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02-27-2004 12:56am Tonight, I am in a great mood. I got plenty of sleep last night, had a good day at work, an okay lunch at Wong's(only ok because we got the buffet instead of Dim Sum and the food had been sitting there for a while), I had a nice work out, I talked to H on the phone, I got paid, and it was a beautiful day in Costa Rica. Oh and I also talked to Jordan(had to put that one in since I know he goes on this site once in a while!). Yes, summer is definitively here. Since I am in such a good mood, you guys get a picture from the archives of Kotigre!
A big change for me because a few nights ago,I had a really rough night. One of those night when you can't sleep because your mind is going into overdrive. Yes, as you have seen through my writing these past few months, I have been stressed and unhappy for I was living day-to-day like a zombie without a clue as to where I was going. As millions of thoughts were going to my mind, it all of a sudden came to me. Not the answer as to why my mood has been less then ideal but rather why my mood has been like that. I know that many personal issues have come up these past few months and even though it did affect my mood, it was not the main cause for my depression. You see, I realized the choices I needed to make to snap me out of it. Choices and decisions had to be made. Decisions that I would not regret. I think that I realized this as my mind was replaying a conversation that took place with someone a couple of weeks ago. The conversation was basically about making plans. Not plans of the mind like going to school to get a degree or plans for a job promotion but more like plans of the heart. Not necessarily plans about love but plans that involved passion and deep feelings. This person was saying this to me because she said that such things could bring great disappointment and sadness when these plans do not turn out for the best. For these plans of the heart are full of feelings and passion. It is basically a part of you that is in it and when they do not work out, they really hurt. You see, this person said that I planned too much which is true in a way but way off in another way. Anyway, this bit of reminiscing in turn made me think of my track record when it came to making plans about matters of the heart. As I was looking back on the choices and plans I had made about these matters I have no regrets about them and I am glad I made these plans of the heart and chose to pursue them. It is true that most of these plans did not turn out as expected and it did hurt as my hopes and expectations shattered before my eyes but nevertheless, I am happy I made them. Happy because I know that when I made those plans, I went above and beyond to make things happen. There is no one to blame if these plans did not work out and perhaps it was just not meant to be and I am now satisfied with the outcomes. LOL, it's true for if you think about it, if these plans had worked out, sure I would be very happy with the outcome but it would have also kept me from meeting new people, experiencing other great moments, and even meeting other people on a romantic level. Hum, I'm starting to get lost in my thoughts and this simple entry is becoming quite long but hey, it's my weblog and I can do whatever I want with it right? Anyway, I do not know if anyone will be able to make the connection between this realization and my current ecstatic state of mind but here is my logic behind it. I realize that in the end, I have always respected myself for the choices I have made in life for I have no regrets.(Yes, I say this a lot but I am only emphasizing my point). You see, I now know the choices that are facing me and I am working to accomplish both plans that I have in mind. These plans could clash with one another but I am not worried for I know that if I truly want it, I know I can have both of them. Even if in the end I do not, I know that I will be happy with myself. Basically, I think that the problem I was having was that I questioned myself as to whether the decisions I had made these past few years had been the right one. I began to wonder whether I regretted those decisions and it really affected my mood without truly knowing why. I am now confident about the decision I have made and about the future decisions that will take place. I feel like a weight had been taken off my shoulders and I am relieved. Once again, I am curious about what will happen tomorrow and look forward to the future. Thanks you for listening and putting up with my depression these past few months and I truly hope that each one of you out there live a full life without any regrets. 02-22-2004 8:45pm I just got back from the beach. I had a lot of fun but my whole body is sore from being thrown around like a rag doll by the waves and from the numberous sunburns all over my body. We ended up going with Monica. I thought we would just take the bus but then she came along and she was going there anyway so we decided to get a ride with her. In the end we spent all of our time with her. We ended up staying at this place we knew that is owned by a young French couple. We knew this place from the time I went to the beach with Pam and Derek met us out there for he ended staying there. I must be out of shape. At least when it comes to drinking because I ended up passing out around 10:30-11:00pm. What I want to know is what happened to Lindsay. We were at the Beatle Bar around 8:00pm and stayed there till about 9:30pm-10:00pm but no luck in finding him. I went to the beach in part to forget about H. It did not work. For example, today, I was really feeling the sunburn and Monica was putting on some After Sun lotion on my back. As she was putting it on, I could not help myself but think about H when she was doing the same thing to me. Why is it that every little thing remind me of her? I know that H does not have access to the internet right now but I keep checking my mail every day in hope to get an e-mail from her. I am so pitiful. I have added pictures of H's place in San Marco de Terrazu. If you read this H and do not want to have the pictures on the site, send me an e-mail and I will take them off. It's only 8:30pm but I am tired. Thus, I am getting off the internet to read and relax. 02-19-2004 6:02pm By now, H is at the airport to catch her 6:30pm flight back to the U.S. I know that in my last entry, we were not to see each other again but sometimes all of the logic in the world cannot overcome the insane logic of the heart. We saw each other for a very short time but it was a moment that all of the money in the world could not buy. This journal entry will probably be very long and sappy so if you are not in the mood for such a story, you probably want to skip the H part of it.
