Akane didn't know quite when she fell asleep, but she did know when she started dreaming. She suddenly found herself in a wood that somehow managed to be reasonably well lit despite the thick forestation that should have blocked out any sunlight.
Of course, there were other, more obvious hints as well: "Well, well, if it isn't the sexual neophyte." Akane turned around to see the gentrified practitioner of Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics who had irritated her to no end on multiple occasions in the past.
"I am not a slut, Kodachi."
"My dear, perhaps you should consider enlarging your vocabulary before shifting into your usual state of perpetual umbrage. I said ‘neophyte,' not ‘nymphomaniac.'"
"What's the difference?"
"Other than the fact that the two terms connote opposite meanings in this particular context? Not much."
"Whatever. Where's Ranma?"
Kodachi motioned towards a clearing, where Akane saw her fiancé talking to Ukyo. "He's over there, assisting the chef with her tenuous grasp of lucidity. The gaijin hasn't shown up yet."
Akane sighed. "Do you have to be so damn patronizing?"
"Of course. My social class is higher than yours—I have every right to be patronizing."
"Look, I really don't want keep arguing and fighting with you, alright? Not if we're going to be stuck with each other for the rest of our lives."
The gymnast responded by raising her eyebrow. "Is that so? Well, I know of a good way for us to put that animosity aside," Kodachi said with a slight leer in Akane's direction.
Akane, however, recognized the innuendo, and she wasn't going to budge from her limits any time soon. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not going to have sex with you, or Shampoo, or Ukyo, or Ranma's girl form. Ever."
"You say so now, but I firmly believe our situation will eventually persuade you otherwise."
"I am not bisexual."
Kodachi gave a patronizing chuckle. "As far as I'm concerned, everyone is bisexual. Most people just need some coaxing into a healthy state of bi-curiosity, that's all. Obviously, you are one such person."
"You're disgusting."
"Sex is just a physical act—nothing more, nothing less. As long as one takes appropriate precautions to avoid embarrassing diseases and unwanted pregnancy, I see no reason to see any sexual act as immoral."
"Even incest?" Akane asked with a sneer.
Kodachi groaned. "Ugh…. Why does everyone assume that we of the Kuno clan engage in incestuous acts?"
"Because you're all delusional idiots who should be locked away in a nuthouse?"
"For the time being, I shall pretend I didn't hear that. We may be aristocratic, but we're not so foolish as to ignore the dangers of inbreeding. After all, it did quite a number on the Hapsburgs. No, it is essential to occasionally bring in hearty genes from the peasant classes to reinforce our own DNA—that's why I became interested in Ranma, and why my brother is interested in both you and the redheaded harridan."
"Humph. I knew that that jerk's claims of undying love were phony."
"I never said that."
"What are you talking about?"
"My dear, I believe you may be confusing love with romance."
The feeling of déjà vu felt by Akane at that moment was somewhat overwhelming. "Do you and Shampoo share notes or something?"
"Excuse me?"
"Shampoo stopped by my window just before I went to sleep—she said something about how love was different from romance as well."
"Did she now? Explain."
"She said that love wasn't an emotion. That it was an action. I'm not sure—some things got lost in her accent."
"I see. Well, I suppose that as long as you're learning about what love is not, I may as well contribute to your education as well."
"Oh, please," Akane said with a scoff. "What do you know about love?"
"More than you, obviously," Kodachi dryly replied. "At least I understand that love is an individual choice."
"So why haven't you ever chosen to love anyone?" came Akane's sneering retort.
"Contrary to what you believe, I love many people. For example, I love the other members of my family a great deal."
"What are you talking about? You can barely stand to be around each other."
Kodachi just raised an eyebrow at this. "Clearly, your ignorance of love does not stop with your belief that it is just an emotion."
"What are you talking about?"
"My dear, I can understand why you would confuse love and romance—it's a very common misconception of modern society, after all—but the fact that you apparently don't know the difference between loving and liking someone is downright mind-boggling."
"I do so know the difference. I like most of my classmates at school, but I wouldn't say that I love them."
"True, one is not required to love someone in order to like them. But you seem to be under the delusion that liking is a prerequisite for loving."
"It is! Isn't it?"
"Of course it isn't. Once again, I refer to my family. I cannot say with any honesty that I like either my father or my brother, and I know perfectly well that they feel the same way about me, as well as each other. Indeed, we detest each other so much that it is extremely difficult for us to spend more than ten minutes in each other's presence without revealing our mutual animosity towards one another. Yet this in and of itself does not stop me from loving them. I would gladly do anything within reason to assure their long-term happiness, and I know they would do the same for me."
"Are you serious?"
"Indeed I am. Now, I will grant you that liking someone makes the task of loving them a great deal easier, but it is hardly a requirement."
