That the mood in the Nekohanten was tense came as no surprise. Cologne had expected some initial hostility as Ranma and his suitors gathered in a back room of the establishment (wouldn’t want the customers to hear this conversation, after all). However, she’d also expected that the majority of the hostility would be directed at her, due to her rather abrupt use of the Xi Fa Xiang Gao on Shampoo; thus, the conversation amongst the teenagers took her off guard.
“I still can’t believe you’d do something like that,” said Akane in a huff.
“An’ I can’t believe yer makin’ such a big deal outta this!” her fiancé retorted. Admittedly, this was not very surprising in and of itself — it seemed that each new day brought with it new excuses for Ranma and Akane to get into various arguments. It was the next statement, however, that revealed the subject of this particular argument to have much more gravity than the pair’s usual squabbles.
“You cheated, Ranma!” Ukyo said, laying aside her customary pet name for the pigtailed artist in order to more accurately convey her frustration and disappointment.
“How was it cheatin’?”
“It’s cheating because you didn’t come up with the answer yourself; you just got it from me and Ukyo!”
“Hey, Tanaka-sensei just asked if I knew how many ships were in Perry’s fleet — an thanks ta you two, I did know the answer, so I gave it ta him. He never asked if I’d actually taken the time ta learn it.”
“That’s because he has no reason to think that you’d have any other way of knowing it,” Ukyo responded. “You’re completely destroying the whole point of education…. Yes, Ranma, there is a point to it, and you know it.”
“Ugh,” Ranma grunted, eager to wrap up this train wreck of a conversation. “Fine, I’ll grant ya that that ain’t the kinda thing I oughta be doin’ ta get better grades — but this wasn’t for a quiz or test or nuthin’ like that. He was just askin’ ta see whether or not I was payin’ attention, that’s all.”
“You weren’t paying attention!” Akane roared.
Kodachi, in a somewhat ill-advised move, took this opportunity to enter the fray and defend her Ranma-sama. “Well, if I may say something—”
“You stay out of this, you wacko,” Ukyo said with a glare.
“I hardly think that feasible; after all, are any of us even capable of ‘staying out’ of the affairs of the mind where Ranma is concerned?”
“Fine. What lunacy do you have to add to this?”
“Only that it makes sense for Ranma to use any factual data he collects from you. After all, the five of us now have a common knowledge base through these links, do we not?”
“Can Airen please try to understand Flower Girl? Shampoo confused enough as it is.”
“I’ll give it my best shot, but I ain’t makin’ no promises.” Ranma was clearly uncomfortable that Kodachi was defending his point of view; this was, in and of itself, enough to make him rethink his position.
Kodachi squinted out a glare of her own at these oblique (if unintentional) insults of her character. “I’m only saying that it’s absurd to expect him to deliberately answer questions wrong simply because you know the correct answers. He should be allowed to take advantage of whatever advantages he can — besides, is this not one of the basic precepts of his Art?”
“Well… yes… that is somewhat in line with the philosophy of Anything Goes,” Akane admitted. “But you can’t just ignore the rules.”
“I didn’t ignore the rules,” Ranma said. “I just bent them a little.”
“And if it had been a graded quiz?”
“I dunno… I’d have figured somethin’ out.”
“In any case,” Cologne said, “your ethical conundrum will have to wait until later. You are here to discuss some of the finer points of Amazon law, after all.”
