How come if God and I see two different things that are good for me, and through circumstances, God reveals his plan, I feel like there has been a mistake. Why do I say, "God, didn't you hear what I asked?" I felt like I was begging for a good thing, but God saw something better. Why is it that the "something better" is the very last thing I wanted? I just don't understand WHY things always go WAY different then I want and pray. I begged God for a church with a good teen group, but did I also not pray for God to help mom and dad in there decision making? Did I not tell him I'd be content with their decision? So why am I not content? Did God let me down or did I let myself down? AM I letting myself down? I'm bound and determined to NOT be happy with my parents decision, but thats the opposite of what I said I'd do. I keep looking for a way out, a sign, a direction. Shouldn't I be looking for a way in? A positive view about this situation? Instead of complaining that I can't be a part of the youth group I want, shouldn't I be happy that mom found a church she's happy at?

I may not like the church, the people or the youth group, but the thing is, my parents do. Shouldn't I let them be happy for a change? No, I'm not happy about this decision that was made without me, but I'll pray for peace, acceptance, guidance and a lot of help. This won't be easy for me, and I'm sure I'll struggle with understanding, but with God's help, I'll try. For mom sake I'll try.

God,

I still don't understand. I was really hoping to be part of a close knit youth group. Obviously you have other plans. Use this experience, this struggle and change as a chance for me to grow and gain wisdom. Help me Lord!

Later... 10/02/05

God,

Help me be who you would have me to be. Give me grace and wisdom. Guide me, and help me be a Proverbs 31 woman. Keep my heart safe for me. Help me to remember my covenants I've made with you. Help me be a friend I need to be, without letting my emotions get in the way. Help me stay on track of the task you have for me. Keep me in your will, and help me grow into a woman for you.

10/03/05

I just wrote the three words I've been fighting the past five months. "I Forgive You". WOW, the second I wrote that it was like this huge weight lifted off me. I can honestly say it to him (in the back of my journal I have a series of letters I've written to him, without ever sending. This letter simply said "Dear Dr. Farrington: I Forgive You"). Before, the mere thought of ever being at this point I just now reached, seemed utterly impossible... but now, it makes me feel so much better. It took so much to get to this point. A lot of flesh came out through this, but God helped me.

He who cannot forgive others, breaks the bridges over which he himself must pass. - George Herbert

I do believe i just crossed that bridge, and the grass really is greener on this side!!

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it - Mark Twain

God,

Thanks you for helping me through this. I am so glad you have helped me to this point!! Help me to stay here and move forward, with no looking back. Never let me forget what I've just done Lord. Thank You!