Last night, I could not sleep. Have you ever tried to go to bed when you have all of these things going through your mind? It’s impossible to sleep under these circumstances. It was a white night. Around 8am exhaustion began to set in but I did did not join the Sandman for I wanted to call her and talk to her one last time before she left. I told myself that I would not but I knew that if I did not, I would regret not doing so and this Tiger never wants to have any regrets. Yes, I am that kind of person. Derek, my best friend and the most loyal person in the world was up exercising when I came out of my room. He has known for a while that I have been acting different and he knew the exact cause for it. He understands because he is also a Tiger and knows what happens when we enter the arena. By the way Derek, happy birthday!!! Anyway, morning coffee in hand, I called but no one answered. I began to worry that she had already left for San Jose and that I had no means to contact her but I kept the faith. To keep me occupied, I talked to Derek about my worries and even though not much was said, not much was needed for like I said before, he understands me. In need of some fresh air, I took a shower and wore a Costa Rica T-shirt. The one we had bought together for before we had decided not to see each other Thursday, we joked that we would both wear our matcfhing t-shirts. The shower was definitively refreshing and I was off to the pulperia to get some breakfast food. I told Derek I was not going to go to work today because I wanted to wallow in my own self pity for one day and after he left for work, I called H again and I hit the jackpot for she answered the phone. I'll skip the conversation and just say that we decided to meet each other at Terra U. A pretty cool bar in Calle la Amargura. If you are ever in Costa Rica I suggest you drop by there and check it out. She said she could only see me for a short time since she had a bunch of stuff to do before she left but it did not matter to me. I was going to see her again!!! We decided to meet at 1:30pm and it was around 11:00am when we talked so I took a badly needed nap. I woke up and I panicked for it was already 1:30pm. Kicking myself in the ass, I called a cab. If I was going to miss her over me falling asleep, I would never forgive myself. I made it to Terra U around 1:45pm and there she was, at the bar and looking as beautiful as ever. To my horror, she had been waiting for me for 25 minutes and she had to leave in 10-15 minutes. Argh, I can't believe I wasted this precious time. I made the most of it and ordered a beer and we just enjoyed each other's company. She gave me a going away gift along with a rose. It was wonderful.(God that sounded bad). You can see what she gave me by going on the about page by the way. Shortly after, it was time for her to leave. I escorted her to her car and she dropped me off in front of the Mall San Pedro. We parted company but I was not sad as she left. I was happy for fate was good to me by giving me the opportunity to meet her. Will I ever see her again? I do not know for we met each other at the wrong time. Maybe not the wrong time but rather an akcward time for us to get in a relationship. I retract the wrong time statement for this chance meeting between us was a blessing. She brought back a part of me that I never thought I would feel again. She brought this part to me in a good way and when she left, she left me smiling and with renewed faith for I have changed my mind and will no longer call these moment of weakness a losing battle that you just hope to win. I know because I am smiling and my heart is not in a knot of anguish over this departure. In closing this section of today's weblog entry, I do not know whether I will see her again or whether overtime, we will stop communicating with one another. I am certain that if it is meant to be, it will happen. Whatever happens, I am happy for we got to meet each other and had the pleasure to have something special together and nothing can ever take that away from us. Whatever the future may bring, I wish her all the best and hope that she will always wear that enchanting smile of her. Good luck H, you will always be in my thoughts and my heart. Kotigre Alright, now that I have said my peace, here is a regular entry. I am part of an e-mail chain for the Vietnamese Adoptee Network. I can't say that I have been bitter about my adoption but I have always had some worries in the back of my mind about the reason as to why I was abandoned and left for adoption. I know that they were tough times for it was a time of war but I something was always nagging me about the whole thing. Why did my biological mother leave me? Was I an unwanted child from a shameful love affair? Perhaps I was the product of a rape? Maybe my biological father was killed and she could not support me. I have always wondered for on my Vietnamese birth certificate, there is only one name on it. The name of my mother. I know that many birth certificates were faked to get us adoptees out of Vietnam but it stilled bothered me. I had the good luck to end up with a great family and I have had a good life but it still sucks to know you were not wanted for one reason or another. Anyway, one of the Vietnamese adoptee shared a letter from that her biological mother had left for her. That letter actually brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy and hope for it was a beautiful letter. I am reprinting it for I also want to share it with the people that have been sharing my life over the internet these past years. I hope that she does not mind me reprinting the letter. If you do, just let me know and I will take it off.
Time for me to get off the internet since today is Derek's birthday and he will be back soon. Sure we will be going to the beach together but a birthday beer is always nice. 02-18-2004 1:03am I feel good. I feel like I'm back in charge and I'm pretty sure that certain people will be happy to have me back in action. This has been a very confusing month for me. And for those who will say that every month is confusing for me all I have to say is ha ha ha to you in a very sarcastic manner.
The bus I caught to go to San Marco de Terrazu To recap some of the things that have been going on in my life I went last weekto visit H at her mom's place. A very relaxing time I must say. It is in a little town called, San Marco de Tarrazu. It's a village where coffee is grown in the area and a nice change of pace from the city life of San Jose.