| Oh, yeah. We still gotta go over that stuff. I oughta smack that old crone for this. | Finally, some answers. Maybe she’ll be able to explain this better than Ranchan could. | Might as well get this over with. I bet it’s going to be something really stupid. | Note to self: Look up “conundrum” in Japanese dictionary. | Joy of joys… I get to learn about the outdated customs of a backwards society. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll have another migraine before this is over? |
| It has to be stupid. The Amazons don’t bring the death penalty into anything unless it’s monumentally stupid. | It’s not that bad, Airen. Really, I would much rather have some of my mind closed off from me than deal with the problems that allowing its contents to escape would cause. | Then again, perhaps a migraine would be more appealing than listening to this drivel. | Wait a minute… Ranchan? Why am I calling him Ranchan? I’m still angry at him! | Huh? Oh, great, I’m havin’ another one of those episodes where I can’t decide who ta pay attention to. I wonder how long I’ll last this time before Cologne has ta knock me out again. |
| Though, I must admit, they can be somewhat pleasing at times, in a droning, slightly masochistic sense. | “Masochistic?” What the hell is that s’posed ta mean? Is Kodachi tryin’ ta bring sex inta things again? | Look, just remember that you’re not off the hook yet, Rancha— Ranma. Ranma? Are you even listening? | I mean, just once, I’d like to hear about an Amazon custom that actually makes sense. Just once, that’s all. | I suggest you focus on Great-grandmother, Airen. I assure you, her explanation will be of a much better quality than my own feeble attempts… Airen? |
Somehow, Cologne had a feeling that the five teenagers would need some time to switch their attention to the task at hand, so she waited a few seconds before continuing. “As you all likely know by now, this morning, I used the Xi Fa Xiang Gao technique to block some of my great-granddaughters memories in an effort to keep them from escaping unintentionally. This information is highly sensitive, and to allow outsiders to learn of them is strictly forbidden, and to be prevented at all costs.”
“Yeah, yeah, we know,” Ranma said. “Yer gonna hafta send the death squads after us.”
“Actually, you would likely receive the same punishment as Shampoo, as you are already an Amazon according to our law — but I digress,” Cologne hastily added to keep the conversation from veering into the dangerous territory of Ranma’s marital status. “I want to assure you that Shampoo has not forgotten anything which will change her personality in any way.”
“Just what did you erase, anyway?” Akane asked.
“Were you even listening to what I said?” Cologne asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I didn’t mean that. I’m asking what kind of information was erased. Surely you can tell us that.”
“I could, but I don’t think it wise. You see, I don’t want to do anything that would speed up the return of Shampoo’s memories until a permanent solution is reached.”
“Huh? Whaddya mean by that?” Ranma asked.
“It’s quite simple: the effects of the Xi Fa Xiang Gao aren’t permanent. Remember, the memories aren’t erased, they are merely blocked; over time, those blocks deteriorate. Furthermore, all Amazons go through training that allows their subconscious to speed up that deterioration considerably — this is done to drastically reduce its effectiveness should our enemies try to use it against us.”
“But couldn’t someone just block the training?” Ukyo asked.
“No. Remember, the training is subconscious; and the technique only affects the conscious mind. In any case, if I mention the specific bits of information, her subconscious could use that to accelerate the deterioration.”
“Indeed,” replied Kodachi. “And just how long will these blocks last without any hints.”
“It’s hard to tell,” the Matriarch replied. “It depends on the mental resiliency of the victim. But in Shampoo’s case, I’d say you have two, maybe three weeks before the Xi Fa Xiang Gao wears off, assuming that she takes what precautions she can to delay the breakdown.”
“Shampoo will do so.”
“As I knew you would,” Cologne told her progeny.
“So, what, we got two weeks ta think of a solution?”
“No,” the wizened Amazon corrected. “You have two weeks to implement a solution, which means you’ll have to decide on one relatively soon. Now, I have thought of several possible solutions….”
“Well, what’re ya waitin’ for? Let’s hear ’em!”
“Before I begin, I must warn you that the chances of any of you will like any of the possibilities I am about to suggest are extremely slim.”
“Will you quit stalling and just tell us?” asked Ukyo with no small amount of irritation.
“Very well,” replied Cologne.
And thus, she informed them of their options. “My first suggestion is to petition the Amazon Council for an exemption. If successful, this option would likely have the fewest long-term effects.”
Kodachi did not seem particularly enthused with this possibility. “Let me guess: this exemption won’t arrive in time, if at all.”
Such pessimism didn’t sit well with Akane, who thought the idea of few long-term effects rather appealing. “How would you know that?”
