Sometimes its hard to see where God is leading you in life. You just wonder "Am I going the right way? Did I make a wrong turn? GOD WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!?"

Sometimes the right path is more confusing and frustrating then the wrong one. Why is that? Could God be testing you to make sure you're in it full throttle? Is he checking to see how far you are willing to go? Maybe he just turns us around a little bit so we'll eventually see where we came from and where we're going are WAY different, and that our labour was worth it all. I have a hard time understanding it all, but I do know that I always come out stronger in the end.

I still don't know what he has in store for me, but I do know its something big. I just can't seem to put my whole trust in him to lead me where I'm going. Why is it that we get too content where we are at? Can't we see that if we'd just let God move us, we'll have even better things ahead? And why is it that when we finally see that its time for a change, that we rely on ourselves instead of God? God never told us to take our own hand and lead the way. Instead, he wants us to have so much trust in him, that we are willing to put a blindfold on and let him be our guide. How many of us actually do that?

Even though I'm constantly worrying about where I'm going to college, what I'm going to be, who God has for me, and when I'll meet him, I'm going to begin to put that blindfold on. I'm going to take a big jump of faith, and trust that he has something prepared to catch me.... I might dream of it being my "knight in shining armour" but come to think of it, I wouldn't see him anyway until God lets me take off the blindfold. :-P

If I don't go to Cedarville, and become a teacher. If I never really see the path clearly, just let YOU lead me... God help me to accept it, and trust you and praise you for all things. For if I'm blindfolded, I can't see what you have to save me from. Help my faith not to grow week, but help me feel your mighty power, and realize all the heartaches, headaches, stress and tears you've saved me from.

9/7/05

People... sometimes good, and sometimes not. Why do I always see the not? It seems like I'm always being let down. Am I really letting myself down by putting so much trust in people? Shouldn't all my trust be put in Christ, and in Christ alone? Sometimes I just don't get it.

How can the exact same people who made me laugh, smile and happy, be same people who make me cry, angry and sad? How can a person who was always there sticking up for me, be the person who hurts me the most? How can someone who took care of my family, fed us, clothed us, took us in when we needed it, watched out for us and was there through everything, how can that same person just turn their back on us and thrust a knife into ours? Is it really possible to truly love someone and then just change everything and spread lies and do your best to ruin their lives, and most of all, their good name? WHY WOULD GOD LET THAT HAPPEN?

I understand God is telling me that man will always let me down. He is saying, "I'm the only one who will always be there for you. I am the only truly faithful one." But does that lesson have to completly ruin my trust in all mankind? Isn't there someone I can trust?

I've always had a hard time putting trust in people. I'm just down right skeptical of everyone and everything. It isn't really because I've been let down a ton of times. Yes, I have been let down a time or two, but that's not why. I just don't go around trusting people. It takes a lot to earn my trust, and I always thought that was a good thing. I guess by the time I finally found someone I thought I could trust, I gave him too much, and didn't give God enough. Maybe thats why God is teaching me this lesson.

What I do know is that in a short time I've gone from holding a human being in very high esteem, to thinking he is just a piece of crap. I know what I'm feeling now STILL isn't right, it is actually worse then his actions towards me and my family... but when someone who you've given so much trust, love and respect lets you down, you can't help but taking all the anger you have towards yourself for being so stupid, and placing all your anger towards that person. Sometimes I just wish I had never met him, I wish I had never thought of him as my second father, I wish I never loved him so much, that he was never my Pastor, leader and shepherd, and I wish God had never sent him to care for me. But I know one day I'll look back and thank God for this lesson in Trust.

Dear God,

Help me to forgive him. Right now I can't bring myself to do it. I know we are supposed to forgive those who hurt us... but sometimes I we we only had to do it if they ask forgiveness. Lord, help me to be willing to forgive him. Help me to heartily be at peace. I know things will never be the same, but help me to learn to trust again, and let it all be in you God. Thank you for this lesson you are teaching me, even if I don't like it very much. Help me to learn and move on. closer to you. Heal my heart please, and my wounded spirit.

Your ever stumbling Daughter, - Charlee

9/23/05

Is this what you've been trying to teach me my whole life? How could I be so blind that it takes SO long to get the message across to me?

"Focus on what I have for you NOW, and let me take care of your future for you" - a direct quote from God to me

For the past few years all I've really done is make plans for the future. Be a musician, a doctor, missionary, teacher, psychiatrist... every day I was something different. As time went on I minimized my list to musician and teacher. Why is it that I told myself it was MY decision? Haven't I been telling God that I was letting him take control Then why did I put it upon myself to decide from my future? Teaching and Music are two passions of mine, so naturally I assumed one of those was my futures. Why did it never dawn on my that those are my passions NOW because the Boys needed a music teacher, or Brad needed a friend who loves music as much ahs he does? Yes, God might have one of those in my future for me, but right now I need to be focusing on what God has for me to do NOW, and let plan tomorrow for me.

So, now I can honestly say, I don't know where I'm going to college, what I'm going to be, and what I do... and I really don't care!! What I do know is God wants me to be the best piano teacher I can be, he wants me to share my love for music with the boys so they can have the same love, and God put me where I am now so I can be a friend to Brad when he needs one most.

God, Thank you for not giving up on me. I'm so glad you finally got through to me! Help me not to worry about what's down the road, but help me to focus on what you have set before me now. Help me show your love to Brad so he can see you and except you as his Saviour. Help me to be the best I can be for you. Use me, guide me and continue to bless me. Grant me wisdom God!

Your thick-headed daughter, - Charlee