No, there is not much to see there however, it was a delight for me. I just want to say thanks to H and her family for putting up with me for those three days.
I did get a sunburn here and there during my stay but it was definitively worth it since I have my godlike tan is back. I will be going to the beach this weekend for Derek's Birthday. His birthday is on the 19th which is Friday but close enough. I will also be meeting one of my weblog readers out there so if you read this entry, looking forward to meeting you and I may be able to show you a sight or two that you will enjoy!!! I have also noticed from the statistics on my site that the list of people reading my weblog has dramatically increase. Perhaps it's time that I get a paying site since I know that I do not have enough bandwidth with a geocities free site. I wonder if it's because I've been writing some pretty depressing stuff in here lately that people have been more interested in my daily life. Gee, I hope that it's not because people like to read about the misery of other people. Ok, I'll give you the last entry of the drama/not-so-drama that has been going in my life. Let me begin by emphasizing that I am happy at how things have turned out and that there is no regret going on for this wandering tiger. Tonight was the last time that I was to see H(Well, last night if you want to get technical about it). When she first came over, it was a bit ackward. I think it was like that because we both knew that she was leaving and more then likey, we will never see each other again. It was kind of like meeting someone for the first time but a few minutes passed by and soon things warmed up and we were like old friends again. Anyway, even though she is leaving Thursday, we will not see each other again expect of course on the internet or by phone. All I can say by this chance meeting on how we got to know each other is that it was a good thing. It was just what I needed to boost me up again and give me a new perspective on things. Thanks H for letting me share a part of your life with you. I know that you will do very well in the states and don't hesitate to ask if you need anything. Well folks, that's it for now but stay tuned for more adventures of Kotigre in Costa Rica. 02-08-2004 4:03pm Another nice day in Costa Rica and I am still alive and kicking. I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately that it just makes me want to cry. No, I'm not gonna really cry mind you, it's just a figure of speech. But then again, perhaps I do need to cry and let it all out. Anybody knows a good shoulder I could cry on? I think that perhaps it is the thought of turning 30 that is making me feel, inadequate. I went for a walk today. I just needed to clear my mind and I was thinking to myself, It's a beautiful day. Why do I have so many worries when it's so beautiful outside? So I thought I would stop worrying and just enjoy myself. Feeling thirsty, I stopped by a pulperia to get a fresco and then it hit me. Maybe I'm feeling lost right now because I have been enjoying myself too much. Entonces, I need to map out what I want and go for it. Being realistic, I really dont have any long plans since I really am not sure about what I want 5 or 10 years down the road. Just doing some small goals to make me feel better about myself. Ok, need to go but I do intend on going on a vacation next week. Need to get away for a while. 02-03-2004 10:03am Hello everyone and a happy February to all of you. You are all probably saying, yes, finally an update on kotigre's weblog! I have been busy these past few days since last week was the Superbowl and since I do work for a sportsbook the Superbowl was the highlight of the season. Summer is finally here. Not just on paper but physically for the weather has just been stupendous. No rain, just nice and sunny in the day time and cooler at night. However, due to this nice weather, we have been having water problems lately. It seems like the water has been on and off on a regular basis. Not really a big deal but it is when it is early in the morning and you are in the shower washing your hair and you run out of water. Ah the humanity of it. I suppose that there is a price to pay for everything. I am in need of a vacation but I'm not sure where I should go. Derek is going to the beach this weekend but I won't be able to go with him this time around since our days off are on different days. Hopefully, we can go together next week. Perhaps I'll take him there for his birthday which is coming up in a couple of weeks. I believe that I am back to normal. Well, at least for the most part. To prove it, I went on a blind date a couple of nights ago. YOu can blame my friend Kris for it.(Oh, and Kris, we need to have a serious talk as to the kind of people you introduce me to. What the hell where you thinking? Do you even know who that girl is and what she does?) As you can see from that little message for Kris, it was not the ideal date. I know that some would say it was because I am just getting over someone but I am serious that this is not the main reason why I do not think this date was ideal. Anyway, the other night, I decided to meet her at this restaurant. She is abuot my age and is pretty enough. I really wasn't in the mood to meet anybody new to be honest. Especially as a date but everyone was telling me to go and that it would do me some good. So I went and I had fun but for some odd reason, it just didn't feel right. I wonder sometimes if I should have gone because I knew that I was not giving her a real chance at something. I say that because first off, I'm not looking for anything and also because well, don't want to talk about it right now but you know what I'm talking about. The evening went along fine but until she started telling me about herself and I became a bit shock as she was telling me about herself. Everything was done in Spanish mind you but I'm pretty confident of my Spanish so I know I didn't get the information she was telling me wrong. Since I'm not one to show and tell other people's life, I'm not gonna say what she is all about but if one day I tell you, I'm sure you will be shocked too. I actually saw her again just to give it another try and so last night we did go out. No details as to the outcome but I don't think I'll see her again. Being a gentleman, I told her that it was cool to hang out together again if she wanted to but that it would just be as friends and no more. Don't wory, I did tell her that before well, nevermind. Ok, will write more later but it's a beautiful day and I want to go out and enjoy it.
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