“Simple. It’s a bureaucracy. They never do anything quickly, even when they’re backwards gaijin— ow!”
Cologne retracted her staff from where she’d struck the gymnast. “My dear, you really should lose that habit of insulting people to their face—particularly since the faces in this room all belong to extremely skilled martial artists. But I must admit that you are also correct; the Amazon Council will likely never agree to such a drastic deviation from tradition in such a short amount of time.”
“Okay,” Ranma responded, “so what else ya got?”
“Well, rather than asking the Council to exempt the three of you who technically aren’t Amazons, we could instead formally induct Akane, Ukyo, and Kodachi into the tribe. This would involve a series of trials to prove your physical and mental strength, but I'm almost certain that all three of you could pass without much difficulty. Obviously, as Amazons, there would be no problem with you learning the tribe’s secrets.”
“But if we’re Amazons, does that mean we’d be subject to all the parts of Amazon law? Including the ones specifically for single women?“
“That is correct, Ukyo.”
Ranma seemed a bit confused about this. Huh? Whaddya mean by that, Ucchan?
I’m talking about the marriage laws, Ranchan—I mean, Ranma.
Marriage laws?
You know, the ones that say that an unmarried Amazon woman has to marry any outsider male who defeats her? The ones that got you into this mess in the first place?
Oh. Those marriage laws. Ranma shook his head and looked at Cologne. “I, uh, kinda doubt that that solution’s gonna work too well, what with the way the martial artists here keep gettin’ formal challenges and all.”
“Not to mention the idiots who keep trying to get in a lucky shot,” Akane added darkly.
Cologne simply nodded in response; she had expected that the other suitors, especially Akane, would not be very responsive to this one, so she moved on to the next possibility. “Now, there may be still be a way to remove these links, or at least lessen their strength to the point where Shampoo can keep any sensitive information to herself.”
“That sound like good idea, Great-Grandmother,” Shampoo said enthusiastically. “How we do that?”
“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” the old woman admitted.
“Then why bother bringing it up at all?” Akane asked with an irritated edge to her voice.
“I am not so vain as to think that I have the answers to everything,” Cologne replied. “As I told you previously, I have very little experience dealing with telepaths. It’s well within the realm of possibility that I’m overlooking a potential solution. You may wish to try and find someone with more experience to advise you.”
Kodachi seemed skeptical of this. “And where, pray tell, would we find someone with an appropriate amount of relevant experience?”
Cologne answered with a simple shrug of her shoulders.
Ranma sighed. “So is that all ya got?”
“No, Ranma, it isn’t. In fact, I have yet to mention what I believe may be the most prudent choice. You see, your other three suitors could be inducted into the tribe via a method that would render the obligations normally required by our marriage law utterly moot. Furthermore, this option has the benefit of being the quickest to execute, and the chances of its success are all but guaranteed.”
“What? Why didn’t ya mention this earlier?”
“I’m guessing that there’s some major catch to it that we’re not going to like,” Ukyo theorized.
“Well, I wouldn’t call it a ‘catch,’ really,” Cologne said. “That would imply that the disagreeable aspects of this solution would be difficult to uncover. However, I am convinced that this is your best chance at a viable long-term solution to your problem, though in the end, of course, the decision will be up to the five of you.”
“Cease this stalling and tell us what it is, crone,” Kodachi said with a sneer.
“Very well. It would actually be quite simple for Akane, Ukyo, and Kodachi to get around the obligations we place on our unmarried tribeswomen: they need only join Shampoo and Ranma in a group marriage.”
“What?!”
Cologne had certainly been correct in her prediction that none of the teenagers would find any of her options all that appealing, but as none of them could think of any other ideas, they proceeded to have a long, arduous conversation where they crossed each option off the list, one by one, until they came to what was agreed, by consensus, to be the least of a series of very disagreeable evils: the group marriage. As Amazons, none would have to worry about the consequences of having access to otherwise forbidden knowledge through Shampoo, and as wedded Amazons, none of them would have to worry about having to marry anyone who defeated them in combat (something that could have been a particularly bad problem for Akane).
