Ballet Jokes
"No, Agnes, it's a beautiful costume. But I'm sure I distinctly said, 'MOUSE King'..."
Hilary B. Miller, Esq., offers this as "possibly the world's oldest, dumbest ballet joke," attributing it to Alan Barker, former principal conductor of American Ballet Theatre:
Excavation of an archeological site in Egypt revealed the tomb of a previously undiscovered pharaoh. Before the tomb was to be unsealed, the three great leaders of the world -- Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Fidel Castro -- were summoned to witness the monumental event. Upon entering the tomb, the three leaders became aware of the presence of a mummy -- and it was alive. They bickered about who would approach the mummy first. Clinton said, "I am the leader of the world's freest nation. I will go first." So he started to go forward, but the mummy shook his head, indicating that Clinton should stand his ground. Then Yeltsin said, "I am leader of world's most dynamic nation. I will go first." As he approached, again the mummy shook his head. Finally, Castro said, "I am the leader of the world's most revolutionary nation. Obviously I will go first." So Castro approached the mummy. As he drew closer, the mummy beckoned: come closer, closer. The mummy continued to beckon until Castro's ear was only a few inches away from the mummy's mouth. Then, in a voice barely audible, the mummy whispered, "Tell me,is Alonso still dancing?"
"Dinkums" sends the following "Nutcracker" story:
"We were doing a school production of Nutcracker, and all of us were watching Clara dance about with her new toy, as Fritz watched. As the story goes, Fritz steals the nutcracker and steps on it, breaking it. In ourproduction, Fritz took the doll and set it down on the stage. He was told tostep in front of it, to make the illusion of stepping on it. Trying to be on the music, he had to rush a bit, the nutcracker rolled upstage, and heactually stepped ON the nutcracker, causing its head to fly clear across thestage! Drosselmeyer went over to magically fix the toy, but he couldn't get the head back on! Clara had to dance for the rest of the show with a headless Nutcracker. My sides ache every time I watch the video."
Q: What's the difference between a ballet dancer and a pit bull?
A: The jewelry.-- Contributed by Petra Silfverskioeld
Q: How many ballet dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Answer 1: One. She holds the light-bulb and the world revolves around her.Answer 2: Two. One to hold her diet cola, and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
-- Contributed by Petra Silfverskild
[Egad, more light-bulb answers from Rebecca West:]
Answer 3: As if she would demean herself that way!Answer 4: None. It's not in her contract.
Q: What's the difference between a ballet dancer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.-- Contributed by Petra Silfverskioeld
Tamara Young sends this child's-eye view of the competition scene:"After the annual ballet concert, one of the 5-year olds told me that her friend was upset that she did not recieve the class medal. At their next lesson, I started to give the primaries a little lecture about how we all can't get the medal. One of them piped up 'Yeah, cause if we did there'd be a long line of people standing across the stage and into the black things (wings) and up the stairs and into the dressing-room ...'
More teacher talk from "lesdavis":In a ballet class of young students who had just gotten their new pointeshoes the teacher told them they were to work on their grand jetes. The girls all mumbled because they would not get to wear their pretty pink shoes. One brave girl came forward and said to the teacher "Do we have to?"The teacher replied calmly, "You don't have to." (All the girls started to smile.) The teacher continued, "You get to."
[Editor's note: give 'em a few years, les, and they'll do ANYTHING to avoid putting those pointe shoes on!]
A courageous correspondent tells this true story on herself:
" Had a story for the ballet laughs (not a hugely funny one but I laughed a lot) It's a Nutcracker story. I am dancing among other things the role of Mama Baker in the Bakers scene. this scene varies greatly from Nutcrakcer to Nutcracker--it's the scene with Candy Canes and Mother Ginger. Anyway in our version of the Nutcracker at the very end of this scene, Papa Baker accidentally spanks Mama with his wooden spoon. Mama gets mad and chases him with her wooden spoon and the scene ends as Papa gets behind mama and spanks her again. This requires me as Mama to do a huge jump when Papa spanks and that's how I exit the stage. Any way the biggest part of our stage is covered by vinyl ballet floor but as soon as you get to the wings there is slippery wooden floor. So during dress rehearsal I was having fun and doing my ending jump huge and fast. I was fine when I took off from the vinyl floor but as soon as my feet touched down on the wooden floor the momentum of my jump caused me to slide first on my feet and then to fall down on my backside and then to slide on my backside backward/sideways into the curtain. And of course as I always do when I fall I had to laugh at myself. Isn't that the best way? Because you know you look funny so laugh at yourself!"
[Editor's note: Whenever dancers fall onstage, I always try to console them with this quote from Toni Bentley's book Winter Season: "Mr. Balanchine is known to like those who fall; it indicates an energy and restlessness that are essential to excitement."
The Russian danseuse probably didn't realize how it sounded when she said: "HOW could he give ze lead in "Les Sylphides" to HER? He knows I am ze best Fokine ballerina in zis company!"
[Editor's note: That's THE raunchiest joke we will ever include! Keep it clean, people!]
[Further editor's note: Correspondent Dudley Brooks sent us further information from someone who claimed to be there in person when the original gaffe occurred: "The ballerina in question was Natalia Krassovska, and the performance was by Anton Dolin's London Festival Ballet. I don't know the date or place." Dudley includes even more examples of the ballerina's unintentionally naughty curtain speech -- but sorry, Dudley, they're far too blue to include here!]