"But you're talking about family," Akane said. "That's different."
"I do not believe so. As another example, take Ranma-sama."
"What does he have to do with anything? Are telling me you don't like him either?"
"Of course not! Why would I? He's from a completely different economic class, he's vulgar, uncouth, and has absolutely no social graces, shares almost none of my interests, and has never shown anything more than contempt for my affection. And to answer the question that is no doubt currently forming in your mind, I can love him because he respects me, and because he's repeatedly shown himself to be a man of high personal honor, even the antics of his father have made his family honor questionable. I have no doubt in my mind that he truly wants what is best for everyone he knows, friend and antagonist alike, and that is the type of person who is worthy of my love and devotion, even if any friendship between us remains strained."
"Whatever. I don't think I'll ever understand you."
"And I accept that. I simply ask you to treat me the same way I intend to treat all of you: with love."
"So, what, are you saying you're capable of loving all of us, too?"
"Given the necessarily intimate nature of our current situation, I should say that to not do so would be quite hazardous."
"Fine. I'll try. But don't expect any miracles, okay? I'm still trying to figure out what Shampoo means when she talks about love, much less someone like you."
"As I comprehend the situation, we are going to be afforded ample opportunities to learn how best to interact with each other, and you will find that I can be quite patient when it suits me."
"And why, precisely, would this suit you?"
"My dear, I should think that obvious: as things stand, I'm going to get what I want. Granted, I ended up with the three of you in addition to Ranma-sama, but I believe that this group marriage business is a reasonable compromise. Indeed, I begin to wonder if such a result was not inevitable, given Ranma's inability to choose amongst us."
"I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to choose you anytime soon."
"All the more reason for me to be content with my situation."
Akane just rolled her eyes and walked over to Ranma and Ukyo. "Yeah, right. Whatever."
Kodachi sniffed indignantly as her bride-to-be (a concept which was growing all the more intriguing with each passing second) walked away. "Don't worry, my dear," she said quietly. "You will accept the truth eventually."
"You will leave her alone," came a voice from behind the gymnast.
Kodachi turned to see a lavender-haired teenager standing before her with her arms akimbo. "Ah, if it isn't the gaijin who got us into this predicament to begin with. Since when do you care about Akane Tendo?"
"Since she became my betrothed," Shampoo replied without hesitation. "I look out for the wellbeing of my loved ones, and right now, Akane does not need to deal with your sexual advances."
"In case you didn't notice, I happen to be engaged to you as well."
"That's true. And I don't think antagonizing our spouses will be conducive to your wellbeing either."
"With all due respect, you know nothing about me. Besides, do you really think it wise to get on my bad side?"
"What are you getting at?"
"I should think it obvious: Ranma has clearly stated that he is not interested in intimate relations at the moment, and neither Akane nor Ukyo is attracted to women… yet. That means that we shall need to turn to each other for satiation."
The Amazon rolled her eyes. "Goddess, you really are obsessed with sex."
"You say that as though there were something wrong with it."
Shampoo had just about had enough of this. "Listen, Flower Girl. I may not mind the notion of sharing myself with another woman, but I am not going to entertain your bizarre ideas of sexuality. And quite frankly, you aren't nearly attractive enough to justify a lowering of my standards to begin with."
"What did you say?!"
"Stupid little stuck-up pervert," Akane groused to herself as she approached Ranma and Ukyo. It was meant for her ears only, but sound doesn't necessarily follow the laws of physics in a dream world, which was why her statement got Ranma's attention.
"Lemme guess. It's Kodachi, ain't it?"
Akane sighed and nodded. "I just don't see how I'm going to be able to deal with her. She actually had the gall to tell me to my face that she expects to turn me gay!"
"Um, actually, I think she just wants ta turn ya bi."
"Whatever. It's creepy."
"Hey, I don't pretend ta understand why Kodachi gets weird ideas like that. I've just been doin' my best ta ignore them."
"Just how do you do that?"
"It's pretty simple. I just don't care."
"If it makes you feel any better, she gave me pretty much the same spiel," came a new voice.
"Oh, hi, Ukyo. Um… how are you doing with the… um…"
"The lucid dreaming?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Well, it sort of depends. I've kind of been slipping in and out of lucidity all evening. But Ranchan's been a big help—so far, I think I've only woken up twice tonight."
"Oh… is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, I'm okay."
"If you say so. So, you say Kodachi's trying to get you in bed, too?"
"Akane, if she had her way, she'd have all of us in bed. At the same time, at that."
Akane reacted to this possibility the way she did to any suggestion of kink; with feelings of nausea and disgust.
Ukyo sighed. "You're really going to have to get over that, Akane. You know that people are going to be saying things like that when they find out about this. Hell, they were probably saying that we do stuff like that before this telepathy mess happened."