Still, this choice was not made without hesitation, as the telepaths’ reaction showed. “Okay, Cologne,” Ranma said, “before we agree ta this, we wanna make sure that we can actually, ya know, do this. I mean, I’m pretty sure polygamy’s illegal in Japan.”
“Ah, but what about polygamous marriage that are recognized in foreign lands?” Cologne countered.
“The People’s Republic of China outlaws polygamy as well,” Kodachi responded, “on the grounds that it is a product of the bourgeois class structure.”
“That’s the official version, true,” Cologne admitted, “but anyone who thinks that the PRC government is still Marxist obviously knows nothing of reality. The truth is, a large number of men in China have ‘secret wives’ that aren’t registered with the government. That’s the real reason polygamy’s outlawed in China: the bureaucrats don’t want to deal with the paperwork.
“The Amazons, however, are largely autonomous, and for the same reason: the government would rather not deal with us, especially since we aren’t going to try to move against them unless provoked. Sure, the Jusenkyo Guide is supposed to report back regularly to make sure we’re on the up and up, but even he tends to look the other way when some of our more ‘esoteric’ traditions come up.”
“Uh…” said Ranma, who wasn’t quite following the conversation.
“The Chinese government lets us handle our own records and traditions, because we’re too small to be worth their time.”
“Is there an actual document stating as much?” Kodachi asked.
The Matriarch nodded. “Yes, there is. We are allowed to practice our own ways so long as we don’t contribute to anything that would upset the status quo in Beijing.”
“So, in other words, you’re saying that the five of us can get married despite Chinese law,” Ukyo summed up.
“Precisely.”
“I don’t really care about Chinese law,” Akane said. “I’m not Chinese. What I want to know is if the marriage will count under Japanese law. You know my father and Genma aren’t going to cooperate with any plan that doesn’t result in a legitimate heir for the schools.”
“Ah, yes, well, that’s where connections come in handy.”
“What do you mean ‘connections’?” Akane asked.
“I mean the contacts I have in a few Japanese governmental agencies.”
“Wait up. You got contacts with our government?” Ranma asked. That seemed a little unlikely, given the remoteness of the Amazon village.
Cologne smirked. “How else do you think a foreign national can set up a business like the Nekohanten in less than a week?”
“Oh.”
“But to answer your question, over the last few centuries, the Amazon people have accrued quite a few favors, which comes in handy when you’re dealing with a culture that’s obsessed with honor. And Ranma is hardly the first instance of a Japanese national coming under the sway of our marriage laws. Like their counterparts in Beijing, the Japanese government has discovered that it’s much easier to let us have our way, to the point where there’s actually an obscure loophole in Japanese marriage law specifically for us.”
“If you ask me, it sounds too good to be true,” Ukyo said, having stretched her suspension of disbelief as far as it would go.
“Well, to be honest, this would be the first time I’ve tried to pull off a polygamous marriage on foreign soil,” Cologne admitted. “That’s why I put in a few well-placed phone calls. Once it’s understood that ours is not a culture to be trifled with, dialogue generally moves along very quickly. In fact,” she said, glancing at a clock on the wall, “I should be hearing back from someone right… abou—”
Cologne was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing in the hallway. “Hmmm… three seconds slow. Remind me to adjust that clock later, Shampoo.”
“Yes, Great-grandmother.”
“If you will excuse me for a moment,” Cologne hopped off her staff and went to answer the phone.
The conversation resumed as she shut the door behind her.
“Ya feelin’ okay, Akane?”
“Of course not! Jeez, I’m actually taking this seriously! You people…”
“Um, actually…” Shampoo started.
“What is it?”
“Shampoo just realize that it might be worse for Akane than before.”
“Of course it’s going to be worse than before. Before I was headed towards a nice, normal, monogamous marriage—”
“No… that not what Shampoo mean. Mess up grammar again.”
“Well, why don’t ya try explainin’ it ta me, an’ I can see if I can explain it.”
