01-27-2004 2:20am Sometimes, life is full of surprise and as they come and go, you Begin to live for those surprise. I was going to get stop writting in this weblog because it made me feel vulnerable to the people I am physically close to but I changed my mind since this is a part of me and it's another to get to know me better. Plus, I have closure now and all is well. 01-20-2004 4:50am I can't believe I am still awake. Looks like the insomnia is back. I suppose it must be because so much has happened in the past couple of weeks. My mind is just so full of questions. To try and help me figure out what has been going on, I've been going over old journals online and through the remaining one that I still have on paper. Hasn't really helped much but it is interesting to look back and see how much I have changed. Did you know that I have a secret page on this website? Yep, sure do. It is the page where I write down my most intimate thoughts. Things that I feel the need to write but never can put it in my regular weblog because I am afraid of what I write. Pretty weird eh considering that it is on the internet which means that anyone can find it if they really want to. I can only think of one logical explanation for me putting a secret page. Probably because deep down inside, I must want someone to see it. However, doesn't mean I'm gonna tell you where it is! There is a link to it somewhere but it is hidden and it is up to you to find it. LOL, I wonder if it is a cry for help me telling my readers about it. 3:05am Hum, I'm becoming a regular night owl. Seems like most of my recent entries have been at a ridiculous time of the night. Wonder where Marita has been lately. I have been trying to catch her in the morning, her time zone that is but no luck. Yes, I feel like talking. Yesterday since it is late, I woke up quite late. I know why but not gonna share it with anyone tonight. I actually woke up so late that well, I missed lunch. To make myself feel better for being so lazy, I cleaned the house. I'm becoming quite the homebody. When I was a child things were so much simpler. What's that old saying, "Little people have little problems and big people have big problems." Presently listening to "Wherever you will go" by "The Calling". It's funny that I can deal and handle with pretty much any situations. I mean financially if I'm in a rut, not big deal. I can take it. When it comes to business or a job I care about, I'm an animal. If it's about priorities or goals, I make my own way but when it comes to matters of the heart, that is when the shit hits the fan. Music has now changed to "Remember Yesterday" by Skid Row. Ah the 80s How can something that feels so right feel so wrong. I use the word, "wrong" because she so often reminds me of it. Wrong timing. How do I get myself in these type of situations? Argh!!!! It's interesting how mothers can see right through you and be so right. I suppose that it does make sense considering that they raised you and know the type of personality you have. I am saying this because due to my current situation, what she once told me is so true. She said that when I fall for someone, I never do it half fast. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. I remember the first time she told me this. At first I was like, what the heck is she talking about but as I grew older and pondered more on her words of wisdom, I realized that she was right. I suppose that is why I have always tried to be careful with whom I fall for because if I fall for the wrong person, she could ruin me. In turn, this could account as to why it is rare for me to have a relationship with anyone. The thing I don't understand now is why I am falling for this girl so fast? It doesn't make any sense considering I have only being seen her for a short time. The music has now switched to "Escape" by Enrique Iglesia. I feel as if my mind is going over 1000 miles per hour. All of a sudden, I am thinking about "Le petit prince". The part about "le renard" in particular. If you know the book, then you know what I'm talking about. Marita, est ce que ceci est le sort pour certain adopte Vietnamien? De marcher le monde sans jamais ne rien savoir ou allez? Malheureusement, je sais que ceci n'a rien a faire a etre adopte. Non, c'est juste moi. Ending this entry with the song, "Faith of the Heart" by Rod Stewart. 01-18-2004 4:05am It's very late or perhaps early. I don't know how this happened but I was trying to have a nice and quiet evening. I thought I would go home and hang out with one friend and then he would go home early and I would go to bed at a decent hour. Next thing you know, another person shows up and then another and another and so on. At least I finally got rid of everyone even though it is quite late. Especially since I have to be at work in 4 hours. Yes, I'm pretty wasted right now. Not a problem, I can handle it. Sometimes I wonder about my luck. Am I very lucky or very unlucky? I met this girl whom I thought was really cool. Since she was so nice I wanted to get to know her better. As I got to know her better I began to like her more and more until I began to have stronger and stronger feelings for her. Feelings that are so unfamiliar to me. Feelings that I recognized yet different then what I am used to. It has been a very long time since I have felt that way about someone. Whenever I think about her, which is very often mind you, I feel nervous yet comfortable. Nervous because I am afraid to make a mistake but comfortable because I know that she accepts me for who I am. Whenever I see her, all of my worries are gone. When I think about her, whether I want to or not I smile with joy and I feel all warm inside. I don't know what to do? I think that she does like me but she will be leaving soon. Why does this happen to me? I finally find someone that I like and care about and we must be apart. Life is tough but I have faith for if it was meant to be, it will happen and if not, then it will not. All I know is that in the meanwhile, I will try to enjoy the remaining time we have together to its fullest. Life is too short to waste and I will never and never want to lead a life with any regrets. What will happen will happen and if after she leaves we never see each other again, I believe that I will be a better person for I had the honor of meeting her and share something special with her. It is priceless and I hope that everyone in the world has the chance to meet her for I believe that she will bring a smile to all that meet her. Yes, I am a very lucky person. 