...[things that make you go AAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHtwat]...

"oh the aftershow was soooo hilarious, bono said the funniest things..." ARRGH. doesn't this completely piss you off?? doesn't it make you [in the immortal words of joey tribbiani] want to rip your arm off just so you have something to throw? yes, this rant is about liggers. but not yer general harmless day-to-day ligger. this is about that special, hideous breed, whose entire lives consist of the celebridee pardees they frequent and the 'hilarious' [have you noticed it's always 'hilarious'? never funny or amusing or hysterical, always fucking 'hilarious'] antics and anecdotes that they retell to anyone who will listen for years afterwards?


now i understand. i do. it's fun to find yourself at an aftershow for a gig you didn't even have a ticket for 3 days ago. it's often very interesting talking to the people in your favourite bands. i daresay we've all told a couple of stories about *that* showbiz do that we were at that time. but when it's ALL that the career ligger talks about, it gets VERY VERY BORING.


for there are four types of ligger, oh yes. the first is the already-mentioned harmless everyday ligger. they have a good time, and they tell their friends about it afterwards. fair enough. don't blame them. then there is the celebrity ligger - this is the one who is nationally famous for the parties they frequent [hello gavin, hello tara, so nice to see you meg.] they're a bit annoying but they're famous so we don't have to talk to them; bearable therefore. then we move onto the more unpleasant varieties. first comes the career ligger. as described, this one lives only for its social life [the more celeb-studded the better]. every night is an encounter with a rock star, just for the sake of it. it has nothing of consequence in its life but its li'l black book. lastly we have the nastiest and most venomous type of ligger: the dominant vocal career ligger. this is the variety you should beware of, for it will damage you psychologically and turn you into a fucking fruitcake. how does it do this?


it performs all of the above activities - copious "star encounters", mucho aftershow tomfoolery, and the obligatory "tell-all-your-friends" ritual. but it goes one fatal step further. it feels the need to butt into EVERY FUCKING CONVERSATION, whether it was invited or not, and make sure the world and his wife are fully aware of exactly how many celebrities it is friends with. it will provide a full and detailed account of every conversation it has ever shared with a remotely famous person, particularly when we don't actually give a shit. and then most importantly, the laugh. it will laugh offhand and roll its eyes, to make out that it considers such things the most run-of-the-mill thing imaginable, despite its eagerness to tell EVERYONE about them.


the thing is, all of us know at least one person who could be considered famous. everyone has at least a friend of a friend who knows "someone". even if it's just the drummer of a band who play the bull and gate from time to time, the chances are there's someone out there who loves that band and considers your friend the drummer to be famous in their eyes. so it's really not that unusual. the liggers who make out that they're privileged to know these godly people really aren't, they just want to feel superior to the rest of us. here's a thought for you; famous people are not special. the singer/guitarist in that band you love and worship isn't a god, he's just good at his job. like most other people, i know a few people in bands, some known, some unknown, [not gonna get into who they are because that'd make me exactly like the people i'm slagging and it's not the point] and they're ordinary people. not to take anything away from the stars of this world, i'm not saying we shouldn't respect them at all, simply that they're not idols and don't need to be treated and seen as such; respect them for being good at what they do, like them if you've met them and enjoyed their company, but fucks sakes, don't worship them; by worshipping them you're prolonging the existence and heyday of blaggers with a superiority complex.


this may all seem extraordinarily bitchy to you. fair enough, it is. but i think i'm justified. i've come across far too many of these people for my liking. it wouldn't be so bad if, in between the accounts of how they put their phenomenal blagging skills to work, they'd actually talk about something else from time to time. but they don't. i'm talking about people who LIVE for blagging, and have nothing else in their lives; it's very much as if they don't actually like themselves very much, and have to justify and measure their existence by the number of famous people they have in their address book. it's remarkably, stupendously annoying. and i know i'm not the only person who feels this way. so if this seems bitchy, maybe you just haven't had the misfortune of meeting as many of these people as i have.

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