“Ah, no offense, Airen, but Shampoo not certain if you get head wrapped around this one.”
“Give it a shot anyway.”
Very well. It just occurred to me that you all may have been thinking about this marriage in polygynous terms: that when the process is finalized, you will have four wives.
Okay, so you think we think that I’m gettin’ four wives, Ranma repeated, as much for his own benefit as the three other women who were linked to him. What, ya mean that’s not what’s goin’ on?
Well, it’s true that you’re going to be getting four wives, but that’s not all that’s going to happen.
There’s more?
Indeed. When more than two people are involved in an Amazon marriage, it is truly polygamous, rather than polygynous or polyandrous.
Yer losin’ me, here, Shampoo.
The Amazon nodded and decided to try speaking again. “Amazon marriage not just each girl marry Ranma and Ranma marry all girls — Amazon marriage mean everyone marry everyone.”
Kodachi figured out the implications immediately, causing her eyes to get wider (and her imagination to run wilder, much to Ranma’s consternation). Ukyo, on the other hand, remained confused. “What? What does that mean?”
“Well… take Shampoo. Shampoo going to be married to Ranma, yes?”
“Right…”
“But it not stop there. Shampoo also marry Ukyo, and Akane, and Crazy Flower Girl.”
Ukyo paled. “Wait… you mean… we’re not going to be sister-wives to Ranma, but… but you’re going to be my wife? Directly?!”
“Yes. And you also married to Akane and Kodachi, and they married to each other, and we all married to Ranma.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me… that’s… that’s insane!”
“How? Amazon no have taboo against relations between women—”
“Stop, Shampoo,” Ranma suddenly said.
“Why? Only trying to explain…” The Amazon then followed her beloved’s line of vision to where Akane sat with her hands in her face, clearly sobbing. “Oh no….” The Amazon was reminded of just how conservative her rival’s sexuality was — the idea of actually being married to another women (let alone three) might have been too much for her psyche. Great. Just great. I can’t do anything right with that girl.
Ranma put his hand on Akane’s shoulder. Are ya gonna be okay?
The sobbing continued unabated as the youngest Tendo thought back her response, though her distress was making it difficult for her to think coherently. I… I don’t know. I… I just… I don’t want people to think….
Ya don’t hafta be a part of this. Maybe ya can just go through those trials Cologne mentioned—
No! Akane shouted in her mind, her thoughts suddenly coalescing. I can’t become an Amazon that way! That would actually justify what those goddamned perverts at Furinkan try to do to me every morning! I can’t let that happen….
Well, maybe there’s a way we haven’t thought of….
No… no, I can’t… not if you do it this way….
Why not? I don’t want ya ta do somethin’ that’d make ya unhappy.
But I… I don’t….
What is it, Akane?
I don’t want to lose you….
Ranma stared at Akane, trying to process what he’d just heard, and as a result, allowing the others to learn what Akane had just admitted, which had a general sobering effect as they realized that Akane, despite all of her vocal protests to the contrary, did indeed care about the young man for whose affections they’d been competing… to the point where she was willing to apparently not only share Ranma with them to stay in his life, but herself as well… and furthermore, each of them felt the same way.
After a minute of silence, once Akane’s sobs had quieted down, Shampoo spoke up again. “Um, Akane… Amazon marriage not mean have to make love with wives if no want to. You not have to break Japanese taboo.”
“If she agrees to do this she’ll already be breaking them, you gaijin dunderhead,” Kodachi corrected with a sneer.
This was followed by another awkward silence.
“So,” Ukyo said in another attempt to break the silence. “Does that mean we’re all in?”
There was a round of nods. “Akane?” Ranma said. “You gonna be okay?”
“I… I think so… I mean… I’m probably going to cry myself dry again once I get home… but I get that from my father,” she finished with a weak attempt at a joke, which was rewarded with three smiles (and that smug look that Kodachi always wore on her face). “I know it won’t be easy… but I think I’m willing to do it.”
“Glad to hear it,” came a voice from the door.