"I know… it's just… I don't want them to be right."
"Akane, I don't think anyone's going to force you to do anything."
"Anyone? You mean you're interested too?!"
"No… I'm not saying that at all. It's just that I've never really given the matter much thought."
"That doesn't mean it's true."
"That's not what I was getting at either. I guess what I'm saying is that once all this settles down, and if it looks like this group marriage thing really is going to last the rest of our lives, I might be willing to… experiment a little bit. Who knows? Maybe the Amazon view of sexuality in general will make it more palatable. Or maybe Kodachi's right about everyone being bisexual." Ukyo glanced up to see a rather familiar expression on the youngest Tendo's face. "Don't give me that look, Akane. I'm not suggesting that you should do the same thing. I'm not even certain that I want to do anything like that myself."
"I know… I just wish something around here would be normal."
"Normal?" interjected Ranma's voice. "Sorry, Akane, but I just don't do normal."
"Oh, sorry, Ranma. I forgot you were there for a minute."
"Actually, I wasn't there—I had ta break up a fight between Kodachi an' Shampoo."
"Shampoo's here?"
"Uh-huh. An' Kodachi apparently gave her the same talk she gave ta you two, 'xcept she obviously thought Shampoo would be more open ta her ideas."
"You mean she isn't?"
"Nope. Apparently, she ain't as easy as Kodachi thought she'd be. Shampoo doesn't have any interest in consummatin' her marriage with Kodachi at the moment."
"Why not?"
"Don't know, though I think Akane's name came up in their conversation—that's what attracted my attention, actually. I sorta broke it up before it could go any further."
"So, where are they now?"
"Oh, they're still talking, but they've agreed to try an' keep things civil. I left 'cuz they're startin' ta get inta the really abstract stuff like ethics an' psychology an' other stuff that just goes right over my head."
Akane sighed once again. "Who'd have thought that those two would end up being the most intelligent ones out of all of us?"
"Well, Kodachi always struck me as bein' smart—just outta touch with reality. I gotta admit that I never expected that sorta thing from Shampoo, though."
"I guess cultural differences are more confusing than we ever thought," Akane concluded.
"You know what else is confusing?" Ukyo asked. "Phone booths with botanical gardens inside."
The non sequitur took Akane by surprise. "Um, Ukyo, are you okay?"
"What? Did I say something strange? Because phone booths with botanical gardens are pretty damn confusing, though admittedly not as confusing as the North Korean purple-flecked nose weasel."
"Huh?"
Ranma leaned over to Akane and whispered into her ear: "She's forgotten that she's dreamin'—she might not make much sense for a while."
"Hey, do you really think we should be standing around here? The Jabberwocky could show up at any minute."
"Uh, yeah, ya gotta point, Ucchan. Ya'd better turn off the lights so it can't see us."
"Good idea." The okonmiyaki chef stood up and headed off towards the nearest light switch.
This did not alleviate any of Akane's confusion. "Lights? What lights?"
"The ones in this room, obviously."
"Room? Ranma, we're in a for—" Akane looked around and realized that they were no longer in the forest clearing, but were instead in a bare, unfurnished room with white walls and hardwood floors. "What the heck happened to the forest?"
Ranma again leaned over to whisper in his fiancée's ear. "This is a dream, remember? We can change the setting pretty easy. I just moved us inta this room so Ukyo can get lucid again."
"How?"
"Simple. A lotta times when yer dreamin', light switches don't work."
"That also happens when a bulb burns out."
"Yeah… but what if the light switch won't turn off a bulb?"
Ukyo interrupted this conversation by calling out to her best friend: "Um, Ranchan, is this the right light switch? Because it isn't working."
"No, that's the right switch, Ucchan."
"So why aren't the lights going out? It doesn't make any sense."
"Nope, it don't make no sense, does it?"
"Ranchan? What does… wait, I'm dreaming again…"
"Ucchan… Ucchan? Ah, crap. I really thought she'd gotten the hang of it."
"The hang of what?"
"Keepin' her lucidity without wakin' up. Guess she still needs some more practice." Ranma looked up at Akane to see his fiancée sighing. "Are ya really gonna be okay, Akane?"
"I… I don't know," Akane said.
"Akane… I'm sorry I put ya through this. This ain't the way things shoulda happened. I shoulda just said somethin' sooner…."
"Ranma?"
"I guess what I'm sayin' is…. I dunno. I wanna say somethin' romantic right now, like how I like ya better than the others, but I can't. I mean, I still don't really understand what love is, an I ain't certain it's right ta single you out…."
It was painfully awkward, but it this was enough for Akane, who threw her arms around her fiancé and hugged him as tightly as she could (which was pretty tight, seeing as she wasn't bound by any laws of physics). "Thanks, Ranma."
"Don't mention it."