can to help."

Shampoo took this opportunity to try and bolster this point of view: "Ukyo will be safe. And Shampoo do what she can to make happy. Give word as Amazon."

Konatsu smiled a little at this. "As I understand it, that's the whole point of marriage vows to begin with." He sighed again. "Does this mean you will be releasing me from your service?"

Ukyo looked stunned. "What? No! I mean…. Look, Konatsu, you've been so helpful to me over the short time we've known each other. I'd hate to cut things off just because of this strange situation—unless you're saying you wouldn't feel comfortable…."

"Don't be silly, Ukyo-sama. I owe you so much—I'll serve you for as long as you would have me. I just thought that since this was a period of transition for you, you might wish to start anew."

"Ninja Girl very devoted to Ukyo," Shampoo commented. "Loyalty like that admirable—you would make good Amazon."

A good Amazon? Wait… maybe that could work. "Well, why couldn't he be an Amazon?"

This clearly took Shampoo by surprise. "What? Shampoo just making small talk—where this come from?"

As usual, Konatsu was ready with his karaoke machine. "Mine is a tale wrought of woe and misery—"

"Not now, Konatsu," Ukyo hastily interrupted before the kunoichi could launch into a song depressing enough to make Bauhaus sound positively chipper by comparison.

Ukyo returned her attention to her spouse. "Basically, they're evil, and I want to keep them out of Konatsu's life forever. If he was an Amazon, he'd have the backing of the whole tribe, right?"

"Trust me, the first time you meet those people (if you can call them that), you'll have more 'context' than you'll know what to do with."

"If Ukyo say so. Still not sure, though: Shampoo not that well versed in tribal induction without marriage."

"Great! Could you do me a favor and ask her about this the next time you see her?"

"Okay…" the lavender-haired girl replied uncertainly. "Um… Ukyo-airen need more help?"

The chef slowly shook her head. "Not really, Shampoo. At least, I can't think of anything that you'll need to stick around for." Ukyo-airen? Where did this come from?

"What's with all the 'Airens?' I mean, don't you usually reserve that for Ranma?"

"No… is for all persons Shampoo love more than any other. We all equal in marriage, so it not fair to only call Ranma 'Airen' anymore. You no like it?"

To be honest, the chef wasn't entirely sure she did, but Shampoo was starting to give her the infamous Sad Puppy Face™, so she decided to let it slide for now. "No, it's fine. I just wasn't expecting anything like that."

"No… and you'd better get going—Ranchan and Akane are probably going to need all the help they can get."

The chef turned back to her assistant. "You're certain you don't have a problem with this, Konatsu?"

"I want you to be happy, Ukyo-sama, and if this marriage can do that for you, I won't try to stop it."

"Will you be keeping regular business hours today, or will you be closing for your honeymoon?"

Ukyo went beet red from Konatsu's earnest nonchalance. "What? I… uh… well, you see—"

"Ah, yes." Ukyo couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as her devoted kunoichi went off to continue getting Ucchan's ready for the day ahead. Whew… I'm sure glad that's over with. At least, I think it's over with, anyway. I mean, Konatsu isn't the type to go behind my back and do who knows what in my "best interests" or something like that. That's just not the way his no-good family raised him.

My family, on the other hand… I just don't know how to break this to Dad at all. I'm not even sure that he knows what he wants to do as far as marriage goes, though I'm pretty sure what I'm doing now isn't it. What to do…

Certainly, Tatewaki can be difficult at times, but it is a relatively simple task to manage him once one understands how his mind works. He may seem the traditionalist, but with the right impetus, that traditionalism can be very malleable. Once I reveal the harridan's true nature to him, I am certain he will cease his endless pursuit of that demonic beast. What will be truly difficult will be the task of gaining him as an ally in our efforts for public acceptance, or rather, as close to acceptance as the public is willing to arrive at in our case.

The scioness of the Kuno clan had just about reached her family's palatial estate, having been entrusted with the task of ensuring that her relatives' interference would be kept to a minimum. She, of course, wanted to enlist the aid of her brother, but it was apparent that none of her spouses held their brother-in-law in very high regard, as they all seemed to think her proposal so gargantuan in its ambition as to be doomed from the very outset. She, however, had to live with him, and as such had far more insight into his personal quirks than most.

The diminutive butler/ninja appeared at her side almost immediately. "Yes, Mistress?"

Kodachi couldn't fully suppress her smile from these words. Even though the context was hardly erotic (especially since she had no physical interest in Sasuke's body shape) it still felt quite good to be called "Mistress." Now if only I can convince Akane to do likewise—sans garments, preferably… She was forced to banish this delightful fantasy, however, as she had far more pressing matters to attend to. "Is my brother here at the moment? I need to speak with him."

"Thank you," Kodachi replied before walking down the halls towards the Kuno family's private gymnasium. This should be a fairly simple matter, provided that I approach the situation from the point of view that my dear, deluded brother will find the most palatable. After all, while he may fancy himself a man of high personal honor, I know that honor can take many forms; indeed, it shifts surprisingly easily when the proper lubrication is in place to overcome the initial friction….