01-16-2004 1:30am Yeah, H is back in town. Despite still being a little weak since I am now just recovering from my cold, I still went out to get a drink and I must say that I really missed talking to her. I know it had only been three days since I last spoke with her but give me a break. I like to be around her. She is witty and funny and everytime I'm with her I feel good. No pressure, no need to act a certain way. 01-14-2004 9:30pm Argh, still sick as a dog. Thought I was getting better but last night I had one of those coughing fit that kept me up all night so I couldn't get any sleep. Once again could not make it to work. Ralph offered to cover for me again but I told him that I was gonna try. He's such a nice guy. Everytime I am sick he always offers to get me stuff and calls to check up on me. You can tell that he cares. You want to know how sick I am? I had these two girls that aren't so nice that were practically begging to come over tonight and I wouldn't let them. They were like, "We know you are sick but we don't have to party. We can just take it easy, spend the night and take care of you." LOL, yeah, if some of my going out buddies knew about it they would have a fit and I would never hear the end of it. However, now that I think more about it, I also didn't want them over because I'm not really interested. Sounds odd coming from me but there is someone I am interested in and other girls just don't really mean that much. Even though I know that those girls are like me where they don't talk, I would not want to risk it even though they do not know anybody that remotely knows the girl I'm interested in. LOL, might have made me feel better since the best way to get rid of a cold is to give it to someone else! I also just want to let people know that I'll be ok. I'm still hurting so bad inside like someone is ripping my heart out and burning my soul but I suppose that if this did not happen, I would not be human. I still have a hard time sleeping because of it. Of course, part of it is my cold but it hurts to think about it. Funny, how I'll start crying for no apparent reason. I could be watching TV and a certain scene will come up that will remind me and I'll burst into tears. Ok, I'm dead tired and this tiger is off to bed. 01-13-2004 9:10pm People come and go and life goes on. Met someone from the US yesterday. She had something to give me. I took it and we talked for a few hours. Very tough at first and even tougher in the end. She only stay for a few hours. I can understand why. Perhaps next time when time has done it's job, she will be able to come with the rest of her family. Perhaps it was true when I heard him say, "I worked for years creating a beautiful garden and along comes this guy who tramples all over it and destroys it." Presently reminescing. If I'm doing that I might as well add pictures I suppose. On a sailboat in FL This is when I took off for a few days for Florida. Needed a break and was feeling low so headed to St. Augustine to visit Derek at his house and play with the sailboat. Damn good decision. The Bull in Key West, FL. Senior year in high school for Spring Break in Key West, FL. One of the best vacation ever if not the best. Good times with no pressure. Key West, FL. The Old Rice residence in KY. This was taken back in 1996. I was back in KY after KO and for some odd reason, I was staying at there house. Elena Elena Good old girl from KY. A great friend but lost track of her after she got married. My balcony in Atlanta This is the balcony of the place I first moved in after I left KY again to pursue my dreams and to prove to myself that I could make it in the corpaorate world. An awesome place on the 5th floor. Many crazy memories in that place. Irene Irene Irene Irene. Don't need to say anything about that one. Irene Once again, when I had the bald head complete with facial hair and the tough look. 01-11-2004 3:13pm Feeling sick like a dog. Couldn't make it to work and my whole body aches. Just got up about 30 minutes ago cause Ralph called to see if I was alright. Funny thing about Costa Rica is that you meet people you would have never hung out or want to hang out with in the United States. Yet, you do meet them and you begin to make very strong and trustful relationships. Ralph for example is one of the nciest person I know yet we come from two totally different worlds. Feeling weak but I think I'll try to work on the project I was suppose to have unleashed upon this world back in December 2003. Perhaps if all goes well, I'll have something for you folks by the end of the week. On that note, I'm off to the pharmacy to get some drugs. 01-10-2004 10:15pm I think I'm beginning to get a cold. Did you know that when you are depressed, your immune system does not work as well and you are more prone to sicknes? Hum, wonder if I'm depressed. I keep thinking about what if's and I don't like to think such things since the past cannot be undone. Pretty pitiful to be thinking such thoughts considering that I always prided myself on being able to always stand by my decisions no matter the cost. Last night, a few people came over. At first, it was only suppose to be a couple of people to help finish the rest of the meat from the busted up barbecue. That night, I did stuff I should not do but I felt a need to do it to make me forget. I was tired for I had not slept in a while but then more people came around 11-11:30pm and I did not get rid of them til 2am. No big deal since I actually didn't go to bed til way after that but I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I haven't placed any pictures in here for a while so I thought I'd throw out a few random pictures here and there of Costa Rica that were taken within two months for your viewing enjoyment