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Cry me a river
build me a bridge do us all a favor and jump off of it.
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A
northern fairy tale
starts out "once upon a time.."
A
southern fairy
tale starts out "y'all ain't gon' believe this shit!"
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Murphy's Law of Combat:
"Never forget that your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder"
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SEXY;
its not what you wear. its how you take it off
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Do you know
why
there are so many blonde jokes?
Because the
brunettes have nothing better
to do while all
the blondes are out on dates.
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Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.
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A
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
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I
been turning fellas heads since I first started walking
but
you just been giving fellas headaches since you first started talking.
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The
world would have been a lot better if you had just been a stain
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Specify that your drive-thru order is to go, it confuses people
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I
had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My
imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
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When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers
for
twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.
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I
don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman
who'd be mad at me for saying that
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I
know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights
and
tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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|
An
escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
You
would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign,
just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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The
only reason Santa is so jolly is because
he
knows where all the bad girls live.
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Arguing over the internet is like the Special Olympics:
even if you do win, you're still retarded.
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Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. donate it to the salvation army instead.
They'll clean it & put it on a hanger, Next morning buy it back for 75 cents!
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I
respect vegetarians and their decisions,
but
my thinking is ~ I'm on top of the food chain here,
so
if I can get it, I can eat it.
if
a cow figures out how to kill me and eat me, more power to him!
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Cancel My
Subscription, cuz I'm sick of your issues!!
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Sex is like spades. If you don't have a good partner
u better have a good hand!
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The
best thing about Alzheimer’s is:
You
can hide your own Easter eggs
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Birdie,
birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye?
Looks like
sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP
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When they put
unknown at the end of a quote,
that means
they probably don't no how to spell anonymous
|
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I'm
a babe magnet... just the wrong end
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Dumb is just not knowing... Ditzy is having the courage to ask
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Don't get high on life: cereal hurts when it gets stuck up your nose
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If
you could read my mind...you'd be the 2nd smartest person on earth
|
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I
have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
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My
girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me,
"If
you could know how and when you were going to die,
would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
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I
went for a walk last night and she asked me how
long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
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I
got stopped by a cop the other day.
He
said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"
I
said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
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When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
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If
you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and
to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny
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After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me,
'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'
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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac
|
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I'm
not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain
|
|
I
am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I
am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
|
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Transported to a
surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she
meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill
again.
-= Marin County
newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" =-
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Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
|
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I
like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
|
|
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
|
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You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
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Other
Funny Quotes