Kodachi. She's got this plan ta get Kuno on our side—or at least ta get him ta leave us alone.

Ranma nodded as he shifted the conversation into the verbal realm. "Yeah, I know, but she just left ta try an' actually talk ta the idiot."

"Well, I've only caught glimpses of her plan so far," Ranma explained to his wife, "an' it ain't exactly easy ta follow, but I think it sorta revolves around usin' his delusions in our favor, instead of tryin' ta get rid of them."

"What delusions could he have that might actually help us?" Akane had always figured that if Tatewaki Kuno's skewed worldview held any advantages, they would have shown up a long time ago.

"Well, like I said, I ain't too sure, 'cuz her plan's real, uh… confusin,' her husband replied, although he was fairly certain that "confusing" wasn't quite the word he actually wanted. "But I think a lot of it revolves around the fact that he thinks that the Emperor still has lotsa influence in the government."

"So if the government approves of the marriage, he'll think that basically means that the Emperor approves?"

Akane sighed. "I guess I'm still getting used to Kodachi doing anything helpful… though I wish she wouldn't be so… disturbing."

Akane blushed as she moved the conversation back into the telepathic level. Well, like the way she keeps openly lusting after me. I'm starting to think that she's not just trying to push my buttons, and that she actually wants to have sex with me.

I'm not sure you could, Ranma. But there's more to it than that now. Now… now I'm actually married to her, and somehow I just know she's going to justify her antics by claiming that there's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with your wife. I wouldn't have a clue how to respond to something like that. But… but she's still a girl, you know?

Ranma nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess that is a problem," he spoke aloud. "But then, we got other things ta deal with right now." Ranma stopped walking and waved his hand towards the building in front of them. Akane looked and saw that they had arrived at their destination: the Saotome home, newly rebuilt after the engagement ring fiasco, where Nodoka was likely going about her business, unaware of the momentous news she was about to receive. Well, here goes nuthin'.

Would you like my assistance, Airen? I'm not too far away, and surely I could help convince your mother that you have retained some of your honor, at least in the eyes of my people.

Ranma was actually a little surprised at the sudden offer of help. Um… sure, why not? I ain't never been too good at gettin' my point across, so me an' Akane are gonna need all the help we can get. Come on over as soon as ya have the chance, Shampoo.

That conversation finished, Ranma turned his attention towards the family home where he spent so little of his time. He stepped up to the door and knocked. As expected, Nodoka came to the door, and she was overjoyed to see her son. "Ranma! What a surprise!" She then noticed her son's companion. "And Akane, too! How delightful! Please, come in."

All three went inside, where the conversation soon resumed. "So what brings the two of you here today?" asked Nodoka with a smile.

Ranma took a deep breath and started in with his plan, which was to present the situation in the best possible light at the beginning. "Well, me an' Akane managed ta iron things out with the other fiancées, an' so we got married just ins morning."

As Ranma half expected, his mother was overjoyed. She rushed forward and hugged her son tightly as she gushed out praise. "Oh, Ranma! I knew you could do it! I knew that eventually you would settle down and choose one of those girls—and I must admit that I think you made a great choice with Akane. I only wish I could have been there to see the ceremony."

At this, both teenagers became visibly nervous. "Uh, don't be too sure of that, Mom. I got some bad news, too."

"Yeah, ya see, I never actually settled down an' picked one of 'em… things happened, and I sorta had end up pickin' all of them."

Here, Akane intervened. "He means that to get around the glitches in Amazon law, he had to have a polygamous Amazon marriage with me, Shampoo, Ukyo, and Kodachi."

"I'm… I'm sorry, Mom," Ranma said as an apology. Even as he said it, it felt utterly inadequate.

"Ranma… how could you do something like this?! You can't simply take all the women you want as brides. That's not manly, that's just selfish! How can you possibly give them all the attention they deserve?"

"I… I don't know. Believe me, Mom, this is the last thing I ever wanted ta happen, but there was no other way to keep them from gettin' hurt."

"Because Amazon law very strict," came a voice from the front door. "Pardon Shampoo, door unlocked, let self in."

"What's all this about Amazon laws?" Nodoka asked in a tone of distinct indignation. "Is this your doing?"

Well, here goes nuthin'. I just hope I don't screw this up.

The young gymnast took a deep breath as she concluded her argument: "So you see, brother dear, we have essentially been forced into a position where we must choose between our personal honor, or the very real possibility of causing our beloved Emperor to lose face on the international stage. Now, I don't know about you, but personally, I beleive that our country's honor far outweighs my own in terms of real importance. Wouldn't you agree?"

Tatewaki's face was utterly inscrutable as he pondered all that his sister had just told him. In theory, there shouldn't have been any conceivable response other than approval (if given reluctantly), but even she had to admit that he could be unpredictable at times. Indeed, she knew perfectly well that he could probably find some way to blame the whole situation on Ranma, which is why she had decided to bring his sense of patriotism into the equation.