as I talk about my life. Arenal I think it is the birthday of H's mom today. Wish I could have gone with her. I suppose if I really tried, I could have gone without a hitch but I do not think I am very good company at the moment. Just at work, it is difficult to keep up appearances. I do miss her company and can't wait til she gets back tomorrow even though the next day she will be leaving for the beach again. Maybe I should go with her then. Arenal I'm tired of walking through such a lonely path. Yet, I walk and I walk and I walk because I always want to see what the next day will bring. I remember this old man from Kentucky when I worked in a group home. You would talk to him and he was full of great stories and excellent advice. I always listened to what he had to say with eager ears and I admired him a lot. Arenal As I think more about it, that man had the most screwed up life I have ever seen. He has seen this and that and he has truly seen a lot of stuff but you can tell that he does not have his life together yet. He is not young he is in his late 50s. Goodness, I admire him but hope that I never end up like him. Arenal As a closing theme, here is something I was thinking about a long time ago when I was trying to hit on this church going girl. Anyway, I ended up going to church with her and became involved with her church activities(the things you do to get a girl sometimes!). Since my accident with the church when I was in high school, I had lost my faith with the Church and even though I was involved with the church community, I still could not, did not want to share there doctrines and beliefs. However, there was one story that caught my attention for it was nice, simple, and very clever. Here is the short Kotigre version of it. Little boy is watching TV and sees all of the war, suffering and hunger in the world through the eyes of CNN. Little boy is sad and he decides to write God a letter which goes something like: Dear God, Why don't you stop war, kids killing each other, gang wars, and hunger? A Little Boy The next day, as the boy went to bed, he found a letter from God that said: Dear Little Boy, Why should I stop people from doing some things when they are perfectly capable of stopping themselves? God No, don't ask me why I decided to tell you about it for I have already forgotten the whole point of why I decided to tell you this story but I hope you enjoyed it. Good night folks and thanks for your encouraging e-mails. Perhaps, when I feel more comfortable about the whole thing, I will tell you what the phone call was all about. 01-09-2004 10:56am As you will have noticed, I have done a few changes to my index page. Nothing major but I thought that since it is a new year, a change is in order. Still trying to come up with a new design for the weblog but nothing is coming to mind for the moment. Yes, the previous entry was a bit unusual for me. Still feeling down. I was a bit surprised that I'm so closed about what happened to me the other day. Especially with H but I don't know, it's not something that I can easily share. Still, from what she said, she could feel that something was wrong the night I was suppose to have the BBQ and that is something considering I thought I was pretty good at hiding my negative emotions. Yesterday, she took me out to meet members of her family and friends. I did not want to go but I think that she knew I was down and she insited I go. I did and I had fun even though it felt strange. It felt as if I should not be enjoying myself. Either way, it was a nice distraction. She did ask me afterwards to go out with her and her friends but I just could not get myself to go. I should have kissed her last night but it just didn't feel right for me that night. I wanted to mind you it's just that well, I felt, emotionally weak and did not want to cheapen things up because of that. I'm such a sap. 01-08-2004 9:30am 2004 eh? No big deal just another year in a long string of experiences. 2003 was a decent year but by no mean what I expected. People say that I am lucky. I have seen and experienced a lot of stuff and I have lived life. Well, for the record, let me tell you something to all that have, are, and will tell me this stupid ass sentence. Lucky? you ignorant bastards, everything has a price and it's up to you as to whether or not you want to go for it. Is the price too high? Still trying to figure that out but then again, I know what I've done and knew the consequence of my actions. Just too stupid to know any better or just didn't care and didn't realize what it would do in the long run. Yes, I do sound different from my other entries. LOL, perhaps even like a bitter old man. Not sure, don't care. Hum, maybe it's because I'm turning 30 or because of a phone call I got yesterday. It went something like that: [Phone rings] [Kotigre picks up phone] [Kotigre] Alo [Mrs. X] Kotigre please. [Kotigre] Hi Mrs. X I never in a million years expected you to call me. How did you even get my number? [Mrs. X] I need to talk to you about my daugher. [Kotigre] What do you mean? I haven't seen her in ages. [Consider this a time break since I still can't believe what happen and I'm still in a state of shock. Not sure I actually want to write anything about what happened yet for it was quite shocking and deeply troublesome. I am hurting so badly inside at the moment and my soul wants to scream in agony. Time will heal the wounds.] [Mrs. X] I told you something like this would happen. [Kotigre][Sounding upset and almost to the point of yelling.] How dare you talk to me like that? In the end, i'm the one who made the sacrifice. I'm the one who hasn't sen her in years because of you. [Not quite those words but something close enough] [Kotigre hangs up phone and leaves the building to get some groceries for a barbecue he no longer really cares about.] End of story but not really. I know I'm leaving out a lot of blanks and perhaps I shouldn't even have the little that I have written here but it does help me deal with it. The question is, should I feel guilty? There's the rub. Logic says no but you still think about it because of the many what if's. I'll get over it.