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JOKE 2
SADDAM
Hussein was sitting peacefully in his office wondering who to invade
next when his telephone rang. "Well, Santa." Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me how big is your army?" "At this moment..." said Santa after a moment's calculation, "there is main, mera cousin Surjit, mera next-door neighbour Gurdial and the entire bhangra team from the village-that makes nine." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Santa, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Changa!" said Santa."I'll be ringing you back." Sure enough the next day Santa rang back. "Right Hussein bhai, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Santa?" Saddam asked. "Well we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gurdial's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Santa that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armoured personnel carriers and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Is that really so?" said Santa. "I'll be ringing you back!" Sure enough Santa rang again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified a government cropduster with a couple o' rifles in the cockpit and the village kho-kho team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute then sighed. "I must tell you Santa that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke my army has increased to two million." "Koi gal nahin," said Santa. "I'll be having to be ringin' ya back." Sure enough Santa called again the next day. "Right,Mr. Hussein, I am very sorry to tell you we'll be calling off the war". "I'm sorry to hear that Santaji. I was so looking forward to it," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" Well to tell you the truth," began Santa, "We've all had a little chat and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. > > To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first SARDAR swers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because > he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks his, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" . Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. > > "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming > > smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "Hecan't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Santa ji naukri dhoond rahe they, India mein to kahi se call aayee nahin..."yahaan to companiya mere standard kee nahin hai khair !!" Ab aaayee videsh ki baari... wahan se to ji pehali baar mein hi reply aa gaya. bade khush...daru-sharu di party de dali. dost poocchne lagge ki, bhai, bata to kon si company hai, kitni salary hai...vagairah-2. To Santa ne apni Appointment Letter sab ko dikhayi. English mein likha tha --- "Dear Mr. Santa, You do not meet our requirements no further correspondence will be entertained" Sab Santa ke dost daaru pi ke to pad nahin sakte the aur wo bhi English???? So Santa ne TRANSLATE kiya Santa: Arey Angrezi ich letter aayeaa haiga, main hune tonuu translate kaar ke suna riya haaan .. To suno ki likhya hai...... > > "Dear Mr. Santa" ---- Sade pyarey Mishterrr Santa "You do not meet" ----- tum to milte hi nahin ho...bahut busy ho. "our requirements" ----- Humhe to bahut zarooorat hai. "no further correspondence" ----- Aage chitthi patri di jarurat nahin hai, jaise bhi ho jaldi se aa jao "will be entertained"---- Bahut khatir ki jayegi..................... > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > One day evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way... Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually? Sardarji: 'I forgot to bring the > > scooter key from my home. Friend: 'Is it! Then, How did you come to office from home in the morning?' Sardarji: 'I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > How Does a Sardar
Cheat the Railways?? > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time. Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't compete with a world champion' Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?' Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!' Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh. Banta : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed..... Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!! > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > One day a Sardarji talking with his friend....... Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child. Friend: Is it! Why? Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu > > child and it will start to speak after 6 months. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing " Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > There were 2 surd, both of them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only deers. Once they both met. Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions & tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the cave and shoot him then that quite easy. After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing you told me. I just outside a big cave and imitated the noise of a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE. Friend: What are you looking at? Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Beppo Singh: four asterisks! > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL. Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Beppo Singh: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > BEPPO SINGH'S MOTHER DIED. Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead. Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder Friend: what now? Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too! > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON. Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > BEPPO SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR. Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure. Beppo Singh: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?" Santa: "Hidden cameras!" Jasmeet: "And > > what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?" Santa: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying ...'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can he know what I am watching?" > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > > > A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!" The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Their was a sardar who wanted to send shoes abroad in the fastest way,bright idea struck him,he tied the pair of shoes to the TELEPHONE POLE, thinking that his son would receive the them very fast.Next morning he went to see the shoes ,he found an old pair of shoes,his happiness knew no bounds and he said 'Oh my son has received the new pair & send the old pair, what a fast mean of sending' > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Once a sardar and his wife are walking on the road. Suddenly a crow flying above them shits on the Sardar`s shoulders. His wife goes and gets a paper napkin for him. the surd tells him its of no use now, the crow has vanished. > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?". The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > These days sardar does'nt sleeps with his wife ,because he says it is wrong to sleep with a married woman > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Three sardarji's were fast approching long distance leaving train, two of them got into the train & third one remain on the platform, suddenly he started crying, people around when asked him the reason for crying, he mention that two of my freinds got into the train leaving me on the platform. Everybody advised him to take it easy & look for the next train. suddenly sardarji started laughing loudly, when people ask him with surprise he mention that actually i was suppose to go in that train, my other two freinds had come to see off me. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. After considerable discussion they finally decided to start a hotel.They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer.The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up.The story was the same the next day. A week passed,but nobody turned up. > > WHY ? .......... B'coz there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed" After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to > > arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage. WHY ? ... B'coz their garage was on the first floor. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving.They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi.They went to Nariman point yet > > nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati ShivajiTerminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ? B'coz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi!! > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb an decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an > > inch.They decided to rest for the night and start > > the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move.They pushed for a > > whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge. WHY ? B'coz two sardarjis were pushing from front > > and two from behind. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A Sardarji, a Muslim, a Hindu and an American were flying. Suddenly the plane's engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump. But they realise that there are no parachutes on the plane. Sardar being little bold thinks "saala marna tey haiga, why not try something". He unties his turban and holds the ends, making it like a Parachute, and jumps out. Luckily the idea works and he floats down like on a parachute. Seeing this, Hindu pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating. Now Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating. Now comes American's turn. Poor chap is wearing torn Bermudas and a tattered T-shirt. Anyway he also removes them ties everything up and jumps. But it does not hold and he starts falling very quickly. On the way to the ground he passes the Muslim, who says "Allah tumhari khair kare". Another 1000 feet and he passes the Pandit. Pandit says "Bhagwan tumhari raksha kare". Falling rapidly, he quickly passes the Sardarji. Sardarji says "accha aey gul eh.....race lagani haigi, le phir"......... and leaves the turban. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," > > replied Mrs. Banta Singh. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My > > father was 182 cms tall." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach : Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete > > hai ? > > Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahi pata ? Sardarji 1 : Nahi pata. > > Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the temple... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car > > and my wife and children are starving... I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord: "SARDARJI, BUY THE > > DAMN TICKET FIRST". > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > > > > > Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied. The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed "the runway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says: "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", ""I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A Surd prime minister visited the president of the neighbouring country and complained about all this jokes about surds that others tell each other. "This leads to the impression that all surds are stupid," he said. "You should not take this so earnest," answered the neighbouring minister . "These are only jokes and not true stories. And there are also stupid people in our country. I will prove it to you." Saying so he went to his driver and said: "Please drive to my home and find out, whether I am at home. "The driver immediately went on his way. The surd prime minister was satisfied: ""He is very stupid indeed. There is a public phone > > just at the corner. It would have been easier to ring." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, > > next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was "There should > > not be last coach in any train." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > Santa singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne wala gadha" (One who reads it is an ass). Santa singh thought for an hour, erased and wrote back, "Likhene waala gadha" (One who wrote it is an ass)." > > > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A surd walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. A coke pops out. The surd looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. A man walks up behind the surd and watches his doing for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. The surd spins around and > > shouts "Can you not see that I am winning." > > > > -=-=-=-=-=- > > > > A surd goes to a barber shop wearing walkman headphones. He tells the hairdresser "Cut my hair please, but do not remove the headphones." The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never even notice.. The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening to and hears "Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out....."
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