Sadly, it appeared that her efforts were in vain. "That… that fiend! To think that Saotome would stoop so low as to invoke your love of our Emperor to solidify his craven desires! This deceit can not go unpunished!"

Curses… I really thought I had him. Fortunately, Kodachi had a backup plan. "My dear brother, do you really think the government would give his approval to this arrangement if it were naught but a ruse? Or are you saying that our beloved Emperor is not wise enough to see through any such trickery?"

"I… uh… that is…" This indeed was a puzzle to Tatewaki, for if he could see through Saotome's infernal devices, surely the Emperor could as well. "Well, Saotome is a powerful sorceror; perhaps he weaved his foul magics to addle the minds of the appropriate authorities. The man is clearly willing to do anything to ensare as many women as possible."

"Ah, but if that were the case, would he not have included your so-called 'pigtailed goddess' in the arrangement?"

Tatewaki seemed thunderstruck by this possibility. Of course the foul sorceror would have made certain to include the goddess in his harem. It was sheer lunacy to suggest that he would not want this to be the case… but what did that mean? "That means… that he truly did not desire this set of circumstances?"

"Of course he didn't! In fact, the one behind our current predicament was none other than the redheaded harridan herself!"

"My dear brother, in the last few days I have been made to see the truth about that woman and Ranma. You see, she has placed him under a curse which causes him to take on her form and likeness when he is splashed with cold water."

Kodachi couldn't resist a sly grin. Time for the coup de grace. "I know not her motives, but surely, one of them is to drag the good name of the Kuno clan through the mud."

"It's quite simple, brother dearest. You see, though I only learned of Ranma's condition recently (and it is obvious that you doubt it), the fact is that the nature of Ranma's curse has been common knowledge for months. Whenever the likeness of the redheaded woman is seen in public, they assume that she is actually Ranma in his cursed form, and take for granted that he is actually a man. Thus, when they see you constantly chasing after and cavorting with someone whom they assume to be male…." Kodachi stopped just short of stating the obvious conclusion—her argument would be much more powerful if Tatewaki came to it himself.

"I… with Saotome…" The elder Kuno's face suddenly recoiled in horror as he realized what his sister was implying. "Are you saying that the common folk believe that I am actively pursuing Saotome?"

"This… this is outrageous! Why would my pigtailed goddess do something like that?"

"I… I… I need to see this for myself." Tatewaki hurried out of his room, and before Kodachi knew it, her brother was off the grounds of the Kuno estate.

Well, that went about as well as could be expected. Much better, actually, given my spouses' rather low expectations for my endeavor to begin with. I do hope that he doesn't do anything too rash….

Well, no… not totally… but she's gotten a lot closer than I ever thought she would.

You will have to pardon my interruption, Airen, but your mother is waiting for you to respond to her question.

"I'm saying that all this telepathy business seems a little far fetched to me. Nerima may be an unusual place, but it isn't that strange."

"But it's true!" Ranma turned to his wives for confirmation, and both nodded their agreement earnestly.

Nodoka, however, still wasn't buying this. "I think you should stop hiding behind outlandish excuses and tell me what's really going on."

This led to a standstill in the conversation, until Ranma decided that a demonstration was in order. "Here," Ranma finally said in exasperation as he grabbed a small pad of paper and a pencil and placed them in his mother's hands. "Write down anythin' ya want."

Nodoka was unsure what her son was getting at, but she decided to comply with his request. She finished writing a word down and handed the pad back to her son. Ranma glanced at the paper and read the word printed there: Umeboshi.

Akane and Shampoo immediately figured out what Ranma was trying, and both spoke aloud, almost in unison: "Umeboshi."

"It's like we've been tellin' ya, Mom. We're psychic, or telepathic, or whatever. I read the word on the paper, an' the two of them read my mind. Ya wanna try it again?"

"No… no, that won't be necessary," Nodoka replied. Granted, if it had been anyone else, she would have probably been skeptical, but this was Ranma—when he wasn't focusing his attention on some martial arts skill, his emotions were almost always transparent, and right now, she saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes. The Saotome matriarch sighed. "You're certain that there is no other solution?"

Nodoka sighed again, and when she looked up, there was more than a hint of resignation in her eyes. "I will need to speak to your Great-grandmother, Shampoo. I want to know exactly what my son has in store for him now that he's entered this… arrangement."

"Accept? Akane, I don't know if I'll ever be able to 'accept' what you've done. But… but Ranma is still my son, and I've only just been reunited with him. I can't simply abandon him just because he's made a choice that I don't approve of."

"You're growing up, Ranma, and that means that you're going to be making your own choices soon. And… as long as you are willing to accept the consequences of the choices you make, I will not stop loving you."

At this Ranma rushed forward and grabbed his mother in a tight embrace. "Thanks, Mom."

Telepathic Hub

Chapter 9: Blood Is Thicker Than Mud