“Great-grandmother? How long you been there?”
“Not for very long, but long enough to tell that Miss Tendo is going through a lot of emotional turmoil.” She hopped onto the table. “Believe me, child, if there was a simpler way out of this, I would have suggested it. In any case, I have just gotten off the phone with my contacts, and, as expected, the Japanese government is rather anxious to avoid the arrival of a fresh squadron of Amazon and the large-scale property damage they can cause, so it appears that they’re willing to acquiesce. I have been assured that all the paperwork will be here tomorrow morning, at which point you can all sign it and make your ‘arrangement’ official. Of course, in order to keep from raising suspicion, none of you will be changing your names.”
The four Japanese teenagers nodded.
“Well, then, all that’s left is the marriage ceremony, which we can begin after I contact the Amazon Council.”
“Contacting the Amazon Council? How long will that take?” Ukyo asked.
“It shouldn’t take long at all. I just need to make a few phone calls.”
“The Amazons have telephones?” Kodachi asked, clearly surprised.
“No, but the Jusenkyo Guide does. As I’ve mentioned before, the tribe is on extremely good terms with him, and he is generally willing to assist us in making sure that nothing in the area attracts undesired attention, from Beijing or anywhere else. I’m almost certain he’ll be willing to let us use his phone for communication, especially since I’m the one who will be paying for the international call.”
“But you said that they almost never reach decisions in two weeks,” Akane pointed out. “Will that be enough time?”
“My dear, when I said that, I was talking about convincing them to grant you an official exemption from our customs — something for which there are very few precedents in our culture. However, there is a precedent for polygamous marriage: in fact, our founding legend centers on a group marriage of seven males and sixteen females, so not even the size of your group should be a great obstruction. No, this will likely be nothing more than a rubber-stamping session, though I will of course inform you immediately if the proceedings do not go as smoothly as I expect.
“In any case, it will still likely be at least several hours before all the details with the Council are hammered out, so we may as well wait until tomorrow morning, when the paperwork from the Japanese government arrives. It shouldn’t be too much of a problem, as I believe that you don’t have school tomorrow.”
“Yeah…” Ranma said absently. “So I guess we’ll all show up here next morning, then?”
“That sounds like as good an idea as any,” Ukyo agreed. None of the other telepaths had any problems with this either.
“So, I guess that’s pretty much everything there is ta talk about for now,” Ranma commented in a resigned voice.
“What about Mousse?” Akane suddenly asked. “Something tells me he’s not going to be very cooperative.”
“That is very likely true, but once Ranma has finalized his marriage with Shampoo, there will be little he can do about it. Amazon society frowns on unwarranted attacks against fellow members of the tribe, and after the marriage, all of you will qualify.”
“What about Ninja Girl?” Shampoo then asked Ukyo.
“What? Konatsu? He’s a guy.”
“Shampoo know that. Still think ‘Ninja Girl’ best description. But that beside point. He in love with you, right?”
“Oh… yeah, I guess he is. But… but he’s pretty sane, as far as Nerima goes — I don’t think he’d do anything to make me unhappy.”
“And what if he think that Spatula Girl unhappy in group marriage?”
“I… I don’t know.” I suppose I’ll have to try and make him accept that he can’t have me… but I don’t want to lose his friendship.
Now ya know how I’ve been feelin’ for the last coupla months.
What? What’s that supposed to mean?
Why do ya think I never got around ta choosin’ just one of ya? You guys are the best friends I got. Well, except for Kodachi.
Um, Ranchan, she can hear you.
So? She don’t care. She thinks the redheaded harridan’s got some spell on me that keeps me from likin’ her, remember?
Oh, right. Ukyo returned the conversation to the verbal realm. “I guess I’ll figure it out when it happens.”
“Well, if there’s nothing else worth talking about, I suggest we leave,” Kodachi said.
“That’s as good an idea as any,” Ranma concurred. “I guess we’ll see ya tomorrow, Cologne.”
“That I will, Son-in-law.”